─── ･ ｡ﾟ☆: *.☽ .* :☆ﾟ. ───

❝ You can't hide your feelings all the time ❞

🎼

C H A P T E R S E V E N T E E N

CHANGMIN STEPS BACK AND CASTS his chocolate eyes down. It's a start to a relationship that may blossom into something more, but it's hard enough to hide his feelings for the boy.

Thinking about Kevin's words again, he turns in the other direction and walks away anyway, Though he wants to stay and be his friend, he isn't so sure if it's the right choice.

Kevin catches Changmin by his hand and he knows something isn't right when their gazes meet.

A flash of uncertainty glitters in Changmin's eyes, releasing his hand from Kevin's grasp, and he clears his throat. The clap of thunder startles them, causing the lights to vanish, draping the room in complete darkness. Kevin hugs Changmin tightly, hiding his face in his right shoulder, feeling his heart hammer against his chest.

And as he raises his head, locking eyes with him, a foreign emotion blooms inside him and quickly wilts, breaking him apart petal by petal.

Kevin immediately moves back, flickering his gaze down to the floor. "Sorry, if I startled you," he breathes out a laugh, and a smile forces itself onto his pale anguished remembering the thunder and lightning in the dimly lit hospital the moment the doctor announced his mother's death.

"Kevin, hey. It's okay."

"I just— I panicked for a second. I don't want you to think or worry about me or anything," Kevin says, voice wavering. Tears start to well in his mocha eyes like a flame burning unsteady, chest tightening, and it feels like he's lost in a void of darkness with no way out of the dark past.

Every time. Every single damn time. Every time it's his mother.

His choice to play the piano was because of his mother. His dad wouldn't understand even after the argument they had a year ago, and it flashes across his mind like a tape on rewind, playing the bad moments.

"You don't have to be there for me and forget that I asked you to be my friend." Kevin flinches just a little, feeling Changmin's hands squeeze his shoulder.

"I don't know why you're afraid of the dark and I'm not expecting you to tell me why right now," Changmin takes a step back to look at Kevin, "just know, you're strong, and I'm proud of you," his eyes soften, reaching a hand out to wipe away the tears streaming down his cheek. "I'm not a ghost, by the way, if you're worried about that," he laughs.

"I don't think you're a ghost but an angel always there at the right time," Kevin says, tone serious. The tears subside even though his eyes glisten and he takes a sharp breath, finding himself getting lost in the dancer's warm and sanguine chocolate eyes twinkling, completely, and utterly making him forget the boy who had his heart.

Holding eye contact with Changmin has become easy but when he steps forward, and suddenly leans against him, his heart rate quickens. "Are you okay?" Kevin blinks, holding a breath.

"No," Changmin moves back, gazing into his eyes affectionately. "I don't think you know how much it hurts seeing you sad, even seeing you smile aches my heart."

"You don't always have to care about me and be there for me because I'll get used to it."

"And if I suddenly stop?"

"I'll miss you because I won't see you as much."

"I won't be able to stop myself from caring about you," Changmin steps forward to whisper in Kevin's ear. A ghost of a smile traces his lips, taking a step back to meet his gaze. Kevin's breath hitches, mocha eyes widening, replaying Changmin's words in his mind.

"What do you mean?"

"That's a secret, Moon," Changmin chuckles and caresses his hair before leaving back to his bedroom. Kevin grabs Changmin's arm, desperate to find the answer, hearing his heartbeat resonate in his ears as he meets Changmin's concerned gaze.

"I don't like secrets," Kevin's grip around Changmin's arm tightens.

"Some things aren't meant to be said aloud."

Then Changmin disappears, leaving Kevin standing alone with his thoughts orbiting around his mind.

. . .

KEVIN HAS BEEN ROLLING BACK AND FORTH IN BED FOR THE PAST HOUR, THINKING ABOUT CHANGMIN. Thinking about what his words mean and how he plays with his heart with that easy smile playing on his face, his eyes holding secrets he hasn't said aloud, appearing like an angel sent from heaven just to protect the boy.

Yes, he's thought about Changmin and compared him to an angel several times already.

If he's being honest, maybe, just maybe his heart has started beating for the dancer instead.

But are these feelings only temporary because he's there for him? Because Kevin wanted someone to stay and be there, and not leave him with endless guilt, pain, and questions silently engulfing him?

Kevin doesn't know.

Checking the time on his phone, he slips out of bed, footsteps light as he trudges towards the kitchen for a glass of water. The sudden defeating thunder makes him jump, turning around to catch the lightning flash through the transparent currents hanging like a waterfall.

He takes a breath, a long and deep one. Yet, his heart sinks as a memory flashes in his mind.

He sat next to him to his mom lying on the hospital bed with an oxygen mask covering her face.

The rain and thunder were the only sounds to his ears as he watched his mother's chest rise and fall, keeping him sane, seeing her cheeks flushed. Glancing at the heart monitor every now and then had, however, kept him awake.

He couldn't sleep.

What if his mother died and he was asleep?

He's still afraid.

Afraid of losing someone he loves.

Afraid of falling too fast and too hard. Afraid of being selfish.

Afraid of the truth.

Kevin can't deny that he feels safe with Changmin and his absence may have a huge effect on him if he decides to leave, knowing he makes him feel stronger, feel safe, and cared for.

There will always be someone better for him. Someone who loves him unconditionally.

Someone who will stay and not pretend, or lie.

Even if this is all just to make him forget, make him move on, make him realize the love he deserves for isn't the boy who plays the guitar and has a golden heart.

Even if this is giving him false hope, he will take it and be brave.

He needs to let go and not turn back this time.

Jacob was the sunshine in his life.

The glass of water is left forgotten and the only thing on his mind is the dancer.

The urge to find out the secret he's been hiding beside the sad stories he sees twinkling in his eyes.

Changmin too has a heartbreaking past it seems and he doesn't bring it up, or maybe not in front of him. This desperation—a hurricane twisting, destroying everything in its path calms down like molten lava touching ice, melting. The clouds disappear and light rain falls.

The air is clear and it's when he's around him that he understands the peace that comes after a storm. Despite chasing after the fire and as an unsteady, emotional chaos like him, instead, glows brightly when he's with cool water glittering from the sunlight that is the dancer.

Kevin thought fire with fire would be okay.

Never did he once think fire and water would be okay.

He still isn't certain about his feelings for the dancer, he figures, and it's okay.

Right now, he just wants to cherish the moments he has with him before he's gone.

Kevin finds himself in front of Changmin's door, arm extended to lightly knock. Before he knocks, the door swings open, and Kevin's heart skips a beat.

"I can't sleep . . . is it okay if I—"

"I know you're scared of the thunder. You don't have to ask me, Moon."

Hearing the dancer call the pianist moon strikes him again at the thought of why he fell in love with his best friend. Kevin's mother had used to call him, moon, as a child. Nobody else called him that besides his mother.

The way he calls him by that name, his voice gentle and full of endearment, his dark eyes lingering with sleep gazing into his eyes makes Kevin smile, a warm smile.

"You're cute when you're sleepy, you know that right?"

Changmin pulls Kevin by his arm and pins him against his bedroom door, holding gazes with him, and locks him between his arms on either side of him. "Don't do that," he whispers under his breath.

"Don't do what?" Kevin smirks and a giggle escapes his mouth, catching Changmin by surprise.

"Don't smile like that, idiot," Changmin's cheeks burn and he rips his gaze away, anywhere, but at Kevin.

"Why can't I? It's not like I want to. You're the reason why I'm smiling—"

"It makes me want to kiss you."