Dear Lauren,

You'll never guess what happened! A really cool older girl said she liked my outfit! I don't think I've even felt prettier in my entire life, even though all I'm wearing is my starry night tshirt with new dark green leggings and my signature mushroom necklace. The leggings are pretty cool, though. I think these are the first pair to have pockets that I own!

Is it bad I have to rely on other people saying I'm beautiful to feel like I am?

I got to help at my martial arts place today. It was really fun. One of the boys there is in a swim team my own team goes against every year, so that was cool. Another kid had to go sit outside because it was too loud and I went with him. He's a sweet kid. I see why teachers love their jobs most of the time. Sometimes it's just fun to talk to the kids and hear their view in the world.

We had picture day at our school. I wonder what you would look like if you took yours. You'd be pretty, no doubt about that. Probably a little bit more like your sister than when you died. Y'all look almost the same except she's older, taller, and it looks like she wears more makeup.

I was talking to one of my friends today and you were brought up. Did you know you're now thought as the Lauren who killed herself? Neither did I. It feels a little offensive in a way, like when people called me Dora the Explorer. Could they maybe at least pretend to be bothered by your death instead of bringing it up like it was no big deal?

At least you might have a friend up there. I finally found out why so many people were crying the other day. One of our science teachers, Mrs. Taylor, lost the battle against cancer. I don't know if you had here, but if you did could you comfort her? I imagine dying must be really hard at first.

It's like when Mrs. Trumble died, although I think less people were sad. I don't blame them, it's not like a bunch of people visit the library enough to get to know her well.

I don't like the new librarian much. I miss our old one. If only she could come back from the dead. Maybe on November 2nd we'll have our dear librarian for a little while.

You know, we used to do like this thing in Name That Book where for Christmas we would make or buy something that represented a book on the list and we'd have to guess what book it was from. I hope we do it again this year.

I'm thinking of maybe crocheting a foxtail keychain for everyone because Foxtail is one of the characters from Children of the Fox. Or maybe instead I'll do a little card with a drawing of a black bird on it with a quote from The Clackity. Or maybe I'll make little books for everyone to read to represent The Ogress and the Orphans. Or maybe I'll do something for The Last Cuentista. Who knows? The possibilities are endless.

I still remember what you did the first and last time we did it with Mrs. Trumble. She was too sick the next year to run the team. From her I got all this French, Japanese, and letter stuff to represent This Light Between Us. That story was sad. It was like it was foreshadowing something we weren't prepared for so never guessed it.

I was so sure and confident that she was going to get better, I needed her to get better, but she never did. She's like Halmoni in When You Trap A Tiger. I don't think I spelled halmoni right. I'm sure it'll be fine.

Some days I wish I could go back to when I was so innocent and free, before any of the death started to infect the people around me.

Will it ever get easier? I really hope Sam was right.