Dear Lauren,

I think I might have ruined Girl Scout cookie sales today.

All I did was throw the sign up into the air and spin it. People seemed to like it. Then the moms in charge moved me to the place where we're actually selling the cookies. There, I put the cash in the wrong place, my friend tried to fix it, more customers came so the moms practically pushed me out behind the booth because I was getting in my friend's space even though I was just panicking in the corner away from her, ask some people who were waiting to order if they wanted to buy cookies, tried to help them, and then proceeded to get in trouble because I didn't see the man who had to pick out the cookies on his own and then give the money to one of the moms.

If that weren't enough, I had trouble logging into the cookie app. I forgot to do it before I came to the booth, so then they started shouting at me for being on my phone and then lecturing me on how I should have done it at home because now it looked like I was one of those typical teenagers that was always on their phone after I told them I was trying to log into the app. It wouldn't let me, so I tried asking them if it was the right one because I thought we had a troop password. That resulted in everyone yelling at me and me trying not to cry. Obviously that failed, and I ended up making them feel like terrible people.

I don't get why I can't do anything or why I have to cry about everything. I can't crochet, play cello, do math, write, follow basic instructions, act like a normal person, be selfless, hear right, see stuff without glasses, or just anything anybody should do.

I cry and get upset at the slightest things. People get upset or disappointed in me? I cry. I fail a test? I cry. People say I should be quiet? I cry. Someone says I should stop apologizing for everything? I cry. I can't do anything without getting sad.

Sometimes when I'm having a bad day, I'll say I feel tired and kinda depressed (in this context as a stronger adjective for sad). Apparently, I'm not allowed to say I feel depressed because I don't have depression. Whenever I think of saying I feel depressed, I get sad.

Other people go through so much more than me, and they can handle it. I once heard this story of a person who almost drowned when they went on a trip to the beach, but this husband of her mom's coworker saved her life. Shortly afterwards, that guy who saved her life died from a heart attack, so she has had to live with that trama since they were eleven. After hearing something like that, I definitely shouldn't say I feel depressed. She can use that word. She lived through something so terrible, and is still here today. I can't do that. I don't deserve to say I feel depressed.

I have it so easy. Their are people out their with actual mental issues, living on the streets without a place to call home. They can use words like depressed. I can't. What have I done to say that I have a right to use that word? Nothing. I live a perfectly ordinary existence. There's nothing special about me.

I do okay in school. Barely scraping by with 90s. I write terrible stories, same as some other people. I am apart of the second biggest race in the US. I live in the second most populated state. I play an instrument. I'm probably only bisexual because of peer pressure. On this app, with the people I talk to, it's weird to be straight along with my main friend group.

What have I done to be different? Nothing. Nothing at all. Crochet? Tell that to literally hundreds of people who also crochet and are much better at it than me despite them doing it only for a few mere weeks. What else? Wanted to be an astronaut? Do you know how many people went to space last year? 31. What have I done?

Nothing. That's all. Nothing.

I've done nothing but waste people's time and money.