DISPELLING THE MYTHS - Tina Fausett

Let's be honest, you probably wouldn't be reading this if you hadn't had your own fantasies involving BDSM, or at the very least thought about it. And you're not alone. With recent books and movies putting it out there and taking the shame out of it, more and more people are reading, watching and fantasizing about what it would be like...about pleasure in pain...and they're getting turned on.

Are the people who actually participate in BDSM ill or mentally messed up? Actually no, they're not. Psychological studies have shown they have lower levels of depression, anxiety, PTSD, borderline pathology and paranoia. Other studies show that practitioners are more extroverted, open to more experiences and have a better sense of well-being. What it boils down to is that BDSM between consensual adults does not cause distress.

Remember, consenting or consensual adults are the keywords here. There are "bottoms" (the person being bound and/or receiving the stimulation) and "tops" (the person who gives orders, binds and administers the stimulation. Investigation has shown that both parties experience increases in closeness and less psychological stress. One study suggests that the minds of a bottom may enter into an altered state of consciousness during participation, which includes reduction of pain, feelings of peacefulness and floating and even time distortions. Tops enter a state of focused attention, loss of self-consciousness and expert performance.

Let's put it more simply. Our skin is the biggest organ of our bodies. Sex acts that cause mild or severe pain and the prolonged anticipation of relief or even gentle touch cause the release of dopamine, adrenaline and serotonin that can result in a "high", kind of like a runner's high. Get misconceptions out of your mind. BDSM is not the picture some people have of a sex slave being forced to do things they don't want to do. They aren't tied to a bed or wear chains, going about scrubbing and cleaning (unless they want to), afraid of torture, punishment, gang-rape, etc. (again, unless that's part of their fantasy). 

So, this brings us to communication. BDSM improves communication and trust. For a couple to participate, they have to be able to talk openly about fantasies, what they like and don't like, what they want done to them and what not to do. They have to make sure there are safe words and trust that the dominant will stop if one of those words is used. Communication and trust of this type increases intimacy.

Here's one for you! By having that kind of intimacy, trust, communication and getting what turns you on and gives you a high, you're less likely to stray. It encourages fidelity. When you've got all that, you're less likely to want to risk it by messing around with someone who isn't going to give it to you. 

I like to look at it as an ultimate act of love. Being able to trust someone so much that you lay your soul bare and your sexuality on a platter for them is one of the closest bonds I can think of. In BDSM, both parties receive pleasure in immeasurable ways. A dominant is entrusted with not only the safety of their sub but their pleasure. If he or she fails, it takes away from their own enjoyment and empowerment. It's a two-way street and the commitment to each other is a beautiful act of love.

Bottom line, no pun intended, if you find yourself being turned on by fantasies of BDSM, it might or might not be for you ...some fantasies are best-left fantasies... but if all that's holding you back is a stigma society has put on something they really don't understand then it might be worth you doing some research on your own. And if you're lucky enough to find someone who shares your interest, it might just be time to start some communicating.

One warning... be careful. It's worth learning the ropes, so to speak. Be knowledgeable about what you're doing. There are BDSM communities and people you can talk to, online videos to help give instruction, and yes, even books. If you're new at this, be safe ...do your research... even research can be fun.