"Death is not the opposite of life but a part of it"

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Chapter Three

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The next day you met with Obi-Wan in the Room of Waterfalls again. He was sitting under near the fall Bruck fell off, which meant it was a bad day and he was extremely upset. Just like the day before you sat next to him silently, but this time you waited for him to speak first.

"Master has decided I'm ready to take my Trials."

"Obi-Wan that's amazing! That means we can be Knights together! With your negotiation skills and my linguistics knowledge we could get sent on tons of missions together..." you trailed off when you noticed that Obi-Wan wasn't becoming happier, "There's something more to it, isn't there?"

"The Council refused to allow Anakin to train as a Jedi, so my Master offered to take him as his Padawan."

"But he already has you as his Padawan... which means that he suggested you for the Trials so he could take on Anakin."

Your stomach sank when Obi-Wan nodded. Master Qui-Gon was a great man and an even better Jedi, but he had been an awful Master for Obi-Wan. Master Yoda pushed them together to help Qui-Gon heal, disregarding how much pressure that put on Obi-Wan. That also meant their relationship started very strained with many mistakes on both sides. They were much better now, but the damage was done.

"Master hasn't even mentioned the Trials to me before this! I wouldn't have had to prepare for a year, but some notice would have been nice. The way he announced it denounced me in front of the entire Council, and I was forced to stand there and act like I knew what was happening. All of them were looking at me like they knew what was going on."

"That's awful, Obi-Wan. He shouldn't have broached the subject that way," you put a comforting hand on his shoulder.

"On top of that, the Council is sending us back to Naboo tonight as well because the Queen is returning."

"She is? Does she not realize how dangerous that is?"

"I'm afraid she's desperate enough that she doesn't care. She wants to help her people no matter what... there's something else. I was unsure whether or not I should tell you until the Council came to a conclusion, but you've been on many research missions with Master Plo about the Dark Side."

"Yes?"

"On Tatooine, we encountered a Zabrak with a red lightsaber. He used it very well, had formal training. Master believes him to be a Sith."

Your breath was knocked out of your lungs. There hadn't been any Sith for centuries. Darksiders had come and gone like Xanatos, but no Sith. Recently, the Dark Side of the Force had become more powerful, but you had chalked that up to your own stress and need for more meditation. It seemed like the entire Force was feeling the effects of the Sith's return, however, not just you.

"And you?"

"Darkness ebbed off him in waves. He was so angry and hateful. The Council believes that if the Queen returns to Naboo then he will as well. They wish for me and Master to confront him and bring him back for questioning."

"I doubt it will be that easy."

"As do I," Obi-Wan sighed, "All of this has been overwhelming."

"I'm sure. But you'll get through it Obi-Wan, you always do. I'll always be here to help as well, you know that," you moved a bit closer to him, ducking under his arm when he wrapped it around your shoulders.

"I do, and I'm very thankful for your support."

The tender moment made you think of the datapad in your nightstand, simply waiting to be sent it for filing. If Master Yoda approved the form and gave it to you so readily, then the Force must have really been sure of you and Obi-Wan.

Closing your eyes, you tried to bask in Obi-Wan's warmth and the sounds of the waterfalls around you. If the Force truly willed it then it would happen. You wouldn't push it unnecessarily until then.

"I think you'll make a fine Knight," you whispered, "We're both a bit young for the title, we can find our way together."

The two of you sat in silence for a while, basking in each other's presence. While you masked your Force presence around the vast majority of people in the Temple, you let more of your natural one out around Obi-Wan. He'd known you long enough that the darker sides of it weren't upsetting.

"Obi-Wan, there's something that I've kept from you," you said quietly, unwilling to ruin the moment. Obi-Wan turned his head to look at you, but didn't say anything, "Well, I haven't kept it from you, but I think it's time I outright told you... I'm a Gray Jedi."

"A Gray Jedi?"

"I figured it out when we were young. I see the Force differently, use it differently. It's not Light and Dark to me, all of it is simply the Force and the path I must go down. It's why my lightsaber is purple."

"Lightside blue and Darksider red," Obi-Wan guessed and you nodded in confirmation. He didn't seem upset which was good, just curious.

"The Council knows, they have since we activated our lightsabers years ago. We came to an... agreement. As long as I stayed at the Temple I would have to abide by a majority of the rules and the Code, with some leniency relating to what I learned and the methods I could use on missions."

"I always assumed the Council would immediately expel someone who didn't lean heavily in the Light," Obi-Wan mused.

Nudging him gently, you smiled teasingly, "Your Force signature radiates so much light that you've never had anything to worry about. But I was surprised as well as a child, and I'm always surprised when they're - mostly - understanding about the small amounts of the Dark Side I tap into. Master Plo has been the most understanding of them all, which is why we were such a good pair and always on research trips."

"Do you ever..." Obi-Wan hesitated, "Do you ever feel the temptation to Fall?"

"All the time. It's worse when I use Dark Side methods. But I've lived this way for years, and I know what I can and can't do. I'm firmly gray, and I'm determined to stay that way. I will not Fall Obi-Wan, not when it means losing those close to me."

"I'm glad you told me."

That was the end of it. Obi-Wan was still leaking some distress into the Force, but contentment overpowered that now. There was no anger or disgust. You felt like you could breathe for the first time in years now that he knew. There would always be things you kept from each other for whatever reason, but this was eating you from the inside out.

The two of you stayed like that for a while longer, his arm wrapped around you and you leaning into his warmth. He'd be leaving for Naboo that night, and anxiety churned in your gut at the thought. The mission wouldn't be as simple as capturing the Sith. The Dark Side was swirling. You could feel it much better now that you knew to look.

Finally, Obi-Wan's comm chirped and you knew it was time for him to go. Standing with him, you pulled him into a quick but tight hug.

"May the Force be with you," you whispered, "Be safe."

"I'll return soon, (Y/n)," Obi-Wan assured you, and that at the very least was something you could believe, "We'll see each other again as soon as this is over."

~*~

The next time you saw Obi-Wan was at Qui-Gon's funeral.

By all means, the mission had gone as well as it could have. Naboo was safe, the Viceroy of the Trade Federation had been taken into custody, and the Sith had been taken care of. But Qui-Gon had died as well, and now Obi-Wan was without a master.

All dead Jedi are to be burned at a special place in the Temple, surrounded by their fellow Jedi. However, Qui-Gon was now considered a hero of Naboo, and special permission was given for the Queen, her handmaidens, and several of her guards to attend the funeral as well. Along with her was the newly elected Chancellor Palpatine. You kept your distance from him. There was something strangely... familiar about his minimal Force presence and it made you uncomfortable.

"What will happen to me now?" You heard the young boy, Anakin Skywalker, as Obi-Wan.

"The Council has granted me permission to train you. You will be a Jedi, I promise."

Frowning slightly, you pulled your hood farther up your face to hide your expression. Obi-Wan was in no state to train Anakin, no matter how many emotions he released into the Force.

From the other side of the room, you felt both Master Yoda and Master Windu's Force presence reaching out for you, requesting your presence. Ever so silently, you moved across the room to meet with them in the corner.

"There is no doubt. The mysterious warrior was a Sith."

"Always two there are... no more... no less. A master and an apprentice."

"But which one was destroyed, the master or the apprentice?" Master Windu asked, then turned to you, "What say you, Knight Pavond?"

Humming quietly under your breath, your eyes strayed to Master Qui-Gon on the pyre, "If you will allow me to go to Naboo with Obi-Wan during their celebration in two days, then I will see if I can discern anything from the energy left behind."

"Thank you, Knight Pavond."

"There is one more thing," you spoke quickly, concerned you would be denied right off the bat, "I fear that Obi-Wan is in no state to train an apprentice at the moment. I would wish to be the one to train Anakin for the first month to allow Obi-Wan to recover."

"Never before done, this has been," Master Yoda frowned.

"There has never been a Knighted Gray Jedi before, either," you pointed out, "I realize that Obi-Wan should release his sadness into the Force, but I believe we are all aware mourning is a bit more complicated than that. You have fears concerning Anakin, I can sense them. To have him begin his training with a new Knight not yet over the death of his master could be disastrous."

Master Windu and Master Yoda exchanged looks and nods, "We will grant you permission to train the boy for a month whilst Obi-Wan becomes used to his new rank. But Knight Pavond, we sense a great potential for the Dark Side in this young one, you must keep his teachings strictly in the Light."

"With all due respect, Master Windu, if you believe Anakin to have leanings toward the Dark Side then a Gray teaching standpoint may be the best thing for him- the chosen one must be balanced themself to bring balance after all. Additionally, treating this child with disdain will not improve his trust in the Council. He has been thrust into an entirely new world after nine years on an Outer Rim planet. Fear is inevitable until he learns to deal with it. Masters," with a bow, you left them alone.

"Obi-Wan," you approached your dearest friend and set a gentle hand on his shoulder, "The Council has granted me permission to train Anakin for a month to grant you time to acclimate to being a Knight and to mourn."

"I promised my Master-"

"Obi-Wan, you will be the one to train Anakin, but you can't do that properly if you aren't in the right state of mind. It will only be for a month and most of our time will likely only be studies to catch him up with his peers."

Nodding, Obi-Wan motioned to Anakin so you could introduce yourself and went off- presumably to speak to Master Yoda and Master Windu. You kneeled in front of the boy and held out your hand.

"Hello, Anakin. My name is (Y/n). I'm sure you heard me talking to Obi-Wan. I'm going to be your Master for the first month of your training."

The boy's Force signature flinched rather than his body. Head tilting, you asked, "Is something wrong with that, Anakin?"

"No, Master." there it was again "Padawan Kenobi seems very sad, I know he needs time."

"Is it about you calling me Master, Anakin?" Anakin shifted, and you knew you were on the right track, "You're from Tatooine, aren't you? I know slavery is very common out there. Are you- were you a slave Anakin?"

Anakin nodded just enough so you could see and your heart dropped. Obviously, Obi-Wan didn't know of this, and the Council didn't either. Otherwise, they would have been more understanding of his discomfort. The simple act of hearing so many people call those around them 'Master' must have been uncomfortable.

"I will inform the Council of this, Anakin-"

"I can still be a good Jedi, I promise!" Anakin grabbed the sleeve of your robe. You placed your hand over his, giving it a reassuring squeeze.

"I'm not telling the Council so they can kick you out, Anakin. There are protocols for things like this. Slavery can be very traumatic, and you'll need to heal as well as learn."

"The Council doesn't like me already, how can you be sure?"

"Anakin, I promise it isn't that they don't like you. When it comes to bringing a child to the Temple there are steps one must go through. Instead of doing that, Qui-Gon demanded that the Temple accept you. This was very frustrating for them, and they should not have taken that frustration out on you, but they did. I will speak to the Council and make the proper arrangements. You'll likely need vaccinations, and I'd like for you to see a mind healer."

"What's a mind healer?"

"You speak to them about what troubles you and they help you process it. There are many Jedi who think they are useless, but I believe they are actually very helpful. I have seen one many times in the past after difficult missions."

Letting go of your sleeve hesitantly, Anakin nodded. Smiling, you then added, "And I would prefer you not call me Master until you are comfortable with it. You may call me (Y/n) in private, and Mentor (Y/n) in front of others. The Council will likely allow you to do the same with other Jedi."

"Thank you, (Y/n)," Anakin wrapped his arms around you in a hug. Attachment was forming. You wrapped your arms around him. He needed love, reassurance. You would never deny him of that.

"Knight Pavond," Chancellor Palpatine stepped up behind you, and you fought back the urge to tense, "I would like to congratulate you on your knighting. I have heard it was quite impressive how you passed your Trials."

"Thank you, Chancellor Palpatine. Becoming a Knight was a great honor for me," you stood and bowed your head slightly, subtly pushing Anakin behind you.

"A great honor indeed. I am sure you will do well with your newfound freedom," the Chancellor smiled, and your skin crawled, "Master Yoda and Master Windu mentioned that you would begin Young Skywalker's training. I was under the impression Padawan Kenobi would do so in place of his fallen master."

You forced a small smile onto your face, unsure of how genuine it looked, "Yes, well, I believed that Obi-Wan should have some time to become used to his new position. I still have my former master to go to for wisdom, Obi-Wan no longer has that luxury."

"A very kind thing for you to do," Chancellor Palpatine looked down to where Anakin was peeking out from behind your back, "You will do well under Knight Pavond, Young Skywalker. Good day to you both."

As soon as the Chancellor was out of hearing range you knelt in front of Anakin and held his arms tightly, "Anakin, I want you to stay away from him, do you understand me?"

"Why? He seems really nice! He said he'd be watching my career."

There were several things you could have said, several explanations you could have given that would have potentially only confused Anakin. But, there was one way to ensure that Anakin would forever be wary of the new Chancellor, no matter how vile the unfounded accusation was.

"Anakin, were there ever Masters who... hurt children? Perhaps they hit them too, but this would have been a different kind of hurt. They could have touched them when the child didn't want them to."

Anakin's breath hitched, "But- but the Chancellor was nice! He wouldn't do that!"

"Anakin, this isn't the Outer Rim. Hurting children like that is illegal, which means people do it in secret. Someone like the Chancellor can't be known to hurt children like that, which means he'll be very careful and secretive.."

"And you think he wants to do it to me?"

"I think that the Chancellor is very good with words and at getting what he wants. He can and will twist your thoughts Anakin, make you feel as though you have no one to turn to but him." You had no idea how you knew what the Chancellor would do with Anakin, but the words were spilling out of your mouth so quickly that you didn't even have time to think them up, "Even if he never touched you, he would do that. If the Chancellor tries to speak to you alone, I want you to find an adult to go with you. Me, Obi-Wan, Master Windu- anyone. Do you understand?"

"Yes."

"Promise me that you will stay away from him, Anakin."

"I promise."

Letting out a quiet sigh of relief, you pulled Anakin into a quick hug and stood to find Obi-Wan. You'd give Anakin to him whilst you discussed Anakin's past and future with the Council. Then you'd collect Anakin to get the essentials with him and get him temporarily settled in the extra room in your apartment- the room you didn't think would be lived in for many years.

~*~

"PEACE!" Boss Nass held up the peace orb and the crowd roared in response.

The celebrations continued. Anakin was animatedly talking with Padmé, and you were a few feet away keeping a close eye on him. The Chancellor was with the Council, but he could easily move to speak to Anakin when you weren't paying attention.

"Master's last words were about him," Obi-Wan told you quietly, his eyes also on Anakin, "He said I had to train him and that he was the Chosen One. Twelve years and he just... forgot about me in the end."

"Oh, Obi-Wan," it was obvious Obi-Wan had been holding that in since Qui-Gon's death but hadn't felt safe to say it anywhere else.

He'd had his Knighting ceremony the day after Qui-Gon's burning, and you, Bant, Garen, and Quin simply sat in Obi-Wan's apartment (formerly his and Qui-Gon's) with him, drinking tea and reminiscing together. It wasn't the party any of you expected, but it was still nice.

The day after that you were with Anakin nearly the entire day in the medical wing, catching him up on missed immunizations and setting up appointments with the mind healer you thought would be best for him.

Now the two of you were on the steps of the Nabooian palace surrounded by people and noise, a good cover for such a serious conversation.

"I always worked so hard to make him happy with me, and it didn't even matter in the end."

"Why don't we go inside?" You left Obi-Wan for just a moment to speak to Padmé, "Your Majesty, would it be alright if Obi-Wan and I found a room within the palace to speak? I'm afraid the festivities are a bit overwhelming given recent events."

"Of course! Sabé can lead you to a sitting room," Padmé turned to speak to her closest handmaiden, and you knelt down to speak to Anakin.

"You remember our promise?"

"Yes, Mentor."

"Good. Obi-Wan and I will be back soon. Have fun until then," you winked at him, then stood to your full height again when Sabé approached you with a smile.

The bubbly girl led you and Obi-Wan to a sitting room near the entrance of the palace, which would be convenient when you were ready to return to the festivities. The two of you sat down across from each other and a servant immediately flitted in with cups of tea which you thanked them for. You were suddenly reminded of the boxes of Polta tea in your room, and made a mental note to give them to Obi-Wan when you got back.

"Master Qui-Gon was not the best choice of Master for you," you held a hand up to stop Obi-Wan before he could speak, "I'm not meaning to speak ill of him. I know you looked up to him, and he was a good man and wonderful Jedi. But he wasn't a good Master for you. Master Yoda pushed you together to help Qui-Gon heal, but he disregarded how much pressure that would put on you. You have spent the last twelve years trying to be perfect, knowing that Qui-Gon didn't want you as his apprentice at first. In doing so, you've been chipping away at yourself. I hate seeing you falling apart, Obi-Wan. You should not have needed to be perfect to be his Padawan. I have made many, many mistakes under Master Plo, and he never held them against me the way Master Qui-Gon did you.

"I know you feel unimportant, unneeded, and that you overcompensate and overwork to make up for that. I know that you will never place rightfully deserved blame on Qui-Gon and will always wish you could have been better. But Obi-Wan, you have always been enough, and no matter what mistakes you make I will always choose you. Do you understand me?"

Obi-Wan's eyes were wide, and you watched several tears fall from them. Obi-Wan didn't even seem to notice because he made no move to wipe them away. Reaching across the caf table in front of you, you took his hand and squeezed it tightly.

"I'm sorry I didn't say this sooner," you whispered, feeling tears of your own well up in your eyes.

"I believe I should see the mind healers again," Obi-Wan mumbled.

"Yes, you should. You have four more weeks until Anakin becomes your Padawan, I want you to use those to recover- truly recover. Take the time to reflect on your time as a Padawan and what you want from the future."

Obi-Wan stood, stepped around the table, and pulled you into his arms. Sighing, you practically melted into his warm embrace. It was heavenly, and a comfort that both of you desperately needed without realizing it.

I love you, was on the tip of your tongue, so ready to be said and heard and reacted to.

Not yet the Force whispered in the back of your mind, and you listened. It wasn't the time. Not yet.

Until then, you would enjoy what you had.