I wake up to my alarm blaring at nine am. I didn't really need to be up yet so I began searching for the ends of my earbuds tangled up in my blankets.
I slip my earbuds in and close my eyes. My mind begins to wander free. As I lay there, I begin to imagine a time when I'm older and I've moved out, back home, and into my own house.

"Hey, Ash told me you're a bit lonely," Zack holds a bottle of sparkling Cider towards me.
I breathe a sigh of relief, no longer alone in this house. I lean forward and kiss his cheek.
"Come on in!" I take the bottle from his hand and lead the way to the kitchen, my bare feet making a comforting around on the cool ground.

I rest my head on his chest and fall asleep to the sound of his heartbeat.

That will never happen I groan inwardly, and I'm awful to hope that it will. He doesn't feel the same.

Half an hour goes by and I wake up to a second alarm. I turn the alarm off reluctantly, knowing I should get up eventually.
I shake away the dream and sit up on my bed. I sit there for a moment gripping the edge of my bed tightly.
I get up and go to my backpack to grab my notebook and start writing.

4-30-2021
I've been here since August and I still can't stop thinking about Zack. He has a girlfriend, I shouldn't be thinking like this anymore. I don't want to be that girl. I feel awful but I don't know what to do to change how I feel. Ugh

I put my journal back into my backpack, grabbing my phone off my bedside table before heading to the kitchen to look for something for breakfast. I was the only one home right now, with the twins having stayed the night at their friends house and my parents both at work.
Once in the kitchen I raid the cupboards and eventually grab one of two poppy seed muffins left.
I sit down to eat it in my usual chair and open my phone for the first time since waking up.

Zack: so guess who's single
Jake: rip
Ash: Oh damn

Though I know I shouldn't be happy, my face begins to stretch into a smile.

Me: oof dude

I set my phone down for a second to breath. I'm an awful friend for feeling like this. I close my eyes for a moment before I pick up my phone again.

Ash: hey

I bite my lip as I read the message Ash had sent me privately. I want to bring up Zack's breakup but it feels wrong to talk about.

Me: Hey
Ash: how are you doing?
Me: not too bad, just woke up a bit ago and I'm home alone
Ash: where are the twins?
Me: they're at their friends house
Ash: Oh, cool
Me: ye

I set my phone down on the table for a second, staring at the chat before picking it up again.

Me: you wanna call?
Ash: sure!!
Me: Cool, lemme finish this muffin then I'll call you
Ash: ok!

I quickly scarf down the rest of my muffin and throw away the wrapper and plastic wrap away. I hit the call button as I begin walking back to my room.

"Hey!" Ash exclaims, waving at the camera.
"Are you sitting on the floor?" I laugh, waving back.
"Yeah," Ash smiles awkwardly.
I walk into my room, closing the door behind me, and set my phone on the floor up against one of the legs of my bed, "then I will too."
"How are you doing?" Ash asks.
I can tell she's studying my face, even though it is on call.
"I'm good-" I break off guiltily, "dude I feel so wrong for being happy right now-"
"But you like him!" Ash objects.
"But he's my friend and he's probably sad! Even if it is cool for me, I don't want to see him sad!" I point out.
Ash shrugs, nodding a little, "that's fair."
We sit there talking for nearly three hours, talking about school and boys and life.
"I gotta go," Ash says, "my dad and I are going out for lunch! We're gonna get sushi!"
"Thats cool!" I smile, "have fun!" I wave.
"Bye!" Ash waves and hangs up the call.
And now what? I sigh.