Credit for the AMV above goes to the YouTube channel Miraculous 101!

CHAPTER NINETEEN

After Adrien told Marinette that he loved her for the last time, he forgot what love was. In a way, he lost the sensibility to be able to detect it, to be able to feel it, to be able to show it. After all, he was practically forced to say goodbye to everything that he had identified as love. When she had voiced out her opinion that they should break up—officially—he knew that was it. The moment it was confirmed that they were over for good, he knew he had lost himself.

Because with her decision, went Adrien's heart. And it never recovered.

It was broken into a million pieces, though he had yet to convince himself that he hadn't deserved it. What he had done to Marinette had been far worse, and although he had apologized for his actions multiple times, his apologies didn't exactly erase the memories of the past either. So he was stuck. Stuck in between wanting to be better and realizing that the odds seemed to always work against him. Everything around him seemed to dim, color practically vanishing until his world became a grey and meaningless void.

Nonetheless, he had started to understand what love was when he was with Marinette. Really understand it. He started to realize what it meant to really love someone, and not just that, but how to prove it—and that made him happy. he was thrilled even, knowing how to do so even though his father hadn't been there to properly teach him or show him love. Adrien used to think once that he was incapable of really loving, which is one of the reasons why he'd slept with multiple girls carelessly. There was no way to ever take those actions back... so he tried to write over them by trying to have something real with Marinette.

But Marinette was done with him. Officially done. She had cut him out of her life with apparently no intension of ever looking back, and there was nothing he could do except accept that.

Whether she liked to believe it or not, Marinette had changed him for the better. But with her no longer being a part of his life, Adrien found himself slowly reverting back to what he used to be... and he didn't seem to care that all his progress had been lost either. He started hanging out with the wrong crowd again, went back to drinking and partying, and even started getting into illegal trouble with Nino again. He even became a cold, stoic figure that roamed the hallways with nothing but hatred in his eyes. Hatred for himself.

A few times he would spot Marinette down the hall, standing in front of her open locker. She would always catch him looking at her, and their eyes would always connect for what felt like an eternity. But she never approached him, only offered him a sympathetic look—as if that would somehow cure the tension and pain that had ruined their bond.

Adrien never reacted to her looks, though. He didn't even bat an eye. His expression always remained emotionless as he watched her, and he sometimes wondered, idly, in the back of his mind...

...if she missed him.

But he never asked. He was always the first to look away, to break eye contact. He was always the first to walk away, leaving his back turned towards her and giving her what could only be deciphered as the cold shoulder.

He never looked back over his shoulder.

He never turned around.

The only thing he still did was listen.

And as he silently observed his surroundings, the things he would hear would hurt his spirit tremendously. Most of what he heard were the things people liked to say; bad things about someone they knew nothing about. The more Adrien listened, the more he realized just how many times he heard Marinette's name roll off of foreign tongues, and how almost every single time he did hear her name, it was because someone was speaking about her negatively. What had she even done for so many people to hate her? Was she really that envied that people felt the need to bring her down? For a moment, anger consumed him over pain, and he considered intervening when he overheard a guy talking about Marinette in a sexual, disgusting way. Adrien would've pinned him up against the nearest wall and choked him until he could do nothing except gasp for air, begging to be released, had he lost his temper.

But something inside of him held him back. Whether it was because he didn't want to get into trouble with his father, or the fact that he was just too hurt to defend Marinette's name... he wasn't sure.

All he did know was that he did nothing about it, and turned the other cheek.

He turned away from many things as time went on. A few times, he caught people tripping Marinette in the hall, causing her to fall face first into hard, white tile and drop her books into a splintering heap of a mess. Most people would stare at the scene and laugh while others would pull out their phones to record. Embarrassed as Adrien assumed she would be, Marinette would avoid everyone's eyes. She would quickly scramble to her feet and pick up all of her things, and run to escape the embarrassment she was feeling. But he knew better than anyone that running away from your problems never fixed anything. Running away wouldn't stop the laughs, the teasing, or delete the recordings.

As a matter of fact, people who run away are the ones more likely to be picked on.

Eventually, a whole week had passed since he'd last spoken to Marinette. That didn't stop him from catching several glimpses of her everyday in the hall though, and the amount of times he would turn away to avoid making eye contact with her was definitely uncountable. Instead, he strived to avoid her all together, and spent most of his time either unfortunately glued to Nino's side and amongst their friend group (wandering down the halls with them but never actually engaged in their conversations) or with headphones plugged in his ears and music blasting through his eardrums to block out the reality of his world.

He started spending most of his free periods in the library, in the very back where no one ever bothered to browse. In the old days (as he liked to call them) no one could ever catch him there. He was usually out in the field throwing a football or selling weed behind the back of the school building if he had the chance. But despite reverting back to some of his old habits, there were a few he left in the past.

And there were also some achievements he decided to keep in the present.

So instead of socializing, he would sit on the floor in the very back of the library, leaned back against one the bookshelves as he studied. Studied, out of all things. Because Adrien Agreste was never known to take school seriously. But that was a new habit he intended to stick with, one that Marinette had shown him was good to keep. And so, as he studied diligently, Adrien would block out the world with earbuds in his ears.

Usually, Nino would come to get him after the period was almost over. So when someone lightly tapped him on his shoulder one afternoon, he thought it was Nino telling him that it was time to head on to their next class.

But when he slowly looked up from his textbook, he was surprised to find that it wasn't Nino.

It was Marinette.

Out of instinct, he pulled out his headphones.

"Hey," she said softly as soon as she knew he could hear her, her voice small. "So I see you decided to keep studying, I'm impressed."

He didn't show his surprise when their eyes met. Instead, he simply stared at her, his face void of any emotion. The only thought that crossed his mind was... why? Why was she approaching him, if she had wanted the complete opposite? And was she really trying to mock him?

"Are... are you making fun of me?"

Marinette's smile twitched slightly, but it didn't falter. At least not yet. "No... just... it's good to see you making an effort, you know?"

For some reason, that comment bugged him, and he found himself frowning—though he'd already been frowning before she even arrived. As a matter of fact, he couldn't remember the last time he had smiled.

His eyes narrowed as he watched her. Having Marinette here, in front of him, was honestly making him uncomfortable, especially when he had no idea why she was even here. "What do you want?" He asked her, his voice rough and clipped. He hadn't meant to sound mean, per-se, but he wasn't exactly in the mood to talk to her either.

Marinette's expression fell slightly, looking defeated as she gauged his behavior. He was honestly too annoyed with himself and heartbroken to really be kind towards her, nor could he in that moment show any sort of sympathy for the hurt look he had caused that seemed to overturn her small smile.

Adrien found himself internally kicking himself nonetheless, because he was already missing that smile, whether he wanted to admit it or not.

"Nothing." She was frowning now, her eyes practically burning holes into his own. Adrien didn't dare avert his gaze, not when he and Marinette were seeming to have an intense staring contest now. But he figured she was lying straight through her teeth, though. There was no way she would approach him for nothing.

So, he raised an unconvinced brow in response.

To that, Marinette's façade crumbled and her shoulders slouched. With a heavy sigh, she admitted the truth. "Okay. So maybe... not for nothing. I just wanted to see how you were doing. Believe it or not, I feel really horrible about what has happened between us."

He knew it. Adrien wanted to laugh at that, he really did. But he decided not to.

Instead, his expression remained emotionless as he returned his full attention to his textbook. "I'm fine."

He was no longer looking at her, so he couldn't read her expression. But he did hear Marinette let out a heavy sigh, sounding defeated, as if she expected him to react differently. "Adrien... I know things ended horribly between us, but I'm worried about you."

"I told you I'm fine, Marinette."

"I know you did." She said gently, "But I just have a feeling that you might be lying. And I just wanted to—"

"You wanted to what?" He slammed his textbook closed, snapping his head up to look at her with fury in his eyes. Despite trying to control his building anger, he couldn't resist the outburst that was at the tip of his tongue. And he couldn't exactly concentrate on studying with her there either. "What exactly are you trying to do, Marinette? I thought you wanted me to leave you alone for good?"

Marinette looked taken aback by his outburst. "Well yes, I did... but—"

"But what? There shouldn't be any buts. You're the one who wanted this."

Adrien gestured towards the space between them, the distance that would probably remain forever. The barrier she had created; the wall. Marinette watched his movements with hesitation, as if she had something to say but wasn't sure if she should.

Adrien sighed heavily, leaning his head back against the book case. He was emotionally exhausted himself, and Marinette's confusing behavior wasn't exactly helping the headache he was starting to feel. "What does it matter to you if I'm not fine anyways? Now is when you decide to be worried about how I'm feeling?"

Marinette's shocked expression quickly morphed into one of anger, matching his previous boiling expression. "That's not fair. I care about your feelings, Adrien. I care about you."

"I find that incredibly hard to believe at the moment, Marinette."

Marinette huffed stubbornly and folded her arm across her chest. "That's not fair, Adrien. You don't even have room to talk. You can't even begin to complain when you also—"

He knew right away where she was going with that, and he was not about to stick around to listen to it. "If you're going to bring up the past," He began slowly, and unhurriedly stood to his feet. "Then I really don't want to hear anything you have to say."

He heard Marinette let out a shaky breath, but Adrien didn't meet her eyes right away. Instead, he swung his backpack over one shoulder and kept his closed textbook pinned underneath his armpit. When he did decide to meet her eyes again, he realized he no longer had any more pain to grieve over, even as he watched a single tear slip down her cheek. "Even despite the change I went through to be a better person for you, you still hold the past over my head like a dark cloud that'll always rain on me. How long are you going to define me with my past?" He asked, the pain evident in his voice.

But she didn't have an answer for him. Her only response were more tears that silently cascaded down her pale, freckled cheeks. But that was the only answer he needed, really. Because her silence was enough to tell him that she would always hold the past against him.

And that she didn't really think he could change, or be better.

And that revelation hurt worse than their actual break up.

The blonde huffed, a bit bitterly, he'd admit it. "And you know what? I'll never be able to fix that. I tried to fix my mistakes, but I guess my attempts weren't good enough. I'll never be able to erase the past and rewrite it, so that's out of the question. So.. so.. I-I guess you'll never see me any differently. You'll always see me as a terrible person."

Marinette whimpered, her gaze pleading as she stared up at him. "That's not true, Adrien! I do see you differently. You've changed for the better so soo much, but now you're changing again. Except this time, you're just going backwards."

To that, Adrien actually laughed, but there was no humor laced behind it. "I have no reason to keep moving forward. After all, the only reason I even changed to be better in the first place was to be better for you. And even you don't fully believe that I can be better."

Adrien moved to step around her after that, not waiting to gauge her reaction. If Marinette was no longer going to be a part of his life, what was the point of being better? Without her, he had no reason to be a good person anymore. He didn't have a purpose without her.

And perhaps he realized that too late.

He looked over his shoulder one last time, catching her heartbroken features once more. "Don't talk to me anymore." The blonde said, his voice laced in all seriousness and complete emptiness. He heard Marinette take in a sharp breath, but he couldn't feel sorry for her. Not anymore. "For the sake of both our broken hearts, pretend that I don't exist, and I'll return the favor."

Time went on in a blur for him. Adrien attended school almost every day as a promise to keep his education as a priority, but he still dragged his feet down each hall like a robot programed to do so. He wasn't sure how much time had passed since he'd last spoken to Marinette, but after their last interaction, he hadn't seen her since, and she hadn't approached him again.

And he had convinced himself that was for the best.

Sometimes, he would find himself hopefully glancing over to his right, only to find that Marinette wasn't looking back... or standing at her locker. Unable to resist, he would take a sweep of the hallway, trying to spot her amongst the crowd. But he never could spot that bob of ravenette anywhere. He figured her absence that crushed that shimmer of hope he still had was for the best. After all, he had told her to leave him alone. To give him space. To pretend he didn't exist.

So that he could heal. So that they could both heal.

But for some reason, he started to look for her, only to realize that he could never find her anymore. Eventually, Marinette skipping multiple classes at a time started to become a regular. He would glance back at her usual seat, only to find it empty. He would ask his teachers if they'd seen her, only for them to claim that she simply wasn't feeling well. He figured that was just an excuse in order for them to brush him off. As if they knew where Marinette was.

He found Alya though, plenty of times, nestled against Nino's side in almost every class. He decided to approach her once, and asked her if she knew where Marinette was.

Alya's answer had first been a shrug of her shoulders, clearly uninterested in Marinette's whereabouts. Though, she did give him an actual answer when he persisted. But what she told him, however, wasn't an answer he'd been hoping for.

"Who knows, who cares." The brunette had said carelessly. "She's probably in one of her moods. Just give her some time to pull herself together. She'll show up when she's ready to be a big girl and socialize with people again."

Her answer didn't sit right with him, but he never commented on it. Instead, Adrien watched her walk away with Nino, a sort of a scowl pulling at his lips. He had always assumed Alya had been Marinette's best friend, but what kind of a best friend cared less about you than everyone else?

Later that night, Adrien decided to suck in his pride and give Marinette a call, mostly to apologize for what he had said to her, and to hopefully reconcile.

But it went straight to voicemail.

Confused, he dialed her again. The second time her phone did ring, but she never answered. A third dial brought him straight to her voicemail, and the fourth did as well.

Adrien sighed in frustration, and tiredly ran a hand down his face. He figured he couldn't blame her for not answering him. After what he had said to her last, it was only natural for her to presumably ignore him. He wouldn't hold that against her.

But despite that, he couldn't help but worry still.

The next morning, Adrien was greeted by the principal at his locker. Confused, he simply furrowed a brow in confusion as Mr. Damocles subtly handed him an enveloped letter.

"What's this?" Adrien asked defensively, holding it at eye level between himself and the principal. "Let me guess... a suspension letter? Are you suspending me for some stupid shit again?"

"Nothing like that, for a change." Mr. Damocles said with a mirthless chuckle, though the look the old man glared at him with could only be read as 'watch your language.' On a more serious note, however, he added, "But I would advise keeping this to yourself. Please read it whenever you have a moment alone."

The old man walked away before Adrien could question him further, but it didn't take a genius to spot the other letters that he had clenched in his hand.

And when Adrien finally was able to open his letter, alone in a graffitied bathroom stall, he understood why it had been given to him in such secrecy.

Because the letter had the worst news he'd ever received in his life written in printed, black ink.

We regret to inform you that the school board and staff have just been informed of the unfortunate passing of senior student Marinette Dupain-Cheng, and that anyone whom received a letter will be invited to her funeral upon her parents' request.

Our condolences go out to everyone who has received a letter.

Signed, Mr. Damocles.

Nothing registered properly in Adrien's mind after he read those words. The letter was crumbled into a ball and stuffed harshly into his hoodie pocket, and when he exited the bathroom, Adrien stalked down the hall with determination in his eyes. Everyone else who was oblivious to what had happened (or who hadn't received a letter), turned their attention on him, but Adrien paid them no mind. Instead, he began running. He bolted down the hallway, shoving past anyone who dared to stand in his way.

From behind him, he heard someone's distant, anguished cries echo out through the halls—which he figured could only be Alya finding out about the news herself. For a brief second, he wondered why she even felt sadness. But perhaps her cries were nothing but remorse. He didn't turn around to see if it really was her, nor did he stick around to provide any comfort. He ran outside, almost losing his balance as he stumbled down the concrete stairs.

As soon as his feet hit the sidewalk, he threw his backpack off of his shoulders and ran. His books spilled all over the concrete, littering the walkway, but just as he had in the beginning, he didn't give a damn about his education.

Marinette was more important.

So Adrien ran, and he didn't look back. He ran until his legs ached and burned.

He ran until he reached the Dupain-Cheng bakery, which when he arrived, had police cars still lined down the block. Yellow police tape surrounded the entire scene, preventing anyone from getting any closer. Red and blue sirens were silently still spinning and the potential ambulance that he presumed would've taken Marinette was nowhere to be seen.

So did that mean it had already left? And how could they know for sure if she was gone?

Adrien didn't hear anything. His ears were ringing. His eyes were stinging. He shoved his way past multiple police officers who tried to stop him and broke through the police tape, darting towards the already opened door of the bakery. As soon as he entered, he found her parents, leaned against one another. Sabine was openly crying, whereas Tom was struggling to keep a straight face as he talked to one police officer.

Their attention immediately turned on him, however, as soon as he stumbled through their doorway and the bell that hung over their doorframe dinged. The police officer immediately turned around, and upon seeing him, shouted for him to get out. But Adrien was frozen in place, unable to move.

Because the looks her parents wore only further confirmed that the letter was true.

"It can't be true." Adrien whimpered hoarsely, his voice sounding utterly broken as his gaze switched between both of Marinette's parents. Sabine let out another choked sob at the sight of him, which was only another devastating confirmation that it was true—that this wasn't a dream. "Please tell me it isn't true."

But no one could tell him what he wanted to hear. Instead, Tom silently nodded, the final confirmation that their daughter was officially gone.

"No..." Adrien whispered, and didn't even bother to resist when two officers came storming through the door to grab him each by one arm. "No. Please. NO! This can't be happening! This can't be true!"

His shouts were anguished cries, his pleads in vein, even as he was dragged on his heels out of the bakery. Her parents didn't try to stop them either. They just let them take him, even despite his pleads for them to allow him to stay. Adrien shoved the officers off of him as soon as he was outside, and he spit on the ground as they walked away, a scowl pulling at his lips. But as soon as he saw the stained pool of blood imbedded into the concrete in front of him, the blonde covered his lips with the palm of his hand, struggling to keep himself from gagging.

Behind him, he heard other people quietly talking with one another.

"Do you know what happened?" One person asked.

The other person sounded distressed, guilty even, as they replied, "They're saying the girl committed suicide. Apparently, she jumped."

"From all the way up there?"

"Yeah. Sad, isn't it?"

He blocked their voices out after that, and snapped his gaze up to the sky, his eyes lingering on Marinette's balcony—on the familiar black railing. The railing that Marinette would've had to purposely climb over to even be able to fall accidentally—

He slapped a hand over his mouth again, suddenly feeling extremely nauseous.

He fell to his knees—the concrete scraping his jeans—and cried into the palms of his hands.

Because Marinette was gone. She had jumped.

And not on accident either...

...but with purpose.

The last page in Marinette's journal was a hard one to read.

It mostly explained what he remembered so clearly—the day he discovered she had died. It explained what Marinette planned to do, and why she did it. It explained how she left everything prepared; the notes, the letters to her parents, her miraculous, this journal. It explained a confession, one that had him throwing a hand over his mouth and running to the bathroom to painfully empty out the contents in his stomach. Marinette had been pregnant. And the fact that he hadn't known; hadn't been there for her during that time only made him feel worse. There were multiple tear splotches that stained the wrinkled page, indicating that despite her assurance, Marinette had been afraid at the time. He could only wonder if at that time she had been having second thoughts, and he wished he could've been there to convince her to reconsider her plan.

But what the journal failed to explain, however, was who had officially pushed her to the edge.

He was relieved, slightly, knowing that it wasn't specifically mentioned as him. But that still left him with more questions that would never have answers. He remembered Kagami's mention of Lila as the potential culprit... but Marinette hadn't really spoken much about Lila in her journal, nor did Adrien remember many encounters with her when Marinette was still alive. So there was no official way to even know if Lila had pushed Marinette over the edge.

And if it wasn't Lila, then who could it have been? Or was it just a mixture of everyone combined?

Or... was it the baby?

He felt the tears roll silently down his face just at the thought of it. So perhaps it was his fault then.

Adrien squeezed his eyes shut and forced himself to take in a deep breath. He needed to stop jumping to conclusions, because he didn't know for sure, and although he would never have the answer to that question, he couldn't dwell over it either.

After the journey the journal had taken him through, Adrien couldn't believe that it was finally over—that he had read it all and that it was finished. The ending to Marinette's story hadn't been a happy one (though he had already anticipated that from the beginning), but it was a testimony. One that Marinette wasn't around to tell herself, but one that he would advocate for her.

But with the story finally over, Adrien officially had nothing left of Marinette, besides the journal that would be forever a reminder of what she'd gone through. But the journal had saved him, and not just him, but others too. Through him and through Marinette's journal, Alya, Nino, Luka, and even Chloé were saved from their pits of despair.

And although he had done that, had been the one to take that step, Marinette had been his guide.

And he wouldn't've been able to have done that without her.

Adrien let out a shuddered breath. With shaking hands, he moved to close the journal, until he realized there was a little pocket in the back cover with a piece of yellow paper poking out.

Adrien reacted on instinct. Slowly, his fingers moved to pull it out. And on it was a short sentence that had been clearly written in Marinette's handwriting.

Thank you for sharing the little piece of me that I left behind.

Love you forever and always,

Marinette.

_______________________________

*cries* 😭 this chapter was extremely difficult to write. But guess what? The next chapter will be the FINAL chapter to this book... and the ending might just shock you all.

See you there!

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