Every secret of mine dwells here. No one other than me can know. It's strictly mine. But, you know what the cover says, "Go ahead". You're allowed to open it if you find this. You know, for personal safety.

You're lucky if you're reading this, getting to know my life.

P.S: Don't forget to admire the cover.

Once you know me. You're most likely to not like me. Myself Amber. Amber Tide. And you're going to be my best friend from today- actually a proxy.

Let's dive into my memories of the day, a not so good day.

15th September 2019,

I hated today since last month because I knew she was going to leave. And not knowing when I get to see her again drained me. And thinking of school without my best friend was actual hell.

"Bye, Amby," I heard her say.

I couldn't bid bye as I was already weeping inside with a goodbye face on. I was not ready. Not a day passed without seeing her since sophomore year. The best two years of my life. And now, without her nothing would be the same. I wouldn't be.

"Goodbye, Sel," I hugged her.

"C'mon. Get in," her father said closing the car trunk.

"I'll see you," she said smiling.

"Maybe soon. I hope so."

I watched them drive along Queen's Street in their yellow car. The thought that was running in my sorrow-filled mind was seeing the car take a U-turn and Sel running to me, smiling. And I got to know that I was dumb enough to have such a thought which can never happen until Mr. Rey, her dad's alive.

I spent the rest of the day imagining a life without the one person who brought out the light in me.

You know when a person leaves you, the moments you had with them stays with you to prick your heart to re-remember every happy time spent together leaving you in a miserable state making you think that you are not going to have those kinds of moments anymore and the ache your heart holds will crush you daily. You can just lie to yourself that you're okay and find a proxy for the person who moved far away from you. Just like I got you from her own hands that held my broken pieces together whenever I was flooded by sorrow.

But, you know what, proxy, I always keep my head up. Because I am Amber Tide.

"Amber," I hear my mom calling me from the kitchen. But, my legs were numb as I was sitting still on the Xanadu bean bag in the living room since nine in the morning.

"Amber. Come here, lit," I love it when she calls me like that.

"Coming mom," I went and stood in front of her while she was preparing the dining table for lunch.

"It's almost one. Your dad would've started from the factory. Turn on the geyser," she told me as I slurped the mushroom soup she had made. "Yummy yum," I said walking to the bathroom.

"I know you're pissed," my mom knew I was not okay with Sel leaving town.

"I am not pissed. I'm just- sad."

My dad walked through the door with a shopping bag. "Danny. I need a cup of tea."

"It's lunch now," my mom said making the dining table ready.

I went to my room to clean the mess made by me this morning. Inflicting anger on things was the old me thing. I knew that I would eventually go back to that me without Sel by my side.

I liked the old me very much. It was fun. But, Sel changed my world. With her, everything was blissful.

"Amby, did you do your laundry? Do you want me to do it?" My mom has always been dear and near to me. I'm still a toddler to her and she proves it by doing my chores at times I fail to.

"No, mumsy. I'll do it myself," I didn't want to pile up her day.

"Take me home, where I belong...," I was humming while Mrs. Kristen came up with the bowl she had borrowed from my mom.

"Hey, Amby," she smiled as I did the same.

"Amber has changed so much since freshman year, right?" I could hear her natter.

"Yes. She's become more responsible since then," my mom was telling her.

I had to shift my school for a couple of years as my dad's workplace changed. That is where I met Sel. But now, I have to go back to Moundsville High for my junior year. But without Sel.

"How can I move on without someone who made me embrace the unknown side of me which was buried deep inside?" I ask myself arranging my room.

I take my phone which I threw under my bed and texted Sel that I miss her. I knew that it won't reach her as she changed her sim because her dad told her to. I don't know what it is in me that makes him detest me that much.

Moundsville High could be a better place for me in the absence of Sel. Because that is where I grew up.

"Amber, I need your help," I heard my mom from downstairs-again.

"What is it, mom?"

"Help me hide this from your dad," she said handing me an envelope with a few hundred dollars.

"You're not doing it again, are you?" I ask my mom as she was once again trying to hide money from my dad. It is not that he's going to take it. It's just that he won't be aware of mom's savings and can spend wisely, considering the expenses.

"I don't know how I am going to fall in friendship again," I was mumbling to Spencer who has been a constant friend to me since I could ever remember.

I would be proud of him at times, very much. He had the guts to come out as gay to his parents and friends at the age of 14. He has always been a parents' pet and opening up to them was very hard for him. But, he did and that is what I love about him. Always getting what he wanted in his own way.

"Amby, don't worry. You'll find your kind," he boosted me as I hopped in my bed covering myself with my furry blanket.

"Pick your outfit for tomorrow before getting into bed," he instructed me.

"I have already picked one."

"Hm-hm. That doesn't sound like the Amber I knew once," he giggled. "Guess this is her better version."

"Maybe. Maybe not," I sighed. "Good night, Spence."

"Night night, Amby. See you at school."

Hope my first entry isn't bad, proxy. I did well. I don't know what tomorrow holds for me. And I've already decided that if I am going back to Moundsville High, I have to be the Amber they've always known. And I will be.