Alorah Reagen

"I still can't believe how you guys told my mom all the details!" I groaned as I sat on the floor, leaning against my bed, and complained to Julian for the fifth time.

I watched as he walked around my room, smiling, inspecting every corner as if it were the most amazing place he had ever seen.

"Well, I wanted to stay on her good side, seeing as I am dating her daughter," Julian explained as he finished inspecting my room and sat beside me.

"Which she doesn't know yet," I added. I sighed and lifted my head to look at the ceiling. After the gossip, we all parted ways since some of us still had things to do, and Julian and I decided to hang out at my place because we didn't want to end the day yet.

One thing led to another, and we found ourselves relaxing in my bedroom while my parents were still out working.

Did I tell mom I was bringing him over?

Nope.

How about Dad?

Never.

It was my first time doing something like this—bringing a guy over without any other company or parental supervision and chilling in my room, which is something no one should do, but I was doing it. It felt good to do something without asking permission because it was like... I was free to make decisions without regard for any constraints, even if they were only temporary.

"Alorah, can I ask you something?" Julian asked.

"Sure," I responded. Julian didn't ask his question, and I waited for a couple of seconds only to grow slightly impatient. I tilted my head to the side as I watched him staring at his fidgeting hands with a poker face.

I was taken aback and almost moved away from him when he abruptly turned to face me. Julian had this expression on his face. It was like a teenager, afraid to express themselves for fear of hurting the other person or worse.

Curious about what he had to say, I raised my hand and cupped his cheek, drawing circles with my thumb as I waited. As I continued, I felt electricity spark in my hand, and I noticed him relax a little, closing his eyes as he leaned against my hand. Perhaps wanting to know what was going through his mind was an excuse to touch him because I felt at ease doing this simple action.

"What's on your mind?" I asked. He slowly opened his eyes and then locked his gaze on mine. I could tell he was still considering his question.

"Last night, before you sent me a message, I had this scenario played in my mind," Julian said as he placed his hand over my own that was drawing circles on his cheek before continuing, "I imagined the future, our future to be exact. If I am allowed to be beside you and support you in your journey. Not only that but also whether you have imagined yourself playing with your children and then...painful images start playing right in front of my eyes."

I kept staring at him while clenching my free hand on my thigh and biting my tongue to keep myself grounded. The subject was something I didn't want to think about or discuss, particularly late at night. I don't want to have an attack just as I'm about to fall asleep and start dreaming.

However, I couldn't tell him to shut up and change the subject. The words were at the tip of my tongue, but something was blocking me from saying them out loud. All I could do was force myself to listen while the itchiness rose inside me.

"After that, I realized how difficult it was for you, especially since you had to go through that since you were around 15 years old. Then I saw you losing yourself in your own home's hallway. How you become distant whenever you're by yourself," Julian grabbed my hand and then slowly placed it on his thigh, letting our hand rest there, "I understand why you felt that way."

I couldn't stop the tears from falling from my eyes this time, no matter how hard I tried. The words started ringing in my head whenever these thoughts enveloped me in this pain-scratching cell, caging me inside and letting me suffer.

I don't want to die. I can't imagine not being here in this world anymore, alive and conscious.

I don't want to grow old and watch my children play, realizing that my clock is about to run out, and then I stopped existing.

I can't imagine another life where everything is different and I won't have the same family anymore.

My memories of this life will be gone.

When I felt something wrap itself around me, I let out a gasp. It was warm and familiar. I looked to the side and saw a familiar head shape, and my body gave out, knowing it was only Julian.

All I could do was hug him back, crinkling his shirt in the process, as I cried my heart out on his shoulder. He let me and gently patted my back, which gradually soothed me.

"Are you still having those kinds of thoughts?" Julian asked, and I could feel the side of my hair moving a little as he talked.

No words could come out of my mouth without choking, so all I could do was nod in response.

"How often?" he asked in his second question. I moved away from him, sniffling as I rubbed my eyes.

"Every day. I think I had an attack while the thoughts worsened. I'm not sure. I haven't experienced this before, so I don't know whether it was an attack," My voice cracked at the end. I shifted my sitting position to keep my mind busy and ended up sitting on my legs, facing Julian.

"Stop rubbing your eyes," Julian said softly, taking my hands in his and placing them on my lap before wiping away my tears, "Does anyone else know about this besides me?"

"Yeah," I nodded before continuing, "my mom does."

"What did she say?"

My eyes were sore from crying, and I bit my lower lips as I recalled my conversation with mom. A smile formed on my face when she told me that I wasn't alone.

"She also went through the same thing, even up until now. Never once did her fear disappear as she aged," I muttered, looking down at my hands, which looked unreal.

It was like I was in another person's body, and I was the viewer, watching her stories unfold.

A hand appeared in my field of vision and rested on top of mine. I looked up and focused on Julian, who appeared to be in pain.

"The thoughts are our painful reality, and we can't escape it. If you see them from another perspective, our lives are like a play. At the same time, we have a sense of awareness that is outside of the box," Julian smiled, gripping my hand tight before continuing, "Honestly, I don't know how we're going to get through this obstacle. It's something that's out of our control. However, what I can do within my ability is to make a decision, which is to be with you."

I sniffled, knowing that what he said was right. The idea of not existing anymore is not within our control. Although the idea of finding a partner and getting married sounds bizarre, knowing that our lives will end at any given time, I still can't resist the urge to be with that person for the rest of my life.

I suppose it was part of our creation to find someone with whom we could connect on a deeper level.

Our conversation was cut short by the sound of doors closing and footsteps coming from downstairs. I stood on my knees, looking over my shoulder and staring at the door as I listened to the footsteps to see if I recognized them.

"I guess your parents are back," I felt an arm circling around my waist, and I turned my attention back to see Julian smiling at me. I returned the gesture.

"And you are still here. Late at night. In a girl's bedroom," I grinned, letting him sink in the idea that he shouldn't be here or we'll get in trouble if we're caught.

"Well, I don't want your parents' impression of me to change when they open the door to find us chilling in your bedroom alone. It would make it harder for me to tell them we're dating," I smiled at the thought of telling my parents the news.

"You planned to tell them now? Without warning me in advance?" I raised an eyebrow at him, eyeing him up and down.

"Doesn't this count as a warning?" Julian mirrored my expression, and I couldn't help but shove him playfully.

"You could have told me earlier than that,"I rolled my eyes at him before leaning in for a hug.

"Well, I didn't really plan to break the news. But I felt like now was the right time to tell your parents," Julian murmured, his hand resting on the small of my back. I moved back slightly so that we were at eye level.

"Alright. Let's break the news to my parents," I grinned excitedly.

We stood up, and I followed Julian as he opened the door and moved aside to let me go first. I thanked him and led the way out.

As we walked down the stairs, memories of our first conversation flooded my mind. I couldn't believe I was finally in a relationship, and it was with a former 'bad boy'.

Once we reached the last step and headed to the one room that had the light on, I felt nervous. Mom and dad knew how I felt about him, but telling him we were officially together was different.

I pushed down my nerves and held my head high. When I felt a rough hand grab my own, a smile broke out on my face.

I'm not alone in telling them the news, just as I wasn't alone in going through these painful thoughts. Suddenly, the world seemed brighter than ever.

We walked into the living room to find mom in the kitchen, preparing some beverages while dad was chilling on the sofa, browsing his phone. Given how engrossed they were, they didn't seem to notice our presence, so I cleared my throat to get their attention.

"Sweetheart! You're still not sleeping yet?" Dad smiled briefly before his face became puzzled when he noticed Julian was present.

"We didn't know Julian was coming here," Mom said, walking out of the kitchen with a towel in her hands.

I glanced at Julian hesitantly, and he only gave me a smile before facing my parents.

"Mr. and Mrs. Reagen. I have something to tell you that involves your daughter," I could hear the confidence and the lightness in his voice. There wasn't a hint of nervousness in there. Lucky him.

"Is there any problem?" Dad interrogated Julian, switching between him and me. I looked to the side and saw Mom leaning on one foot, smiling.

"No, sir. But I want to break the news that..." As I waited for him to say something, I became increasingly nervous. I tightened my grip on his hand, possibly cutting off his circulation, "your daughter and I are dating."