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I feel like I'm dead.
The dead dead,
The corpse dead.
Feeling nothing, not even my own body.

Do people feel that often?
Not feeling anything?
Disconnected to the world, to yourself?
Like everything around you is suffocating you in a way that you know the air you need to breathe will suffocate you as well.

I feel I'm no longer here.
I'm somewhere else.
And that place isn't at peace as well.
Nothing is at peace, nobody is at calm.
Everywhere is chaos.
My mind is at havoc situation, my soul at disorder.

I want to rest, in peace metaphorically.
But I can't.
Even thinking about peace burns my soul.

I'm treated in a way that I know, I'm not supposed to be at ease, I'm supposed to suffer, I was made to feel this, to be an uneasy human.

I don't want to be human anymore.
I can't be one when I can't carry one along with me.
Being human is all about being an emotional fool.
I don't wanna be a fool anymore, I can't be.

Sighing, I placed the journal on the study table. Aurora at times is very hard to be understood. She has her way of expressing her feelings, she keeps everything to herself. The mention of suffocating herself is true in her case, she will indeed try to choke herself than to breathe any air of not wanted by her. She was always stubborn but straight. She knew what she needed and to get that, she exactly knew how to play her cards.

There was a knock at the door. My brother peeked inside and passed a smile, walking in the room. "Karen is preparing dinner. Dad will be home soon." He declared and took a seat next to me.

"Where have you been the whole day?" I asked. I didn't even see him this morning. He has been busy lately, helping dad with the work. "Had to attend a meeting with a Turkish Investor."

"Turkish?" I asked, surprised. "Why would he invest his money here?"

"Big guy, huge bank balance. He wanted to put his money in commercial business, did his research and approached us." He explained.

Ever since turning the age of maturity, Landon was interested in Business and Management and had a great opportunity to try his luck in our own business. He was always sure, he wanted to run the business ahead and dad was totally fine with it. Aurora on the other hand wanted to explore the world more, she was interested in the economic and political backgrounds of the world. Aurora and Landon have proved to be the best example of an ideal child. I'm yet to decide on my future, but the irony is, to prepare for my future, I need to understand back my past. That will be one hell of a task for me.

"Did I ever decide what I wanted to be when I grow up?" I asked him. He placed his phone aside, sending a message to someone and looked at me.

"You wanted to be everything. One life was not enough for you." He stated. "You used to say that life is unfair, how were you supposed to be everything in one life. You at least needed extra lives."

"I got my extra." I let out a chuckle. He sighed. "Not this way, Alyssa. We never wanted you to have an extra life at the cost of everything." His tone sounding sad. I shouldn't have brought this up.

"Whatever happened is gone now. We cannot change that, Landon. The fact that it happened and still has an impact on my life shows that I can never have a brand new life."

"A brand new life by giving up on the old life in that way?" He asked, his light brown eyes turning dark and I knew, this was not going to end well. He got up from the bed and walked towards the window. I could hear him sigh and run his hand through his hair. He was thinking something, maybe was bothered about something.

Then he turned back to me, his eyes not leaving the darker shade. "Was that intentional?" He asked. Intentional? What?

I gave him a confused look. Me asking question about my future plans? Of course, that was intentional, I want to know about me, I want to learn about me.

"The accident, Alyssa."

And I understood what he was thinking all this time. That one question that I thought he'd never ask is finally brought up by him. All this time, I thought, at least he believed me when I said I remembered nothing from that night, but I guess he doubts on me.

"The fuck Landon." I got up from the bed as well, anger building up inside me. "How could you even think of that?"

He walked to me and placed his hand on my shoulder, trying to calm me down before the anger inside me emerged in some different emotion which would lead to disbalance in my health. "I don't know, I just..it slipped out of my mouth." He tried to explain it to me. Now that his eyes were back to normal, I knew mine was burning.

"Because you had it in your head. You thought about it and that is why you asked me that." I stated. I didn't want to argue, but I just couldn't shut up. "All this time, you must have thought about the probabilities of all the things that could've happened that night and one of your theory must've been this."

He opened his mouth to speak, but I shut him up. "Intentional?" I asked him. "Did I intentionally hurt myself? Did I intentionally do something that led me to ruin my life in this way?"

After everything that has happened, I'm nothing but a brainless human.

"You should be more precise with your questions, Landon." I hissed. "Because if this was intentional, my only intentions might have been to hurt myself, injure my own body and look, I've succeeded."

"Alyssa, I didn't mean it that way." He stated. "Whatever you meant was that you accused me of trying to commit something that you know I'd never do. You're accusing me to be an attempter of suicide."

As soon as the word slipped my mouth, I gave in. A tear fell on my cheek and I knew, there was no going back after this. Before he could explain himself anymore, I walked out of the room. I don't want to talk to him, it will only lead to more fights and I don't want that. Whatever he meant, I'm sure about one thing...other people believe it too.

***

We were having dinner together. Me, Dad and my brother who accused me of being a suicide attempter. He tried to talk to me about earlier, but I ignored him. So much has happened today and I don't want to add more incidents to ruin my day.

Karen served me mushroom soup as I looked up, I had two pair of eyes on me. I raised my brow at them and dad cleared his throat.

"What is the matter sweetheart?" He asked, placing a hand on mine that rested on the dining table.

"Don't call me sweetheart if you are here to be Landon's advocate." I know I was being rude, but I just couldn't help. Landon sighed while dad assured him to keep his mind calm.

"I'm nobody's advocate, Alyssa. I'm his dad as much as I'm yours." Dad spoke in his defence. I feel bad for him, he has to deal with me and Landon, all together. Well, I can be a good kid sometimes, can't promise the same for my brother.

"Did something happen at school?" He asked, avoiding the topic of Landon. Their eyes were set on me, waiting for me to speak something, anything that could describe the uneasiness in my mood.

"Who is Hope Coleman?"

As soon as the name slipped out of my mouth, I watched them exchange worried looks, just like my friends did back in school. What is the matter? Who is the girl? What is wrong with Hope Coleman?

"Who told you about her?" Landon asked, his voice turning hoarse like he struggled to not speak some unwanted words.

"The principal did. He called everyone at the auditorium to talk about her. She was some excellent student and was going to make the school very proud, but before she could do it, she left. I don't exactly know where she went exactly, but it has been six months to her departure and everybody seemed bothered about that." I declared. Was she the leader of school who everybody loved? Just like they loved Aurora?

"She was...yeah, she.." Landon tried to find the right words. Maybe tried to come up with a new story, so that I could shut my mouth and not ask any more questions.

"I need the truth." I stated. They again exchanged glances and it became hard for me to cope up with their secretive gesture. I want to know what they know, I want to be a part of this secret as well.

"Where did she go?" I turned my gaze to dad. I know he won't lie, he'll feel me with the truth. "Who is she?" I asked the next question as he sat there, not meeting his eyes with mine. My heart was heavy by now, I needed answers. I can't be clueless forever. Was she related to me? Is she even for real? I mean, is she alive, breathing or is she...

"Dead?" The last word slipped out of my mouth and I heard a spoon fall on the floor that scared me and I jumped in fear. Landon picked it up and placed on the table. I tried to calm my heart that was racing fast.

"You know what.." I started off. "You all are the same. Do you guys want to keep me in the dark? Fine, do it. I don't give a fuck. I'm going to find the truth, I'm going to solve the mystery of my past. You and everybody else, you guys treat me like I'm a child, but I'm not. I'm an eighteen-year-old girl who can take care of herself." I banged at the table and I'm sure something hurt my hand but I didn't care at the moment.

I wanted to run away, I wanted to get out of the house. Nothing is at peace, nobody is at calm. Aurora knew it well before I could feel it. Those words, that actually describe my feelings right now. I'm not at calm, I'm chaos in my head.

I heard Landon call out my name as I ran out of the house. I needed to breathe, my doctor asked me not to panic and be brave all the time. Be brave? Is that even an advice for someone like me? How can I be brave? How I can be brave when I don't even know what the actual fuck is wrong with me. All I know is that I'm a misfit in the present, I can't cope up, I can't ask others to live with me in my past, I can't be selfish. New rules for life: don't be selfish.

***

12 o'clock.

I've never been out for this long, at this hour of the night. Dad and Landon were worried for sure. I've been walking for more than thirty minutes now. I don't know where I am, all I know is that this street is nowhere around my house. All I could hear were the church bells ringing from somewhere and I had no church near my house. I'm away from my home and I like it. I like the fact that I can get out of my house without the assistance of my older brother who happens to be an ass right now. This walk alone brought calmness in me, now I can think straight. I know I shouldn't have reacted that way, Landon and Dad only want to see good in me, they won't bring me any harm. But ever since I've woke up again, everything feels heavy in my head, my brain isn't clear about things and facts and that is why I react the way I do.

My phone kept buzzing after everything minute, indicating me there was either a call or a message. I didn't want to receive any calls, I didn't want to answer any message. I needed to be alone.

I stopped.
I couldn't walk anymore.
I was tired.

Before me, was a beautiful building, old stone and stained glass, the home of God. I don't remember if I ever was a worshipper of Jesus or an atheist, but right now, walking in the church and talking to Jesus might help me find answers to my life.

In life, we never are away from God in any form. We always have him in our thoughts, in our heart, be it during the good times or the bad one's, but we always remember him. I'm doing the same right now, I'm remembering him for my own sake.

As I entered the church, I breathed in the smell of dying flowers. It's midnight and the church is as silent as dead. The smell was everything, even with the dying flowers, they felt fresh. The fog was complimentary adding suspense in silence. I couldn't find the Father, he must have gone somewhere. The only light coming was from the few old lamps hanging on the wall and the moonlight from the windows above.

All the chairs were empty until my eyes landed on the fifth row on the right. I could see a figure seated on the wooden chair. There was someone, praying with their gaze in the front where Jesus rested on the cross. I walked towards the person and I know he sensed my presence. I still couldn't see his face, but his back was muscular, even with the black jacket on, I know the guy must have been working out to have those broad shoulders.

I took a seat on the same wooden oak chair that was long enough to accommodate at least six-seven people.

I closed my eyes and prayed to Jesus. Folding my hands together in front of him, I bowed and prayed my prayer.

"I don't know who I am, I don't remember myself. I need someone to help me, I need someone to hold me. I want this suffering to end, I don't want to be this girl anymore. Everything suffocates me, my mind is havoc, I can't rest at ease, I need this pain to go."

I didn't realize I was describing Aurora's feeling from the journal. Yes, I felt the same way right now, but what Aurora described in the journal felt more like giving up on life, but I don't want to give up. I want to start again, I want disclosures, I want an end to the misery of this just to start something new.

"It will never go away."

I opened my eyes and found the same guy, the one who helped me at the cafe, the guy who handed me the book and walked out abruptly, the same guy who looked at me like I was someone from his side of the story like I belonged in his tale. The same guy who has beautiful oceanic eyes, the damned eyes.

I was confused, what will never go away? What does he mean?

"The pain." He stated, not meeting his eyes with mine. He was looking at Jesus, he wasn't looking at me. I had all my attention to him, his side profile even more alluring from the light coming through the windows and the fog making him look like an angel in the church. Is he really here? Is this a dream?

"The suffering never ends. It only goes away with the end of your life." He spoke. His voice was low like he was talking to himself more than me like he was trying to explain the truth of life to himself and not to the world.

"I can't end my life." I whispered. I can't prove Landon to be right, I can't let him believe that whatever he thought about me was true, I'm not suicidal.

I felt his gaze on me, he was finally looking at me. What is with his eyes that take me to some other world? It's just me and him, nobody else. Is this even okay to feel such emotion for someone you hardly know but you think you've known them forever? What is happening to me?

I could see through his eyes. There was a kind of calm, yet so much pain in them, he was trying hard not to lose his calm. His kind of eyes is those which hide everything in them, every secret of life. But at the same time, I felt like he has the most honest eyes. I shouldn't feel this way, I shouldn't describe a stranger's eyes like they are the most beautiful thing in the world. I SHOULD STOP!

His eyes landed on my hand and they turned narrow, worry and concern displayed in his eyes. "You're bleeding." He said.

"Yeah right, my soul is bleeding." I stated, trying not to laugh at my pathetic joke because he didn't laugh. He had a straight face, not carrying a single emotion.

"Right now, your hand is bleeding." He ignored my comment and stated. "I have my own blood in my hand." I stated.

He tried hard not to roll his eyes. I know I can be a pain in the ass, but I don't want to scare him away. He handed me a white cloth. "Tie it around the wound." He stayed. It was a handkerchief. I did as he said and rolled the clothes around the wound and tied a knot to secure it from falling, the blood was dry already. I might've hurt myself when I banged at the table angrily. I didn't even realize until he brought that up. It didn't hurt, or else I would've known.

"Doesn't matter if you have somebody else's blood in your hand. You won't remember it."

I heard him when I was busy tieing the clothes around my palm. What did he just say? I won't remember what?

"Do you know me?" I asked. I wanted to know if he knew me in the past if we ever met in the past. "Everybody in the town knows you." I heard him say. His voice was quite low.

"Not everyone, do you know me?" I asked again. I didn't care about everyone, I know people in the town know me because they like to pity me, show how worried they are about my situation.

I saw him shift a little away from me. I wanted him near me. "I knew the old you, Alyssa." He said. The way he said my name, it made me wonder if I've caused him some pain, there was such heaviness in the way he called my name, but I liked it.

"Is the new version different from the old Alyssa?" I needed to know, I needed to understand myself. If he says that he knew the old me, that means he must've known facts about me, about my life.

He didn't say a word. I waited for an answer, but he decided to not to speak anything.

"Thank you." I spoke. He again met his eyes with mine and I could feel the tingling effect in my stomach, whatever it was, the feeling was new. "For saving me from walking into that door of the cafe."

He only kept looking at me, his eyes saying something I couldn't understand, while his lips were dry. If he doesn't speak up, I'm not going to understand what he is feeling right now. He looks calm but his eyes are burning.

"Also for the book. My friends told me that was one of my favourites back then and I couldn't recall reading it. Well, of course." I let out a giggle. "So I had to read it again. Jamie said I had a copy of it, but I lost it or something. Do you know Jamie?" I asked him. He nodded. "Yeah, she is my best friend. I only remember her and Neil as my best friends, but not the other three. They say they've been my friends as well, but I couldn't remember them."

"You don't remember other people as well."

"Excuse me?" I asked. Did he say something? He definitely did. I heard him whisper something. "You've been friends with Skye, Elizabeth and Zach for long."

"Four years, I guess. That is why I don't remember." I stated. That is the truth about me, I can't remember them. It is not my fault, I would like to blame my fate for this.

"Four years of my life are gone. I have to pretend as nothing happened and play it along like I'm fine with everything. But how am I supposed to be all right if I've lost something?" I shifted my eyes back to him and found him looking at Jesus again.

"Have you lost something?" I asked. Shit Alyssa. You shouldn't ask this to a stranger. Well, he isn't a stranger, he knows me, he knows my friends.

His face hardened. His eyes went narrow and his face was still, yet his jaw clenching. He couldn't meet his eyes with mine, he didn't want to. Instead, he stood up. The anger in him made me tense up. One moment he was calm, talking to me and the other moment, he was angry about something.

What did I do wrong?

He walked out of the row, ready to leave the Church. "Hey wait." I stood up from the bench too and walked after him. He didn't stop, just kept walking, avoiding me. I know he can hear me, of course, he can. There is not much gap between us as I walked after him, but he just won't stop.

"Listen to me." I tried to stop him. Why is he walking away? Before I could hold his hand and stop him, he was already out of the church. I couldn't even get his name. He knows me, he knows about my past but I don't even know his name.

He didn't say if the old version was different than the new Alyssa. He didn't even answer that. Why is he keeping me in dark just like others? I don't even know him and yet he decided to talk to me when I didn't need anyone. I wanted to be alone, he was alone too, yet we talked and I couldn't know him. All I did was kept talking about me, my problems, but I never asked him why he was here at this time. He didn't look okay, he was not OKAY. Something about him was off, he shouldn't be here at this time. Something must've bothered him, just like I was bothered with my thoughts. The church is not a place to hang out, not for a guy like him, so why was he here? What is his story?

I walked back to the bench to get my phone when I found a book placed on the same bench. He must've left it here. He always has a book with him, at school, in the bookstore and also at the cafe. This book has to be his.

The Kite Runner

The cover page had a boy's back holding a spool, with a blue background while the name of the book printed in red colour and the author's name in violet.

I opened the book and the first page was blank, so I opened the last page which had nothing but just a name written at the end of the page with a black marker. It has to be his name, the book belongs to him, so the name has to belong to the blue-eyed guy.

Kyle.

***

Kyle.
I couldn't get his name out of my mind. I tried to think of a name in the back of my head, to recall if I knew him as he knows me. But nothing, I don't remember this name. Maybe he was right, he knew me just like everyone else in the town does. That is why he knows about my friends because everybody knows my story.

Kyle.
It is a beautiful name. Can names be beautiful? Dad always told me I have a beautiful name, a unique one. Aurora's name wasn't unique, but it means Dawn and dad said, when she was born, it felt like his life was out of the dark. Before dad had the three of us, things were not okay in his and mom's life, they had a rough time being together for some months. But ever since Aurora came in their life, things started setting back to normal. So dad named her dawn, light of rising in their life. Then came Landon and then me.

I googled the meaning of my name.

Alyssa means madness.

Woah, google, hang there. Don't be so upfront. That is rude.

There are different meanings to the name. It's funny how one name can have so many meanings, just like how one person can have different stories. Well, Alyssa means a cure to madness. It can't be. I can't be a cure for my madness. It is said that the name says a lot of the person, and yes, my name says everything about me, about my madness.

I wrote his name in Aurora's journal. I'm currently reading another page of her life that she has narrated and so I wrote his name on the last page where she had some other names mentioned. I could recognize some names, one belonged to her best friend, some were of her ex's, mine and Landon's name, dad's name while some I couldn't recognize. Maybe she shared something with those people as well, something special to have their names in her journal, that is supposed to be her secret.

When I was brought back home from the hospital, Nina gave me a box saying that Aura send me this gift. When I opened the box, there were seven books, all old in their cover and three journals. She also had a letter attached to the box. The letter is in the journal, I took it and opened it. It was nicely written on the white paper. I've read this letter six times, seventh now counting.

Dear little sister,

I don't say it enough and I don't think I ever possibly could, but I love you. I love you a lot, actually. I don't know how I got so lucky to have you in my life. After Landon, when mom and dad announced that we were going to have another sibling, I was terrified, I didn't want another one running around the house. But when I finally saw you for the first time, I knew you were the best thing in my life. Don't say this to Landon, he believes I love him more, but my dear Alora, I've loved you the most.

When you get this, know that something has happened and it was not good, it was very bad and after everything, you'll feel like giving up. DON'T...PLEASE DON'T. Your life doesn't end there, you have to carry on. I may be gone, but I'll always be with you. I'm with you. Close your eyes and call me just like you used to, I'll be there in a blink of an eye.

You are strong, even on the days you think you aren't and you can handle anything that is thrown your way, even on the days you think you cannot.

Don't doubt yourself, you're amazing. You're my Supergirl and you have the power to fight the world, fight your own demons.

I am away, I know you need me. So I'm leaving these journals for you. I started writing them when I thought I had nothing left in life. You know what I was going through, you know what changed me. But now you also know, everything is all right, I'm fine, I'm where I should be and I'm happy here. Do not worry about me. I'll always look after you. This journal will tell you everything about me, everything that you need to know. This journal has my life explained in it and I hope you solve it because once you do, I know you'll love me more.

I know you're angry that you don't get to see me, but trust me, I'm on the other side of the story, waiting for you to find me.

Take care of yourself, you're an adult now. After everything that has happened, I know you'll be a little scared for a new start, but don't be. YOU'VE GOT THIS. YOU'RE BRAVE.

I love you, my sweet Maeve.

The letter ended with her signature, she had a habit of leaving a signature whenever she wrote to me from the Uni. Aurora Sylvie, she would write. She loved her middle name. Maybe that is why I loved the book The Bell Jar because the author had the same name as her middle name.

Aurora called me Alora, I remember that as well. It was a combination of our names. Al from Alyssa and Ora from Aurora. I called her Aura because whenever she was around, there was a calmness in the atmosphere. She made everything so easy, it was like she had some magic in her, some power that everything around her was so happy and cheering. She had that vibe, that Aura. She really is a light in our dark life.

She wrote this after what happened with me, because the letter says when I get this, something must've happened, that means she wrote this after my accident. She wanted to be with me, but she couldn't and she knows I'm angry at her. I just have to close my eyes and she'll be here, with me, just like how she promised.

I miss you Aura.

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