Cold. 

So cold. 

That was the solitary thought in my chest as I plummeted downwards. The wind ferociously slapping my skin, icicles piercing every inch of my body as terror took hold of all my rationality. 

Terrified of the inky black monster below me with its mouth wide open to engulf my very existence. 

I shut my eyes, unable to scream or react in any other way as I waited inevitably for the impact of the icy water. I couldn't really plan, couldn't really think. If Ace was truly in trouble here, how was I going to find him? There was no way I could see anything in this inky shroud. 

And for the first time in the seventeen years on this earth, I realized I had acted on something without thinking at all. Much like the person I had fallen in love with so unforgivably. 

The impact of the water seemed to shatter my soul, the bone-chilling cold piercing like knives through my skin. Icy shards shattering my chest like bullets through its victim. The cold was terrifying, the darkness suffocating. And yet, the thought of Ace didn't fade even in comparison to the fiendish darkness. I had to find him. I had promised him I would. Always.

I opened my eyes, my throat closing up at the oblivion around me. Shadows and darkness so impenetrable I couldn't imagine any light strong enough to tear it. My breath would soon run out and I tried to keep myself afloat and make my way back up to the surface. Maybe it would be easier to find him. 

But it was too dark. 

The air seemed to be running out much quicker than I expected, my chest fit to burst. My arms and limbs seemed paralyzed by the crippling fear. 

Ace. Where was he?

I couldn't call for him, I couldn't see him. I couldn't find him. 

No way he would leave just like this. No way I wouldn't find him. I just had to look harder. 

My chest gave up on the last remnant of air and I made pathetic attempts to make my way upwards, or what I assumed was upwards, hoping I could break out the surface soon. But the darkness overpowered me. 

My throat closed up and my mouth opened against the salty water in a heaving gasp, my lungs immediately burning in pain from the salinity.  My vision seemed to darken impossibly as the ruthless waves crashed around me. Desperation clawed my insides. If this was a nightmare why wasn't I awake yet?

My thoughts faded into oblivion, my brain suddenly empty of every feeling. My body too exhausted to go on. I strained my eyes against the darkness, my heart breaking into a million pieces as I kept searching for him. 

I seemed to float timelessly for a few moments before I felt something grab me. And even though my haze, even though the brink of annihilation, even in the profound darkness, I recognized his touch. 

I felt myself being pulled away and against the water before my head broke through the water and I heaved loudly, gasping for precious air. 

My eyes, chest, throat, all burned with intensity, but I managed to hold on to my anchor. 

"What the fuck is wrong with you?" his voice spoke.

I was quiet, my teeth chattering as I gasped in more air, as if afraid I'd never get enough. 

"Milo! Are you fucking stupid?" 

I shivered violently, struggling to keep my legs cycling so I was afloat as I gazed at Ace. His eyes were wide and bloodshot, his hair matted on his forehead as he stared at me.

"Wh-what?" I shuddered. "Y-you...you j- j-jump-"

"So you fucking jumped? You can't fucking swim," he said, his teeth impressively not chattering. 

"S-so? W-what do-do I do? Ju-just let you f-fucking d-d-die?"

"Yes," he said. "You...I told you you need to stop setting so much store by me."

Something about his words was so selfish. So cruel. 

"Then why didn't you?" I said. "Why do you set so much store by me when you don't want me to do that for you?"

He was quiet, his lips slightly parted as he stared at me. 

"You're so fucking selfish, you fucking-" I was barely aware of what I was doing, grateful that he was back with me. Too grateful to see anything else. To see how messed up he really was. To see how messed up I really was. I grabbed his face and kissed him, putting all the unsaid words into the action. "Can you j-just ge-get over your-self? P-please? You k-keep saying that y-you love me, and you want me to fucking w-watch you d-die? If you r-really l-love me, why would you want me to go through that?"

He was quiet, his eyes fixed on me. 

"I...I....I-pr-promised I w-would find you, Ace. And I-I kept my pr-promise," I whispered hoarsely, my throat croaky. "B-but you...you told me you'd never leave me. Th-then w-why?"

His mouth met mine again and I kissed him back eagerly, my heart hammering as the chill around us dissipated in a tiny spark of passion. He held me tightly, as if he was as afraid of losing me as I was of him. 

"I...I'm sorry," he whispered against my lips, leaning his forehead against mine. "I'm...so sorry."

"F-fuck you A-Archer Wilde," I whispered back. "You're so fucking screwed up."

He scoffed, smiling sadly. "That's true."

"You're so much fucking trouble," I rambled on. 

"Yes," he answered. 

"And I love you so fucking much," I whispered, my chest constricting in anguish. 

"I know," he whispered. "You're better at it than I am."

"I don't know what the fuck you mean," I said, leaning back to look at him. 

"I love you too," he answered simply, leaning in to kiss me again. 

Our mouths met hungrily, with an urgency I had never felt before. Our tongues entangled hotly together before I broke the kiss, gasping for air and shivering. 

"I'm f-freezing," I said. 

"Yeah," he whispered back. "Come with me."

It took us a while to drag ourselves back to the rocks, the solid land a heavenly assurance to my trembling body. I was glad that it had stopped raining, although the cold was still as malicious as it was before. 

I was silent all the back home, surprised by my own decision to simply abandon my car and leaving it parked near the cliff. It wasn't until we were only a block away that I realized that he had brought me back to his place instead of mine. He stopped the car and sighed, turning to look at me.  "Stay with me tonight."

I gazed at him and nodded, reaching almost instinctively for his hand. "Okay."

We stepped out of the car and chill ran down my back as the cold breeze greeted me. He led me inside his home and I waited impatiently as he unlocked the door. Once I was inside the warmth of the house, I let out a sharp breath, goosebumps erupting on my skin. 

We made our way upstairs to his room through the dark hallway and I wondered silently if Celia and Allie were at Dave's place in the city. I didn't ask, however, eager to get some warmth instead. Once we were inside his room, he switched the lights on and turned around, finally throwing his features into detail. 

My heart seemed to rampage when I saw him, an agony I couldn't understand ripping through my chest. Or perhaps I did. The agony that stemmed from the fear that perhaps, I wouldn't get to see him. That perhaps I had lost him. The excruciating hours that I hadn't known him. 

And I realized I never wanted to experience that again. It was too cruel, and I wasn't strong enough. 

He walked closer to me and leaned in. I held my breath as our lips met in a warm embrace. 

"Come with me, Miles," he whispered, his hot breath a scintillating contrast on my cold skin. He grasped my hand and led me into the bathroom, turning the shower on. I stood still for a while, my heart in my throat as he undressed, discarding his drenched clothes unceremoniously on the floor. 

I knew whatever had happened had serious implications. His trauma from his father's death, the rapid changes and his Stargardt's was much greater than he was expressing. Maybe when he would listen, I could urge him to seek help. To help him recover from whatever was plaguing him. And to let him know that through everything, I will always be there. 

But for now, I wanted to live in the moment. 

I averted his gaze and undressed quickly, relieved as the uncomfortably wet clothes that clung to my skin finally gave way. He took a few steps back and stood under the shower, the steam rising around him and warming me slowly as I walked over to him, joining him under the comforting drops of water. 

I heaved a sigh of relief, the warmth slowly spreading through my skin as the shower drenched us both. My skin seemed to regain some life, the numbness in my fingers less damning. 

"You finally said it," he said softly. I glanced up at him, wondering what he meant as he smirked and lifted a hand to gently touch my cheek. "You said you love me."

"Like you didn't know," I scoffed, my own cheeks burning as realization slowly dawned on me. 

He chuckled. "I did, but it was still nice."

"Okay," I answered. 

He leaned forward, his hand grabbing me close as our mouths met again in a fiery kiss. His tongue reached out to trace my bottom lip and all my overwhelming feelings crashed over me. Desire I had never felt, desperation, hunger, need, all of it a catatonic swirl in my stomach as I kissed him back. 

We held onto each other, breathless. 

"I knew you would...be there," he whispered softly as I traced my mouth along his jaw and to his ear nibbling gently, his intoxicating scent making everything else fade. "You...always are."

"To save your ass," I whispered back. "It's exhausting. But..."

"But?"

"You're...worth it."

His hands reached the back of my head, his fingers knotting in my hair as I trailed my mouth down to his neck, sucking hungrily. He gasped softly, making the animal inside me rear with lust. The water seemed to get steadily hotter, but nonetheless fading in comparison to the fire burning between us. 

The kiss broke and he touched his forehead to mine, both of us panting. "Bed," he whispered. 

I nodded as we clumsily made our way out of the shower, still dripping with water but too engrossed to think rationally as I pushed him onto the bed and climbed on top. "Your...mattress..." I managed to speak between his hungry kisses. "It's...going to be...wet..."

"Shut up," he whispered back. 

"You're rude," I said. 

I expected him to retort, say something over smart like he always did. Instead, he laughed. 

It was so strange. Surreal. The honest, open, short-lived but genuine laugh. It was pure somehow, and seemed to do something to me that I couldn't quite explain. My chest seemed to swell in response to the heavenly sound. It sounded like joy. Like true happiness. Both of his, as well as my own. 

All thoughts left my mind as I kissed him, relishing every inch of his skin, every hitch of his breath, every moan from his lips. I trailed kisses lower down his body till he gasped aloud. I dipped my head between his legs, taking in every inch of him in my mouth, letting my tongue caress his feverish skin. 

"Fuck...Miles..." he whispered breathlessly, straining under my touch. Our hands met, our fingers entwining together. I trailed my mouth back to his again as he kissed me deeply. 

He leaned back, reaching for the bedside drawer as he spoke softly. "We might have to throw it away anyway."

"Huh?" I asked stupidly as he smiled.

"The mattress."

"Oh," I said as he pulled out the familiar bottle. He uncapped it and started to pour it into his hand before I stopped him. "Wait."

He stopped at once, his eyebrows slightly furrowed as he gazed at me. "It's okay if you don't want to."

"No," I answered, my face burning. "I...I do. Let...me."

"Oh. Oh." His eyes widened as he realized what I meant and before I could have second thoughts about it, I reached for the bottle and instead poured the glistening liquid on him. 

He bit his lip, waiting patiently for me as I straddled him. 

"I love you," I whispered softly. The surety of the words, the obviousness, the strange weakness and  paradoxical strength- all of it forming an intoxicating blend. Like a truth I had known since forever, like a feeling so deeply ingrained that I was unable to extricate it enough to distinguish it for what it was. For what it had always been.

"I love you too," he said, slowly entering me.

I bit my lip, shutting my eyes at the unfamiliar feeling. He froze for a second, waiting for me. I nodded at him and he let out a short sigh before burying deeper. 

"Fuck!" I cursed at he sharp, unexpected sting and heavily contrasting pleasure that rippled through me. My vision was hazy for a few seconds before he moved his hips slowly. 

"Are you okay?" he whispered. 

"Yeah," I nodded. "I'm...okay."

He bit his lip and nodded, placing a hand on my face. "You can go slow if you want."

"Yeah," I answered, leaning over him. "Okay."

I buried my face in the crook of his neck, my fingernails digging into his chest as I slowly adjusted. I nuzzled against his warmth, my heart welling with emotions I couldn't name. 

I took in deep breaths of his intoxicating scent, slowly realizing that maybe he had been right. Maybe this was the love I deserved. Maybe I did think too little of me. But maybe it was okay, because I had him. To constantly remind me of what I truly deserved. 

I wasn't sure if it was the unexpected pain; psychical and emotional; the relief and comfort of finding Ace again or the agonizing knowledge that he had wanted to leave me, but before I knew what was happening, my throat choked up with tears. 

He froze as my tears rolled down my face and onto his flushed skin. He stroked my back gently. "Miles, did I hurt you?"

"No," I lied. "Just...I...I was wrong, Ace."

"About...what?" 

I leaned back from him, biting my lip to keep it from trembling as tears started profusely running down my face. I was embarrassed but way too broken to stop them. He seemed stricken, a dark shadow passing behind the azure I loved so much as I answered, "When I said that....people saying they can't live...without a certain person. I told you it was bullshit. But I'm the biggest fucking hypocrite in the world because I can't even imagine not having you, Ace."

He was quiet, studying me intently as I rambled on, wiping my tears pathetically.

"I'll...I'll survive. I...I won't...ever...be happy. I can't...I just can't. I can't. I fucking can't-"

"You won't have to. Okay?" he whispered, cutting me off as I sniffled loudly. "I promise."

"You did...before. You...you lied," I said, shocked by how much like a whining child I sounded. 

"As did you," he answered. "Call it even?"

I wiped my nose again. "I'm gross."

He laughed loudly, his eyes twinkling in the way I knew them to. "Sometimes, yeah."

"Okay. Thanks," I mumbled as he laughed some more and reached for me, pulling me flush against his chest. 

"Nothing will ever be enough to not make me love you, Miles. No matter what you do. No matter what happens," he smiled ruefully. "It's kind of worrying but I'm far too gone for that."

"Okay," I answered lamely, my heart slowly warming in a surreal way. 

"You keep saying that," he giggled. 

"Okay," I answered again. 

"Okay," he repeated.

I pursed my lips and gently stroked his bottom lip, feeling at home for once. Where I didn't have to worry about being too fat, being too thin, too tall, too short, too smart, too dumb, or ever try too hard. Where I could just be me, no judgement, no conditions. 

Unafraid. 

I leaned into him, our breaths morphing into each other naturally.

And just like that, we dissolved into our own moment of shared bliss, forgetting the world outside and drowning into each other. Each touch, each kiss, a nudge towards paradise. Pushing me over again and again till the night finally gave way to the blissful dawn. 

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Apologies for the extreme worry possibly put you guys through. I do have a flair for the dramatic, as does Ace apparently. 

As you can tell, this story is very near its end. A resolution still awaits. 

Fun fact or whatever you call about these chapters, I'm listening to some very specific songs when writing. To those of you who write/read, do you like music for that as well? 

This was a very emotional chapter for me. A lot of them are, but a lot of Miles' feelings here are my own. Or have been, during a certain time in my life. Is it better to find that home in a person and then lose it, or to never find it at all?

Thanks for reading!