Cole made sure his hair was perfect before he slipped on his button up.  The seafoam of the crisp shirt made his eyes pop.  Or so that's what the lady at the store had told him.  Naomi tapped impatiently next to him, dramatically sighing as he finished getting dressed.  He turned to face her and glared.  "Do you have a problem?" he asked.

"You need to hurry up!  We're supposed to meet Paul at Quincey's in fifteen minutes and neither you nor the baby are dressed."  Robert De Niro sat on her back in the basket of clothes, staring blankly up at the ceiling like it was a contest.  In the midst of looking for the perfect shirt, Cole had tossed shirts in the basket, covering the small doll with a Henley tee.  Underneath the shirt, him wore only a diaper.

"Look, you can dress him if you want, okay?  I need to look good.  What if I see a hot guy there and I'm wearing this," he asked as he pulled out a wolf shirt.  He pointed the hanger at her before hooking it back on the shelf.

"You're terrible to your child," Naomi said with irritation.

"Oh please, I'm not Casey Anthony, okay, bitch?"

"You're like Kate Gosselin," she muttered on her way towards the basket.

"With better hair," Cole added, stepping into the bathroom to adjust his shirt.  He smiled with satisfaction.  This shirt was perfect.  He ran his fingers through the shagginess and winked at himself in the mirror.  "These guys better have those Life Alert necklaces.  They'll be falling all over me and they won't be able to get up."  From outside, he heard Naomi groan at his joke.  He laughed and turned off the lights on his way out of the bathroom.  Naomi had moved Robert to the bed and was struggling to get a pair of jeans on him.

"Help me, please," she said in exasperation.  Cole took over for her, gesturing to the doll's shoes.  It was easy for him to get the pants on, and he could feel Naomi's glare on his back without even looking.

"You're a girl, you wouldn't understand getting pants on with something in the way."

"Oh, whatever!  When you bleed, then you can tell me about the struggles."

"Gross," he cried in horror.  "We are going to dinner, Naomi.  I want an appetite when we get there!  Besides, there are children around."  He lifted Robert up gently, cupping the back of his head as he transported him from the bed to the carrier.  It took less than ten seconds for him to adjust the doll and lock the seatbelt around it.  He was becoming a pro, he could tell.

"Whatever.  Can we please just goooooo?"

"Fiiiiiiiine," he replied back, mocking her tone of voice.  "Make sure you get the coupon."

"Way ahead of you," she replied, waving the paper coupon in the air proudly.  Twenty dollars free when you spend twenty.  It was pretty much the best coupon Quincey's had ever put out, and she was so glad she'd stopped by those two creepy people in the park.  The old biddy and the long hair, don't care boy.  They preached to her about some website she'd heard people talking about, but what was more important was what was on the back.  They walked down the stairs, Naomi judging his outfit.

"Why are you even wearing that," she asked.  Holding the door open for her, she gave Cole another once over.  "We're eating barbecue, not goint to see a Celine Dion concert."

"Did you expect me to wear sweatpants and a basketball jersey?  No, that's Paul's look."  Naomi spun around quickly, shock on her face.  Cole stared blankly.

"You can't just say that, that's totally racist!"

"Oh, please!  On our way to school this morning, he told me to turn off my white people music."

"Miley Cyrus is white people music."

"True, but still.  I'm not being racist."

"You wouldn't look good in a white robe either," Naomi said, unlocking the doors to her Kia.  She climbed in the driver's side while she waited for Cole to carefully situate Robert in the backseat.  He struggled with the seatbelt before eventually getting it on like the videos he'd seen on YouTube.  Once he was finished, the boy hopped in the passenger's seat and put on his seatbelt.

"Let's go, Joe!" he said.

The drive down to Quincey's took a bit longer than Naomi had anticipated.  Thanks to all the coupons being handed out, everyone and their dog decided to come out and enjoy the food.  Cole drummed his fingers on the arm rest while they waited for a woman in a Toyota to pull out of her parking spot.  She drove off, and before Naomi could press the gas pedal, a Jeep sped into the opening.  Naomi honked her horn and cursed loudly.

"The hell is wrong with him?"

"Hit his car and kill his ass," Cole said, just as pissed as she was.  The five boys climbed out of the car and flipped Naomi and Cole off as they walked in front of her car.  Cole thought he spotted Noah in the collection of boys, but he couldn't have been too sure.  Naomi took a deep breath before anything else.  Then, she smiled and pressed the gas pedal.  The car lurched forward and jerked to a sudden stop, but it was enough to scare the boys.  They ran inside without looking back.  Cole muttered an, "Assholes."

The only spots open were the ones in the back of the parking lot.  Everyone knew that at night, if you had a hankering to get shanked and left for dead, that was the place to park.  Naomi sighed and parked her car in the closest car to the light, grabbing her bag from the backseat.  Cole climbed out and adjusted his shirt while he waited for Naomi to walk around the car.  "Seriously," he heard her complain, "those guys better not be sitting by our regular spot.  I'll probably slit them open with a rib bone."

"So violent," Cole mumbled, slinging an arm around her shoulder as he walked with her towards the entrance.  Once they reached the door, he paused.

"What's wrong?" Naomi asked.  Cole grabbed her keys from her hand and spun on his heels, sprinting back to her car.  Naomi took off after him.  "What're you doing?" she yelled, her breath ragged once she came to a jog.  Cole opened the backseat and carefully undid the seatbelt around Robert's carrier.  "Dude...  You almost forgot your baby."

"No, I was just getting in a workout before we ate.  I didn't forget him."

"You totally did.  Gimme him," she said, snatching the baby and sashaying away.  Cole closed the door and locked up the car before jogging after her.  "...and he's supposed to be the responsible one of the two.  Your other daddy is a douchebag, too.  But thankfully you have me to take care of you, huh?"

"Are you talking to him?" he asked once he'd caught up.  She nodded and walked at the same pace, glancing at him out of the corner of her eye.  "He's not real."

"That's why I'm holding him and you're not.  Your baby is definitely real, and he has emotions, too."  This was the reason he never got into it with Naomi.  No matter what he said, she was always right, and that was the end of that.  When you were on her side, it rocked, and when you weren't, it was terrible.  Instead of continuing the argument he knew he was going to lose, Cole held the door open for her and Robert.  He followed her inside, the familiar smell of barbecue filling his nose.  He inhaled deeply.

"Alright, where's Paul?" he heard Naomi ask to herself, scanning the crowd of people sitting at a variety of tables.  He spotted his neighbors, Patty and Chris, and send a wave and smile their way.  After a moment of searching, Naomi found Paul and headed towards him.  Cole followed behind.  As he walked, he noticed the people around him eyeing Naomi oddly.

"They're staring at you," he whispered in her ear.  She turned back to look at an older woman eating fries by herself.  She looked the teenage girl up and down and made a snarky expression.  Naomi glanced at the woman, the carrier in her hand, and then back at the woman.

"It's a fake baby, so stop staring at me with that stupid ass smirk on your face," she hissed.  The woman - shocked at the animosity - looked away.  Naomi was pleased with herself.  Cole couldn't help but laugh a little as they took a seat in the booth with Paul.  Naomi handed the baby to Cole and he put it in the seat first, scooting in afterwards.

"I see Naomi's feeling extra catty today," Paul commented.  Naomi flipped a lock of hair over her shoulder.

"It is what it is.  Some people just get to me."

"By some people, do you mean everyone?" Cole asked, his eyebrow raised.

"Obviously," she grinned.  Before Cole could begin a new conversation, a perky blonde waitress appeared at their table, menus in hand.  By some kind of magic, the buttons on her tight polo held her breasts inside, and Paul's eyes found their new favorite sight.

"Hi there!  Welcome to Quincey's, my name's Tanya and I'll be your server tonight.  Can I get you folks something to drink?"

"I'll have a rootbeer," Paul said.

"Coke for me, please," Cole answered, his eyes never leaving the menu.

"And I," Naomi said, "will have Mountain Dew, if you have that."

"Mhm!  We have diet Mountain Dew, too, if you'd like that."

"Nope, I love the sugar," Naomi smiled.

"Oh my gosh, me too!  It's practically what gets me through the day!" Tanya exclaimed, quickly scribbling down the drinks on her notepad.  "Alrighty, I'll have your drinks super, super quick, and then I'll give ya some time to pick what you want to eat."

"Okiedokie.  Thanks!" said Cole.  Tanya disappeared into the back of the restaurant a moment later.  "Alright, so, let's pick something to eat that'll count for this coupon."

The rest of the night followed this order: sex joke, eating food, sex joke, trying to make a Coke's Mountain Beer without spilling everything, another sex joke, jokes about sex jokes, pretending to feed the baby and getting barbecue sauce in his eye, and a few more sex jokes and puns as the climax of the night.  Paul stifled a sloppy burp and wiped his lips clean.  Naomi shot him a weak side-eye glare but cracked a smile.  It was rare to hear Paul burp, which made it that much funnier when he did.

"God," Paul breathed, digging through his wallet.  "Got lucky.  Just enough to pay for my meal.  Who's gonna use the coupon?"

"I said Cole could," Naomi replied, sliding the piece of paper across the table.  Cole twirled it between his fingers as she removed a ten and a five dollar bill from her small brown clutch.  "Alrighty, let's head out."  As Naomi began to move from her seat, Tanya rushed forward, a sad look on her face.

"Oh no, guys.  I'm sorry, I didn't get the chance to tell you!  Those coupons everyone is bringing in aren't real coupons.  We have no idea how everyone got them, but they won't work.  I'm so, so sorry."  The table was silent.  The three of them knew that there wasn't enough money to pay for Cole's meal.

"Come on, Tanya," Paul muttered, finally taking his eyes off her chest.

"I'm sorry," she said shamefully, hanging her head for a moment.  "I...  I have to go to other tables.  They watched as she went to another table to take care of the customers.  Cole exchanged a look with his friends.

"Um... what are we gonna do?" Paul asked, breaking the table's silence.

"I don't want to wash dishes...  So, you guys leave your money and leave, and I'll head to the bathroom and try and get out somehow," Cole replied.  Naomi stared at him with disbelief.

"We're just gonna dine and dash?" she asked just a bit too loud.  The two boys shushed her.

"Look, I'll come back tomorrow with some money, okay?  But I don't have anything on me because of the coupon."  Paul sighed.  This wasn't something he would ever condone, but what other option did they have?

"Alright, fine.  But be careful, okay, man?  Just text us if anything happens."

"Okay, I will," he said, smiling confidently.  Now, if only he could really feel that assured.  He watched as Naomi and Paul slid from the booth.  Naomi slung her bag from her shoulder and gave Cole an encouraging wink.  The two of them headed out of the door as if nothing was up.  Cole felt as if everyone was watching him.  Paranoia crept up his neck.  At any moment, the manager would come storming out and demand money from him.  Carefully, Cole lifted Robert's carrier and placed it on the clean side of the table.  He adjusted the blanket carefully.  He turned the carrier away from everyone else as not to draw attention to his fake baby.

To his dismay, Cole spotted Tanya heading towards him once more.  "Uh -" he said nervously.  "Uh, can I get a... a - a to-go cup for this soda?"  She looked at his drink and nodded.  Cole heard a small coughing noise coming from the baby and knew he was being fussy.  Instead of quickly taking care of it, he let the baby begin to cry.  From the expression on the woman's face, Tanya was worried about Robert.

"Aw, he sounds hungry," she said.  She began turning the carrier.  Cole, thinking on his feet, jumped up from his seat and hid the baby's face with the blanket.

"I think he made a mess, actually," he laughed awkardly.  "I'm gonna head to the men's room and change him up really quickly."

"Oh, definitely.  I'll put your cup down on the table for you when you get back."

"Ya rock, Tanya!" he said over his shoulder as he briskly walked towards the bathroom.  He sighed with relief as he pushed through the backdoor.  He didn't realize his heart was pounding until he was outside.  Immediately he began undoing the baby's seatbelt and grabbing the bottle to feed him.  He held the carrier in the crook of his arm while he pressed the plastic bottle to Robert's lips.  Instincts kicked in and Cole began rocking while he fed.

He moved away from the exit and stood under the light against the wall, looking around silently.  The soft suckling noises that sounded from Robert were all he heard.  Eventually, he had to put the baby's carrier down on the ground.  That thing weighed a ton!  Noah stood in front of him once he began feeding Robert.  "Jesus," Cole exclaimed.

"Not exactly," Noah smiled.

"What're you doing here?  You were with those guys that stole our parking spot, huh?"

"Well, I didn't see a name on it, but yes, I was with those guys."

"They're assholes," Cole muttered.  Noah took a step closer and leaned against the wall next to the other boy.

"They're fun, I guess.  They like when I talk about you."

"You talk about me?"

"From time to time.  Don't ask what I say, though.  You wouldn't like it."  Cole wasn't sure why he was being told this at all then.  It seemed unnecessarily roundabout.

"Okay, then.  Well, I talk about you, too."

"Yeah?"

"Yeah."

"What do you say?"  Noah's mouth lifted into a crooked smile.  He ran a hand through his dark hair, waiting for an answer.

"I...  I call you a dick sometimes."

"Why?"

"'Cause you are a dick.  Well, not right now, but when you're being a dick... you're being a dick," he laughed, hoping Noah understood what he was trying to say.

"Well if I remember correctly, you liked my -"

"Oh my god, stop," Cole said with exasperation.  "No more sex talk around this baby.  He's gonna be a man slut like his dad."

"Which one?"

"I'm sure you can figure it out," Cole teased.  Noah looked at the baby once it gave the chime signaling  it was done eating.  Cole sighed with relief and returned the baby to his carrier.  Noah watched silently.  "Well, I guess I better get going.  It was... good talking to you."

"You too," Noah replied.  Cole nodded and began walking past the boy.  "Hey."  Cole turned around and Noah leaned in to kiss him.  Shocked, he didn't pull away immediately.

"I, no..." he whispered, backing away.  "I can't.  I just...  I'm sorry."  Cole turned and walked away, fighting the urge to look over his shoulder at the boy.  He heard a voice call out.

"Yeah, I'm sorry, too, Cole," the voice said with affliction.  Cole walked faster, his stomach twisting in continous knots.  That wasn't supposed to happen.  He shouldn't have let Noah kiss him.  There was nothing between them, and that had to stay that way.  Everyone would end up hurt again if things went back to the way they were.  Finally he reached the car and opened the door, putting Robert in his seat.