Dear Lauren,

Do I have depression?

I probably don't, but I feel so hopeless that it feels like I might. Life just seems to be getting worse and worse. I have to take a test just two days after I get back from school which is in a little bit more than a week. Traveling has taken its toll on me. Yesterday, I was up almost all night coughing my lungs out.

Today we had to go to church for Christmas Eve. We had just gotten back from San Antonio barely a minute before we had to get ready. So that meant me turning into a doll for my mom to play dress up with. You would not believe how many dresses I had to put on.

Service was even worse if that was possible. It was packed, so I had to sit with my brother while my mom and my dad sat in another section. Sadly, my mom could still see us, so she gave me the evil eyes until my brother elbowed me to stop reading.

I hate church. No matter which one I go to, I feel sick and get the inexplicable feeling that I should go jump off a cliff and die. They say God loves everyone. I think that's a lie because he clearly doesn't like me. Reading is my only escape from that horrid place, yet I'm not allowed to because Mom is determined to make a devoid Christian out of me yet.

I've tried. I've tried so hard to be her perfect daughter. I've tried seeking help from Christian hippies (don't tell them I call them that), I've tried staying awake in church, I've tried to earn perfect 100s in every single fucking class. I don't complain when they ignore me! I don't complain about when they forget about me! I've stopped bringing up that time when my mom left me in the fucking car at fucking 6 years old and left me to figure out how to get out of my car seat by myself for 30 minutes! 30 minutes where no one even noticed I was missing!

WHO DOESN'T COMPLAIN ABOUT HER FRIENDS CONSTANTLY HITTING HER ON THE HEAD WHILE THEY BEAT HER WITH A PLASTIC WATER BOTTLE BECAUSE SHE HIT THEM LIGHTLY ONCE?

WHO DOESN'T COMPLAIN WHEN HER BROTHER GETS EVERYTHING HE WANTS WHILE NO ONE REMEMBERS HIS SISTER?

WHO DOESN'T EVEN FLINCH WHEN HER OWN MOTHER MAKES FUN OF HER FOR LOOKING LIKE DORA THE FUCKING EXPLORER?

THAT'S RIGHT! I DON'T! DO YOU KNOW HOW MUCH I HAVE SUFFERED IN SILENCE? HOW MUCH I HAVE LIED TO MOM SO SHE DOESN'T HAVE TO WASTE MONEY ON ME? I SKIP MEALS SO SHE CAN HAVE MORE! I WORRY ABOUT ME NOT ENTERTAINING THE WRITING CONTEST AND FIGURE EVERYTHING OUT SO SHE DOESN'T HAVE TO!

IT'S TO FUCKING MUCH!

It's too much.