▪▪▪

Sweetheart, family is all that matters in the end. You can be far away from your family, but never without them.

Grandma explained to us the meaning of family when we three siblings had an extreme fight. Landon hit Aurora with a rock which ended up her bleeding on her forehead. I was enraged at him, so I hit him with a wooden bat while we were playing cricket. All of us were badly hurt - as in retaliation, Landon pushed me and I fell on a concrete road injuring my knee. Grandma was home during summer days. She witnessed our brawl and was disappointed in us. Mostly in Landon as he hurt his sisters and did not apologise for his mistakes.

Landon was so mad that he wanted to run away from home. He wished to never see me and Aurora again. He thought we both ganged up against him and everybody was angry at him because of us. We tried explaining to him, begged him not to leave because we felt awful. I thought I'd lose him forever. He was so mad that he said he'd live with Aunt Nancy and her kids. Aunt Nancy was Mom's sister and her kids were bad, very bad. They never got along with us. So when Landon said he could live with those kids and not us, it hurt me. It made me feel like I was nastier than our cousins. I didn't want to be bad, I wanted to be his good sister.

So I ran to Grandma and pleaded her to stop Landon. He'd only listen to her. She called us three into her room and made us sit in front of her. All of us were ashamed of our deeds. When she explained to us the mistakes that we made, we three ended up crying and resolved our problems.

Never without them.

I tried running away from family, but in the end - like that day, I felt the guilt of being the bad person. I did not want to hurt Landon, even if he had hurt me badly. I didn't want to be without him. Those nine days without Landon and Dad were the most dreadful ones. I knew I was being a bitch, trying hard to prove my innocence, but in all of that, I knew I was hurting my family. Especially Dad - he must've suffered the most. I gave him a cold shoulder, Landon was mostly away from home. Dad only had me around and I left him. He must've gone through a hard time when I was in the hospital, but I didn't think about it once and left home like it was the right thing to do. But no - I was wrong. I shouldn't have left. I should've stayed and been there with them like they were with me when I needed them the most. All of everything that they hid from me, was for my good health. They had no bad intention in their deeds. Whatever they did, they did it for me, for family.

I was pulled back from my thoughts when my phone rang. The caller ID showed Dr. Payton's office number.

Shit.
What day is it?
Fuck.

I answered the call. "Hello?"

I think I might have missed my appointment.

"Hello, Miss Pearson. We hope you're doing good." The receptionist from the other side stated in her welcoming tone.

"Yes, I'm good. Thank you." I declared.

"I'm calling to check up on you as you missed your appointment for today. Dr. Payton is worried about you."

It was today.
Oh, God.
How can I be so irresponsible?

"I'm so sorry, I was stuck with some work. Can I reschedule it?" I asked her. I should meet him today. I have to meet him before I return home.

"Sure. What day will the appointment work for you?"

"Maybe - today?" I asked, not sure if she'd consider me an idiot that I missed my morning routine and am asking for another slot the same day.

"Let me ask the Doctor. Can I put you on hold?" She asked politely. I nodded. The call immediately went on hold. I waited for her to return.

I need some answers. Maybe Dr. Payton can help me.

She returned on call. "Miss Pearson. Will you be able to come by in thirty minutes? Dr. Payton has no appointments for the next hour."

I told her it will be fine with me. Anyway, I had nothing to do.

"Okay great. I'm scheduling your appointment after thirty minutes." She declared and ended the call stating that I'll receive a message about the same.

Placing the phone back in my pocket, I decided to leave a message to Brett about my appointment. I asked him to take a break. I needed some time to myself. He replied stating that he'll meet me at Doctor's office. He did not want me to go alone. But I asked him not to be here, it could take me time to talk to doctor. I didn't want him to wait for me.

As I started walking, I tried remembering all that happened in the past two weeks. I haven't been to my session in two weeks. The last appointment was before I went to the camp. I asked Doctor to change schedules from every one week to every two weeks because I was recovering. Dad and Landon were against that thought, but I assured them I was okay. Maybe now I'll need his session every two days. I'm not okay and I know that I need help. I need assistance, not just any but medical. I cannot keep denying the fact that missing my daily pills is working its side effects on my health.

I reached to Doctor's office in ten minutes and walked upstairs. The receptionist welcomed me with a warm smile and I greeted her back. She asked me to wait in the waiting hall as Dr. Payton received an important call. I walked to the waiting hall and took a seat on the light grey couch. Everything in this office is either grey, blue or white. Dr. Payton's main office has different colours. He said it helps patients to think of a warm environment when they walk in for a check-up.

I felt the presence of someone and as I looked up from my phone, I met my eyes with the brown ones - my favourite in the whole world. He looked exhausted. The bandage on his forehead and the plaster on his hand made him look older than his age, he has grown in last week - but negatively.

"What are you doing here?" I asked. I didn't even stand up from the couch. I was surprised to see him here. He walked to me and took a seat next to me.

"You may have missed the morning appointment, I didn't forget. I couldn't be ignorant with your schedules." He asserted, not meeting his eyes with mine as he tossed his phone back and forth.

I had my eyes on him. From afar, he looked okay when I saw him in the morning, but right now, when he is so close to me, I can see how broken he looks. Physical change in him shows that he has had days even worse than I have. It was all because of me and yet here he is, as always, with me.

"It slipped out of my mind." I declared.

"But I did not forget. I wasn't supposed to message you, but I was sure - you'd remember. Guess I was wrong."

Every word from his mouth made me feel awful. It hurt my heart to see him hurting, even if he showed that he was okay.

"You were wrong about a lot of things, Landon," I mumbled. I didn't mean to taunt him, I only wanted him to know that his words mattered to me, he matters to me.

Silence engulfed us as he shut his eyes and took a short breath. I still had my eyes on him.

"How are you?" I asked. He opened his eyes and faced me. As soon as he met his eyes with mine, I felt my heart ache.

"What do you think should I say?" He asked me. "Do I lie?"

I shook my head. "I don't want you to lie to me, Landon."

His eyes went soft, wrinkles formed on his forehead as soon as I said that. He took my hand in his, I didn't flinch at his touch. I wanted him to embrace me, but maybe he was scared of my reactions.

"Things about me can wait. Right now, your health is more important."

"I don't want this to be about me." I declared.

"It is about you, this session is yours." He expressed. Before I could say anything, the receptionist walked to us and asked me to meet Dr. Payton. Landon let my hand go and I stood up. I turned to face him.

"Aren't you coming?"

He shook his head. "You should talk to him in private. I don't want to invade your session." He stated. "I'll wait here."

I wanted him to come with me, but he said it will help me talk honestly to Doctor. He said I must have a lot of questions in my mind that were needed to be cleared. I nodded and walked after the receptionist. She opened the door for me and I walked into his office. Dr. Payton welcomed me with a smile. I took a seat on the chair in front of him.

"How are you feeling today, Alyssa?" He asked after greeting me a good afternoon.

"A little okay." I stated. It was true. I tried amending things with Jamie, I talked to Brett, Skye and Zach. I left Tania's house after a whole week. I tried to heal myself from the news that broke me.

"Are you sure? I can understand that the past week must've been hard on you."

I gave him a confused look. How does he know?

"I talked to Landon this morning when you failed to show up. He told me everything. Did you miss the session because you wanted to avoid it?"

I shook my head. "I forgot about the session. I wouldn't miss it."

"Let me first apologise to you. I'm sorry that I knew about everything but I could never state the truth. I was in no stand to say the truth. You should've known it from someone from your family. I understand that it was harsh on you the way you found out about it. None of us wanted it to be that way. But you chose that path. You left your house alone to meet the judge. You should've trusted your family, Alyssa."

I wanted to protest myself, but no word came out of my mouth. Everything that he said was right.

"One wrong decision led to all the mess. You shouldn't have lost your patience. It led to your bad health, Landon's accident and everything else that happened in this past week." He stated. His stare was intense. He didn't want to be tough on me, he only wanted me to understand the whole situation.

"So, how are you feeling now?" He asked. "I want you to be honest."

I struggled to find the right words to explain what I was feeling. My brother and best friend's betrayal, the truth about my accident, the truth about everyone close to me, Arthur's running away, Landon's accident - everything overwhelmed me, it scared me. After everything that has happened - I am afraid of every passing moment, what if the next brought another bad news? I'm already broken, there is no place for any more of my heart's piece to shatter. I cannot bear any more bad news.

"I don't think I'll ever be okay," I mumbled, but of course, he heard me as the silence in the room was sought for my words to be louder.

"That is not true." He stated. He was trying to sympathise. That was his job, his duty.

"It is my truth." I looked up at him. "The truth about the night of the accident has killed me. I'm not sure if I'm alive anymore. I think I died the moment the judge said that I took a life that night." I tried not to cry. I tried to stay strong. "None of you understand this and probably will never do - but I don't think I feel anything now."

"This is remorse, Alyssa. This is your repentance. You are punishing yourself by not feeling anything. But deep down, you do feel. You know you feel you've been wronged - by your family and friends. You know you don't want to feel anything and that is why you're trying to block any more pain. But Alyssa, you can never turn off your emotions. You're not a robot. You're a human being. You feel things, you feel feelings. You just cannot switch off your emotions."

"I said I'm not alive anymore." I raised my voice at him. I didn't want to, but his words annoyed me. I wasn't trying to switch off my emotions. It was no more in my hand to fall anything.

"You say you've died. But no - there will always be hurdles in life, Alyssa. You can't just declare that you're dead. Have you wondered what will happen to your family when you say that?" He asked me.

My heart ached again.

Why did he have to bring my family into this? They kept the truth from me because they knew, it would kill me. So here I am - not alive anymore, just living.

"Can you give me something to numb this pain?" I asked, avoiding his question. I just want the pills and exit. I don't want to talk about feelings and emotions. I feel nothing.

He had a disappointed look on his face. I know he had a lot to say, but he knew it too - it would be of no use.

"You cannot rely upon the medicines, Alyssa."

I narrowed my eyes at him. What have I been doing all these months? Haven't I been depending on the medicines, the pills? I'm nothing without those pills. I need them.

"Please Doctor. I need them." My eyes started getting teary, the doctor in front of me came as blurred to me.

"No, you don't. You like the thought of having those pills. You did not need them before a few weeks. You said it yourself. You hate the pills. They make you weak. You don't -"

"Don't fucking tell me that I don't need those pills." I banged my hand on his table as I stood up. He was taken aback by my actions. "I cannot survive without them."

"You don't need them." He said it again. "You say you're dead, so why are you relying on the pills anyway?"

His question shook me. I know he said that to show me the truth of my shallowness. He said it to be blunt. But he was right. If I'm already dead, I don't need those pills. He is right.

"Guess what Doc, a dead never needs a treatment." Having said that, I walked out of his office. He called me to listen to him, but I refused to stop. I didn't even wait for Landon. I rushed out of the building. The cold breeze of November hit my face, letting the tears roll down. I wiped away the tears, but they fell again - reminding me that even if I'm dead, I'll always carry these tears. They've become an identity of me.

"Alyssa, Wait." I heard my brother call me. I started walking in the opposite direction of where I came from. I needed to get away from here. The hollow feeling scrambled back in my heart as I realised - I don't have any pills left. If Doctor Payton does not prescribe the pills, I'll be unable to get them. Those pills need a doctor's prescription every time someone buys them. He knew that, he knew how dependent I was on him for the pills, yet he chose to ignore my condition and let me suffer.

I was pulled back by my arm as I walked. My hand rested on his chest, as he grabbed me through my arm.

"Leave me. Let go of me." I hit on his chest, not bothering if it hurt him. He held me tighter as I struggled to escape from his grip. I continued punching on his chest, as I was already a mess with all the crying. I didn't, 't care if I made a joke out of myself in the middle of the road. I was already a fool to everyone.

"What is wrong with you?" He screamed in my face, trying to bring me back to my senses as I was not present there. "Look at me, Alyssa."

I tried in all the strength that I had and pushed him. His hand slipped off my arm as he stepped back. I glared at him for causing me pain.

"Can't you see already?" I yelled. I wiped away the tears and took a deep breath. "I'm fucked, for god's sake. Everything about me is wrong. I - How could you, Landon." I shot him another glare as he still stood blur in my vision. "How could you do all that to me?"

I gave up, I fell on the road as I wept my heart out. I was burning inside, my heart was crying a thousand tears. Everything that I've been enduring since the last few days, came back in flood. It couldn't hold the door to my heart to keep the hurt out, I'm already weak.

He kneeled and tried taking me in his arms, but I pushed him, yet again. I didn't want to be in his arms. I hate his embrace.

"I'm sorry, Alyssa. I'm so sorry." His voice was shaky and I knew he was crying too. I know my brother. He could never see me crying. Landon is the strongest person I know, but when it came to me - he was the weakest, everyone knew how I was his frailty.

"Please Landon, I cannot bear this. Tell me the truth, why did you have to hurt me in the worst possible way?"

I needed my answers. I decided to go home so that I could confront Landon and Dad about everything, about my past.

"Ally, I can never even think of hurting you, causing you any kind of pain -"

"But you did."

He hung his head low as I said that. Then he looked back up as his eyes met mine, he was crying, tears in his eyes must've made it hard for him to focus on me.

"It was all for you. The pain that you're enduring, has been our torment for months. Why would we want you to feel this pain?" He asked me? "Why would we want you to go through hell when we know what it feels like? None of this was in our hands, Alyssa. Since the first day, we tried protecting you from your nightmare, we tried everything to keep you away from the truth - yes I know we shouldn't have and it was your right to know. But how could we ever tell you the truth that could be the death of you?" He asked me, he begged me to understand. "We almost lost you that night, Alyssa. Three months brought us the most pain, been there but not able to do anything. We were helpless. You were right in front of our eyes, but we couldn't do anything to bring you back."

He took my hand in his, I did not pull it back.

"You're my everything, Ally. Telling you the truth meant declaring your punishment for what happened. It wasn't your fault. We know you'd never do something like that. It was an accident. We lost you that night, w almost lost you. So when you started healing again, we didn't want you to suffer any more pain. I know it was a selfish motive, but it was all for you. You are my world. How could I bring myself to tell you the truth about your past? How could I see you dying with your truth right in front of me?"

As he stated his pleadings, I let out a yelp. He took me in his arms, I did not flinch away this time. He wept on my shoulder as I cried in his arms.

"I'm sorry Alyssa. But all that I did, I did it for you."

He rubbed my back as I tried calming myself. Whatever he said, made sense. They've been there since day one. They saw me in my bad times, they stood by me. I was in no position to make decisions for myself. Dad and Landon did what they thought was right for me. Yet, with all the trying to keep my heart safe - it has shattered into million pieces. In all the efforts of keeping me away from pain, the truth - it has completely broken me from inside.

I pulled back from his embrace. He wiped away his tears. "Please come back home. I can't live without you. Dad is a mess without you. Karen is not the same. The house is nothing without you, Alyssa. You're our home."

"It is not that easy for me." I declared. I cannot just forgive them. It will take me forever to overcome this truth, I may never heal from the truth.

"I promise we will keep no more secrets from you. I promise all your questions will be answered."

The sincerity in his eyes weakened me. I knew I was going to give in and rush back in my family's arms as if all of the sufferings, their betrayal never happened.

He stood up and helped me get up. He dusted away the mud off my clothes. He held me by my arms as I would collapse again on the floor.

"You can take all your time. I know we've caused you a lot of pain. It's okay if you don't want to forgive us, but please - come back home." He begged me.

I pulled him in my arms, I embraced my brother as he gave in. He cried in my arms, all the burden that he was carrying on his shoulder, he let it go, he released it off in my arms.

"I missed you." I mumbled in his chest. He rested a kiss on my head, as we pulled away.

He took my hand and we walked towards his car that was parked across the street. He opened the door for me as I stepped in and he took the driver's seat. Turning on the ignition, he started driving towards home. The home that I left two weeks ago, promising to never return.

But I'm back to zero - from where everything started. I know the truth and nothing else. I know he promised to tell me everything, but I also know that I can never bear the whole truth.

The silence in the car gave me enough time to reconsider my decision of returning home. As much I wanted to run away, I need my brother's arm, I need my dad's embrace because everything is just too heavy for me. I cannot live with the truth alone, I can not be on my own.

▪▫

I stood in front of my home, battling through my thoughts that begged me to run as far as I could. I didn't want to run anymore though. Landon stood beside me as I had my eyes glued to the main door of the house.

This doesn't feel like home.

I thought to myself. No matter how much I try to get past the truth, the voice inside me reminds me every time that I'll never be without this truth anymore. It had become my identity. The truth now defined me.

I took a step forward and could feel Landon's eyes on me. He intertwined his hand with mine as we walked towards the door. He knocked on the door and I could feel myself failing to stand straight. How will I face Dad and Karen? The last time I was home, I ran away from them. They begged me to stop, but I did not listen to them. When I left the house last time - I was oblivious of what my life had planned for me. Now here I am, returning home with the truth that defines my life.

The door was received by Karen and as soon as her eyes landed on me, she was shocked. It took her a minute to realize that I really was standing in front of her eyes. He wasted no time then and pulled me in her arms. I did not hug her back. I wished for her to become a part of our family, I hoped for her to be my mother - but a mother never lies to her child. Karen kept the truth from me. She was the closest to me in the past months but she never told me the truth.

She pulled away from the hug when she realized that I wasn't going to give in to her embrace. Tears fell on her beautiful face as she wiped them away and took my hand in her. "I - I don't, I -" she tried finding the right words. Karen was never the one to go speechless. "Alyssa, please - please forgive me. I'm so sorry about everything."

I did not say a word. I just kept looking at her and thought - how could I never find the truth in her eyes? She carried all of her truth in her eyes, she carried mine as well. How could I never read her face?

She stepped aside and let me in. I walked inside the house and it felt all new. When I returned from the hospital, it felt like I left the house last night. But right now - it feels like I'm standing in a new house, which never was mine.

As I looked around me, I felt like I was in a stranger's house. I could not pick a single memory of me in this house. Everything felt peculiar. 

I heard the door open and as I turned, I faced the old man, the owner of the house. The one who brought me into this world to see this day. The man, my father.

His eyes shone as tears formed in his little eyes, wrinkles making him look ten years older than his actual age. He has grown older in two weeks, he had gotten weaker.

He rushed to me and took me in his arm. Like Karen or Landon, I did not give into his embrace. His hug felt like a foreign embrace today. He cried in our embrace. He wept as he let out his soft cries as he poured his heart out in my arm.

He pulled back from the hug and was about to collapse on the floor when I held his arm. Land of held his other arm, as he wept.

"My child. Why did you leave me?" He mumbled as he stumbled on words. He cupped my face and planted kisses on my forehead. "Why did you run away from your father's arms?"

I didn't want to see him in such pain, but what could I do - I felt like I was not the child he was crying for. I felt like I was someone else. 

"I'm sorry." I mumbled. I couldn't bring myself to say anything else. I had no words left to say.

"I know you can never forgive me for the pain that I've caused you, but my sweet child - the agony of the thought of losing you has killed my soul." He super away his tears and stated. His eyes, those were once shining bright, are dull now. I've caused so much pain to my father that I cannot recognise him anymore. "Please - Please Alyssa, never leave me again."

A tear rolled down my eyes.

Landon rubbed dad's arm as he begged me to forgive him. How could a child ever forgive his parent? Were children ever suppose to go through this? This is the worst nightmare of any child, his parent begging for his forgiveness. Parents are everything for their children, they are their world. Dad is my world, he has always been my home.

I gave in and rushed in his arms, he took me in his embrace. We both cried as we begged for each other's forgiveness. He asked me to forgive him for all the pain that they've caused me, for keeping me in the dark. I cried for his forgiveness for not being the best daughter to him. I ran away, I ignored my father, I blamed him for everything - when I knew that whatever he did, he did for his daughter.

We pulled away from each other's arms and he wiped away the tears from my eyes with his thumb. He rested a kiss on my forehead with a weak smile, the smile that he always carried, the smile that melts my heart.

"You should get some rest, Ally." Landon suggested. I nodded. I have had a rough day, well - I can't complain, all of these days were the same.

I told them I'll get some rest and in the evening, we could sit together and have dinner. The happiness in their eyes yet brought the guilt back in me, the guilt of hurting them. The remorse of being the one to cause them pain.

I walked upstairs and into my room. Closing the door behind me, I collapsed on the floor as I whimpered. All of everything was heavy on me, I knew I was never strong enough to face all of this. The mess of my life, the reality of my truth - it was all a lot for me to deal with.

I let my heart cry for a few minutes, I knew I needed this. I must be home, but I feel so new here. With all the newness around, I think I might've forgotten who I was two weeks ago. I am not the same Alyssa, I'm not Landon's sister or my Dad's daughter. I don't know who I am anymore.

Standing up, I walked to my bed and took my phone out. A note fell from my pocket. I picked up the note and opened it, in fear of reading the harsh words that I've been receiving every fourth day. Whoever this person was, they wanted to make sure that I suffered in every possible way. These notes were always linked to everything that happened around me. They brought me anxious thoughts, they made me doubt myself. These notes scare me.

The font was different this time, it wasn't the regular one. The person called me a bitch - they clearly accused me of being a bad person. Why am I asked what were they supposed to feel? How would I ever know who the person is?

You know the truth.

Yes, I do.

Yet - I'm helpless.
I don't know the whole truth.
How will I ever bring myself to find out the whole truth?

I confessed I'm already dead, but all these feelings - yet burn my soul, reminding me that there was still so much for me to suffer. I've taken a life and I don't deserve to have my own. I deserve to pay for my sins, I deserve to be punished.

▫▫▫

Oh God, I know this chapter is bad, very bad. IT SUCKS BIG TIME.

I tried being more creative, but I'm going through writer's block and there is a darkness inside my head, it's blocking all the positivity around me. I cannot think of anything, I cannot write. I feel like I'm someone else right now.

I wish I could make this chapter better. This chapter was supposed to be emotional - the reunion of Landon and Keith with Alyssa was supposed to be sensitive. But I made a joke of them, of myself.

I tried to serve more, but I cannot think of anything. I hope you guys forgive me for this mess.

I was busy this whole month, I couldn't give time to the book. I really wanted to, but I didn't want to rush into things. I'll be more active now.

Also, thank you so much guys - the book has reached 10k reads and it has been an emotional journey for me. I started the book when I felt the lowest in my life. This book gave me a purpose, it brings me a ray of hope to keep going and never stop, because I know even if I don't have anything in life, I'll always have this book.

Special thanks to meema_96 for always being supportive. I couldn't bring myself to start the book without her support. Also, I thank notTayyaba_17 georgiathesloth deviously_innocent book of a writer KusumRajput wear_a_FOOKIN_mask fuckthenewstrain TheMysteriousMaya Cryptic_Snowflake Sumaia_Islam SheZright aditimishra123

(I'm sorry if I missed anybody out) for being the constant readers, for voting and leaving comments on every chapter. I love you guys. 💙