Dear Lauren,

I hate myself. I hate how emotional I act whenever I'm on my period. I hate how much special treatment I need to function when I'm on it when I don't feel in pain enough to need it. I hate how I can't use any allergy medicine until my allergy test despite how I can't breathe through my nose. I hate how I can't tolerate spicy food. I hate how I can't speak Spanish. I hate how I'm not Hispanic enough. I hate how I still act like a child. I hate how much I procrastinate.

My birthday may have been a month ago, but I still haven't had a party or even sent out invitations. I had a talk about it with my mom tonight since I've been trying to see if the date and time I picked out 2 weeks ago was good, but she said I might not be able to have one. She then pointed out how only one other of my friends had bothered to even plan one. I've been so excited about this one too. Usually they're just a pool party without any theme, but this year we were going to play Hearts, have a tea party, watch Alice in Wonderland, and make our own flower pens and paint the flower part red. It was going to be creative and fun. I've been planning this since the beginning of June, yet I don't think I'll be able to have it at all.

I didn't think it was unusual to have parties until your quinceañera or sweet 16. Actually, it'd be kinda weird to stop having parties and then randomly invite all your friends to a big giant one. At least, that's what I thought. I wish I knew this sooner so I didn't look like such a pathetic child as I planned out my party in front of my friends. It's my last chance to have a normal birthday party like this. My last chance to have an Alice in Wonderland party with a small group of friends.

It was wrong of me to get excited. It's a lame idea anyways. I know 7 year olds who don't have parties so why should I? After all, I have to start planning for my quinceañera soon. Might as well start trying to transition to women hood so I don't forget to plan that out either. Why can't I not procrastinate? Everyone tells me I just need to try harder and then I won't. Why can't I try harder?

You may have died, but at least you weren't as fragile to fall apart at not having a birthday party.