Credit for the AMV above goes to the YouTube channel Miraculous 101!

CHAPTER EIGHTEEN

After Luka left, leaving Adrien and a sleeping Chloé all alone in a room void of any noise, Adrien had a lot more on his mind to ponder over.

He really disliked Luka. He didn't care about what kind of a past they once had, or how well they used to be friends... he didn't like him. Plain and simple. And yet somehow, despite his massive dislike for the guitar player, he still involuntarily saved Luka's life.

Simply because he decided to be his friend again.

It was hard to tell if they were even friends. He supposed they weren't, but he would keep on trying for Marinette's sake. He wasn't about to give up, so the only thing he could do was keep trying. All he had to do was somehow get Luka to warm up to him more, which wasn't a simple task consider how stubborn the guitarist was. But he could do it. He could fix it.

And that applied to all of his relationships that needed to be mended in some way.

While he waited for Chloé to wake up again, Adrien continued to read through Marinette's journal. He traced his thumb over the faded ink, her words haunting his mind every time his eyes scanned over the two-worded phrase he'd discovered on accident.

I'm Ladybug.

He once thought that when he finally found out Ladybug's identity, it would've made him the most happiest person on the face of the earth. But that was his own fault for believing in such flawed logic. Finally discovering her identity was not something to smile about. Instead, that revelation almost convinced him he deserved to die. But somehow, even when she wasn't here, Marinette found a way to be there for him. And if she was watching him from above, he hoped she was smiling.

He continued silently reading, only to find that Marinette's words grew darker and darker the more he read. This was to be expected, he figured, considering the un-read pages of her journal were getting thinner and thinner.

And closer to the end.

The world has a way of making everything that's miserable look enticing. A cigarette satisfies the need, only to bind you to a ball and chain and make you it's slave. The same applies to alcohol when you drink too much. It makes you sick and wishing you'd only had a sip. And even sex, as wonderful as it should be, is twisted in a web of perfectly-woven lies.

Some people think these things are mere accomplishments or life goals everyone is meant to reach. When you drink for the first time, society tells you you're officially considered an adult. When you smoke, they assume you're wise. And when you have sex, they tell you you're no longer a boy, but a man.

But only a man would have sex and be responsible for it. A boy is known to run away from his obligated responsibilities.

As he read her confusing words, Adrien didn't understand what Marinette meant by that. If she was referring to him, he couldn't say that he ever ran away from their sexual activities. If anything, Marinette ran from him.

When we had sex the second time, there was something I felt inside of me that I hadn't felt the first time. And do you know what that feeling was? It was love. Genuine love from you. I realized then what it felt like to create love with someone. And I thought that love could overcome the emptiness and guilt I was feeling.

But all it did was make me feel more guilty for keeping things from you.

"What else were you keeping from me? Adrien murmured lowly underneath his breath, reaching up to flip another page. He knew deep down that she had been hiding things from him—the journal he was currently holding was the perfect example of that—but what else could she possibly have thought she needed to keep hidden from him?

Guilty. She had felt guilty, but for what exactly? Did Marinette regret having sex with him even after the second time around?

But no... that wouldn't make sense. Contrary to their first time when she'd retreated to his bathroom, Marinette had willingly stayed wrapped in his embrace when they'd finished that time, cuddling against him and smiling so wide that he couldn't help but kiss her smile over and over again.

He remembered her smile so clearly. It had been a genuine smile.

So she couldn't have felt guilty about that...

Right?

"Adrien?"

He lifted his head from Marinette's journal, his eyes slowly finding Chloé's tired, blue irises. But despite the depth of beauty of the color of her eyes held, her eyes looked dull, empty, and filled with pain from an individual that bore the heavy weight of complete and utter discouragement. To cheer her up, he offered her a toothy smile, and was relieved when that seemed to bring a crooked smile to her chapped lips.

"I see you're finally awake," he weakly chuckled as he slowly closed Marinette's journal. "How was your nap?"

"The best one I've had in a long time." Chloé chuckled softly, though her smile slowly faded with every ounce of energy it pulled out of her. And despite being well-rested, it did nothing to kill her exhaustion.

Adrien found himself slowly frowning as well while he watched her. It wasn't hard to see the pain behind Chloé's fading smile.

It reminded him of all the many times Marinette had flashed him with that same smile.

He studied Chloé for a moment as the two of them basked in the unwelcomed, yet appreciated, silence. She had dark circles under her eyes despite having had  plenty of rest, which proved just how exhausted she was—not only physically, but mentally as well. Her head was completely covered with a red bandanna, which left little to the imagination when it came to wondering if she had any of her blonde hair still, simply pinned underneath. Her skin was slightly wrinkled, her lips chapped.

"You can stop staring." Chloe said, startling him out of his thoughts. "I know I look like a mess."

He immediately shook his head, horrified that his expression had caused her to jump to such conclusions. "No! I wasn't thinking that at all!"

She raised an unconvinced brow at him, and he didn't expect her to believe him.

"I'm serious." He assured her, despite his increasing frown. "I was just thinking... how am I supposed to handle another one of my friends dying?"

Chloe whimpered, the action clearly showing that she was nowhere near accepting the possibility of dying as much as she wanted people to believe. "I'm sorry Adrien—"

"Why are you apologizing?" Adrien scoffed bitterly—but the action wasn't directed at her, oh no. It was directed at himself. He was the one who owed her an apology. He owed so many people that. What he really wanted to do in that moment was lean forward and pull her into a hug, but he still found himself hesitant to do so. It wasn't his place to touch her unless she wanted his comfort. "I'm the one who should be apologizing. I should've been there for you—"

"Oh please," Chloe scoffed as well, except hers was directed at him. "I was a bitch to you. If anything, I should be the one apologizing."

"Okay. You're not wrong." Adrien would give her that. "But I still should've been there. We were childhood best friends once upon a time ago."

Those words seemed to bring a smile to her lips. "Yes... we were." She whispered fondly, but her smile didn't last for long, and Adrien frowned slightly himself when her lips plummeted downwards. "But I haven't been a good friend."

"Chloé, we've been over this—"

"I know we agreed to be friends again after we stopped the benefits part of our relationship," Chloé cut him off. "But how can you sit here beside me, after all the things I've done and said to you, and act like everything between us is okay?"

For a while, he'd never been sure on the answer to that question. As he thought back on all the things that had happened between them, it'd been hard at first to let go of that grudge—that anger—and accept that being angry could not change the past. For a long time, he believed he could never move on from it.

And then, Marinette had written down the solution for him, as if she knew, in the future, he would struggle accepting that truth.

That the past does not define you.

"Because I've forgiven you!" Adrien exclaimed, his eyes pleading and the urgency in his voice high. Because he needed her to understand this. He needed her to understand that they could both move on from their mistakes—that their past did not have to define them. "I don't hold the past against you, and I've forgiven you, Clo. And I've forgiven myself too."

But Chloe was having a hard time accepting that. He could tell just by the tears that trickled down her pale cheeks. "How can you forgive me so easily? After all the pain, Adrien. How? That pain doesn't just vanish."

"No, it doesn't." Adrien agreed. "But it becomes lesser as we grow. It becomes numb. It heals. And although there will always be a scar, that wound will never bleed again."

Chloe was openly crying in front of him now, and there was nothing he could do but lamely watch her pour our her heart in agony. Instead of leaning in to hug her, the blonde simply moved to rest his hand on her knee, and his eyes widened slightly when Chloe moved almost instantly, falling into his chest, into his embrace, for comfort.

He wrapped his arms around her, hoping that it would convey how much he loved her, and that what had happened in their past was something he was ready to put behind him. He desperately wanted her to really understand this, because if she were to die...

He didn't want her to die believing he'd been angry at her.

Adrien felt like he was losing his girlfriend.

It started off with small things. Marinette would brush off his arm if it was wrapped around her, untangle their fingers whenever he took ahold of her hand, and started putting an odd amount of space between them at their desks. At first, he didn't think much of it. He had to admit, he did tend to touch her a lot. He figured it was her way of telling him she needed a bit of space without hurting his feelings.

But then things got... worse.

Their midnight texting sessions started to slowly fade. Marinette would send him a goodnight text early, insisting that she was tired. At first, he didn't think much of that either... until it started happening every single night. And even when he tried to hold on to any word she gave him, tried to keep their conversations going, Marinette pulled further and further away until he stopped receiving messages or calls from her altogether.

So, that's when he decided to confront her himself.

"Marinette, what is going on?"

Adrien was standing in her room, watching as Marinette slowly worked on one of the sleeves of her dress which was being modeled on her mannequin. Even when he'd first entered, and she'd known he was there, she hadn't turned around to face him. Instead, her back was faced towards him, which meant he couldn't see her beautiful face which he missed seeing so much.

"What are you talking about?" Her voice was void of all emotion as she spoke, her attention solely focused on her work. He watched her hands move, weaving the needle delicately through fabric. A part of him was bothered that he hadn't known she was making a new design. As of recently, she usually shared those type of things with him.

"Don't play dumb." Adrien replied sternly, folding his hands into his armpits as he stared blankly at the back of her head. He was really trying to understand where her sudden and odd behavior was coming from, but he just... couldn't. "You've been avoiding me. You're ignoring my messages, declining my calls, and you've been skipping school. The only reason I'm talking to you right now is because your parents let me up here without telling you first."

"I've been busy." And that was the excuse she always gave him. "I've been working on this dress—which by the way, has a deadline soon."

"C'mon Marinette!" Adrien threw his hands over his head, running his fingers through his hair in frustration. "That doesn't explain why you're ignoring me. What was it this time, huh? What did I do?"

"You didn't do anything." She told him. But he didn't believe her.

"Then what's wrong?"

"Nothing is wrong."

"You're lying." Adrien took a careful step forward, not wanting his closer presence to push Marinette away. But he knew she was lying, and he knew something was wrong. "I thought we were doing good, and then you started getting distant. That isn't supposed to happen if everything is fine."

To that, Marinette turned on her heel, finally facing him head-on. He wasn't that surprised to see the dark circles underneath her eyes, but what really pulled at his heartstrings were her tear stained cheeks and red puffy eyes, an indication that she had been crying recently.

He met her eyes with determination of his own, even despite wanting to look away from the pain that was clearly overwhelming her. "What is going on? You can tell me if something is bothering you, you know."

Marinette shook her head stubbornly though, refusing to open up to him once again. "Nothing is going on. I'm fine. Everything is fine."

"No it isn't," Adrien shook his head. He gestured to her face with a wave of his hand. "You've clearly been crying."

Marinette immediately swiped at her cheek, as if that would hide her stained skin. But he'd already seen it, and there was no way to erase the sight from his memory. "I've been stressed."

"I've seen you stressed before, Mari. But I've never seen you like this."

She frowned slightly, "Like what?"

"Like... so disconnected. I mean, take a look around." He gestured widely to her room, which looked as if a tornado had ripped through the place. He came here often enough to know that Marinette was a well-organized person, and having a messy room like this wasn't normal for her. "I've never seen your room like this. And you're not just disconnected from your usual habits or routine, you're also disconnected from people. From me."

Marinette gaze travelled down to her feet. "Well... maybe I just need a little bit of space and time to... figure myself out."

"I've given you so much space." Adrien's voice was strained. His bottom eyelids were already beginning to collect with tears—tears that he found inappropriate to shed now. But could he really be blamed for wanting to do so? To openly express how much this distance was affecting him? He missed her.

Her gaze hardened slightly when her eyes found his. "Well, I need more."

"How much more?" Adrien asked, "And for how much longer?"

"I don't know."

"You can't just expect me to accept that." Adrien said with his mouth agape. "You're my girlfriend. I miss you. I want to spend time with you, but the way you're acting is really hurting our relationship."

Suddenly, Marinette's eyes took a turn of fury. The pure rage and anger that phased through her irises in a matter of seconds caused him to flinch back, but what she told him next caused his heart to shatter. "Well then, maybe we should just break up!"

Those words echoed off her bedroom wall like a broken record. Adrien's eyes widened, but he didn't dare move. He didn't even make a sound. He just simply stared at the girl he had grown to fall in love with, the girl who enjoyed sewing and baking and binging cringey shows, the girl who snored softly as she slept, the girl who would have pillow fights with him. Adrien loved that girl. But the girl in front of him now was not the girl he fell in love with.

He couldn't even recognize Marinette now.

The first thing he did was laugh. But his laughter was mirthless, only holding what could be detected as pain. Intense pain. Pain so intense he almost didn't recognize the tears that numbly spilled down his cheeks—tears that he no longer had the strength to hold back. He heard Marinette let out a shaky breath, but he honestly couldn't see her anymore behind his film of tears. All he could do was blankly stare at nothing.

So... this was how Marinette felt when I first rejected her.

That was the first thought that crossed his mind. Was this her way of paying him back? By making him feel exactly what she'd once felt? Because if that was her motive, it was working wonderfully.

He was officially heartbroken.

And he deserved to feel that way. He deserved to be broken.

"So, that's it, huh?" He chuckled, his words drenched in agony. "That's why you've been avoiding me. You... you want to break up. God, that explains so much! It explains your entire behavior."

Marinette, however, didn't have an explanation for him. She chose not to say a word, and the only sound she was making were muffled sniffles, as if she were also crying alongside him.

What was she crying for? That was the second thought that crossed his mind. This is what she wanted, after all.

He chuckled again, wrapping his arms around himself. "This makes so much sense. I get it now. This whole time... you just wanted to pay me back, right? For what I did to you in the beginning?"

"No!" Marinette exclaimed in what could only be deciphered as horror, as if she couldn't even believe that he was actually thinking like that. "I would never do that! Why would you even think that?!"

"Well what else do you expect me to think?!" Adrien couldn't help but raise his voice. Since Marinette had done it, he could no longer contain what he was also feeling. He couldn't contain the pain, frustration, or anger he was starting to feel. "Not too long ago, we had sex and we both told each other that we loved each other! So unless you're lying, you can't expect me to believe otherwise!"

"I'm not lying!" Marinette defended.

"I don't believe you!" Adrien cried out. "And you know what the saddest part about all of this is? I actually deserve it. I deserve to be played like that. I really really do."

"No you don't!" Marinette sounded desperate now, but she didn't reach out to him. And he realized in that moment, that he would probably never get to feel her comfort again. "You don't, Adrien. And that's not what I tried to do to you! You have to understand! I-I do love you!"

He looked up at her from underneath his lashes. "How can you say you love me but then say you want to break up? That doesn't make any sense."

"It's because I love you that I think it would be best if we broke up." Marinette moved to close the distance between them, placing her hand on his arm gently. Despite the hurt he was feeling, he couldn't find it in himself to pull away from her touch. "You said it yourself, Adrien. Look at me. I'm a mess. I'm all over the place... and I feel like I'm emotionally unstable. I don't think it's good for me to be in a relationship. And in the process, I'm hurting you."

"Why won't you let me help you?" Adrien slowly looked up to meet her eyes, the look in his irises pleading for her to reconsider. "If you let me, I could help. We could fix this. Together."

Marinette shook her head, her eyes holding nothing but sorrow. "You can't help me with this. This is something I have to do on my own."

"Why must you do it on your own?" Adrien's breath caught in his throat, and he almost broke down in front of her. But instead, he quickly uncrossed his arms and reached up to hold her face in his hands. Marinette blinked rapidly, but she didn't pull away. When he realized she wouldn't, he found himself smiling ever-so-slightly. "I don't want you to do things on your own. I want to do them with you. I want to do things together."

"Adrien..." Sounding defeated and drained, Marinette shook her head and tried to pull out of his light embrace, but Adrien reacted quicker. Before she could move away from him, he surged forward, gently pressing his lips against hers. He heard Marinette suck in a sharp breath, a gasp of utter surprise, and he almost considered pulling away. But before he could even make up his mind, he felt her return the kiss almost instantly. Her hands slowly found his clothed stomach, and then her arms moved, weaving around his lower back. Marinette held him like that as they kissed, and his hands never lowered nor left her face, even when he broke the kiss to rest his forehead against hers.

Their breaths mingled together as they both breathed heavily. He decided to keep his eyes closed, simply savoring what would possibly be the last kiss he'd ever get to share with her. The last time he would ever be able to have her in his arms—even if it only be for a moment. Because despite loving him, she didn't want him anymore. And if she was giving up on them, there was nothing else he could do but say goodbye.

"I love you, Marinette." He decided to whisper, hoping she would believe him. Because he meant it. He really did. He had fallen in love with her, and he didn't think he would ever fall in love with anyone else. "I will always love you. Forever and always."

She whimpered, and he could feel her shaking in his hold. He pulled her into his chest, cradling her even as she wept on his shirt. Little did he know that in that moment, that would be the last time he would ever be able to tell her that.

Because even after all that, Marinette still decided to end her own life.

And he still had no idea why.

_______________________________

Haha hi... it's been a while... hasn't it? Sadly, I've been on hiatus with this story which is why I haven't updated in months...

But then all of a sudden, I got ✨inspiration✨ today

And this is the result! I hope you enjoyed it :) ʸᵒᵘ ᵇᵉᵗᵗᵉʳ ʰᵃᵛᵉ

Anyways hehe... thank you all for being so patient. See you in the next chapter... whenever that will be 😅

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