ariel_paiement1

-0.1 for realism in action

-0.1 for spelling

-0.1 for sentence structure

2 on the writing maturity scale

SCORE: 11.7

I love how you added in Kenneth speaking to all the people. Manfred and In-Sook's dynamic is so fun to read. Nice way of explaining how the device worked; super creative! At one point you accidentally said Nefertiti was going to Rome, even though it was established she was going to Egypt. I love the unique issues in both times; the group having to help the female Pharoah sieze power and Nefertiti's creative genius plan to do that, and then trying to find Romulus and Remus to help Rome get created. You've uped the stakes, so to speak, so it makes your entry more intense. Nefertiti really takes charge and I like that. I love Romulus and Remus and their brotherly dynamic. Man, killing Remus was so sad, but I got a lot of feels for Aeitus and all the horrible things he had to do. Nice twist with the woman he was with, having met a time traveler! I didn't see it coming. I also feel like you brought the entry to a clear conclusion and left things in the perfect place. You did have a few syntax errors, but it didn't take away from your entry. I can't wait to read more.

Several7s

-0.1 for grammar

-0.3 for realism in action

1.9 on the writing maturity scale, resulting in a 0.1 point deduction

SCORE: 11.5

POOR KHEN. She thinks she's going back home and then she's captured and sold as a slave! I don't know why but I loved the bath scene. You are portraying both Roman and Greek cultures exceptionally well, especially Greece. I love Felipe and the conversation he had with the strangers. It shows a lot about their time period and culture, which again, you're capturing so well. GAH. Leo and William. Man you got William's accent almost perfect and trust me, I know how hard Scottish accents are. Lol. GREAT JOB. AWWWWW KHENKI and Akiko are ALL SO CUTE TOGETHER. I SHIP IT SO MUCH. Okay, William's death was completely and utterly cruel and heart wrenching but perfect at the same time. MY POOR BABY. GASP. You're also the second person who killed him o.o But it's okay. You made it so beautiful *sobs* A couple of things wrong with the realism in action. 1) Felipe mentioned that Michel doesn't speak Greek, but yet he reacted and answered to the Greek dialogue Felipe spoke. 2) If Domitian was killed, then fixing the battle wouldn't help anything, they would have to save his life. Along that same note, it was a creative idea to kill Titus in Domitian's place, but that still would have created a lot of change in the timeline, but I did love the idea. The fight to kill Titus was intense and your entire entry was just so capturing I couldn't put it down. I MUST KEEP READING.

RondaRayl

-0.3 for grammar

-0.1 for spelling

1.4 on the writing maturity scale, resulting in a 0.4 point deduction

SCORE: 11.2

I loved the drama with the crowd and how they didn't want to move the capital. Your entire idea was extremely creative. You improved your writing so much, took the advice to heart and really added in more descriptions and more about your characters. Great job!

JesterheadJohnSnow

-0.3 for grammar

-0.3 for spelling

-0.4 for punctuation

2 on the writing maturity scale

SCORE: 11

I love your characters and how well they work together. You have strong descriptions and the scene cuts are perfectly keeping the tension built up. I can't stop reading. I totally caught your star wars reference about sand. Nice twist that they're in Akh's son's reign, King Tut; I love it! Wait. I just realized that means they're going to have to kill him, right...? You did have a few missing and misplaced commas and some grammar and mispellings - normal mispellings, haha - but your entry was still smooth to read. The battle at the end was SO INTENSE. I felt SO bad for Starkad because he has to kill Ahk's son :( I hope Ahk doesn't hate him after this. Definitely drama-filled and action-packed as well. Man, I need to keep reading! It was hooking from start to finish. Great job! :)

jesusfreak202 (my husband did mine)

-0.3 for grammar

-0.2 for historical accuracy

-0.2 for punctuation

-0.5 realism in action

2 on the writing maturity scale

SCORE: 10.8

Several of your characters, their writing style deeply matched their speaking style and I could distinctly hear their speaking accents: gaelic, japanese, etc. It was a very well written piece and I actually had to focus to remain on task with editing. Walk through some of your action scenes, read them outloud to help you make sure it flows consistently.

Sara_R_Stark

-0.1 for historical accuracy

-0.1 for sentence structure

-0.2 for grammar

-0.3 for punctuation

-0.3 for spelling

-0.1 for sentence structure (repetitive sentences)

1.8 on the writing maturity scale, resulting in a 0.2 point deduction

SCORE: 10.7

I like how Kenneth's agents are still there going back in time and that you had your team be asssigned to fix it. It makes your situation with the broken timeline creative and unique, so great job. FEELS FOR HEIRON OH MY GOODNESS. I love the tension between your characters toward Ammon since he got to go home, it gives me feels for everyone. You're doing a great job of characterization and showing who your characters are and what they can do. Fantastic job!

If Alexander the Great was supposed to die in 323 B.C. and they're in 148 B.C. and he's the one conquering the city, then he would be 175 years old. So that's a little unrealistic that he lived that long, although I do love the idea and it's super creative!

Shermanblook

-1 for being a day late

-0.5 for grammar

-0.2 for sentence structure

-0.4 for punctuation

-0.2 for lack of description/details

1.9 on the writing maturity scale, resulting in a 0.1 point deduction

SCORE: 9.6

I enjoyed the love story between Chen and Hanunaphu and it definitely made me smile. It was a bit summerized, but I understand with a short entry that you had to do that. Although, a lot of what was going on didn't make sense. It would have been better to add in an explanation from Hanunaphu or someone else to clarify what was happening. That also didn't count toward fixing history in an empire, since the situation itself wasn't explained how the empire was saved, not clearly, but you really did the Greek one well (and one was all that was required, even though people could do up to two). I loved the creative idea on breaking the two Greeks up and how they did it, although it is sad. The ending was a shock; I wasn't expecting one of your own characters to die. The historical list was actually something I thought you were telling me, lol, then I read the next part of your entry so I was like WHOA. It made your entry feel realistic and tangible. You did lack description in some places so it was hard to not only see what your characters looked like, but who they are, so working on that will give you a 2 on the writing maturity scale. You also had a lot of syntax errors, but other than that, it was an enjoyable read. Great job!

MusicgirlXD

-1 for being late

-0.8 for punctuation

-0.3 for sentence structure

-0.2 for spelling

-0.3 for grammar

-0.1 for being slightly under word count

-0.5 for not directly showing how they fixed the timeline

1.7 on the writing maturity scale, resulting in a 0.3 point deduction

SCORE: 8.5

I love Hamon and you really showcased his character this time. He's really dark and kind of cruel but in a likeable way. It was short, but still really enjoyable to read. You did have issues with punctuation in dialogue - you would put periods and then include dialogue tags. "I have to walk the dog," she said. Is how it's supposed to look. I loved the dark twist with the death you took, and the cliff hanger you ended on, but unfortunately, you didn't actually show how they fixed history, even if they had freed the egyptians from the romans, the timeline would have been different, so I had to take off points from that. Other than that, great job. Keep it up. I can't wait to read what happens to Hamon next!

ZSB2000

-0.4 for grammar

-0.6 for punctuation

-2 for being two days late

-0.3 for spelling

-0.1 for lack of details

-1.1 for being over word count by 1,033

1.9 on the writing maturity scale, resulting in a 0.1 point deduction

SCORE: 7.4

I love your characterization and how each character feels like a real and tangible person. Turgen is so cute and I love he and Khen together. I also enjoyed that you and Several7s coordinated for part of it, but you still made your entry different enough that it wasn't repetitive. It was interesting reading that scene from Turgen's pov and I got so many feels for him. Falerius, seeing his wife, so MANY FEELS. I love how he thinks about what he wants to do with her and decides to do all of it, LOL. One part it wasn't clear who was speaking. You did have a few spelling mistakes, a missed quotation mark, a few misplaced commas and periods. Being late, and over the word count is what killed your score, so hand in earlier next time :P Very intense, action-packed, and creative endings for all three empires you did; it was unique, creative, and enjoyable to read.

TheCrazyMeifwaGirl

-1 for punctuation

- 3.5 for grammar

-0.1 for sentence structure

-1 for being late

1.8 on the writing maturity scale, resulting in a 0.2 point deduction

SCORE: 6.2

I really loved how well you showed me Argenti's character and your others in this entry. Your writing style is beautiful and enjoyable to read and your characterization and descriptions are strong. I'm also a Christian, so I love reading the Biblical paralells you include your entry and I am highly impressed at your creativity. I mean, you had Jesus in your entry and to think that they could have almost saved him but then couldn't because that would literally change history, not to mention the fate of the world. Elizabeth's emotions during this scene really got to me and felt a lot like I would have in that situation. You're such a great writer! You did have a few issues this round; you kept switching between present and past tense so as I read, I assumed you had meant to stay in present tense, since it's the one you did the most, which was where all your grammar msitakes came from (going back into past tense), which is where you just need to read through your entry to make sure it stays in either present tense (she walks the dog) or past tense (she walked the dog) consistently. You would have scored so much higher had the entry not fluctuated between tenses and not being late, which is what kind of killed your score, but you are an amazing writer and you have a beautiful style and like I said, it's so refreshing to read something incorporated with Christian beliefs! I loved reading your entry and I literally can't wait for the next one!