I got out of the van and blew out my breath. Was this that date we'd talked of not going on? I blinked at the long walkway to the hacienda style white building with the typical meticulous landscaping and Moroni on the top. People dressed in Sunday best were walking up, carrying their little bags. I felt way under dressed.

            Aubrey was rummaging in her purse and brought out a camera. "Is it permissible for me to take pictures with us? I mean--- I'm not going to publish them, or put them on Facebook. I just want to remember this trip. Will that be okay?"

            "Take whatever you want." I said shoving my hands in my pockets uncomfortably. Aubrey took a picture of the front, and then as we walked, she linked her arm in mine and leaned into me.

            We walked the grounds quietly. I had nothing to say. This was purely for her. I didn't hold with Mormon temples and this was not some place-- she was right-- this was not some place I would willingly visit by myself. Temples represented two things I hated--- one the idea of forever families--- people came here to be sealed together as families. I felt that any family could be together forever, not just ones who were sealed in temples. But then--- I also hated that Lance, who did believe in temple sealings was denied it because of his sexual preferences. My parents, who had been sealed, were about as far away as one could get--- and I had no desire to--

            I'd told Aubrey once I would consider it. Do what it took to get my life in order so I could come to a temple. I felt sweaty even as the ocean breeze came up.

            Jim was walking ahead of us. There was no threat here.  I almost asked if he wanted to wait in the van with me.

            Aubrey had unlinked our arms and was walking with Ben and they were  talking. I felt awful. I didn't want to talk about temples, not with her, and not with Ben. I felt angry hating the church and hating temples and hating myself.

            It was unreasonable. There was nobody out here proselytizing me. No one even approached. There was nothing about the outside of this building that even hinted at anything sinister. I'd been inside the LA Temple once a million years ago, and I knew it was simple and innocent and fine. I just didn't believe in it. And I hated for some reason that they did.

            I felt like an outsider.

            Ben was talking to her earnestly. They'd even stopped walking. Their voices were hushed. I caught up to them, but didn't want to be a part of it, so I walked on. Part of me wanted to spit on the sidewalk--- or on the flowers, or on the wall where it said Holiness to The Lord—House of the Lord. I felt the sweat dripping down my sides.

            The pure whiteness was lost to me. It blinded and I pulled my sunglasses down. I walked around the side of the building and found a bench I could sit on. The sun was blazing hot, which accounted for my sweatiness. I hunched over, held my head in my hands and fashioned myself a head ache.

            Only righteous people came here I told myself. I am not a righteous person. I shouldn't be here. And for the first time I doubted that I would ever be worthy. That thought made me very angry. Who were they to judge who was worthy? Nobody! They were nobody! I was just as good as anyone else. I was better--- more successful. Aubrey was good, she was super successful. We could make it without all this shit.

            I wasn't going to stop cussing. Who were they to tell me what I could and couldn't say? Words didn't make me a better or worse or worthy person. I could walk here. Just like anybody else. Why did I have to feel like less of a person?

            I felt so angry. I wanted to scream at them--all these super righteous people. All these Mormons who thought God gave them special rights. Special knowledge or something. Mysteries that no one else knew about to get into heaven. Things that would give them the advantage. Nobody had an advantage.

            I got up and walked to the front door. What would happen if I opened this door? Would bells and alarms go off? Would the police come? Would Temple security escort me out for being unworthy? I put my hand on the door. I heard Aubrey call out to me. But I didn't look back through the red haze that claimed me.

            I pulled open the door.

            A waft of cooler air hit me instantly, and silence. Another glass door, I opened that. Nobody was around. There were stairs leading up--- light green carpeted stairs. And silence. And cool air. I felt this coolness alleviate some of the outer pressure. But I wasn't through. I went up the stairs to a level sitting area. I thought to myself--- I can sit here. They can't stop me. I saw the door behind me open cautiously and Ben and Aubrey were there.

            "Rafe, come here." She whispered.

            "No." I said loudly. "I'm worthy to sit right here. I haven't done anything. I can be here if I want."

            Her eyes widened and she came inside, followed by Ben who looked supremely uncomfortable. Well, he shouldn't. We were both worthy. Aubrey made it to me. She sat beside me on the little sofa--- green velour. There was a chandelier overhead, with crystal droplets hanging in glorious perfection, the wall sconces were Aztec looking, the pictures were of Jesus, and landscape, and the little table—mosaic table--- had a Book of Mormon on it.

            "Rafe. You have to have a recommend from your Bishop and Stake President to be in here." Aubrey said gently. "This isn't why I wanted to come here, not to come inside. I just wanted to see the grounds and feel the spirit here. I wasn't planning to come inside."

            "Do you have one of those recommends?" I asked her pointedly, deliberately not lowering my voice. We'd caught the attention of the old man at the front desk. He was looking at us curiously, but hadn't started to walk over or anything.

            "No. I'm not endowed yet. I have a year round temple baptism recommend. You have been to the temple for baptisms, right? You told me that. Both of you have been."

            "Yep. We came, we saw, we did it all." I said really loudly, crossing my arms and legs, digging in.

            "Rafe, come on. This isn't the time for this." Ben said. "Let's go, buddy."

            "No. I'm just sitting here. I can sit here."

            "Of course you can sit here." Aubrey said and sat back. "No one said you can't. Let's just sit here then." She crossed her arms over her chest and breathed deeply the air conditioned air. Her eyes were peaceful, not overly excited as I think mine were.

            "Lightning didn't strike me, Aubrey. I'm allowed in here. Everybody should be allowed in here. Recommend or not."

            She remained sitting there quietly, and finally I saw her eyes close and she breathed deeply again as she bowed her head and prayed.

            It made me so angry I wanted to jump up and shout.

            She looked up in alarm as I did just that. I jumped up and stood there towering over her.

            "What?"

            "What gives you the right to pray in here?"

            "I prayed in your living room too, who says I can't pray? Maybe I feel close to God here. Maybe I want to pray. Did you think I couldn't pray anywhere I want?"

            Now an older gentleman dressed in white was coming slowly down the steps toward us. I turned to look at him, and with his white hair and somewhat portly physique I thought it might be the prophet. I was immediately ashamed.

            Aubrey and Ben stood also, Aubrey smoothed her hair and then her hands on her thighs. I felt instantly contrite. I wished I wasn't man enough to stay and could act like the kid I'd been mimicking the last five minutes. But I was a man.

            The old man smiled gently, but there was nothing old about him. "Hello. I'm Brother Alpatcha. Welcome to the Temple of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints."

******