133:Aubrey

I wanted to be right down in front the way I had been that one time, in that very much smaller venue. Jake was frowning. But Tim was pretty resigned to it. Conger was taking the stage and we all stood right down in the very front of the festival seating, holding our water's, and my sign I'd made without Rafe knowing. It just said I love You Rafe! I had also seen where he received paper airplanes occasionally as well, and girls in front asked him stupid questions. Like, really stupid, like: Can I lick you?

Seriously. Seriously?

My paper airplane was ready, just in case. I was determined to experience this concert like any other front row concert goer. I even had a great paper airplane and poster for Ben, and one for Jeff. I didn't know if I would use them all, but I was prepared. They weren't huge, just half's. I was not too crazy. Maybe the reason Jake was frowning was because he was holding the posters.

This audience had a different feel than the previous ones. I didn't see a good mixture of male and females, it was mostly girls sprinkled with a few guys here and there. And they were not just standing around. They were ready--- excited, craning their necks to get a first glimpse.

The stage itself: It was higher than any of the others. It had a large platform out front, and it came down in a circular ramp like a tongue, out into the crowd. Behind where Rafe, Ben and Jeff would be, there was this projection screen that projected colors and shapes and designs. It ran the whole length of the stage. On top of that another whole stage was set up, with the keyboards, the other guitarists and the drummer. Behind him, directly behind him, was the giant screen projecting the concert. Off to either side were tall rectangular screens following usually Rafe, but occasionally one of the others. As a backdrop for all of it were the giant scaffoldings that lit up, and held even more lights. Spotlights and light show lights. I didn't remember seeing nearly this many lights at any of the other concerts.

It was an exciting atmosphere. I found myself jittery inside. Anticipating when they would come out, when they would start singing, if they would sing my favorite songs, if Rafe would be able to see me. There were a lot of people. I couldn't actually see very many, unless they put a picture of the crowd up on the big screens and they did occasionally.

In front of the stage, on the ground, to either side, not around the circle thing, there were a lot of photographers, and videographers. I was shocked at how close they got to the guys too, actually crawling up on stage when they could. Everything was blinking and flashing and the stadium that sat 33,000 was generating its own buzz and high. I wasn't frightened even a little bit though. It wasn't anything like the other time. This was too big to get out of. The press of the people around us was energized. Overwhelming.

I decided not to flash my cell phone in the air, and waving my hands was going to get tiring. I figured screaming would make me lose my voice, but what better way? So, I swayed, tense with excitement, ready to feel the thrill.

When the guys were first spotted, the stage had gone dark, and blue, and electric. I saw Jeff take his guitar and Jeremy behind him. I saw Levi start to beat out some hot rhythms. I was ready.... So ready!

Rafe was dancing in front of me. His long legs were jumping, flying all over the center stage thing, and skipping everywhere. The lights had not come up yet. He was high fiving everybody directly around the circular stage, everyone he could reach. There were no bouncers between us and him. I was right there, but he did not see me, just skimmed over the top of those raised hands all around.

And then the music was blaring... songs I knew, songs I loved. The crowd was deafening, as they sang with him, and Rafe led them to sing with him too. He loved it when they knew his songs, and loved them the way he did. He said that made them culturally relevant, and meaningful. He loved the old stand by's, but he wasn't necessarily going to sing all the oldies tonight. I had a feeling he was going to sing Fall into the Ocean tonight.

I did not plan to go onstage if he wanted me to. I wanted to just be any other girl down here.

But I knew--- I was never going to be any other girl to him. I was the girl that was going to be with him forever. I was his future wife. I was instantly different than every other girl.

But tonight--- I could enjoy them, like any other girl.

Rafe did rocker sets, he sang a few oldies and then quite a few new ones, one after the other. He didn't deviate from the paper he'd written down, until someone came out on the stage and told him something. Literally, it wasn't even someone I knew.

This is when I decided to have Tim hold me. So I climbed up on his shoulders, and held my sign, just the cool one I'd made for Rafe. And you have to understand--- I was an expert at sign making--- all that cheerleader time in high school. When I wasn't playing basketball that is.

But something had upset Rafe.

I could tell right away as soon as I looked back at him. The lights had dimmed and he was solemn, very solemn. I was immediately worried. He'd received bad news. I suddenly prayed it wasn't his family. Tim was swaying with me, and I was swaying above him. I was in plain sight when Rafe came down on the circular stage.

"So." He said, doubled over, and then straightened. He threw back his head. "There ain't gonna be an encore tonight, guys, but what I'm gonna do for you is a quiet set, just a new song, some of you may have heard, written just recently. But I'm gonna need some help, and I know my fiancé is out in the audience. Aubrey, are you there?"

My heart sank. It must be bad. Cancelling the encore? Needing me... now? Tim couldn't move me any closer, and I couldn't yell out right now, my throat had choked up, wondering who and what had happened.

Rafe shaded his eyes and after scanning for a moment, I saw Ben point to me, atop Tim's shoulders. Rafe looked immensely relieved. "Hey baby. I need you right now."

Tim leaned me closer and I shook my head. Please, no... I'm not up to being onstage with all of these people... oh, Rafe.... He leaned out, and another guy came close and passed me over the hands and heads around me to Rafe's strong arms. The crowd was screaming, loving this unexpected intimacy. It was all the bouncers and security people could do to keep everyone else from hopping the space between.

I found myself in the heat and glare of ferocious lighting, and sweaty man. He had one arm around me, and he was just Rafe again--- not that rock star I was marrying. He had the mike up to his lips.

"Aubrey... let's sing our song."

I nodded. He was going to have me--- little neonatal surgeon me--- sing with him--- again. Not laying down this time, facing them. Them!

And then he whispered, but everybody could hear him. "Baby, we just got word, Tiger Irwin has passed away, the great Tiger---." He choked up for a moment, out of breath anyway. "One of those I call my inspirations." He turned to Ben, who looked stricken, and was shaking his head. There was a collective gasp and sigh from the audience. I don't know how many heard him, but I thought immediately of my mom. Tiger Irwin was one of her collaborators, someone she played with and sang with and to and about. Mom would be hurting tonight. "Aubrey--- I know your mom would want you to sing with me tonight to honor our good friend Tiger. Will you sing it with me?"

"The Load-Out? And Stay?" I asked and he had put the mike to my lips, so that when people heard, they screamed. I nodded, tears in my eyes. Tiger had covered Jackson Browne's songs and re-released them recently.

The chords for Fall into the Ocean began, and we sang it together. But then we were standing there, on this incredible stage, and singing for Tiger and my mom who had lost so many...

"Now the seats are all empty
Let the roadies take the stage
Pack it up and tear it down....."


We sang together, harmonizing, and choked up and trying and failing and then trying again. I couldn't hang in there as long as Rafe could. Ben had come down to us and Jeff on the other side, both with their guitars hanging at their sides. This song just needed the piano now--- and I looked up at Mutt and he was looking right at me, so I disengaged from Rafe's arm and hopped up there with help from one of those amazing roadies, and I sat beside Mutt and played for Tiger, his song--- his famous song. One of them.

The last chords died down, there was a stunned silence, and then the lights really just flipped off--- and the guys were all around me, holding each other and me, and Rafe was there, and we were leaving. He had me in his arms--- he was kissing me through his tears. And I was breathing his sweat and tears and thinking what an amazing way to celebrate the life of a great inspiration--- to both of us.

We made it back stage. We didn't talk. We didn't even stop. Holli cancelled the backstage stuff that may have happened other nights. But we'd done a lot beforehand. It was okay. We were loaded on that bus pretty quick.

"It's hard to believe when these iconic guys go home." Rafe was sitting on the couch with me on his lap. The guys had all crashed too.

There was this unshed energy from the concert still swirling around, with nowhere to go. Trying to be still in reverence--- trying to feel nothing while feeling everything.

"Did you know him, Aubrey?" Ben asked, swigging a bottled water. His eyes were bloodshot.

"Yeah, I'd met him kind of a lot. I'd seen him jam with mom at home. He was one of the few welcome in the main house." I don't know who all would understand that statement, but it didn't matter. Mutt was on his phone, posting to social media I bet. Jeremy was not as familiar with Tiger Irwin. It was hard to believe. Rafe started singing another of his songs.

Then Ben was hugging him, and Jeff was calling his wife, and I was calling my mom and we were all letting off that steam, thinking of Tiger. The bus started moving.

"You had me up on stage again." I whispered low to Rafe, who had just wiped his eyes on my concert t-shirt.

He swallowed hard and blew out his breath hotly, through my shirt. His hands were not still on my back and my leg, but twisting fabric, and rubbing my skin through it.

"I was nervous the whole time with you down there."

"The Spirit warned you again?"

"No. I was just nervous."

"And Tiger Irwin passing away was just an excuse to get me up there."

Now I could see he was really frustrated. "No, Aubrey! Dammit, I enjoy singing with you! I liked having you onstage, I liked singing with you. We have chemistry there, and Fall into the Ocean can't be sung properly without you."

I recognized that his emotions were high. I didn't wiggle my fingers for a five dollar bill, nor did I want to challenge his feelings or make him analyze them. I cupped his face to my breast and ran my fingers through his hair.

"Did you know him?" I asked. He adjusted me more comfortably on his lap and wrapped me tightly in his arms, leaving off the twisting and grasping.

"Not as well as I should have. You know, fame and fortune don't really give you access to the whole world of music, Aubrey. The old timers are pretty private, they come out and do a benefit now and then, or a show, and then they retreat. It's hard to see them by chance. But if they happen to be where I am, I try and make a point of seeing them. I try and collaborate, or sing a duet with them, if they have something I can do with them. Like Stevie Nicks, we did Leather and Lace at the Hollywood Bowl. It honors me, it honors them. But no, I'd only met Tiger once or twice."

"Well, he was a quiet voiced man. He didn't feel real comfortable in celebrity. He liked my mom because at home and on stage she is just as down to earth as they come. She's calm. I don't know how that can be, because she is always moving, but she strives to be a calming influence. Tiger was attracted to that, I think. He came to Rosewood to work a few years ago. He rode horses, and worked in the gardens and sat out by the river and wrote songs. He spent a lot of time on his own."

"Listen, I'm glad you came on stage with me."

"But, Rafe, what if you had brought me up and I hadn't known that song?"

"I knew your mom was friends with him."

I leaned back to look into his eyes. "So, I know his playlist?"

He grinned, "No, Aubrey, you hum and sing under your breath all the time, and I'd heard you singing Doctor My Eyes."

"Doctor My Eyes is not The Load Out."

"You could almost sing any words to the Load Out. It wouldn't have mattered."

"It would have mattered to the audience who came to hear you sing, not me."

"That's gonna change."

I sighed. "Rafe, I might be marrying a musician, but I'm definitely not one."

"Neither was your Grandma."

"What?"

*******