****068:

Aubrey

I stumbled to the corner, called Ben and asked him to pick me up walking down Wilshire. He said he'd be there. I started walking.

Rafe, oh, Rafe! You lied to me.

You lied.

You said you had only found out just a few days ago. You said the calls were the way she'd contacted you. That was a lie. You somehow manage to meet with her. When? How? What did you do with her? How did she get DNA----

I kept walking. It was midday, the sun was actually hot for winter in LA--- I bet it was 80 degrees, drat it. I was used to Montana now. I started sweating instantly, and felt trapped in the stupid business clothes. I pictured Madonna in her sexy hot outfit and felt like puking. Really.

There were palm trees, planted along the sidewalk, crowding my space. I did not want to look at anyone. There was far too much traffic for my taste, and my mood. I wanted to run--- on the beach, or in the mountains, or somewhere far, far away.

Rafe!

It's not the kid.

It's not the premarital sex, or the lifestyle before we met. It's that he tried to hide this particular thing. To me that said he still had feelings for her--- or that he didn't trust me with this knowledge. I hurried. Stalking in my uncomfortable heels. Heels I had never worn--- hated as a matter of fact--- worn just for him.

Argh!

I heard the horn, looked up, heart beating far too fast, breath coming in gasping pants. Ben was there, in his yellow Lamborghini Murchelago, window down. "Need a ride, pretty lady?"

I spied his glasses pushed back on his head, his hair had grown out quite a bit, and was curling around his ears and along his shoulders, his eyes were so compassionate. I threw myself into the car, Ben rolled up the window, and the AC flooded my hot cheeks. He started off quickly, passing the law firm and its black glass windows and golden framing. I deliberately turned away.

"So, it's his kid, huh?"

I hadn't known that Ben knew. Rafe had told me that no one knew. I suppose that no one didn't include his best friend. Somehow I thought I was his best friend. I closed my eyes and took a deep breath.

"No—yes, maybe, I don't know. Somehow Madonna had an illegal paternity test--- and she had seen him to get it--- somehow--- recently----!" My voice rose and I covered my lips with my hand, and stared out the window.

"How do you get an illegal paternity test?" Ben asked disingenuously. I choked on a sob. Sex. Kissing. Cutting his hair. Spending time with him.... Somehow.

"Without consent." I said abruptly, choking.

"And you are running away, why?"

"Because I'm not standing by my man right now. I'm a bad wife."

"You're not a bad wife. You're the best, but you get hit with pieces of his former life pretty regularly." He turned a corner and hit the stop light. "Where are we going?"

I couldn't speak. I sat there stonily, staring ahead without seeing anything.

"Look, he was with her about a year. It was probably a freak thing. Rafe was always very careful. Believe me. He was always lecturing me about being careful. John will take care of things."

The cold air blasted me terribly and I shivered. I'd just done the unthinkable. I'd just run away from Rafe--- for the first time--- I mean--- irreversibly. I'd run before, but--- I'd come back before----before---

Oh--- I wanted him right now. I wanted him to hold me and soothe my troubled mind and be my man while I processed this new development--- but he was the one I was mad at!

And I needed him.

I handled things with him, even things apparently that involved him. My initial reaction might be to run--- but after that--- I wanted him to be my person.

With shaky fingers I pulled my phone out of my purse. It was on silent and when I looked down I saw I had missed several calls, both from Rafe. "Pull over." I instructed quickly.

Ben put on his blinker, giving me a sideways glance.

I dialed.

"Aubrey.... Where are you? God, Aubrey, come back."

I choked again and then cleared my throat. I loved him, I needed him. Right now I did.

"I'm going to the beach, so...."

"What beach? I'm coming to you. I'm done here."

"Okay. Just---."

"Are you on foot? Where are you?"

"I called Ben."

"Ben."

"Yeah, I had to get out of there."

"I know. I get it. Yeah. Okay, have him take you to Redondo. He knows where. Tell him now. I'm not hanging up."

"Ben, can you take me to Redondo Beach?"

"Sure, you guys, sure. The place?"

Rafe's voice on the speaker phone agreed easily. "Aubrey---."

"Rafe!" My tone was so sad--- even in my confusion and regret I could hear the real live sorrow.

"Look, it wasn't----."

"Not now." I said. We stayed on the phone, but no one said anything. After a few minutes Ben said, "Here's the beach--- he's right behind us."

I turned and looked and sure enough the Ferrari was right behind us, and Rafe was white knuckled at the steering wheel. His eyes were dark shadows against the intense sunlight. Ben pulled up and paid to get into the beach and then parked.

"I'm staying." He said simply and firmly.

"That's fine." I agreed, wondering how fine it actually was. Rafe probably wanted to----

He slammed his car door and was to mine. I gave him my hand and he pulled me up. He leaned in before shutting the car door. "Hey, buddy, give me just a second, okay?"

Ben nodded and white knuckled the steering wheel himself. He shut his car off and rolled both windows down.

"Aubrey." He hadn't tried to touch me except for that hand.

I shrugged. "I don't...."

"Pray with me, okay?"

I nodded. He bowed his head, held my hands and we faced each other while he prayed, and it was an incredible prayer. He prayed sincerely for guidance, forgiveness, and discernment. He prayed for us each to speak our minds and understand each other by the spirit. He prayed that our testimonies would be strengthened by this experience. He prayed that our faith could take the heat. He prayed for our children, and for Besarion, who was probably going through hell.

I was moved--- softened. I felt his determination, his righteous desire.

But I still felt weird and betrayed. We needed to talk.

Ben got out of the car. "It's freaking hot out here."

We looked at him and then away. Rafe grunted, his hands on his hips and then rubbing the back of his neck.

"Look, you guys---- this isn't happening. John will take care of the legalities."

"Okay." I said. "But why didn't you tell me you'd met her recently? When did you meet her?"

He looked squarely at me. "New York. I ran into her."

I nodded, thinking back to New York. It had been a whirlwind, a rock star inferno--- interviews, sound checks, rehearsals, sick kids, sick Rafe--- and travel--- it was too much.

"When did you have time?" I blurted.

He still stood away from me, but now Ben had joined us, and he stood close to me, and Rafe was the one on trial. Somewhere inside, I knew that Ben was being protective of me.

"I don't know. I was somewhere--- at the hotel, or--- anyway--- there she was, like she had been going about her business and just--- happened to bump into me, and it was like--- oh, old friends, an old acquaintance, right?"

"No, it was planned, it was contrived. She had no business there."

He was nodding. "In my defense, I run into a lot of old acquaintances and people who want to be old acquaintances. Every day, Aubrey. Every day."

"Old girlfriends, that you've slept with, lived with for over a year? And then you don't mention that kind of thing to your wife?" I cocked my head to the right and glared at him. "Yes, you do. You've mentioned seeing plenty of old acquaintances. It starts out with, 'hey, babe, you'll never guess who I ran into today'. Right?"

"And she somehow collected DNA as she bumped into you? How did that happen?" Ben was still being protective--- and frankly--- to the point.

Rafe managed to look uncomfortable. "She said she needed to talk, we decided to get coffee after the meeting or whatever I was doing. We did meet--- and she told me all her financial woes. She got let go from the Forum." He said this to Ben, as if it wouldn't mean anything to me, and would to him. He nodded. I crossed my arms over my chest. "She's been in a lot of trouble."

"She told you then about the kid?" Ben asked with that touch of asperity. I felt gratified.

"No, she didn't, nor about her drug use and her other issues. At the time she claimed that the company required too much travel and shit and she had to pay for it all."

"You bought it?"

"I did, Aubrey, because I didn't care. I was done after the first three sentences and my first herbal tea."

"How many herbal teas did you stay for?"

"One."

I knew he didn't lie.

"So, again, how did she collect DNA? Did she hold out her hand and ask for it? Hand you a swab?" Ben was irritated. He felt like Rafe was dodging the point. But he didn't know a woman's mind, and Rafe did. He knew I needed the details and it was better to tell them in order than go back and fill them in later.

"When we left--- went our separate ways, she gave me a hug, and that customary kiss--- it ended up not being customary--- but very intimate—and she cut my hair. I don't know how I didn't catch it then, because I can sure recall it now, the feel of her hands at the base of my neck, yeah. I know she cut my hair, and she confirmed it in the office. I was manipulated."

I had turned away to face the waves. In fact, standing here facing the waves in heels was incongruous to me. I slipped the heels off and stood there in nylons, wishing I could feel the hot sand with my bare feet.

"You didn't catch it then because you responded to her kiss." I said woodenly, my fingers up and covering my lips again.

Rafe didn't say anything. It was enough to know that's exactly what happened.

I turned back to him, we'd have to talk about that kiss privately, another time, not with Ben.

Rafe nodded to me, knowing my thoughts.

"That paternity test would never be admissible in court in the US. What was she thinking?" I asked him.

"Maybe to settle out of court. Maybe she thought like she said that I'd see the kid and see the resemblance and think he was mine and just offer to pay--- I don't know. She knows I always wanted kids, it's not like I would ever not take care of a kid that was mine."

"You think she got pregnant on purpose and then kept the baby a secret from you? Why?"

"No, I don't think that. At all. I don't think she did it on purpose. And I don't think the kid is mine."

"You say she's addicted to drugs? Maybe this whole thing is the drugs talking." Ben said thoughtfully. People on drugs would do a lot to keep their habit. Even this. Especially this. It was huge leverage if Rafe bought it.

But Rafe would never buy it. Not the Rafe I knew. Had he been so different when Madonna knew him? Had he been stupid?

"Look, I did the paternity test, the legal one. We'll know in twenty-four hours. I say we head from here to the temple, do a session and clear our minds. Abbie can keep the kids, right? And then we'll grab some dinner and I don't know---- keep distracted."

I bit my lips and nodded. Rafe was a man of action and distraction. His ADHD was talking---coping mechanisms kicking in. It was either that or something physical. Or both.

Rafe eye-balled Ben--- "One more minute, bud?"

Ben got back in his car and turned it on. It hummed to life like a kitten.

Rafe took my hand and held it between us. I curled my fingers into his. "Let's not talk about the kiss yet." He said softly. "I need you now. I need the other you, not the jealous, hurt, tangled up you."

I nodded. I knew he did. I might be hurt, and feeling betrayed, and full of righteous indignation. But I knew he didn't lie--- I don't know why he'd felt the need the other day--- something deeper--- because Rafe was an honest man.

And he was the one who had been betrayed---- violated. This woman had played on his sympathies, and tried to coerce him. That didn't sit well with a man like him. He tried to please people, and those who were close to him, knew his generous good nature. As well as his fits of temper and creativity. That man had been betrayed--- the good man.

I stepped into his space, ran my hands down his suit sleeves and laced our fingers. "I forgive you for lying to me."
Unequivocally, I added in my mind. It will never happen again, I don't have to qualify it with that statement.

His breath whooshed out of him in a huge pent up frustrated sigh. He bowed his head to mine and pressed us together. Clouds chose that moment to cover the blazing hot sun, and the relief was palpable. I stepped into his embrace and he held me the way I needed to be held.

******