Maddy's giggle floated above the cafeteria tables as she chose a spot where Carter sat, slouched against the wall.  Link quickly occupied the seat beside Maddy as Donovan slid in next to Carter, his arm brushing hers. The noise of the space grew, voices bouncing off the walls and colliding with each other. Carter's thoughts stayed lost in the day before, her expression stony. She glanced down at her uneaten sandwich.  

"It's yours if you want it," she said.

Donovan looked at her.

"Not hungry?" he asked.

She shook her head, her eyes glazed.

Donovan studied her, his eyes narrowed. She scowled at him, defensive.

"What?" she snapped, his gaze irritating her.

"Yesterday, did you talk to her or did you badger her?"

"What's that supposed to mean?"

"Exactly what I said. Did you talk or did you go in looking for a fight?" he asked.

Carter working to seem unconcerned.

"I went to talk," she said.

"But you ended up looking for a fight."

She clenched her fists inside her pockets. 

"How could you possibly know that?"

"Because, regardless of what you think, I know you. And I know if you had talked to her, actually talked to her, you wouldn't look this way."

"Yeah? And what way is that?" she mocked. "Still pissed?"

"No. Lost." 

Carter leaned close, her face tight with anger.

"I'm not lost," she hissed. "I know exactly where I'm at."

Donovan didn't back away, their faces only a few inches part.

"Do you?" he asked.

Before she could let the question bury itself in her mind, she burned it away with renewed anger.

"You are the one who doesn't know anything," she said.

Donovan shrugged and leaned back against the wall.

"You're right," he said. "I only know what you've told me and what I see. It's given me a pretty clear picture. Maybe you should find out if you are the one not seeing clearly."

Frustration raced through Carter.  

"Don't assume you know everything," she snapped.

"Maybe you should listen to your own advice."

"Back off, Donovan. I don't need you. Or your help." 

She snatched her blazer and bag and stormed out of the cafeteria.

*******************

Donovan's question beat against her mind, like the rain that pelted her face as she stepped off the bus in her neighborhood. His final statement darted through her head, taunting her. She walked to the deli, blind to the rain soaking her jacket. Her emotions were a muddled pool. By the time she stepped into the warm embrace of the deli, her hands were numb from cold.

Maggie paused at the sight of Carter, dripping with water. She grabbed a hand towel and hurried over to her.

"Hun," she said, "look at you."

Carter glanced down at herself, accepted the towel and wiped at the rain that clung to her sleeves and soaked her hair. She carelessly dried off her bag, with Maggie watching, concerned.

Only a few tables were filled, the occupants lost in work or phones. The clouds clashed outside, sending lightening skittering away, closely trailed by roars of thunder. Rain beat at the window, sending rivers sliding down the glass.

Settled into a booth, Carter watched the storm. Maggie set down a plate with two cookies, prodded Carter's arm and handed her one. For a long moment, either of them spoke and neither of them ate. Carter broke the cookie into pieces, staring at the crumbs.

"Steve said you talked to your mother yesterday," Maggie said, her tone cautious.

Carter nodded.

"How did it go?" Maggie asked.

Carter shrugged. Maggie reached out a hand and placed it on Carter's.

"I know it must have been hard, but at least you got closure, right?" 

At the word closure, Carter pulled back: it was the last thing she felt. Inside her still felt like a gaping wound, a wound she was powerless to close. She dropped the cookie and slid out of the booth.

"I have to go."

Maggie stood, but didn't go after her. Carter yanked the door open and hurried into the cold and battering rain. She raced across the street, down the alley. She pounded up the stairs, taking them two at a time. She shouldered the door open and stepped inside. The door shut as she leaned against it. The apartment lay absolutely still.

In the silence she felt her thoughts returning. Before they could drown her in confusion, she moved to her room, discarded her layers of wet clothes and changed to the first dry thing she found. She unlocked her father's gun case and pulled out the first gun her eyes landed on.

She sank to the floor and disassembled it. There was a chill over the apartment but she didn't feel it. Her chaotic thoughts settled as she focused on something that she could control. Something she could understand. Something that made sense.

Over and over again, her fingers worked tirelessly, tearing her work apart only to rebuild it again.  The light shifted and melted from the sky. Still she worked on the gun, her fingers working by memory more than by sight.

Her father found her in the same spot hours later, her fingers bruised from pressing the metal too hard. A pain beyond grief came over him. He crouched beside her and laid one gentle hand on top of her's, stilling her frantic movements.

She didn't look at him. In the silence of the room, the rain continued to hit the window in a never ending patter.

"What am I not getting?" she said, her voice barely audible.

"Sarge..." her father said, with a weary sigh. 

She looked at him, her face tight with anger and hurt.

"What am I missing?!" she said. "What is wrong with me? Why did she leave...What did I do wrong?"

Carter's voice cracked and she dropped her head. Her father sank to the ground beside her.

"Look at me, Carter."

She didn't look at him. He rested a hand on her shoulder.

"Sarge, look at me."

Finally she turned.

"It wasn't your fault," he said. "Your mother left because she decided to leave. Her decision was based on her feelings, it had nothing to do with you, you hear me?"

He held her gaze in the dim light for a long moment, hoping his words got through.

"You can't take on this guilt. I don't know fully know why she left, but it had nothing to do to you."

"If I'm not the reason she left, then why?" she whispered. "Why did she leave me?" 

Her father pulled her close, wrapping a protective arm around her, as if he could shield her from the guilt he knew she felt. They stayed silent, neither knowing what to say next, trapped in emotions they hadn't felt for years.

**********************************************************************

Cappuccino Fudge Blitz! (Never had it but it sounds like magic!)

Oh dear me! The ship has a hole in it! Not going to lie slightly worried about the state of Darter right now! Are you worried? Tell me you have faith in them!

Raise a hand if your just a little mad at me that they fought right after they had a moment the chapter before!
(Haha didn't expect any less. Don't worry I'm mad at Carter)

That was kind of intense and slightly depressing chapter, how are you feeling?

Ideas on what's eating away at Carter?

Thoughts on why she doesn't talk to her father?

How was your week? (Go ahead and vent what you want!)

Convertible car or motorcycle?
(With a guy of course!)

Asiko ibeere! (Yoruba) This question is from the beautiful babyface8867: What is your greatest fear?

(Tell me what yours is, I'm curious!)

Answer: It's going to sound odd to you. Naturally, I have a lot of fears, drooling in public, walking into glass doors, the death of my loved ones, turning on the garbage disposal with my hand still in it, being stuck in a cubicle for life, staining my favorite shirt, you know the usual stuff. But my greatest fear...well, I would have to say living a boring life. It sounds simple but that's what it comes down to. That and seeing a really hot guy, waving, end up smacking myself in the face and running into a pole all at once.

Fear, Conquer, Live!