*****087:

I woke slowly, groggily, feeling like I'd been hit by a Mack truck, and my eyes were gritty, my throat choked and sore, and my joints all ached. It was dark, but not the kind of dark that spoke of night time--- but the dark of dark out blinds. The kind that let in a little dim light around the edges. I tried to roll over, tried to ignore the pain, and failed.

Everything was there in my consciousness.

My mother was dead. Dead. I wouldn't see her ever again in this life-- with that body, with those opinions, I'd also never see her smile, feel her arms around me---

I pulled the pillow over my head.

Chris was a mess. Was she still? She had to have had time to think about it all. She seriously didn't think I could sing at my mother's funeral, did she? Why was she forcing this? Did she somehow blame me for her death?

I was sealed to a wife and three kids--- and five more were to be born under the covenant. God had done this. For that I was eternally grateful. I couldn't even begin to express how I felt about it. Kneeling at that altar the day before yesterday--- my birthday--- had been incredible. As they'd placed each little hand over ours, Aubrey and I had looked into each other's eyes and the mantle of authority and responsibility had dropped on those hands like silk and steel. I felt the rightness of it, the deepest feelings of immeasurable love and glory.

I had never expected my life to take this kind of turn. But it had, and I was amazed. I stand all amazed at the love Jesus offers me. That song floated into my awareness.

Lance--- something was wrong with him--- and Mutt--- something was very wrong. I had thought they were exploring who they were together. Mutt had flat out announced he was bi-sexual.

In the flowery midst of Jeremy and Abbie getting married in the temple.

In the flowery midst of Jeff meeting and falling for Justine.

In the flowery midst of Ben meeting Antonia.

In the flowery midst of finding out we were having quintuplets. It seemed so unbelievable. Which thing could I not believe in? It was all unreal.

It made for good music.

Tragedy and pain always did.

That's why we are going on tour. To promote all our new music. And now there was even more music. And we were still going on tour.

I felt movement beside me. Aubrey?

My questing hand found a little leg--- little--- really little. Little and not squishy. Rein.

I stroked his leg, felt the diaper, the straight little back, the muscly little arms developing now with the good food and care my wife gave him. My heart swelled with joy.

I'd changed from a caring and compassionate--- idiot self-centered douchebag---- I had to give myself that. The caring and compassionate bit. I'd changed. Had that change been bad?

Heck no. It couldn't be.

Had the change killed my mother?

It couldn't have.

I'd changed for the better.

I'd changed to a man who put others first, who worked with people instead of simply for himself.

I'd become a husband and a father. Those things were ultimate--- were huge.

She would never know me this way. My own mother would never know the ultimate person I had become. I felt tears for the first time. Damn.

Shit.

Really? I'd already cried.

Cried while singing to her.

I'd given her that.

I moved slowly----wiping them.

I heard her roll over, and I sniffed, knowing I'd been caught.

"What, were you just waiting for it?" I said low. Rein arched and curled on his side next to the belly.

"Yeah."

"Okay--- well---."

"It's all right."

"She will never know the man I've become. I'm a better man, Au-ber-ey. I'm a better man, and she'll never know."

"She knows."

"You think so?"

"Yes. What she did was awful and tragic. But it wasn't suicide and Heavenly Father knows the intents of her heart." Her voice was very low, almost a sweet whisper.

"Did you get enough sleep, baby?"

"I'm achy, so yeah. I want to shower and loosen up and maybe exercise. I feel pretty beat up."

"Go shower, I'll keep Rein here."

"Lissie is here too. She's at the foot."

"Oh freak, yeah, she is."

I felt her start to get up and suddenly I didn't want to be alone. "Aubrey?"

She stopped, half way up. "Yeah?"

"Can I shower with you?"

There was this incredible pause--- a hesitancy, and my heart actually sank---wondering if she didn't want me in there. Wondering if she was getting self-conscious about her belly, or if she wanted to be alone.

"Are you really asking me that?"

Confusion. I slipped out of the bed, waited for Rein to wake, and when he didn't, I tucked the pillow next to him, and padded across the carpet to the shower. Aubrey was inside the arched doorway--- we had no real door. She put her arms around me and hugged me to the side of her belly. I ran my hands in relief down her sides, and back up, under her hair and her t-shirt.

"Why did you hesitate? Are you starting to feel embarrassed by this?" I ran my palm over her rounded tummy.

She snorted. "You put that there, why should I be embarrassed? No--- I was giving you the chance to correct yourself. You're usually the grammar nazi. I expected a quick--- may I--- out of you."

Now I whisper laughed and hugged her again. I was the grammar nazi--- I knew I was. I even corrected fans when they spoke to me.

"Thank you."

She whisper laughed back at me. "Are you going to shower with me?" She lifted her shirt off her belly and shoulders and started to slip out of her G's, when I stopped her.

"Baby, no matter how big you get and what happens after--- I mean your body--- I will always find you beautiful. Please don't forget that. I didn't marry you because you're beautiful on the outside, remember our wedding night? I'll admit, it's a perk, but it's you I love--- the you inside."

She twirled slowly and turned the water on her side of the shower, stepping in and rinsing out her hair with both arms up. "Well----." She drawled as I stripped and turned my side of the water on. I felt too far away, and looked back at her in the very faint lights we'd leveled so as not to alert the kids. "I actually married you because you're freaking hot. Sexiest man alive according to People magazine, two years running. And it's mostly because you are---- so hot."

I pressed my wet self to her, hunching over the baby belly, and insinuating myself anywhere I could reach, trying to kiss her in the wet jet streams. "And don't you forget it."

"You've got those eyes, on the magazine cover that peer out from under these amazing dark lashes and these perfectly sculpted winged brows, you stare right into every gal that chances upon your picture. And then, don't get me started on that smile. That little half-smile you do sometimes, but always for your fans--- as if you're looking right at each one of them, and you find them attractive--- and you know them, and you're just waiting till after the show to come and find them."

Her voice was lazy slow, and just a bare whisper with a little tone. I pursed my lips---- she was having me on because of my little tribute.

That was easily remedied.

I slipped my lips down her throat and pressed her breast up, and then gently, but not too gently bit her. Aubrey squealed. She really did---- like a little pig.

I reared back and laughed out loud. "That sounded like a little piggy."

She hit me hard on the chest and then turned her back on me, laughing, trying to cover her mouth. It didn't work. I grabbed her---- from behind, there was no obstruction to stop my caresses. Damn, but I needed her attention right now. She tried to twirl in my arms, a little less giggly and a lot more seriously turned on--- a guy can always tell--- and I held her hands up, pressing them to the tiled wall in front of us and proceeded to have my way---- as much as you can with a girl carrying quintuplets, and a three-year-old standing in the doorway.

*****