136:A

He shut the door behind us. "Don't leave me."

I sat in the chair, and took off my sandals. "I can't anyway." I said slowly. "I can't leave you."

"Can't? Or Won't?" He just stood there in his underwear and shorts, his whole stance rejected.

I braced my palms against my knees. "Can't--- and won't."

His eyebrows lowered and he went and sat on the bed, finally pushing himself up against the wall. There was no head board. He stuffed pillows against his back and kicked off his sandals for the second time.

"Explain."

I shook my head and yanked on my braid till the hair tie came out and I loosened the hair. "I have discovered this totally bizarre side of me that simply hates being separated from you--- it's far too dependent, far too attached, far too emotionally integrated, helpless, immature and clingy. I make me sick."

"You--- what?" He blurted, shock registering in his eyes. He sat forward studying me with those very piercing blue eyes, jerking back and forth across my face.

"This isn't me. I'm not this stupid, simpering, helpless female. I'm independent. I'm a doctor! I'm not this groupie girl. I am strong. But I am acting weak!"

"Weak?"

"And that is preposterous! This!" I indicated my clothing. "I parade around in front of you dressed like a--- dressed like--- like it doesn't matter, and then I hop in bed with you---- ."

"Thank God." He muttered.

"Stop it. I am sorry. I take you for granted."

"Because I want you to."

"It's wrong."

"Nothing is wrong. It's just us. We haven't done anything wrong."

"Us? But it's not my image of myself."

"It is my image of you, and I am keeping it pure, and perfect, and right. Stop blaming yourself."

"You said you can't keep doing this."

"I was having a moment of weakness. I was exasperated with my own--- bodily response to you. I'm sorry. I am not violating you. I am not going to push you. Please forgive me."

"Don't grovel. I hate when you grovel."

"But it usually works."

I hung my head. Rafe came to the chair and just stood there close, till I finally looked up. "Please get in bed." he requested, pressing just his knee to mine. "Put on pajama bottoms if you must."

I leaped up and ran to the bathroom, rummaging in my things till I found the pajama bottoms. I pulled off the jeans, sitting on the bathroom floor, and then looked up as I noticed Rafe standing in the doorway, leaning against the wall. I pulled the pajama pants on. I had already discarded the bra under my shirt.

I wondered fleetingly if I should put it back on and sleep in it. Rafe was watching me intently and extended his hand.He saw my eyes flicker to it laying on the floor.  "Don't even think about it."

I took his hand. "Rafe..."

"It will bother me more if you change your habits to suit some asinine concept you have of modesty. I'm not a seventeen year old. I can keep it in my pants."

I swallowed hard. And actually--- for a second--- looked down at his pants.

And--- gosh darn it, are you kidding?--- he noticed. His eyes widened at me, and then he turned and snapped his pants right in front of me. I tried to pry my eyes up, but they wouldn't go.

So he snapped them again—making them ride lower. His stomach had those intense demarcation lines and the black hair---- Oh. My. Heart.

"Don't do it again." I gritted out, forcing my eyes to snap to his.

"Why? It makes me feel good. It makes me feel like we have something I understand in common."

"Rafe." This time he snapped them wide, so the shadow down inside was not quite so shadowy. I didn't even realize my eyes had strayed again, and I snapped them back to his face, mine red in embarrassment, and a small nervous smile playing in the corners of my lips.

"We are in this together." He said and pulled me into his embrace.

"Um hm." He swayed against me, showing me once more how I made him feel. He pressed my hips to his, rubbed his chest against mine and then bent to kiss my neck and throat.

And I ---hussy that I am--- I pulled his lips up to mine, and then when he would have ended the kiss, I let my own lips travel the way his had, even though I had never licked or kissed anyone myself before--- I wanted to nuzzle him the way he nuzzled me. I kissed, sniffed and licked his neck and throat--- and Rafe clutched me to him convulsively. I started to pull away and he ground into me, so I licked and kissed him some more. He groaned, deep in his throat.

"Why do you think you are weak? This is not the love making of a weak minded woman." He breathed, trembling as I kept it up, caressing him as he had done to me many times. I didn't answer him. His knees went weak and he managed to lay us back on the bed, and scoot higher, me on top of him, still kissing and caressing. "And you think you are dependent? Oh Aubrey, I am the one who is so dependent. I can't imagine life without you---- ah--- ahhh."

He bent his knees so I straddled him, rubbing against very sensitive spots, knowingly, and recklessly--- he really did have this effect on me--- that made me go mindless. Easily--- quickly--- unashamedly--- I didn't have that warning filter when I was in his arms—the one that warned me to stop... st-ooo-ppppp!

"You feel bad because I lose control, and you think it's your fault because you are dressed immodestly. You are so naïve. And it's charming--- oh god Aubrey, don't stop...."

"I am naïve." I whispered, blowing on a spot I had just sucked on, the way he did to me sometimes.

"A good naïve." He breathed. "And your rules... the ones they taught us in Young Men's and Young Women's--- you forget, I do know the rules--- and they do apply--- to seventeen year olds--- Au---br---ey."

"You like me to do that? That's just what you do to me."

"I know, and it's incredible. And I need this side of love making."

"But---."

"But what?" He clutched me tighter. "Please don't stop."

"But I've got you---- aroused again." I protested.

"I am always aroused when I'm near you, don't think about it, unless it makes you aroused too. Never mind, just don't think about it."

I slipped lower on his chest and he reached down and slipped his t-shirt completely off. His eyes were half-lidded and direct on me. I placed both hands over his nipples and slowly circled the sensitive tissue, before dropping to place my lips over one. I'd never--- never--- even thought about doing this--- to anyone--- and I knew now wasn't the time, and I tried to bring myself back to where I'd been---- shaming myself for immodest dress, and arousing him when we were waiting for----

Rafe arched dramatically, grunting as I licked him there, and then closed my teeth on him and gently sucked and pulled. He grabbed my face and brought me up to kiss me, hard and full.

"Was that bad?" I whispered.

"No--- so so so good."

"But you don't like it?"

He looked into my eyes, head bent forward, neck straining. "I want to do that to you." He stated, looking down my shirt that was gaping open for his perusal, and shivering.

I wanted him to--- help me--- I wanted him to. When his hands lifted the edges of my t-shirt and then pulled it off I let him---- for about a second. When it got to my neck I shoved it back down. His hands rested on my breasts, under the shirt. He pulled back one side and leaned up really quick to take that nipple in his mouth and suckle it. I bucked and cried out, and he let me go, satisfied, and stronger than he thought.

I rolled off him, and he rolled with me.

"We are playing with fire--- again." Rafe said. "But at least you know how I feel too."

"Yes." I agreed, shocked at how easy it would be to let go and forget everything. I did, I had, I couldn't believe it myself. I wondered if this changed the way I answered my recommend questions. We had to stop pushing the bucket. But, boy was it powerful.

"I think I should sleep in my own room." I said.

"Was that your suggestion, or Ben's?" Rafe asked calmly. Too calmly for the situation.

"His."

Rafe nodded. "I am not saying that it isn't an idea. It is. But it isn't what either one of us want. I don't want it, and you don't want it."

I pursed my lips, feeling the heat between us, the weariness.... The desire not to fight it anymore. It also seemed like in the bunk we were having less trouble, than when we shared a hotel room.

"Maybe it's just the hotel rooms." I said.

"I thought of that." Rafe replied easily and scratched his under arm. He was staring straight up at the mosaic'd ceiling.

"And?"

"I discarded it. I can make myself do a lot of things, Aubrey. You think --- and I think it too--- that I have very little self-control. That I never deny myself of anything. But I can and do deny myself regularly. And I am--- in connection with us--- denying myself of lots of things. So, that is another reason why I can't deny myself of this innocent pleasure."

"I hear you." I said, pulling back the blankets again and sliding into the bed. "But this hasn't exactly been innocent."

Rafe busted up laughing. "Yeah. Yeah it has." He snickered. "You might find it all a bit alarming...." He used a British snob accent. "But honey, I have news for you. You are still as innocent as a newborn babe."

I curled on my side, and snuggled the light weight blankets up to my chin, scrunching my pillow the way I did at home and breathed deeply to still my ragged thoughts.

I felt Rafe in resignation do the same, and pretty soon that very platonic arm came around my middle and within seconds, his breathing had normalized and I knew as I fell asleep, that he already had.

*****