Dear Lauren,

How's heaven? Is the moon shining as brightly there as it is here? I wish you could respond.

I'm so tired lately. I've already had a lot of tests and have to prepare for another one in science tomorrow. I had my math one today. I don't think I did well. I hope my grade doesn't go down again. My parents were upset enough when it was a 88.

My teacher's making us do IXL for a grade. She says it's supposed to help us, but all it's doing is making me feel frustrated and an ignoramos. That's a word I learned it English. It means idiot. I think it describes me pretty well.

I'm on question 25 yet I only have a 66. I have to get an 80 for my teacher to count it. I'm going to fail Algebra and my parents are going to be so disappointed. A B is failing in their eyes, just like orchestra.

The explanation for why I got the questions wrong don't even make sense. Take this one, for example.

2(x-9)+7=5(3+0.2)

And then when you multiply by ten to get whole numbers, this is what it tells you to get.

25(3x-18)+12=15(30+80)

Math is hard. I don't get it.

My brother and I were talking about climate change earlier. You're so lucky you're dead so you don't have to experience this. Crops are failing because of the drought, prices are rising, hurricanes are destroying, El Niño is now a La Niña year, and cities will be sinking in 2-3 decades. I think it's too late to turn back now. Climate change has gotten its grip on the world and won't let go till it's gone. I think in a few hundred years, Earth and Venus will be almost the exact same.

Sometimes death seems like the best option. I'm not pretty, I'm not smart, I'm not talented, so it's not like the world will suffer if I'm gone. I'll probably just die from the mosquito born viruses released from the ice caps anyways and not do anything important. It's hard to remember that there's people who'll actually miss me. I was talking to a friend about it one time and he said he'd be devastated if I died. I try to remember that whenever I feel like this.

Sometimes I imagine what would happen if I suddenly died. Would anyone be upset? Would they celebrate instead? Would anyone even care to show up to my funeral or whatever? Probably not.

Today someone tapped me on the shoulder during lunch and told me that this one guy nearby liked me. I know he was lying though because after that he said that his friend liked all of us, as in everyone sitting in my area of the table which had 5 of my friends, including me. It'd be nice if people stopped doing that. That's the third time it's happened to me. People think it's funny, but it's really not. It's annoying and embarrassing, depending on who you are in that situation.

Is this what my life is going to be like until I die? Misery, constant thoughts of death, never feeling good enough, sadness for the people that suffer far worse things, constant guilt?

Today I asked my friends if I looked like Dora the Explorer because people constantly made fun of me for it last year when I finally felt brave enough to cut it short. They said I did. Some friends they are.

I also lost the Earl of Sandwich. I'm sorry. I'm sorry for all the mistakes I've made. I'm sorry for any sadness I've made anyone else feel. I'm sorry for saying sorry so much. I'm sorry.