135: A

"The kids are right proud of you tonight, momma." Rafe yawned and kicked off his shoes. I shook my head, this fantasy was a little bizarre. I kicked off my shoes, and then straightened them against the wall, undoing the clasp on my jeans as I went into the bathroom.

I didn't realize Rafe had followed me. He usually gave me space to change. So I was all the way out of my jeans before I realized I had an audience.

"What is your favorite Bowie song?" He stood in the doorway, and I covered myself with the legs of my pants, startled.

"Star man." I answered, bent over to cover myself.

"Why are you doing that? Is there something I haven't seen?" He looked amused, those dark winged brows rising in amusement. I dropped the jeans and turned to head into the bathroom, recalling that married couples really didn't have anything to hide from each other, but---- gees! We weren't married yet!

He didn't pursue it, for which I was grateful, and when I came out and brushed my teeth, he had already brushed his, and was laying on top of the covers on our new, and much larger bed, with just his sleeping shorts on, his hands linked beneath his head. He was singing under his breath, "There's a star man, waiting in the night. He'd like to come and see us, but he thinks he'll blow our minds."

"Sky." I corrected, sitting on my side of the bed, and braiding my hair for the night.

"What?"

"There's a Star man, waiting in the sky."

He tried the corrected words out and then sighed happily. "It's a good thing you know music."

"You too."

"What do you mean?"

"Well, American Pie for instance. You have to know all the words in order to be married to me. I put that down as one of my qualifications for future husband when I was thirteen."

"You wrote your qualifications for your future husband down? I want to see them. Do you know them?" He sat up quickly.

I laughed, as I pulled back the covers. Thinking how nice it was to get into bed and not bump my head or have to bend over.

Rafe's fingers pulled my braid close to him. Our eyes met. "What is going to happen tomorrow?"

"What do you mean? At church?"

"Yes." His fingers were trembling. I reached for the Kindle and pulled up some scriptures. I wasn't exactly sure where they were, so it took me a couple of minutes. Rafe sat with one leg around my back, and the other out straight, so I was leaning against his chest. I was acutely aware of his breathing on my shoulder, as he gently worked the loose fitting t-shirt off that skin and blew on it.

"There are two priesthoods. You have the Aaronic." I read Doctrine and Covenants 13 with him, and he said he understood it. So then we looked at Section 84. And Section 27. These he read to himself.

"You have to have the Melchezidek Priesthood to go through the rest of the temple ordinances for yourself. Right?"

"Is it all coming back, or is it all confusing?"

He looked far away. "No. I understand it well enough. I remember it."

I nodded and closed the Kindle as he handed it back to me.

"Aubrey. I don't understand why they aren't kicking me out."

"Kicking you out of what? The church?"

"Yeah. I'm one of those vile sinners."

"Oh, and we've read about Alma. They didn't kick him out. He came to his senses and decided he wanted to repent. Isn't that what you've been doing?"

"I've been refraining from sin. That's not the same as being sorry I ever committed it."

I was silent. It was hard to know when to say something and when to keep my mouth shut. I stroked his arms clasped around me, and finally nodded and turned my head up to his.

Rafe kissed me softly.

"I know." I said.

"No, you don't. You're good. I'm not good. I don't even think like that anymore."

"If you don't want to receive the Melchezidek Priesthood tomorrow, then don't, Rafe. You need to be ready. You need to feel right with God."

"And that's just it. I don't even feel like I know God."

"But remember that the Temple President felt something too, something that God wanted you to know. He wants you to forgive yourself."

He shook his head. "I might be able to forgive myself, Aubrey, if I truly felt that what I'd done was --- bad."

"It doesn't make you bad, Rafe, it doesn't make it bad. Just wrong, just not right to God. He has a certain way he really wants us to work toward. We aren't perfect at it, by any means, any of us. We all need to repent and move on."

"It's the moving on part that is killing me."

I shrugged and turned up for his kiss again.

He slapped his palm against the bed and pulled away from me. "And this! I just want you, right now, selfishly, against what my brain says is right. I want to take you... be inside you--- feel you--- I can't. Keep. Doing. This."

I pulled all the way away and he moved his leg out from behind me.

I reached for his hand, and he pushed mine away.

He was pulling at his hair. Then he grabbed me and forced a long hard kiss on my lips.

It should have been a warning, or offensive--- that was how he meant it--- as an indictment against himself for whatever he felt were his base desires.

It definitely incited both of us to want exactly what he wanted. It caused doubt to flourish inside me as well. I had never been kissed like this.

"Rafe..." He had moved from my lips to my throat. His hands were warm on my shoulders. "Rafe..."

"This is how I solve things Aubrey. I don't think I can do it any other way. Sex is my way."

"Then you'll have to do it without me." I pushed him back and jumped up, my chest heaving. He stared at my stomach--- why there? I turned even redder.

"Why is this so damn confusing?" He threw himself back on the pillows. "I try and keep it light. You saw that right? You knew I was trying to keep it light, not get into this."

I backed away. I was doing it again. Wearing lacy white briefs, and my t-shirt. I thought about what Rafe said about guys thinking about sex so much. All the time. Maybe he was right, maybe he thought about it way more than I did.

Which was kind of a lot, honestly.

I had my hand over my chest. I felt ashamed at my casual taking of him for granted, my too brazen and too familiar, and frankly, quite out of the ordinary behavior. "Yeah, I get what you're trying to do. Keep it light. Keep our thoughts on the right things. But I---."

"You what?"

"I keep dressing like we are already married."

He hung his head. "If you were dressed like we were already married you wouldn't be dressed at all."

I ran back to the dressing room, found my jeans and slipped them on. I found my sandals--- I slipped them on, grabbed a room key and fairly flew out the door. Rafe yelled my name once.

I had my phone in my pocket. I might have called my mother, or... somebody else....I ran to the elevator, shame coursing through me. I startled myself and Ben as he came padding down the hall looking for ice.

"Aubrey?"

I wiped my eyes frantically, wishing the elevator would just open. I hated myself for running, but I felt like I just had to run. Not from Rafe--- from myself.

"Aubrey. What's wrong? Did Rafe hurt you?" He had one hand up and was to me now. "Come in to my room for a minute."

We both heard Rafe shouting, and then our door was opening. Ben pulled me quickly to his room. He shut the door quietly.

I stood against the wall, heaving, eyes wide in the semi-darkness.

"Did he hurt you?" Ben asked patiently, and firmly.

I shook my head. "No. He would never hurt me."

Ben's brows twitched as if he might disagree, then he sat on the edge of a chair. "Why were you running?"

"Stress." I blurted. "I'm stressed."

He nodded. "That's normal."

"It's not normal. I am out of my comfort zone and in a foreign country and nowhere to go."

"Rafe can be very intense."

I thought about times when Rafe had been intense. He did tend to think of things intensely. Water gun fights, sudden fits of performance, riding a slide on his feet, pulling me onstage---- on stage!---- and singing with me. In his love making---

"Skinny dipping." I mumbled.

"What?"

"He once challenged me to skinny dip with him."

"Sounds like Rafe. But he hasn't got you in bed, has he? I bet that is driving him mad."

"It is. It's too much for both of us. I should just go home."

"No--- you should stick it out. But maybe sleep in your own room? You want me to call and arrange your own room?"

I nodded. "Yes, please. It's the only way I can stay here."

"No, it's not the only way. I think your way is admirable, but impractical, and naïve."

"Why impractical?"

"You want to wait to get married, but you want to marry Rafe Stryker. He's not the waiting type of guy. We – who know him—can all see the breaking point is near."

"Breaking point?" I covered my mouth with my hands. Had I pushed him too far?

"He's not used to restraint. He's not used to waiting for anything. He's not used to being so in love he can't think of anything but you."

"But he's had so many women!"

Ben blew out his breath, laughing. "That doesn't constitute love. He's never been really truly committed to love. Ever." We both heard Rafe in the hall. He yelled, and his echo was huge and probably disturbing everyone.

"I can't do this to him. I can't scare him. He's already worried about my safety all the time." I flung the door open and Rafe was standing across the hall, he whirled and stared at me in Ben's room and his eyes blazed. Ben—who had been out of sight—quickly blocked his way.

"Buddy, I think it's time I just get her another room."

Rafe stood there, trying to see me over Ben's shoulder. Ben did his best to block his way.

"Did you come here? Did you come to Ben?"

"No." I squeaked. I saw his shoulders slump in relief.

"How did you get in there?"

"Ben saw me in the hall."

"I told her to come in and not create a scene out in the hall, which is what you are now doing. Dude, let me get her another room, and you guys can take this up in the morning."

I could see his expression. Defeated.

I shook. "No. I'm okay." I pushed past Ben, un-resisting. "Thanks for helping me." I stalked past Rafe who lifted one arm for me to duck under and we retreated to our room. 

*****