Dear Lauren,

I'm a horrible person who can't do anything right.

My mom keeps telling me to go to bed but it's only 10pm. I have to wake up early, though. If I don't get enough sleep, it's hard for me to get out of bed and stay awake until about 10 minutes. Then I can't fall asleep. It's the same thing for falling asleep early. Does it really make a difference if I get 7 hours of sleep versus 9?

I know I have insomnia and it'll never get better so why does it matter? Do I even matter?

Today in martial arts we were testing for our white stripe which I need to get to the next belt. Surprise, surprise, I failed.

On top of that, a girl I was sparring against hit me too hard and I ended up spending the rest of the match on the sidelines. The worst part was that she was a blue belt, I'm a brown belt.

I'm the highest ranking person that didn't pass. I'm horrible at it. The only thing I can do correctly is deliver a flying sidekick that could knock over a bag. I used to feel so powerful when I first did it, but now I'm seeing white belts do the same thing that took me years to learn.

I'm starting to think I should just stop going to classes. The only thing that's truly fun is helping the front desk. Everything else is torture, and, let's be honest, I'm probably not going to be able to earn my advanced brown belt.

I finished MAP testing for math today. I can't believe I only got a 240. I heard other people complaining about how they only got a 252 this time, and it annoys me. But, then again, isn't that exactly what I'm doing?

There are so many things I'm not good at. School, crocheting, swimming, sports, reading, being a nice person, languages, martial arts, art, orchestra, fashion, writing, space, and so much more.

I'm a horrible person. There are just people who irritate me to the core when they've done nothing wrong. Why do I find that girl in the wheelchair annoying? Sometimes I slip and say something mean to her. I hate how today she talked about how her sister gets angry when it's that time of the month. Yet she's done nothing wrong.

I hate how I do that to people, just find them unpleasant when they've done nothing to anyone but be a nice person. If anyone's the person to be annoyed at, it's me.

I'm too talkative, I'm too cheerful, I'm too depressing, I'm a know it all, I'm dumb to the point where it's irritating, I'm a hypocrite, I get weak at even the slightest amount of pain.

I almost cried when getting punched in the gut. I shouldn't have done that, everyone else is able to handle pain much greater than that. Why can't I do that? Why am I the person who gets all emotional and blue when my period comes? Why am I the one who finds the cramps almost unbearable? They're completely survivable to everyone else. It's not like mine are any worse, they're probably weaker considering they go away in a day or two.

I hate myself, I'll never be good enough. What's the point of trying anymore? What's the point of even living?