"For the love of fae Mihram!" Desa exclaimed as a giant crate landed on her right big toe. She lifted the edge of the crate and scooted her injured feet back from underneath the heavy box before lowering it with a thud back on the ground.

She wanted to sputter out expletives but restrained herself as she crouched a little. She was sure she lost the toe for a second there.

"What?" Mihram asked as he dusted his hands from the dirt.

Desa straightened up and placed a hand on her hip. "Can you please give a heads up next time when you decide to let a very heavy crate go so I can appropriately clear all my limbs from the impact zone?" She said as she looked pointedly at him.

Mihram scoffed and turned around. He was a real pain in the ass, Desa had came to realise. It was hard working with someone who didn't really believe you killed people without your free will. But she guessed it was the best under the circumstances. He was talking to her and not threatening her every few hours so, progress.

They had loaded another ship called 'Tidebearer' these past few days and it was exhausting work. Between spending her day working at the warehouse and her afternoons researching and then bending, she was tired. It was a good kind of tired, but still tired.

She looked around the docks scanning the many sweaty faces surrounding the busy day. Desa was on edge, waiting for the other shoe to drop. Because one thing that was certain was that the other shoe was going to drop. She just didn't know when.

It wasn't like Sontarro to let her go, mind his business. It had only taken her one day to find Aksel, seek him out and attack him, so Sontarro most definitely knew where to find him. So why wasn't anyone here? Desa looked at the stone buildings lining the harbour and the shadowed small streets between them. Was he already spying on her? Waiting for her to make a move?

Why wasn't anyone here dragging her back to him? The thought sent an involuntary shiver down her spine in spite of the hot day.

"You're daydreaming again." Mihram's off pitch sing song voice barrelled into her consciousness. Despite Aksel and Mihram being very close, they couldn't be further apart in personality. Where Aksel was the hull of the ship, strong and reliable, Mihram was the flimsy hole patched dirty sail flailing up against the pole. It was so easy to get annoyed with him, that it almost fascinated Desa. How exactly did someone manage to push this many buttons in such limited time? She wanted to learn just so she could instigate bar fights quicker in the future.

Desa moved to gather the heavy braided straw coloured rope into a more manageable heap so it could be carried onto the ship. The rope was almost as thick as her biceps, just lifting it was a feat on its own. "So tell me, how do you two know each other?" Desa asked Mihram as he continued carrying supplies onto the ship.

A sound akin to half laugh and half chuckle left Mihram's mouth while he walked down back from the gangplank. "So you can learn more about the guy you're trying to kill? I don't think so murderer."

The accusation rolled off of Desa's body like water, it sure did drench her but she had heard it from herself enough times that it didn't really emit an expression on her face. "Why would I need to learn more about a person to kill them? Wouldn't I just... kill them?" Desa asked.

Mihram's brows scrunched together in confusion, followed by anger. "I don't know how murderers work! Maybe you'll use the information to find weaknesses. Either way I'm not telling you anything." He huffed as he picked up another heavy barrel to carry onto the ship.

Desa continued winding up the rope. She would be lying if she told that Mihram's hostility didn't bother her. This was why she had never gotten close to anyone. If anyone knew what she did, it was only a matter of time before they started acting like Mihram. But then there was Aksel. The anomaly. He didn't act like normal around her. He trusted her and didn't treat her like a murderer, which she definitely deserved after trying to kill him. His actions only further threw her off. She didn't know how to act around him.

As Mihram walked back down, something caught Desa's eye. Sun glinted off of something on Mihram's hip and she almost rolled her eyes when she realised it was one of the daggers Mihram had taken off of her. As he came closer and bent over to pick up another barrel, she saw the second one strapped on the other side of his belt.

"You know I didn't gift you my daggers right?" Desa asked.

Mihram straightened and quickly took a step back as he placed a tentative hand over one of the said daggers. Desa raised one eyebrow in question as Mihram's purple eyes threw daggers in her direction. "You can't have daggers, you are dangerous."

Desa rose up from her position crouched next to the ropes on the ground and stood tall, slightly tilting her head. "You know that I don't need weapons to kill you right?" She took a slow deliberate step towards Mihram and he mirrored her by taking one back. A voice at the back of her head kept telling her that this was wrong, toying with his fear and acting hostile would not get her anywhere in him trusting her but she was just so sick and tired of getting jabs all the time and him walking around with her daggers like they would do anything to protect him from her.

"What are you doing?" Mihram's voice came out less stern than he was going for and Desa could hear the fear lodged in there. It was second nature at this point, this fear that was directed at her. This is what she knew, people fearing her whenever she stalked them in the darkness of the night with her blood red eyes. A small smile graced her lips as she closed the distance between them, cornering Mihram against a heavy stack of crates and effectively blocking the sight of him from the rest of the harbour.

"You know, I decided that I want my knives back Mihram. So if you would please?" Desa asked as she lifted her open palm in a request. Mihram shook his head as he closed a hand over the hilt of the dagger on his left hip.

"No way. I don't trust you with them. You are not getting them back." His angry exclamation just annoyed Desa more. She gave a disappointed sigh and dropped her hand.

"I just wish for once, people complied when they are politely asked." Desa shook her head. Mihram's face looked confused as Desa looked around the harbour making sure they were out of sight with a quick swipe of her eye and then moved.

One blink, she was steps away from Mihram and the next she was nose to nose with him. Mihram's eyes widened but before he could rise his hand, Desa's hand clamped down on his left hand covering the hilt of the dagger. Effectively preventing him from pulling it out of its sheath and stabbing her.

Mihram swiped his right arm for a hook but Desa leaned back out of his reach and then firmly pushed against the back of his elbow so his whole body kept turning with the force of his right hook. His reflexes and technique were good but this really wasn't a fair fight. Desa had learned fighting from people who were not honourable so her moves were sly and unfair.

With his back now turned to her, Desa pushed the length of her forearm against his spine, making his front flush with the crates. She made sure her movements were not harsh, only enough to disable him, she didn't want to hurt him unnecessarily. Before he could push against the crates and throw her back, Desa grabbed the dagger and the sheath on his right hip, and quickly took a few steps back.

Mihram swivelled around fuming. Apparently he didn't like that she was holding her dagger turning it around between her fingers. There was nothing amusing about the situation but he looked like a very angry teapot. Desa stifled the need to laugh and placed the dagger on her loose pants. "Can you now give me the second one so we don't have to do that again?" Desa asked politely.

This only seemed to anger Mihram more and without saying anything he closed the distance between them, throwing punch after punch. Desa evaded them by blocking them with her forearms and sometimes dodging to the side. He was very strong but his anger made him susceptible to side attacks. Desa did a half turn to his side and jabbed him in his ribs, causing his breath to hitch. As he was distracted she gave a delicate kick to the back of his right knee so he went down on one knee and she stood behind him.

Desa moved to headlock him from the back but just as she was snaking her arms in place across his throat, Mihram grabbed her forearm and rolled forward, slamming her back on the stone floor. Desa lost her breath in a whoosh from the impact and laughed as Mihram moved across her torso to pin her down.

"That was nice, it's heartwarming to see you adapt Mihram." Then she lifted her legs and closed them around Mihram's head, lifting her hips with all her weight, she managed to throw him off her torso and then quickly roll on top of him. "You just need a bit more practice."

Then Desa turned her upper body around, reached down and took the other dagger strapped to his hip. Immediately after she got what she was after, she disentangled and rose up, leaving Mihram lying on the floor on his back. Mihram rose on his elbows and threw Desa a look that said he wished she was shark bait. His flushed face was so angry that Desa felt bad for him as he got up and went in the direction of the Tidebreaker without another word.

Mihram definitely hated her more now. 'Great communication skills', she admonished herself. Desa gently tugged on her ponytail and sighed. What was she thinking? At least he had started talking to her like she was a person, now she had definitely proven that she was the enemy. Desa closed her fist against her forehead and hit her head a couple of times. "Stupid, stupid." She murmured to herself. "Just let him have the stupid daggers. Why did you have to fight him." It wasn't his fault that she was a murderer and fighting was the only thing she knew how to do.

"Who did you fight?" Aksel's voice came from behind her and Desa immediately lowered her hand down from her forehead and turned to face him. Aksel was there leaning against a stack of crates as his white linen shirt and dark blue hair moved in the breeze. The sun made the outline of his strong upper body visible under the shirt and it was hard not to stare. He looked so good, it was unfair. Desa felt her cheeks slightly flush in indignation.

"Had a little fight with Mihram." Desa admitted, it was futile lying because he would probably find out from Mihram himself when he told Aksel how she was a dangerous criminal who got her knives back. Fuck, she really was dumb. Aksel's eyes slid over to Mihram who was working on the Tidebreaker and then turned back to Desa.

"Is that why he looks like he was forced to swallow a whole jellyfish?" Aksel asked as his eyes bore into her. Desa couldn't stop as a smile broke out of her and she laughed. Aksel's face transformed as well as his deep rich laugh reached her. The sound of it rejuvenated her.

Desa looked in Mihram'a direction, seeing how angry he still was as he continued working. She bit down on her lower lip. "Don't worry. He'll come around." Aksel's voice made her turn around.

Desa shook her head, "I don't think so. He's right to not trust me." She suddenly felt older than her twenty one years. Everything about Mihram's attitude towards her was justified but it still hurt.

"Then it's his loss." Aksel said. Desa raised her eyes and her breath caught at the intensity of his grey eyes. Looking at him for too long made her dizzy like staring at an eclipse. Her eyes fluttered and she forcefully turned her head before she went blind.

"Come on, we've got training to do." Aksel said as he turned around and started walking towards the warehouse. Desa trailed after him. She silently thanked Aksel for taking her away from working with Mihram for the rest of the morning, which was bound to be tense after that whole ordeal.

"Did you find something in the books?" Desa asked as they climbed the stairs at the back of the warehouse. She knew the answer already but couldn't stop herself from hoping the answer would be different every time.

"No. Not yet." Aksel's voice carried in the staircase. They reached the level of his house but they didn't stop there, continued going up. Desa was confused but didn't say anything. "We need to get you bending and fast." He said from over his shoulder and then opened the metal door for the roof. Desa was relieved that his back was turned so he didn't see the blush spreading from her cheeks to her neck as she remembered the last time she tried to bend. His memory of his feather light touches still burned on her lips. She squeezed her lips together in a futile attempt to stop them from feeling.

Aksel walked and stopped in a shaded portion of the roof and signalled for her to sit down. Desa didn't argue as she stood before him and then lowered herself to the ground, crossing her legs. She looked up at his towering figure, and waited for his instructions expectantly. She hadn't realised how much she really trusted or looked for his guidance but these moments alone with him really had became her favourite time.

"I have a theory but you'll have to be the one to try your hardest to see whether it is true or not." Aksel said. Desa nodded her head and waited for him to continue. Aksel took a deep breath, "I think you can bend even under your restrictions but because you spent most of your life suppressing that part of you, now it's blocked. And whenever you try to access it, your past trauma rises to the surface, causing your body to have an adverse reaction."

In short, she was causing herself to go into panic attacks whenever she tried to use her powers. Great, yeah, another thing for her to be stifled by. Like Sontarro's enchantment wasn't enough, now her brain was contributing. Even though she felt like screaming at herself for a decade, Desa just nodded to show that she understood and signalled him to keep going.

"Past traumas are hard to work through, especially the ones that are deeply connected to bodily functions. Sometimes it is easier to accept and not repeat the actions that bring them forth than to push forward and face those fears. But you need to bend. So we have to push through." Aksel took a break to crouch down so he was eye level with Desa. "Are you okay with that?"

Desa took a shaky breath as she nodded. Yes of course she could push against her fears without breaking down. No problem. She just needed to get over her life long fear of herself and her bending abilities. No worries, easy peasy.

Aksel could most probably read her mind because he gave her a small encouraging smile that mostly said he understood how hard it was. "How we can do this mostly depends on you. But the most vital part is to create more pleasant experiences when you bend. The one time you air bended fuelled your fears and because you have no other reference point, your body logically thinks it's going to end up the exact same way even though your brain might think otherwise."

All of this made sense, she knew how hardwired her brain was to being afraid of her powers but it was kind of hard being vulnerable in front of Aksel as he kept explaining. It was like he knew her inner workings better than herself. She felt stripped off her layers under his inscrutable gaze.

"One way to overcome this is, compartmentalising. We will create new pathways between new memories and you bending, and keep using those roads in your brain until they are worn down and your instincts won't react as harshly when you try to bend. We will lock away your traumas so they don't surface when you bring forth your powers."

"New memories? How can I create memories with bending when I can't bend?" Desa asked.

"We'll do everything resembling bending. The steps leading up to bending, so when the time for the next step comes, you will be physically and mentally ready." 

Desa squinted her eyes at Aksel. "I can swear this will end up with me endlessly sitting down and meditating for hours again."

Her suspicions were confirmed when Aksel grinned at her. "That will be a part of it yes. For today I want you to start by feeling the wind around you, the particles,  and move your mind with them, like you're the one directing them. Let yourself be guided with them, drifting away. Show your consciousness that there is nothing to fear in that motion. When that becomes second nature, we can move to creating new memories."

Everything about the mention of creating new memories brought up a thousand tiny anxious critters crawling in her guts but Desa pushed those thoughts away. Breathing in, she closed her eyes. One step at a time.

Sorry I was busy at the hospital, and I literally needed to threaten myself to force out these words.

Hope you liked the chapter! ❤️