Dear Lauren,

Do I have depression? No, right? Yes? I don't know.

Sometimes I worry I do, but then remember my neighbor's mom and how I'm not nearly as bad as her, but it's different for everyone?

If I don't, it still doesn't change the fact that I've been crying a lot lately. I don't think I'm smart enough to be in such high up classes that I am. I'm stupid after all. I can't do basic math like radicals, square roots, I struggle with exponents, and I don't understand anything we're doing in algebra. I can't write paragraphs, identify rhetorical devices, or explain stuff in ways that I or other people will understand. I can't even spell that well! I'm not reading as much as I should. I only read 18 books, most of them really short. That's not good enough. Just look at R. She read 23 books, none of them as short as mine!

Will I ever be good enough? In orchestra, I'm the one who messes up everything. If there's a mistake, it probably came from me. People keep telling me that perfect people don't exist, but why can't I seem to get even the tiniest bit close to it? I need to be one of the best if not the best, so why am I always the worse? I will never be smart enough, strong enough, or good enough to be anything other than the scum of the earth.

I just want just one thing to be all about me. It may sound selfish because it is, but I want to be in the spotlight. Just notice me or look at me for once. I probably get a lot more attention from my parents than most people do, but I want more. Why can't I be selfless? I am the villain to every hero's story. Easily annoyed, quick to judge, always acting better than everyone else.

I want to be the best. Everything is my fault. I can't do anything. I do this all for attention. I just want to be a normal person, one that has morals and is actually good.

"I have been crying all night and it feels like I have no more tears left." -Game Changer

I am a burden. Words to describe me? Evil, sickening, arrogant, egotistical, hungry, selfish, vile, attention seeking, a wrench, wicked.

I once saw this thing where you put a certain colored heart emoji if it relates to you. I put 2 I think. I saw people who had them all. The only thing I remember putting, but it wasn't the only one, was the one that represented losing someone to suicide. That was you.

I don't have anxiety, depression, an eating disorder, or other stuff like that. I just lost you and have occasionally imagined how beautiful the future would look if I joined the flowers.

Every time I start to feel sad, worried, or stressed, I feel my lips trying to move into a smile. Is it odd that I always have a small smile on my face when I'm under tremendous pressure that makes me want to die?

I'm so expressive for my parents. It doesn't help that money is tight because they haven't paid money for the house in two months because no one told them that their mortgage company switched. Just think, what if they never had to worry about forgetting their quiet daughter who fails at everything she does. The daughter who is nothing but a waste of space. The daughter who is prettier with her mouth shut. No one ever likes it when I talk. They always tell me to shut up because no one cares.

I'm not a good enough bookworm. People read much more than me, and I'm not even enough on my own to read more than an entire class. Now everyone who was counting on me to win that pizza party is annoyed.

I'm not a good enough student. I'm failing practically all my subjects. If I don't finish this one assignment by tomorrow, then I'll have to take the test on Friday while everyone reads the play. If I miss the play, I might miss the part that will determine if I pass or fail the project we have on it. If I fail the project, then I'll fail this class. If I fail this class, then I won't be able to graduate. If I don't graduate, I won't make it into college. If I don't make it into college, then I won't find a good job. If I don't get a good job, then I won't make money. If I don't make money, I'll have to live on the streets where I'll die like the dirt I was born as. But I can't finish it by tomorrow because I don't understand it!

I'm not a good enough daughter. Here I am, crying in the bathroom while I should be outside in the living room doing my homework like my mom asked.

I can't do anything, Lauren. I'm worthless.