╔═══*.·❀✧ ♞ ✧❀·.*═══╗

〚 cisgender. she / her. 〛

〚 fawn ticked tabby with large ears and faded green eyes. 〛

〚 diffident. spiteful. cynical. fierce. rude. resentful. capricious. defiant. acts rashly in weakness. craves approval. pessimistic. usually mistrustful. responsible. 〛

〚 no unusable names. 〛

【 remember not to get too close to stars; they're never gonna give you love like ours. 】

╚═══*.·❀✧ ♞ ✧❀·.*═══╝

❝ story ❞

"again, coniferpaw!"

coniferpaw crouched low to the ground, frustration pulling her lips back in a snarl. opposite the training field, mackerelpaw copied her stance, his expression calm. coniferpaw was certain that he was already calculating her next move. at the edge of the clearing stood galepelt and minkpath, the latter of whom shot windpaw a quick, exasperated glare.

"you need to be more agile to make up for your size. you can't become a warrior if you can't even win a one-on-one battle!"

"i'm sure that coniferpaw is trying her best," minkpath murmured mildly, trying to placate galepelt. but his blue eyes were fixed on his own apprentice. coniferpaw couldn't mistake the pride that glittered there. it was a feeling that her own mentor never expressed, and something that she'd been trying to glean from him for the past four moons, but never had she succeeded.

galepelt had always been harsh to her. perhaps it was just his personality... still, coniferpaw worried that there was another reason why galepelt always seemed dissatisfied. in fact, it probably wasn't him; hornetstar would never have chosen him as her mentor if she thought he wasn't ready for an apprentice.

growling, coniferpaw launched herself at mackerelpaw. the tom easily dodged her lunge, and coniferpaw almost crashed into the ground, thrusting out her forepaws to stop herself from planting her muzzle into the soft earth. mackerelpaw quickly landed a soft blow on coniferpaw's flank and darted away.

"i've seen enough!" galepelt's yowl stopped the two apprentices, and the two stared at him with their eyes wide. "coniferpaw, you should try to be more like your brother. don't act so rashly, and try to think of how your opponent will move!" galepelt looked sideways at minkpath, a scowl darkening his expression.

minkpath shot galepelt a glare and waved his feathery tail to dismiss the apprentices. "the two of you can take the rest of the day off."

but coniferpaw didn't move. instead, her sour frown stayed on galepelt as the tom turned his back, automatically expecting her to follow. because why shouldn't i follow him? he's my mentor, and it's not like he's been very harsh or strict or overall just a happiness leech.

"yo, coniferpaw."

mackerelpaw nudged coniferpaw with a huge blue forepaw. "you'd better follow us before they come back and scold you for sulking here."

"i'm not sulking. i'm just sick of galepelt." coniferpaw scowled deeper at her brother. "wow, my apprentice is such a hopeless bee-brain! why don't i bully her for it?"

"i mean... he's got good criticism. he's just bad at showing it." mackerelpaw backed away. "are you coming back or not? you still need to eat."

"you can't defend him against me! i'm your sister!" coniferpaw batted a paw at mackerelpaw, but there was barely any force behind the blow. "come on, mackerelpaw, you know you can't possibly understand my situation." coniferpaw lowered her voice. "your mentor is actually nice."

"well, i do what he says, and i improve." mackerelpaw headed after minkpath, and reluctantly, coniferpaw followed.

"maybe you should act a little more like me."

***

"or at least, that's what he says. why should i have to be prim and proper just to not have my mentor be short with me all the time? mackerelpaw thinks he's so perfect. well, guess what, fox-heart! i was more patient at first!"

"i mean, i'm not saying either of you are right or wrong yet," eucalyptusbounce mumbled through a mouthful of trout. "but i think both of you would be better off if you could see things from each other's perspective.

eucalyptusbounce's light yellow-green gaze pierced coniferpaw's, and the latter ducked her head and pretended to eat her sterlet, ignoring her fur prickling with heat. she took a bite of the fish. it tasted bland.

"i think that galepelt is just plain bad at mentoring, judging purely from what you've told me. but don't get mad at mackerelpaw just because he got lucky with minkpath."

but that doesn't make me feel any better.

"well, how am i supposed to deal with it for two more moons? and that's assuming i pass my assessment." coniferpaw's words must've sounded harsher than she'd intended, because eucalyptusbounce's fur started to bristle. "i- okay... look." coniferpaw began to fumble over her words. "i've never talked back to galepelt once. i always try to follow his instructions, but he keeps making it feel like i can never get it right. now it's like, i don't even know if the problem is his, or mine, or both." coniferpaw's meow dipped in and out of a snarl. just the mere thought of her excuse of a mentor made her want to drown herself in the river. because he doesn't have the right to make me feel worthless.

"he should at least commend you for trying." eucalyptusbounce quickly gulped down the rest of their fish.

"no, but that would make me feel worse. 'oh, you tried your best, but unfortunately, your best wasn't enough.'" coniferpaw scoffed and flexed her foreclaws into the ground. "great starclan, i might gag."

"do you always think like this?"

"you've known me since you were an apprentice too. you know the answer to that question." coniferpaw shook her fur out and yawned. "just leave me to be bitter towards everyone and everything at once."

"what about me?"

coniferpaw stopped and looked eucalyptusbounce in the eye. "hmm... well," coniferpaw mused, "you get me. you can stay."

coniferpaw flashed eucalyptusbounce a sly grin, expecting her friend to laugh. but to her surprise, the brown classic tabby returned coniferpaw's grin with a genuine smile, and suddenly her whole body went tense, and she shivered, but not from fear or cold or any of that. her claws shot in and out as the feeling strengthened, but she couldn't really place why.

still, the worm in her stomach turned from confusion over eucalyptusbounce to resentment over galepelt again. seems she had an endless supply of negativity towards her mentor. and soon, that negativity latched onto her own faults: everything that galepelt said hadn't been a lie. she had enough dignity to admit that just because she hated someone didn't make their opinions insignificant. she just hated that she still cared about what galepelt said. no, it wasn't that she cared about what he said, but rather she cared that he was piling onto what she already knew was true. why did she care?

but i guess it doesn't matter if those things didn't exist, coniferpaw's voice sneered in her mind. i might have to train a little harder just to get galepelt to shut up. he's done nothing for me.

'cause the things he says are true even when he's not around to rub it in.

***

coniferpaw stared into the river, searching for that flicker of a shadow that signalled for another dive. it wasn't hunger or order that drove her here. she tensed as she thought a glimmer of silver scales touched the water's surface. it was the thrill of the hunt, and anticipation of the soft flesh in her jaws, and the rush of triumph that she so rarely tasted.

there! a streak of green-gray scales and yellow-striped fins caught coniferpaw's eye, a bass longer than her own tail. adrenaline coursed through her body as she surged into the river, barely even feeling the coldness on her skin.

for a moment, bubbles obscured coniferpaw's vision. she felt the bass's tail propel water into her muzzle, and she paddled forward, eyes opening just a slit to see where the fish had gone-

but all she could see now, behind a veil of unsettled silt, was a tail disappearing into an earthen cove.

coniferpaw breached the river's surface, a growl already rising in her throat. if she couldn't even hunt for her clan, then she might as well go live among twolegs.

"aww, sweetie, you were very close."

coniferpaw whipped around at the sound of a stranger's meow. unnaturally high-pitched, words somewhat slurred. it didn't sound like anyone coniferpaw knew. the speaker was a thin she-cat whose head sunk halfway below coniferpaw's own, her coarse white fur blanketed with brindled ginger and brown. on her ginger-flecked and brown head, twin black streaks started from the corners of her eyes and met at the sides of her face, and on her legs, messy blotches of colour sat halfway between her paws and her flanks and shoulders- brown on the forelegs and ginger on the hind legs.

"who are you?" coniferpaw flicked her ears backwards. the appearance of a stranger had somewhat unsettled her, but "who are you" seemed like a reasonable question to ask.

the calico tabby purred and dipped her head, her fur unruffled still. "call me quiverskies."

quiverskies. that's not a name that i recognize.

coniferpaw didn't move as the small calico tabby slid past her, her copper gaze fixated upon the rushing river. "i can show you a trick on how to catch fish, if you'd like."

if you're trying to show off, you're after the wrong cat. coniferpaw flicked her ears again, fur brushing up ever so slightly as she sat up. but i suppose i should watch, if only for my own benefit.

quiverskies took her stance at the river's edge, tail tip hopping back and forth as her gaze skimmed over the surface. fish were abundant in the river, of course, but it was only the larger ones that a clan cat would take as fresh-kill- there had to be fish left behind to reproduce, and no cat would waste energy on a fish that wouldn't even fill a belly when there were others that could.

as coniferpaw watched, quiverskies launched herself into the water. though she had pushed off the riverbank with all four paws, her forepaws were now outstretched, and they hit the water before her head did. coniferpaw could barely see quiverskies under the water, only making out a distorted silhouette of brindles and white pull her forelegs back in a stroke and lunge and grasp something with her maw.

quiverskies emerged from the river with a limp pike dangling from her jaws. purring, she dropped her catch at coniferpaw's feet, and the apprentice couldn't help but stare. this warrior had only been a heartbeat, and yet...

"here, watch me." quiverskies lowered herself to the ground, her belly fur almost pressing on the wet sand. "you want to launch yourself really low, so the fish has less time to register your shadow. and then-" quiverskies shot forwards, shooting out her forelegs in front of her like she'd done before, this time using them to break her fall instead of paddling. "you enter the water with your forepaws. that way, you get an extra boost in the water if you need to chase your fish- although sometimes you can hook it on your claws right away."

"you." coniferpaw leered at quiverskies suspiciously. "what kind of cat swims that fast? i've never seen anything like it."

"oh, i'm sure you have, sweetheart." quiverskies seemed undeterred by coniferpaw's bitterness. she lifted a paw, spreading her toes apart as much as she could. there, coniferpaw noticed, was an aid- a film of skin stretched between each of quiverskies's toes.

"webbed paws. neat, isn't it?" quiverskies's gaze shifted from coniferpaw to her own paw. "but i think there are quite a few cats who still have them- hemlockdawn, along with his first litter, and your mentor, just to name a few."

coniferpaw spread apart her own toes, frowning. nothing there. if webbed paws made that big of a difference, then she didn't see how training would ever make her as good as quiverskies. but quiverskies had mentioned that galepelt also had webbed paws, right? maybe that's why he's so haughty. coniferpaw flushed with fury as the thought of her mentor crossed her mind. he just thinks he's better than me, doesn't he?

"... how do you know this? i've never noticed."

"don't you think your ancestors know a thing or two about the living?" quiverskies grinned at a motionless coniferpaw. "now, coniferpaw, i know you want to hone your skills. you're a good cat who's just stressed by her mentor too much." quiverskies nodded at her catch and padded back to the apprentice, whose fur finally started to lie flat. "if you're willing, i can show you what i know, starting with perfecting the dive i just showed you."

"of course, you'd have to commit yourself to it." suddenly, the small calico tabby's voice turned serious... and behind it, an intensity that coniferpaw couldn't help but be vaguely unnerved at- yet it was a strength that she wanted to know, a strength that she almost wanted for herself.

"training is nothing to be taken lightly. i will only take you on if you're willing to come here every night, and stay with me as i make you a better warrior..." quiverskies's stare locked onto coniferpaw's, but she did not back down. instead, a grin blossomed on coniferpaw's face at quiverskies's offer.

"are you kidding? you've already taken the time to show me what you're doing. that's already better than 'you should already know' galepelt." fire burned in coniferpaw's chest- passion, the true desire to better herself and her skills, something she'd last felt when she'd started her apprenticeship, and something that galepelt had quickly culled.

but now... with a mentor who actually cared about mentoring, coniferpaw had nothing to lose.

"let's go, quiverskies. we start now!"

***

"again, coniferpaw!"

it had been almost two moons since coniferpaw had begun training in her sleep under quiverskies. here, they were never disturbed, always in their own little bubble. always training by the river. the same river that looked so much like deltaclan's... but coniferpaw had noticed some differences. this one was so much colder, and not as deep- but, coniferpaw reasoned, starclan's territory was bound to be different from the waking world.

under quiverskies's tutelage, coniferpaw had rapidly mastered aquatic hunting. today, coniferpaw thought as a thrill rushed through her, she was going to learn battle moves. ones not known by any living cat, quiverskies had promised.

now, quiverskies held herself in a fighting stance before coniferpaw. coniferpaw copied her stance down to the exact angle of her legs.

"excellent, coniferpaw." quiverskies grinned slyly. "but you won't be able to beat me just yet. watch what i do carefully-" the calico tabby she-cat lunged, faster than coniferpaw could process, and easily knocked her to the ground. coniferpaw reflexively kicked out with her hind legs, but only managed to graze quiverskies's leg fur.

"-well, seems that you still have a thing or two to learn about speed!" quiverskies jabbed a forepaw into coniferpaw's belly, and when the apprentice instinctively curled around it, she felt quiverskies's teeth latch onto the back of her neck.

"well, well, it's to be expected. i've been training for longer than your leader's been alive." coniferpaw felt the heat her mentor's breath stain her skin. "that's why i'm passing down what i know. the cats alive now are soft compared to the cats who i walk with- in a real battle, you'd be dead by now."

a chill rushed through coniferpaw's fur as quiverskies released her grasp. quiverskies no longer looked relaxed; now, after the practice bout and her ominous words, her gaze darkened with new seriousness, new foreboding. and coniferpaw understood that, should she stop improving, should she fall behind, she'd be the same as everyone else- the others who quiverskies had said were weak compared to the cats in her living days.

and she knew with a grim certainty that she could not stop chasing the wish to become better, to become more than who she was. falling back, and having the living cats notice it... that'd be a nightmare in itself, wouldn't it?

"coniferpaw, focus!" quiverskies batted coniferpaw's head with her forepaw, and coniferpaw realized that she'd become lost in her own thoughts.

"sorry, quiverskies. i was just... thinking." coniferpaw pushed herself to her feet, blinking hard. come on, you won't improve if you don't listen to her.

"well, coniferpaw." quiverskies sat up and curled her tail over her forepaws, fixing coniferpaw with a hard glare. "what can you tell me about the move i just used on you?"

coniferpaw replayed the short battle in her head. quiverskies had lunged, and kicked, and bitten, using all of nature's tools at her disposal to take coniferpaw down- by grasping her target's neck in her jaws. "you have to act fast," coniferpaw mused, "so that your opponent won't have time to think."

quiverskies waved her tail, signalling for coniferpaw to say more.

"... you aimed for the softest part of a cat's body, so they'd be quickly incapacitated. and then..." coniferpaw trailed off. quiverskies had went for her neck, but usually that was a move reserved only for when a cat was in dire danger, a last-ditch effort to survive.

"quiverskies, why did you need to aim for my neck?"

quiverskies blinked slowly, and coniferpaw detected a sort of dark glimmer behind her gaze when she reopened her eyes. what is she hiding? but before coniferpaw could process any thoughts, quiverskies spoke, her meow deeper than normal- although for her, her voice was now pitched like an average she-cat's.

"i didn't need to do it, coniferpaw, but when i was alive, there were infestations of other cats living on deltaclan's borders." quiverskies hissed at her own memories, golden eyes glazed over as she slowly stood up and prowled her way towards coniferpaw. "cats died in trivial battles moon after moon. this, the killing bite-" quiverskies showed her fangs in a half-snarl, "-was how i was trained when i was your age. fight until your opponent can't!" quiverskies thrust her muzzle into coniferpaw's, whiskers almost brushing hers, a wild gleam barely controlled in her deep golden eyes. "pray to starclan that you will never be forced to use it."

coniferpaw forgot to breathe as quiverskies pulled away from her. the older she-cat's fur was fluffed up and spiked against invisible enemies, and her shoulders rose into brindled mountains as her forepaws flexed their talons in an imaginary fight.

coniferpaw had never bothered to ask her what life was like when she was alive... well, i never did because it'd be nosy of me to just suddenly ask her. i don't need to know.

but still, is this part of the reason why she's training me now? she wants to help me, and yet, she had an agenda this whole time: to pass down her knowledge because of what her life was like.

she wants me to be able to survive in the cruel world she knew.

"coniferpaw!" coniferpaw jumped as quiverskies suddenly barked her name. "remember your purpose- you must use my skills to protect your clan!" quiverskies looked up, and in that moment, coniferpaw thought quiverskies intimidating in a way that she had never seen before, more frightening than anything she'd seen before. "enemies are everywhere, young one, and you must do what you can to defeat them- mercy is not an option in the wild! do you understand?"

the way quiverskies's voice cracked felled a similar blow to coniferpaw's heart.

coniferpaw took in her mentor's bristling fur, her worked-up state of being haunted by unseen demons, her wild-eyed obsession with winning her battles because of the consequences of a loss, and her sudden ferocity, what coniferpaw could only assume was a result of what quiverskies remembered about the world.

was living in the forest really that bad? but then, coniferpaw pondered, life now was probably easier; if not, then quiverskies would never have deemed the warriors nowadays 'soft'. the lack of conflict brought a relatively peaceful life with petty squabbles.

if the situation was anything like the past, maybe galepelt would've taken my training seriously.

to quiverskies, coniferpaw gave a simple grim nod. and with the gesture, she pledged devotion to quiverskies's practice, loyalty to beliefs rooted in the past... and faith in a single spirit over all she'd ever known.

quiverskies broke into a purr, a pure that seemed to falter in its strength with every passing moment. "thank you, coniferpaw..." she brushed her muzzle against coniferpaw's cheek, and the apprentice buried her face in her mentor's fur.

how could all her intensity just melt away like that?

coniferpaw stared through quiverskies's fur, only just noticing how much she could actually see through it- if coniferpaw focused, quiverskies's pelt looked like a pale mirage... the white parts even looked invisible if she did. no, nothing blocked her view from quiverskies and the world of the dead...

coniferpaw nuzzled closer to quiverskies, and her fear and anxieties became less than memories.

we have each other now...