Title: Forever My Lovely

author: laney1728

description: 

Chained up, hungry, cold, and wet from the tears that won't stop spilling from her eyes. Just two days ago Ava was a typical high school student. Two days ago she was happy, two days ago she could hear sounds other than the gut wrenching scream of her fellow prisoner. Whoever her captor is, refuses to harm her, but he has no problem beating Henry. It all happened so fast, in an instant she disappeared without a trace. She barely got the chance to make something of her life, but is it already too late? Will she be found before she loses hope?

title/cover:

title: love it. it's creepy and enthralling, just the way it should be.

score: 5/5

cover: 

same goes for the cover. the picture of the girl in a dark room alone sitting in a chair... that is creepy. and very fitting for the story. the subtitle: how much more can she take? is also chilling. one thing i'd suggest is making the title itself a little brighter/more contrasting so that it stands out more!

score: 4/5

total: 9/10

summary/hook:

summary: oooh right away, this story is revealed to be dark and scary. i felt scared for Ava just from reading the summary and am interested to know who her captor is and what they want. Henry is another character whose name is thrown into the summary, so i'd suggest maybe adding a sentence about him as well. otherwise, it'll seem out of place. there are a lot of commas here and there that can be either replaced with semicolons or broken up into different sentences. for example, in "it all happened so fast, in an instant she disappeared without a trace" the comma can be replaced with a semicolon just so that it's both technically correct and it flows better. 

score: 3/5

hook: 

"Ava honey it's time to get up! I don't want you to be late for school." Her mother shouted up the staircase. 

i see this opening in a lot of stories that feature a high schooler as the MC. for how interesting this story seemed from the summary, this beginning can definitely be changed so that it draws the reader in. maybe the author can even consider an opening scene of Ava in the room that she's locked up in, describing what she sees and her terror and misery. this would set the mood for the story.

following the opening sentence are paragraphs about Ava, who she is, what kind of classes she takes, her boyfriend, and her school life, which seemed like some info-dumping. these could be taken out and scattered here and there in other appropriate places throughout the chapter. that being said, it's nice to get an insight on Ava. the author presents her as a relatable character, so i just know it will be emotionally painful to read about her fate. 

score: 3/5

total score: 6/10

grammar/flow:

I did see some spelling and grammar mistakes, but nothing that can't be fixed with some editing. the author's descriptions are strong and give us a vivid image of each scene.

what I can suggest is changing up syntax a little bit. when several consecutive sentences and paragraphs begin with the same word, for example, "She," it can really break the flow and become monotonous. varying sentence structures can help alleviate this.

another thing I noticed is that the paragraphs, at times, are very long. breaking them up would make it be easier to read.

some sentences need to be revised so that they're no longer run-on sentences, and others are fragments. a quick editing job can fix this.

score: 6/10

characters:

because this is a short story featuring five chapters and an epilogue, character development is understandably limited.

that being said, the main character, Ava, is portrayed as being scared and timid at first, but at the end of the story she becomes fierce and gets herself away from her prisoner. it was nice watching her become strong and save herself.

Henry's character is a bit vague in the beginning, but his character is deepened within the last two chapters. his motive, background, and mindset are all revealed, making for a thrilling ending.

at the beginning of the story, there is so much information given about Ava that isn't entirely relevant to the plot. it was introduced right away, and since the story is so short, I suggest limiting her background to what is relevant to the plot.

the author does a great job of making us feel love/hatred towards particular characters. dialogue is very strong, but sometimes lacking emotional description.

score: 6/10

plot:

I was definitely not expecting that plot twist the author threw in there, which was very thrilling, so well done on that.

however, there were small discrepancies and plot holes that I noticed. if henry is the captor all along, how did he end up beat up so badly, with broken ribs, a dislocated shoulder, and a broken leg? it doesn't really fit, so I suggest creating a backstory for that.

three chapters into the story and the characters profess their love for each other. the problem that I found with this is that there isn't much depth to their connection. at least not from what is revealed to us as readers. what should be a dark and miserable time in a cellar is portrayed as being light, with casual conversation. the two don't even have many conversations before they end up admitting their feelings for one another and sleeping together.

it would be nice to maybe see more of their interactions before the said moment. the author shows us their light and humorous conversations, but never anything about the dreariness of the situation.

some more plot holes I noticed:
if henry is the captor all along, how did he get food for himself and Ava without her noticing?

did Ava not notice that everytime he was gone, the captor would show up?

these issues should be addressed, because they can confuse the reader.

at the end of the story, when Ava delivers her and Henry's child, it's a little hard to believe that she has absolutely no regrets or resentment towards her daughter. in situations like these, the child is often times a reminder of the torture that the victim faced, yet Ava is shown as being completely content with having Henry's daughter.

at the end of the story, Ava is shown as being a strong character with full intentions to carry on her life. it's nice to see her pursue her dreams and even dive back into the dating scene, yet I was wondering why she chooses to date the same boy who was a jerk to her before.

score: 5/10

all in all, this story is easy to follow and a thrilling read. the plot is very interesting and captivating, but just needs to be polished. with some editing and a closer look at the characters and the dynamics of the plot, the author can greatly improve the quality of this book. I enjoyed the read and recommend this story to any readers who enjoy psychological thrillers!