I sat on the couch in my living room with a huff.

Once again, I was the problem.

Damon had blabbed to Stefan about what had happened when we found Rose.

"This isn't a good idea, Damon."

"She needs to learn control. If she doesn't at least try she'll turn into you," Damon argued.

"But if she loses control, she won't be able to live with herself," the youngest shook his head.

"Maybe you're both right," I pointed out from the couch, "but we won't know until we try."

Stefan didn't look sold on the idea but I shook my head, "Everything will be fine, I promise."

And I had no idea how wrong I was about that one.

-

"So it's simple, drink and erase. Make sure you don't take too much, if you get the jugular it's easier for control reasons," Damon explained simply.

"And that's all?" I asked warily, eyeing the compelled boy who sat on the couch of the Salvatore boarding house.

"Pretty much."

I let out a deep breath and walked over to the boy sitting on the couch.

I looked down at him and could see his vein pulsing in his neck.

I extended my teeth and aimed right for the jugular, easy control. I began sucking the blood out of him and an amazing sense of relief washed over me. Everything is going to be fine, I'm in control.

I went to let him go when the voice spoke. Keep going.

What? No, I'll kill him. Keep going, you want more.

Every fiber of my being wanted to pull away, I wanted him to be okay. But I couldn't.

"Evelyn," his voice rang in my head, he was here, he would save me.

"Evelyn!" he shouted but I wouldn't stop.

"Evelyn, stop!" I felt someone's hand on my shoulder but I pushed the person away.

My brain was all fuzzy, the faint voice telling me to keep going being all I could comprehend. 

There was suddenly no more blood to drink and I shot up, looking at the scene around me.

"I couldn't stop," I whispered in shock at what I had done.

Damon was standing up off the floor where I had pushed him too. The innocent boys head sprawled carelessly on the floor due to my inability to control my hunger.

I quickly walked over and picked up the head that had rolled onto the floor and tried to put it back onto their body but it didn't work. It just kept falling off.

I covered my mouth in shock as Damon approached me, "No, no, no, no."

"It's going to be okay. This wasn't your fault," Damon tried and I shook my head.

"Yes it is. I killed him. I-I, I don't know what came over me. Everything was fine, I was in control, and then I couldn't stop and by the time I did…" I tried to explain and by now I was shaking.

"I know, I know," Damon said as he pulled me into a hug.

"I'm a monster," I whispered in shock as Stefan entered the room and Damon looked down at me in concern.

-

Stefan and Damon had cleaned up the mess I had made and were whispering in the kitchen about me. I was too distracted by what I had done to listen in.

If I had just listened to Stefan, maybe this wouldn't have happened. But then again, Damon could have been right and would have been inevitable.

I should have started sooner. Maybe, just maybe if I had started when I first turned I would have been okay. If I had the opportunity to get better, I wouldn't have hurt anyone, at least not like this. But then again, how could I possibly know.

I'm a monster. An actual monster. I mean yes, I am a vampire but I hadn't actually behaved as a monster would. Not till now.

I never wanted this. I wanted to live my life and I wanted to die. I never wanted to become a vampire.

But fate is a fickle thing. It never seems to take into account the damage it can cause, it just is. Why hadn't it known the damage it did cause and fix it?

I couldn't blame it all on fate. To be completely honest, I can't blame this on anybody.

Because nobody, not even I, could have possibly imagined what would happen next.

-

It's too much. I killed someone. Again.

How could I do this?

With Vicki it was somewhat justifiable, she would have hurt everyone I loved. But this time? He was innocent and I killed him because I couldn't control myself.

God, you're pathetic. You're a vampire! You shouldn't care.

But I do, I do care. Too much and that's the problem.

Turn it off.

What? No, I can't do that.

Yes you can, it's just a tiny little switch. All you have to do is flip it off and none of it will matter anymore. The pain. The loss. The fact that you hurt innocent people. It won't matter.

But if I turn it off, I might hurt someone.

Well that's inevitable, at least this way it won't hurt your pathetic little conscience.

I looked at myself in the mirror, remembering the way I had done so many times before. Before I became a monster. Before I hated who I became. The voice is right this time. I am pathetic.

So I listened. 

I found the switch in the back of every vampire's mind and I flipped it off. I watched as the usual glimmer of humanity was lost from my eyes and a smirk appeared on my lips.

Now this, the voice thought, this is gonna be fun.