Give up

I was staring at him, waiting for him to open his eyes and ensure that everything is alright. Hindi ako mapakali kahit na sinabi ng mga doktor na ayos lang siya. This is all my fault at the very beginning. Kung sana ay mas pinigilan ko pa siya ay baka hindi ito nangyari. Isa pang dumagdag sa isipan ko ay ang kondisyon ni Benedict ngayong nanalo siya sa duwelo nila ni Rafaelle. I'm so sure that Rafaelle will blame himself for that. I don't want him to think about that anymore. Ang mahala sa akin ngayon ay ligtas siya at maging maayos ang kalagayan niya.

I volunteered to stay with him all day and all night. Ito lang ang magagawa ko para sa kanya. Kung tutuusin ay wala pa pala akong nagagawa sa kanyang kahit na ano. He was asking for my help first but he ended up helping me to get out of the mess I'm getting myself into. I am so lucky that Rafaelle is the kind of person that won't hold any grudges against people. He is also the kind of person that will help you no matter what cost him to respond to your cry. I am that it is Rafaelle that's with me. I can't imagine anyone else but him. I truly care for him. I will continue to care for him.

Hindi ko namalayan ang mga oras na lumilipas. Ang tanging gusto ko lang ngayon ay imulat niya ang kanyang mga mata. I waited but I failed. Nakatulog ako, hindi ko alam kung ilang oras pero nang magising ako ay alam kong nakumpleto ko ang tulog ko dahil nagbalik na rin ang lakas ko na naubos dahil sa nangyari. I woke up and immediately stood up when I saw Rafaelle smiling at me. Inayos ko ang sarili ko at kinagat ang pang-ibabang labi. Wala pa ako sa sarili at ilang beses pang nagkusot ng mga mata bago lumapit muli sa kanya.

"A-Are you alright?" I don't know what to ask or what to say. Hindi ko alam kung tama bang 'yan ang tanong ko sa kanya dahil alam ko naman ang sagot. Everything is far from being alright.

Nawala ang ngiti sa kanyang mga labi at nagbaba ng tingin. He sighed. "I failed you, Audrina. I only made things even worse. Sana ay nakinig ako sa iyo. Sana ay hindi ko na lang pinilit. I'm sorry. I promise--"

I hugged him and that gesture made him shut his mouth and swallowed what he was about to say.

It doesn't matter what will happen to me after this. I really don't care if I marry Benedict as long as he is safe.

"I'm glad you are okay. You scared me. I thought I'll lose. Don't scare me like that again." I was sobbing and even though I can truly say that he is fine, my heart is still aching. Why he was saying sorry to me? I am the one that should ask for forgiveness. I put his life in danger. I pushed him to do this. "I'm so sorry, Rafaelle. I'm so, so sorry."

He caressed my back as I cried on his shoulders. I don't know how much I care for this man. I just know that I'm scared and I don't know what to do if something bad happen to him. I will never make him repeat that stupid plan.

"I failed you, Audrina. Now, you need to decide for your incoming wedding. I did that. I made worse. Ako ang may kasalanan kaya bakit ka humihingi ng tawad. Audrina..." He made me look at him. He dried my tears using his thumb. "I did that because I can't seat and watch you with that man. It is the same feeling whenever I see Leo talking with Olivia. I am jealous and at the same time, I am very scared that he might hurt you. I don't want that. I want you to rely only to me just like before. You've grown so much since the first time I brought you here and I am afraid that you will grow very far away from me."

I smiled at him and drop small kisses on his lips before kissing him passionately. I am happy that our feelings are very same. I can't imagine falling to a prince. I never thought of this thing. Just a little time and a little more reason then I can say that I am completely fall in love with this man. And I think, I will never push him to change who he is. That's him. That's Rafaelle. He never see how bad I was and it's just so right to accept him completely.

I made him eat the mashed potato prepared by Duchess Muriel. Ayaw niya pang kainin noong una pero pumayag din naman nang sabihin kong wala siyang ibang kakainin kung hindi iyon lang. Hindi ko alam kung bakit hindi siya binibisita ng mga kapatid niya. Si Rachim lang ang naparating namin na may dalang balita.

"So, Lord Maxwell is nowhere to be seen. What happened to him?" tanong ko kay Rachim pagkatapos niyang sabihin na umatras na si Lord Maxwell sa laban.

Knowing him, based on what I have observed so far, he doesn't like losing. So, what happened?

"I told you already that this Benedict knows how to play the game. You said that Benedict is the most trusted assistant of Maxwell, well, probably he knows a lot of things about him. Even dark secrets. He maybe used that to get rid of that Lord Maxwell. And now, it's you, Audrina. You are his next target to gain power. If you choose to rule Bien whil you are married to him, he will use what he got to get the power from you. You are the duchess but he got your neck. Do you understand?" Rachim raised his eyebrow.

Tumango ako. "In my situation right now, I-I can't accept the position. I can't be the duchess of Bien."

"That's the safest thing to do. But you must not let him know that. Kailangan mo munang sakyan ang mga gusto niyang mangyari. We still don't know what he can do."

Bumagsak ang balikat ko at napalingon kay Rafaelle na parang kanina pa naghihintay ang mga mata sa akin. Umiling siya at hinawakan ang mga kamay ko.

"You promised, Audri. You promised you will help me," malungkot na sabi niya.

"Sorry, Rafaelle. I am the one who failed you. I failed you. I can't risk the future of Bien. I can't risk everything. I don't want to make any promises now. I'm so sorry." Kung ipagpapatuloy ko ang lahat at paninindigan ko na maging duchess ay masasayang lahat ng iningatan ng ama ko at ng mga ninuno ko. I will be the downfall of Bien. Ako ang inaasan ng dating duke na magpapabangon sa nasa putikan ngayong Bien dahil sa mga ginawa niya. Kung si Benedict lang din ang magdidikta sa akin ay baka tuluyan na ngang hindi makabangon ang Bien.

"I should start explaining the situation to my mother. She will hate me, for sure. She didn't know that I am a dirty woman. Having sex with all the men she met. I am the daughter she's admiring right now. I am very far away from that perfect Audrina she's living with. I am a failure from the start. A mistake, a loser, and never been a winner of life. And a girl like me doesn't deserve you at all. Maybe, that weird saying about Ferris Wheel is not true at all. I am bound to leave you soon. It's better that we stop this strange feeling that we have for each other." Nasabi ko lahat iyon kahit nandito pa si Rachim. Siguro naman ay alam na niya kahit papaano kung ano ang namamagitan sa amin ng kapatid niya. Alam din kaya niya na ang tunay na kalooban ni Rafaelle? Nararamdaman kaya niya bilang buong kapatid ang pagkakaiba ni Rafaell sa kanilang lahat?

"I will not make any promises but I'll do my best to find whatever useful information that we can use to take down Benedict. Lady Audrina, I can see how desperate you are to get out of this mess. You obviously love Bien to make such sacrifices. But also, I love my brother, Rafaelle. And I can see and feel that he really cares for you so much. Hindi ko alam kung ano ang mga pangako niyo na binitiwan niyo sa isa't isa, hindi yata ako patatahimikin ng konsensya ko kapag wala akong nagawa. Just be with my brother as long as he wants you by his side." Tinapik ni Rachim ang balikat ko saka lumabas ng kwarto.

Pareho kami ni Rafaelle na nakatitig sa pintong nilabasan niya. I didn't know that Principe Rachim has a very soft heart. He seems too hard. His strong facial features don't help.

"Rachim is an ideal hermano. Me and our half-brothers love him so much. Kahit ang mga asawa ng mga kapatid ay gustong-gusto siya kahit na pa noon ay inaway sila ni Rachim. He is protecting us from possible mistakes that we can make. From the decision that we choose. I never knew that we put a lot on him." Rafaelle sighed.

"I just hope that he can find something. Napakalaking utang na loob ang tatawanawin ko sa kanya." Yumuko ako at tinitigan ang magkahawak naming mga kamay. Ngumiti ako. "You know what? I want to love you. I want to see myself being in love with you. I want that feeling but I can't."

"Why not, Audrina? You don't want me?"

Nag-iwas ako ng tingin. "We can't fall in love with each other. If we did, we will end up hurting each other. The last thing that I will do is too hurt. I don't what to do that after all."

"Marrying Benedict means hurting me, Audrina. You don't know how much it hurt me when you announced your engagement. You hurt me already. I should not feel committed because there is nothing between us but sex, but there's something inside me that wants you only for me. Why, Audrina? Why it is so easy for you to throw away what we have? Am I easy to forget?" He touched my cheek. Basa na iyon dahil sa mga luhang pumatak mula sa mga mata ko.

Iniwas ko ang mukha. "Please, Rafaelle. Don't make this hard for me. Kaya ayokong mahulog nang tuluyan sa iyo dahil mahihirapan akong magdesisyon. It is between you and Bien. That's hard. If only I can choose both but I can't. Kung alam ko lang na magkakaganito, sana noon pa lang ay sinabi ko na sa hari na gusto kitang pakasalan. I want you in my life. Iyon na pangarap ko ngayon. You are the man I prayed for. Ang akala ko ay hindi na maibibigay dahil sa rami ng lalakeng nakasalamuha ko, lahat sila ay hindi kayang pantayan kung ano ang meron ka. Ikaw iyon, eh. Ikaw ang gusto kong makasama pero bakit mahirap? Bakit ang daming hadlang? Bakit hindi pwede?" I cried a lot this time.

He made me stand up then pulled me closer to him. Nakaupo na ako ngayon sa kama niya at yakap niya ang bewang ko. Is it selfish to keep him kahit pa hindi pwede? I want to stay with him so bad.

Kung alam ko lang na magkakaganito sana ay hindi na ako nagmatigas pa. Sana ay sinunod ko na lang siya. Sana pinakinggan ko na lang lahat ng sinabi niya. Baka kung ganoon ang ginawa ko ay maayos pa ang lahat ngayon. Kung sana hindi ko pinairal ang kahinaan ko. Kung matatag lang sana ako kagaya ni Rafaelle, baka wala ako sa sitwasyong ito. Masaya sana ako at ang kasiyahan sana ang dahilan ng mga luhang ito.

"I don't know how to make a girl feel good." Rafaelle chuckled.

Nakuha pa niyang tumawa habang iyak ako nang iyak dito!

"We will get through this, Audrina. I strongly believe that we are for each other. Hindi mo man nakikita ngayon pero sasabihin ko na ikaw lang ang sa tingin kong karapat-dapat para sa akin. You are all what I have wished for. Don't give up just yet. May paraan pa para makaalis tayo rito. Just hold my hand, just hold me. As long as I know that you are into me, there's no reason to give up. I am not give up. You are worth it, Audrina." Inangat niya ang baba ko. Mata sa mata ang tinginan namin.

"I love you, my darling. I love you."

I was shocked but his kissed made me fly high.