Songs for this chapter are:

Slow it down- The Lumineers

Haywire- Bootstraps

Gravity- Sara Bareilles

Tessa's POV.

To say that I've been avoiding Hardin would be an understatement. As the days have passed, only two of them somehow, I have avoided him at all costs. I know he's here in this house but I can't bring myself to see him. He's knocked on my door a few times but was given a weak excuse behind my not opening the door.

I just wasn't ready.

I've put it off too long now and Karen is going to get restless, I know it. She is bursting at the seams with happiness and I know she doesn't want to keep the addition to their family a secret for long. She shouldn't have to, she should be happy and proud and excited. I can't ruin that for her by being a coward.

That is exactly why I can't avoid this moment any longer. I know he's here in the house, I just heard his boots rapping against the hardwood floors of the hallway. I just heard his door shut and moments later I am hearing it open again. I hear those heavy boots, this time outside of my door. I wait silently, pathetically hoping for a knock but wishing for him to go away at once. I'm still waiting for the day when my mind clears, when my thoughts go back to making sense.

The more time that passes, the more  I begin to question how clear my thoughts have ever been. Have I always been this confused, this unsure of myself and my decisions? I'm not sure but I wish I had the answer.

I wait, eyes closed and lip throbbing between my teeth, for him to leave before knocking. I'm disappointed yet relieved when I hear his door slam across the hall. Gathering all my strength and my phone in my hand, I check my reflection in the mirror one last time and cross the hall. When I lift my hand to knock, the door opens and Hardin is shirtless, looking down at me.

"What's wrong?" He immediately questions.

"Nothing, I-" I ignore the twist in my stomach as his brows pull together in a worried gesture. His hands are touching me again, thumbs gently pressing into my cheeks and I just stand in the doorway, blinking up at him, not a coherent thought within reach.

"I need to talk to you about something." I finally say. The words come out hushed and he's looking down at me with confusion clear in his green eyes.

"I don't like the sound of that," he somberly remarks as his hands drop from my face.

He sits on the edge of the bed and beckons for me to join him. I don't trust the short distance between us and even the thick air in the stuffy room seems to be taunting me.

"So? What is it?" Hardin's brow raises and he spreads his hands out behind him and he leans back onto them. His athletic shorts are tight, the waistband of them hangs so low that I can tell he is not wearing boxers underneath them.

"I'm sorry that I've been so distant from you. I just need some time to figure everything out," I tell him. That wasn't what I had planned to talk to him about but my mouth apparently has different plans than my head.

"It's okay. I'm trying my best to give you space but I'm glad you came to this room because we both know that I'm shit at giving you space and it's been driving me fucking crazy." He seems relieved now that the words are between us. His eyes rest on mine and I can't look away from the intensity behind them.

"I know." I can't deny the control he has seemed to gain over his own actions during the past week. I like that he's become a little less unpredictable, but that shield that I've built against him is still present, still lurking in the background, waiting for him to turn on me, the way he always does.

"Have you talked to Christian?" I ask him, needing to move back to the topic at hand before I'm too far lost into the never ending mess of us.

"No." He scoffs. I've clearly offended him. This isn't going well.

"I'm sorry, I don't mean to be insensitive," I tell him, meaning it. "I just want to see where your head is right now."

He doesn't respond for a few moments and the silence stretches between us like a never ending road.

Hardin's POV.

"You aren't being insensitive. I'm lucky you're even speaking to me." I remind her.

"When do you plan on telling Ken about everything from London?" Tessa asks me. I lay back on the bed with my eyes closed and think about her question before answering. I have been thinking over this a lot the last few days, going back and forth between telling him in a rushed confession or doing the opposite and keeping the information to myself.

Does he need to know and if I tell him, am I willing to accept the changes that will come from this? Will there be any changes or am I just being a bitch about it? It seems fitting, the moment that I start to tolerate and possibly forgive the man, I find out he's not my father to forgive.

"I'm still deciding if I'm going to tell him at all. I sort of wanted to get your opinion on that." Her gray eyes aren't shining the way I've become so used to, but they hold more life today than the last time I saw her. It was pure fucking torture being under the same roof without being near her the way I need to be.

Everything has seemed to shift in an ironic twist of fate and I'm now the one begging for attention, begging for simply anything that she will offer me. Even now, the thoughtful expression in her eyes is enough to soothe the constant ache that I refuse to learn to live with, no matter how far she pushes herself away from me.

"Would you like to have a relationship with Christian?" She softly questions, her small fingers tracing the frayed stitching on the comforter.

"No," I quickly respond. "Hell, I don't know." I backtrack. "I need you to tell me what I should do."

She nods and her eyes meet mine.

"Well, I think you should only tell Ken if you think it will help you deal with some of the pain from your childhood. I don't think you should tell him if your only reason to do so is out of spite or anger and as far as Christian goes, I think you have a little bit of time to make that decision. Just see where things go, you know?" She suggests in that understanding tone she has.

"How is it that you do that?" I ask and she tilts her chin, confused.

"Do what?"

"Always say the right thing."

"I don't," a soft laugh falls between us. "I don't say the right things," .

"You do." I reach my hand out for her but she pulls away. "You do say the right things, you always have. I just couldn't hear you before."

Tessa looks away from me but that's okay. It will take some time for her to get used to hearing these things from me but she will get used to them. I've made a vow to myself to tell her how I feel and to stop being selfish and expecting her to decipher my every word, my every intention.

A vibration sounds from her lap and she lifts a phone from the pocket of her oversized sweatshirt. I force myself to pretend that she bought the WSU sweatshirt and she's not wearing Landon's clothing. I have been subjected to wearing every embroidered piece of WSU merchandise known to man, but I hate the idea of his clothes touching her skin. It's irrational and really fucking stupid but I can't stop the thoughts from entering and resting in my mind.

She swipes her thumb across the screen and it takes a moment to realize what type of phone she's holding. I snatch the iPhone from her hands before she can stop me.

"An iPhone? You're shitting me!" I stare down at the new phone in my hands. "This is yours?"

"Yeah," her cheeks flush and she reaches for the phone but I stretch my arms above my head, out of her reach.

"Oh, so now you get an iPhone but when I wanted to get you one you wouldn't." I tease her. Her eyes are wide and she takes a nervous breath. "Why the change of heart?" I smile at her, easing her discomfort.

"I don't know, it was time I guess." She shrugs her shoulders, still nervous.

"What's the passcode?" I ask while touching the numbers that I assume it will be. I'm correct and granted with her home screen.

"Hardin!" She squeals, attempting to grab the phone from me. "You can't just go through my phone!" She leans across and grabs my bare arm with one hand and reaches for the phone with the other.

"Yes, I can." I laugh. The simplest touch from her has me buzzing, every cell beneath my skin is alive from her skin on mine.

"Give me yours then," she finally smiles and holds out a demanding little hand to match that sweet little grin that I've missed so much.

"Nope, sorry." I continue to tease her while obsessively glancing over her text messages.

"Give me the phone!" She whines and moves closer to me. "There are probably a lot of things on your phone that I don't want to see," her smile disappears and I can literally feel her guard sliding back into place.

"No, there isn't. There are over a thousand pictures of you and an entire album of your bullshit music, and if you really want to see how pathetic I am, you could check the call logs and see how many times I've called your old number just to hear that robotic bitch tell me that your number is no longer in service."

She glares at me, obviously not believing me. Not that I blame her.  Her eyes soften but only momentarily before she says, "none of Janine?" Her voice is so low that I barely catch the accusation.

"What? No! Go on, look at it. It's on the dresser."

"I'd rather not."

I lean up onto my knees and press my shoulder into hers. "Tessa, she is nothing to me. Never will be."

Tessa's trying hard not to care, she's fighting within herself to show me that she has moved on from me but I know her better than that. I know that she's stewing over the idea of me with another woman.

"I need to go." She tries to stand but I'm not having it. I use my free hand to wrap around her wrist and I press my chest against hers to overpower her in a gentle, non-caveman way.

"I know what you think happened but you're wrong." I try to convince her.

"No, I know what I saw. I saw her in your shirt." She snaps.

"I was out of my mind Tessa, but I didn't fuck her." I wouldn't have. Having her touch me was bad enough. For a moment I wonder if I should tell Tessa the way I couldn't stand Janine's cigarette flavored lips on mine, but I decide against it.

"Sure," she rolls her eyes defiantly.

"I miss you and your attitude." I try to lighten the mood but she only rolls her eyes again. "I love you," I add. That gains her attention and she pushes at my chest to put some space between our bodies.

"Stop doing that!:You can't just decide you want me now and expect me to come running back to you."

I want to tell her that she is going to come back to me, that she belongs with me and I will never stop trying to convince her of this, but instead I smile at her and shake my head.

"Let's change the subject. I just wanted you to know that I miss you, okay?"

"Okay," she sighs. She brings her fingers to her lips and pinches them, making me forget what I was going to change the subject to.

"An iPhone," I turn her phone in my hand again. "I can't believe you got an iPhone and weren't going to tell me." I glance over and watch as her frown turns into a half smile.

"It's not a big deal. It helps a lot with my schedule and Landon is going to show me how to download music and movies."

"I can help you." I offer.

"It's okay, really." She dismisses me.

"I will help you. I can show you now." I don't give her the opportunity to dismiss me again.

We spend an hour this way, me going through the catalog choosing all of her favorite music and showing her how to download those cheesy, Tom Hanks romantic comedies that she seems to love. Tessa is nearly silent the entire time, only a few "thank you's" and "no, not that song" are given and I try not to push her for conversation.

I did this to her, I turned her into this quiet, unsure woman in front of me and it's my fault that she doesn't know how to act right now. It's my fault that every time I lean into her she pulls away, taking a piece of me with her each time.

It seems impossible that I would have anything left to give her, that she doesn't already consume and own every single part of me, but somehow, when she smiles at me, my body produces a little more of myself to give to her. It's all for her and it will always be that way.

"Do you need me to show you how to download the best porn too?" I attempt a joke and I'm awarded with another flush of her cheeks.

"I'm sure you know all about that," she teases back. I love this. I love being able to tease her the way I used to and I fucking love that she's letting me.

"Not really actually, I have plenty of images up here." I tap at my forehead with my cast and she grimaces. "Only of you," I add.

Her frown doesn't waiver but I refuse to allow her to think this way. It's insane thinking, that I would be thinking about anyone but her. I'm starting to think she's as crazy as I am. Maybe that would explain why she stayed with me as long as she did.

"I mean it. I only think of you. It's always you." My tone is serious now, too fucking serious, but I don't care enough to change it. I've tried the joking, friendly shit and I hurt her feelings.

She surprises me by asking, "What types of things do you think about me?"

"You don't want me to answer that." I bring my bottom lip between my teeth as images of her flash through my mind.

Tessa spread out on the bed, her thighs pushed apart and her fingers clawing at the sheets as she comes against my tongue.

"You're probably right." She laughs then sighs. "We always do this, we always slip right back into this," she waves her hand back and forth between us. I know exactly what she means. I'm in the middle of the worst week of my life and she has me laughing and smiling over a damn iPhone.

"This is us, baby. This is how we are. We can't help it."

"We can help it. We have to. I have to." Her words may sound convincing in her mind but she's not fooling me.

"Stop overthinking everything. You know this is how it should be, us teasing one another over porn, me thinking about all the dirty things I have and still want to do to you."

"This is literally insane. We can't do this," she says as she leans closer to me, contradicting her words.

"Do what?"

"Everything isn't about sex," her eyes focus on my crotch and I can tell she's trying to look away from the bulge there.

"I never said it was, but you can do us both a favor and stop acting like you aren't thinking the same things that I am."

"We can't." She says, licking her lips. The distance between us is too minimal and our breaths have synchronized.

"I didn't offer," I remind her. I didn't offer but I sure as hell wouldn't refuse. I'm not that lucky though, there is no way she will let me touch her. Not anytime soon.

"You were suggesting," she smiles.

"When aren't I?"

"True," she fights a giggle. "This is so confusing. We shouldn't be doing this. I don't trust myself around you."

Fuck, I'm glad she doesn't.

"What could be the worst to happen?" I press and move a hand to her shoulder. She flinches at the touch but it's not the same repellant flinch that I've been dealing with for the last week.

"I could continue to be an idiot," she whispers and I move my hand slowly up and down the length of her arm.

"Stop thinking, just shut your mind off and let your body control this. Your body wants me Tessa, it needs me."

She shakes her head, denying the simple truth.

"Yes, yes it does." I continue touching her, closer to her chest now and wait for her to stop me. If she does, I will cease all contact. I would never push her to be with me physically. I've done a lot of fucked up shit, but that will never be an option.

"See the thing is, is that I know every single place to touch you." I look into her eyes for approval and it's flashing like a neon sign. She isn't going to stop me,  her body still craves me as it always has. "I know how to make you come so hard that you'll forget everything else,"

Maybe if I can please her body, her mind will be easier to persuade. Then, once I can break through her mind and body, her heart will follow their lead.

I've never been shy when it comes to her body and pleasing her, why start now?

I take her silence and the way she can't seem to take her eyes off of mine, for a yes and I reach for the hem of her sweatshirt. Damn this thing, it's heavier than it should be and the damn string is tangled into Tessa' hair. She swats at my bad hand and removes the sweatshirt and detaches her hair from the thing.

"I'm not forcing you into anything here, am I?" I have to ask her.

"No," she breathes. "I know it's a terrible idea but I don't want to stop." She admits and I nod, silently hoping to change her mind. "I need an escape from everything, please distract me."

"Shut your mind off. Stop thinking about all of the other shit and focus on this," I run my fingers along her neckline and she shivers under my touch.

"Okay," she catches my off guard and presses her lips to mine. Within seconds the slow, unsure kiss vanishes and is replaced by us.

The timid moments evaporate and suddenly we are in our own place, all the other bullshit is gone and it's only me and Tessa and her lips crushing against mine, her tongue making hurried swipes across my own, her hands in my hair, tugging at the roots and driving me fucking wild.

I wrap my arms around her and press my hips into hers until her back reaches the mattress. Her knee is bent, lifted, level with my crotch and I shamelessly rub myself against her. She gasps at my desperation and removes a hand from my hair to bring down to her own chest. I could burst at the feeling of having her under me again, it's too fucking much but not enough and I can't form a thought aside from her.

She touches herself, kneading at one of her large breasts and I stare down like I've forgotten how to do anything else except staring at her perfect body and the way she's finally letting loose with me. She needs this even more than I do, she needs the distraction from the real world and I will gladly serve as that distraction.

Our moves aren't calculated, pure passion is fueling us. I'm the fire and she's the damn gasoline and there's no sign of stopping or slowing until something is sure to explode. I'll be waiting then, ready to fight the flames for her, keeping her safe so she doesn't get burned by me, again.

Her hand travels down her body and she grips me, rubbing her hand over me and I have to force myself not to come from her hand alone. I shift my hips, resting them between her parted legs as she tugs at the waistband of my shorts. I tug at hers with one hand until both of us are naked from the waist down.

The groan that escapes her lips matches my own when I rub against her, skin to skin. I shift slightly, entering her partially and she groans again, this time she presses her mouth to my bare shoulder. She is licking and sucking at my skin as I push further inside of her. My vision blurs as I try to savor every second of this, every moment that she is willing to be with me in this way.

"I love you," I promise her.

Her mouth stops moving and her grip on my arms loosens.

"Hardin.."

"Marry me, Tessa. Please." I ask, pushing my cock inside of her, filling her, hoping to catch her in an unfair moment of weakness.

"If you're going to say things like that then we can't do this," she pleas. I can see the hurt in her eyes, the lack of self control she has when it comes to me and I instantly feel guilty for bringing up fucking marriage while fucking her. Great fucking timing, you selfish asshole.

"I'm sorry, I'll stop." I assure her with a kiss. I will give her this time to think and I will lay off the heavy shit while I'm thrusting in and out of her hot, wet,..

"Oh god," she interrupts me thoughts with a moan. Instead of confessing my undying love for her I will only say the things she wants to hear.

"You feel so fucking tight around me. It's been so long," I say against her neck and one of her hands presses against the bottom of my back, pressing me deeper into her.

Her eyes pinch shut and her legs begin to tighten, I know she's already close and even though she hates me right now, she loves my filthy mouth.

I'm not going to last long but neither is she. I've missed this, not only the pure fucking perfection that it is to be inside of her, but being close to her in this way is something I need, something she needs.

"Come on, baby. Come around me, let me feel you." I say through gritted teeth. She obeys, clenching one of my arms and whimpering my name as she pushes her head back into the mattress and she comes apart, I follow suite, spilling into her.

"Fuck," I drop to my elbows next to her, careful not to crush her with the weight of my body. Her eyes are closed, her lids heavy as she struggles to open them.

"Mhmm," she agrees.

I prop myself up onto my elbow and stare at her while she's not looking. I am afraid of what will happen when she comes to, when she begins to regret this and her anger toward me grows.

"You okay?" I can't help but trace the curve of her bare hip with my finger.

"Yeah." She says, her voice thick and sated.

I'm so fucking glad came to my door. I don't know how much longer I could have gone without seeing her or hearing her voice.

"You're sure?" I push. I need to know what this meant to her.

"Yes." She opens one eye and I can't fight the stupid smile on my face.

"Okay," I nod. "What did you come in here for in the first place?" I ask her and the sated, sleepy look disappears from her beautiful face.

"What is it?" Zed's face surfaces in my demented thoughts. "Tell me, please."

"It's Karen," she rolls onto her side and I force my eyes away from her perfect tits on display.

"What about her?" Why the hell are we discussing Karen while naked?

"She's.. well," Tessa stops for a moment and my chest fills with an unexpected panic for the woman.

"She's what?"

"She's pregnant." She says.

What? The fuck?

"By who?" I ask. This obliviously amuses Tessa.

"Your father," she laughs but quickly works to correct herself. "Ken. Who else?"

I don't know what I was expecting to hear but Karen being pregnant was sure as hell not it.

"What?"

"I know it's a little surprising but they are very happy."

A little surprising? This is more than a little fucking surprising.

"Ken and Karen are having a baby?" I speak the ridiculous words.

'Yes," Tessa eyes me carefully. "How do you feel about it?"

How do I feel about it? I don't fucking know. I barely know the man, we are just started to build something here and now he's having a baby?

"I guess it doesn't matter how I feel, does it?" I lay onto my back and close my eyes again.

"Yes it does." Tessa says, "It matters to them. They want you to know that the baby won't change anything, Hardin. They want you to be part of the family. You'll be a big brother," Tessa says in a soft voice.

A big brother?

Smith and his weird adult-like personality come to mind and I feel nauseous. This is too much for anyone to handle and it's sure as hell too much for someone as fucked up as me.

"I know it's hard to wrap your head around but I think-" Tessa begins.

"I'm fine. I need a shower." I climb out of the bed and grab the shorts from the floor. Tessa sits up, confused and hurt, as I pull the shorts up my legs.

"I'm here if you want to talk about it. I wanted to be the one to tell you about all of this." She says. It's too much. She doesn't even want me.

She refuses to marry me.

Fuck, the dark thoughts are fighting their way back into my head and I'm overwhelmed by the struggle. When will this end? When will shit keep popping up each and every fucking time I finally feel like I have a grasp on my own mind?

(hey guys!! I wanted to thank you so much for all of your support and encouragement that I received from the NY Times article. If it wasn't for all of you, I wouldn't have ever been on the radar for an interview with them and it means so much to me that you all are so supportive and kind to me and I'm so excited to be working with Wattpad to see what we all can do together! I love you all so much! I may update tomorrow since I didn't update yesterday but It may also be Wed, I'm not sure yet. I love you all so much, thanks again for everything! )