Sorry this one may be kinda long since it's my first, there's a lot so buckle up.
So to understand somethings I'll inevitably talk about on here is a bit about myself to preface all my stories/rants. I'm a freshman high school student at a very competitive high school, I'm bisexual and single, school is important to me but I do other stuff, and I play soccer. That's just like a short list of random things I could think of.

So sorry if this is too serious or too political but I can get a bit political and if you don't like that just skip this part. So with the recent gun violence I've stared taking a bigger stand for things I believe in. So I started my research and started my letter to senators and congressmen. (Yes this is what I spend my time doing) and my friend did the same. He is conservative and I'm liberal and we argue a lot but we're still friends (and he's also my ex boyfriend so there's that). It's kind of annoying because it's so tiring to try to make my point heard and we both have statistic and research. We're both debate students so we're trained on how to sit this well so no one ever "wins" our arguments. But with this it's different, we both want reform but disagree on how. And it's exhausting knowing if I can't convince one friend how can we change gun control for an entire county.

So moving past that cause politics are depressing is my depressing school. So my school is insane. We joke that we pray to the GPA gods every night for good grades, study our asses off, and take all AP classes. Although there are some kids who don't fall into this, most due. And we recently got class ranks. So there is 701 kids in my grade that I complete with and I rank 134, which is top 19%. And I'm not trying to brag but make a point. I thought this was great, I can improve it and I'll get a great rank by senior year. But as I talk to others they tell me how it's bad, or how I can work on it. It's terrible to know I got to a school where even top 10% kids talk about how they need to do better. We have freshman taking calculus and all AP classes and it's so much. I do m best but to some extent I can't complete, and I too have fallen into thinking that my rank is not good enough. On top of that some of m grades have been slipping into the 80's and it's hard because I know my friends are doing better than me but a lot of them don't try or don't put in the insane effort I do. I know they have other things as well but some things they complain about are so trivial and I feel like I can't complain/rant because they won't get it. I feel into a dark place in middle school but I've crawled out of it. I never really told anyone about it or what happened or anything, but some days, like when I look at grades, I can feel myself slipping back. Or that I'm up so late sometimes and I have a medication for a kidney disease to take before bed but some days I miss it because I'm not supposed to take it too late and I'm going to bed at 3 am from homework and cause I was at soccer and I'll miss like 4 times in a row. It's so unhealthy but I feel like I can't tell anyone cause they won't understand. I used to feel like I was the strong one people came to and stuff but now I can't take when people complain about their trivial issues like 'omg I hate cheer'. My responses just became 'well that's what you signed up for'. And it's harsh and I need to stop, and I need to stop getting upset with politics and yelling at people. I feel almost like this school and the GPA and grade craze just made me so irritable and I feel like I've lost all of my personality to studying.

So that was not fun so I'm going to talk about something else now. My moms birthday is coming up and I'm so happy and I love her so much. A lot of my extended family is coming to visit us which is great, but the focus won't just be on my mom (which it should be since it's her birthday) but my sister as well. I feel so put to the side, I barley see my parents because there always looking at colleges for my sister or working on something for her. And now with he family coming in all they ever talk about are her college visits and where she'll go. I try to talk about this cool thing I'm learning about and no one cares. No one in my family really listens to me anymore and I feel so neglected. I can't even talk to them about it. My dad is out of town most of the time so I'm used to that, but I can't talk to my mom anymore and I miss her. And all my sister ever talks about is college and I can't contribute to these conversations so I just stay silent the whole time, hoping they'll listen to my funny story or something. And with my family coming down I won't have as much time to do homework and I have a bunch of tests coming up in my AP classes and I'm stressed and they're like 'relax, let's go o the mall' they don't get I don't have time and it's frustrating. 'We don't ever see you and all you're doing is homework.' Like what do they want me to do.

And lastly I feel like friend drama is more entertaining than any of my rants and so here's that. So I'm bisexual but confused. I think I like this girl and I know she's gay but I don't think she likes me that way and it's hard to tell. She's in debate with me and I always have such a nice time with her but we're not that close. There's also this cute guy but we go to different schools and he vapes (which I guess is fine but I can't/don't personally) but he seems nice and idk about that either. And with no one to really have at home I get lonely and my friends tell me to get over it since I broke up with my boyfriend. But all because I broke up with him doesn't mean I can't be lonely that I don't have anyone. Especially when my best friend and her boyfriend are cuddling and all that. Like they're cute but it's a lot and makes me feel bad when I don't have anyone. I get the comment you're a strong girl though and you don't need anyone. Like yeah but it'd be nice to have someone to be sweet with, who liked me and all that. Especially after my last crush told me about how he love my best friend. We're close friends so he confided in me and it made me feel terrible when he's like oh yeah she's great and I'm like cool but I like you. She always like go talk to him, or like for our formal dance she told me to ask him but it's so weird when I know he likes her. And with me being bisexual it's so odd cause my friends only ever talk about guys. Like I get it you're straight and guys can be great but if I try to talk about a girl like that I just feel awkward. Everyone's like but I couldn't see you with a girl, and not too many people know I'm bisexual since I've only had a couple boyfriends. I feel invalidated. Like I'm trying to be bi and they push me away (if that makes any sense).

So I'm think that's all for right now, if you have advice or questions leave a comment and I'm sorry that wan just a giant rant page, it felt nice, and I promise it won't all be depressing stuff.

—cat