Lost

I stand still while the crowd is applauding and cheering for me and Benedict. But deep inside and if only I have a choice, I'll run to follow Rafaelle. I am very sure that he is upset because of the sudden news. If only I have the courage to tell him about everything I am suffering with.

"I need to go," I whispered to Benedict. He won't let me go no matter what I said. He is holding me too close and I am disgusted by his presence.

"No, you stay here beside me. And please, fix your face. You look disgusted rather than in love," he said then roughly pulled me closer.

"I am really disgusted. What can I do with that?" I clenched my fist. I really want to punch him but the visitors are looking at us.

Gusto ko nang sundan si Rafaelle kung saan man siya nagpunta. Doon na lang din ako. Ayoko na rito.

"You didn't tell me." Sinamaan ako ng tingin ni Sammy.

Kahit sa matalik kong kaibigan ay hindi ko kayang ipagtapat ang nangyari. I can't and as long as I can handle it, I am keeping it to myself. Ayokong madamay pa sila sa gulong pinasok ko. I let myself fell in this situation, I must get out on my own. Wala dapat madamay na ibang tao, lalong-lalo na si Rafaelle. My stubbornness must be enough for him to handle.

"Biglaan lang kasi at, gusto kong dito m-mismo sa party i-announce." Kinagat ko ang pang-ibabang labi ko at tinuon ang mga mata sa pagkaing nakahain sa akin.

"Audri, I am happy that you already found someone who can stand you but I am your mother." Ngumuso pa ang aking ina na parang nagtatampo pa. "Ako dapat ang unang makakaalam."

I sighed. "I told you, I want it to be a surprise. Kapag sinabi ko sa inyo, hindi na iyon surprise." Gusto kong pagsasampalin ang sarili ko dahil sa mg kasinungalingang lumalabas sa bibig ko. Sana lang ay may paraan pa para makaalis ako sa sitwasyong ito. I really want to be with Rafaelle.

"I think your announcement got all the visitors excited. Even the queen is started imagining your wedding reception. When is the wedding, by the way?" the king asked while smiling widely.

Lumunok ako ng ilang beses at inunahan si Benedict sa pagsasalita dahil kung hahayaan ko siya ay mapapasubo talaga akong pakasalan siya kung sakaling magbanggit siya ng petsa. "We haven't talk about it yet. What we want for now is to be engaged for a long time to enjoy ourselves. I will inform you first if we are both decided the date, Your Majesty." Tumango-tango at kinagat ang pang-ibabang labi na nanginginig pa.

"Oh, okay. Looks like that's a bad news for my wife. Mas excited pa siya sa inyo. Weddings makes her ecstatic." He laughed.

Tumawa rin ako pero sobrang peke n'on dahil sa kaba. Benedict would not move and I can feel his anger on his grip to my arm. I don't care. Magalit lang siya. I need to find Rafaelle.

"Where's Rafaelle? I haven't seen him since your announcement. Where did that boy go?" tanong ng hari na buti na lang ay binanggit niya sa harapan namin.

Kinalas ko ang pagkakahawak ni Benedict sa akin at hindi na siya nakapalag pa dahil sa hari.

"I am gonna go and find him, Your Majesty. For the meantime, Benedict will entertain you." I smiled then look at Benedict who's glaring at me. I rolled my eyes then gently walk faster than normal away from him.

I can feel the suffocation while I am walking towards the main door to get away from this ballroom. I need to breathe. I need air to freshen up my mind. I need Rafaelle.

"Where is he?" I whispered to myself while look at both direction of the hallway.

Saan siya magpupunta tuwing nagagalit siya o magtatampo sa akin. Wala akong alam dahil hindi pa yata siya nagagalit kahit minsan sa akin. Kahit iniinis ko siya ay mas mahaba pa sa buhok ni Rapunzel ang pasensya siya.

"Rafaelle," I tried calling his name while walking.

Baka sakaling nasa loob siya ng mga silid na nadadaanan ko. Kung nandoon man siya ay baka hindi rin sumagot dahil nga galit sa akin. Paano ko kaya susuyuin iyon? Paano ko maaalis ang galit niya na hindi sinasabi ang tunay na dahilan kung bakit ako magpapakasal kay Benedict?

Hindi ko maintindihan kung anong klaseng kamalasan ba ang dumikit sa akin at kung bakit ganito na lang ang nangyayari. Gusto ko lang naman ng maayos na buhay. Ang pangarap ko lang dati ay matapos ang pag-aaral ko at makatulong kay mama. Iyon lang ang plano at kahit papaano ay magkaroon ng katuwang sa buhay. Iyong tanggap kung ano ako at hindi ako sasabihan ng pokpok.

"That's Rafaelle," wala sa sariling sambit ko at napahinto sa paglalakad.

Ngayon ko lang naisip na ang lalakeng pinagdarasal ko na sana ay bigyan ako ay nasa harapan ko na pala. Nasagot na pala ang dasal ko at hindi man lang ako nakapagpasalamat. Hindi ko man lang alam na binigay na pala sa akin ang lalakeng gusto kong makatuwang at makasama habang buhay.

It was Rafaelle after all. The man I am praying for to have. The man who can understand my flaws. The man who will push me to be better. The man who will encourage me to be responsible. The man who is just like me. Rafaelle.

Umikot ako para tunguhin ang maliit na kusina na bihirang gamitin ng mga nagluluto. Siguradong nandoon si Rafaelle at umiinom ng gatas. And he made one for me. Tumulo ang luha ko habang tumatakbo at hawak ang laylayan ng gown na suot. I really need him right now. Even though I don't want to rely on someone because it will make them think that I am very weak, that's not a problem as long it is Rafaelle I'll show my weakness.

I quietly and slowly open the door and I found him staring seriously at the glass of milk in front of him. I knew that he felt my presence. His jaw clenched. My heart literally ached when I saw another glass of milk at the other side of the table. I immediately knew that it was for me.

I wiped my tears and let out a deep breath. Lumapit ako sa kanya, hindi pa rin niya ako tinitingnan kahit nasa harapan na niya ako. Hinawakan ko baso at mainit pa iyon. Halatang kagagawa lang. I smiled, kahit naninikip ang dibdib ko ay ngumiti ako sa kanya. I stared at his handsome face. Nakakunot ang noo niya at hindi ko masabi kung ano ang tumatakbo sa isipan niya. I really want to connect with him deeper. At first, I thought that having sex with someone can connect you deeper on that person. I was wrong. Sex maybe the highest form of intimacy that two person can do but if hearts don't speak with each other, it's just a plain connection that can easily be broken apart.

Ininom ko ang gatas at sakto lang ang init n'on kaya diretso kong naubos ang laman ng baso. Doon siya napatingin sa akin at bahagya pang umiling. I heard him sigh then drink his milk.

"Rafaelle," I called his name to get his attention once again.

"What?" Iritado niyang sagot.

"Are you mad at me?" diresto kong tanong. Wala rin namang mangyayari kung magpapasikot-sikot pa ako.

"I am not."

Hindi raw pero ang sama ng tingin sa akin.

"Don't lie to me, Rafaelle. I can see it in your eyes." Kinagat ko ang pang-ibabang labi ko.

He smirked. "Why can't I lie? You lie to me too. Patas lang kung magsisinungaling rin ako sa iyo."

Nanginig ang buong katawan ko at muntik nang may pumatak na luha sa mga mata ko.

"I didn't lie."

"You did. You said you like me but here you are, marrying someone else. You made me look like a fool hoping for something that wasn't even true." He rolled his eyes at me.

My heart broke into more pieces. I don't know how to respond. Hindi ko alam ang dapat na salita para ipaliwanag na totoo ang nararamdaman ko sa kanya at hindi iyon kasinungalingan.

Umiling ako. "I really like you, Rafaelle. And that's not a lie. It's the truth that I even admit to myself."

"Liar! Tell me that again and I will forget every moment we shared together. Tell me again that lie and I will forget that you are a friend to me. How can you lie to me after I told you the whole truth about me? Ginawa mo lang ba iyon para maloko ako? Sinabi mo lang na gusto mo ako para makuha ang loob ko? And, bakit hindi mo sinabi sa akin na may namamagitan na pala sa inyo ni Benedict? Para naman naidistansya ko ang sarili ko at hindi na nahulog pa nang mas malalim. I hate you, Audrina! I hate you for making me feel this way. You hurt me. You broke my trust and faith." A tear fell from his left eye. My heart shattered more.

"I'm so sorry, Rafaelle. Don't hate me please. I swear, my feelings for you are real. I like you, I really do. And I need you so much. I don't want to walk into that ballroom without you. I can't do this without you. Please," I begged and held his arm.

He looked at me. The look that he gave to me the first time we met. To formal and the care is gone.

"Don't worry, I'll still help you. Maybe, your engagement with Sir Benedict will help us to shoo Lord Maxwell. Great job, Miss Audrina, you give us a big chance to win." Tumikhim siya. "From now on, my only purpose in your life here inside the mansion is to remind you that you need to be a duchess and lead the Bien. We will not talk if it is not about business. We will talk in a very formal way to--"

"No! I don't want that! I don't want that! I want our relationship before. I don't want that to change." I tears are flowing.

"You should have thought about that before you agreed to marry Sir Benedict. I need to respect your relationship by distancing myself." Hinugot niya ang braso niya mula sa pagkakahawak ko. Lumayo siya at tumayo ng tuwid. "I really do like you, Audrina. You gave me hope. You made me believe that we can be what we wanted to be without caring too much of what people may think. You don't bother when I said what is my real identity. You encouraged me. You embraced me but also broke me into pieces. You broke my trust and you shattered my heart. I was falling and I was ready to fall because I thought you will be there to catch me. But I was wrong."

I reached for his hand but he quickly moved it away. I can even breathe properly because of crying. Ayokong matapos kami sa ganito. Alam kong mali ang ginawa ko pero wala naman akong magagawa.

"Rafaelle, I love you. Please, stay with me. I need you."

Tumawa siya ng peke at sinamaan ako ng tingin. "How dare you? Pagkatapos mong tanggapin at ianunsyo ang pagpapakasal kay Benedict, sasabihin mo sa akin 'yan ngayon. Are you out of your mind? Or playing your game again? Audrina, you can't play with me. Hindi mo akong pwedeng paglaruan. Why? Because you want a challenge. You want to prove to friends that you can lure a prince. Para tumaas ang katayuan mo bilang isang babaeng kaladkarin?"

Tuluyang nanlambot ang binti ko dahil sa mga huling salitang binanggit niya. No, please. Not you, Rafaelle. Don't say that. It hurts so much when it is coming from you.

"Sige na, Audrina. Sabihin mo sa mga kaibigan mo na nakaakit ka na ng isang prinsipe. Ikaw na ang pinaka-pokpok sa mga pokpok. I am sorry for the word but that's how you made me look at you by now." He turned his back at me and walk out of the room.

No! Not my soft prince. Not him. It hurts so much. I can't feel my body because my heart hurts so bad.

I need someone to save me from this situation. I need Rafaelle but he turned his back at me. He doesn't want me anymore. I am just a slut for him. If I didn't let Benedict to touch me, maybe, Rafaelle is still with me.

But now, I lost him.