Every year i struggle. Bullying, beating, bruises, scars. Everything broken. Every year i pretend. Pretend to be okay. Every year i fake myself, fake my smile, fake my happiness. Every year i feel the same emptiness, and i fall. And every year i fall deeper and deeper into a void of self-hate. A big bear hug with depression. And my best friend is anxiety. This is my life. And every year i feel like dying.

My name is; Xian Saint Fernandez Brown. I'm sixteen, black hair and purple eyes, from my mother. I'm tan, as my father is Spanish. My father is Cole Matthew Fernandez Bucket, and my mother is Coleen Katherine Brown. Though they're not in a relationship anymore, as my dad fell in love With the ninja of fire, and my mom fell for the water ninja. All in all i have five siblings. Two from my mom and dad, which are Lukas Martin Fernandez Brown and Diana Angel Fernandez Brown. A pair of twins from Dad and Kai, which names is Kou and Cathy Smith. And one from Mom and Nya, and her name is Lola Brown.

Even with my magic and my super-strength i feel weak. I feel lonely.

It's not like i don't have anyone, actually i feel like i have too many at times. And they're not mean to me or anything. It's just that.. I'm not like them, happy. And i have no good reason to be unhappy, i just am.

Many people trust me and depends on me. I'm like a leader for my siblings. They believe i have control. They believe that i know what i'm doing, but i don't.

I'm gay, and everyone knows. I came out early in February this year. And that's the reason that some people choose to shit talk about me and bully me about it. They say i'm weird, not worth it. Mostly guys do those things, most girls are still head over heels for me. It sucks that i have to reject them just because i want a boyfriend.

But, the person who didn't take it too well was my best friend, Kabaz. Or, he WAS my best friend, he rarely even looks me in the eyes anymore. I feel like he hates me.

Flashback
Xian, as the sixteen-year-old boy he is, only spoke to his closest. And one of the guys he spoke the most to was thirteen-year-old Kabaz, who was already at that time experimenting on new things, like kissing. But, he had never in his life experimented on a boy. Only all the girls in his class and the grade over. He was a lover-boy, to be exact. Even though he was only thirteen, he was successful with older girls.

"Hmm... Kabaz?" the dark haired, young boy blurted out into the warm air, they had been play-fighting. Both sweaty and messed up hair. "Mh?"

"Have you every kissed a boy?" the blonde blushed at the older's question. "EH?! W-why would I? That's not how the world is made! Guys c-can't kiss guys, and girls CAN'T kiss girls! R-right?" he acted like he was even doubting his own words now.

"You think so?" the dark haired's tan cheeks turned red at the now awkward vibe. "M-mhm. I do..." Xian could hear the younger hesitate when answering, but he wasn't able to say something before Kabaz blurted; "Have you ever kissed a b-boy?"

The tanned boy shook his head; "But, I would like to try... Would you... do me that favor?"

"K-kiss you?!" his messy blonde hair made him look adorable. He had sharp dark eyes with long lashes, he was already using mascara to make them show because... duuh, they were blonde and non-existent without it. "Gross, are you gay or something?"

Xian's heart throbbed painfully. Did those words just come out of his best-friend's mouth? "H-huh? C-could you say that again?" he had to make sure that what he heard was real.

"I said; Gross, are you gay... or something?" he repeated. The dark haired's eyes went wide and his brows were in a frowning way.

"I think so... Now, don't scream~" he ordered as he cupped Kabaz' face and pressed their lips together. Kabaz Was wrestling against the older boy trying to Escape, being unable to because of the strenght difference. Xian had lost Complete Control, slipping his hand under Kabaz' shirt tracing his skinny waist, he wasn't really muscular yet, but maybe With the years. The younger softly shrieked and pushed the older boy away harshly. The blonde wiped his mouth as he ran away locking himself into the bathroom.

Xian had messed up... again.
End of flashback

And now I'm all alone. Or, not physically, but mentally. Kabaz Was the one who spread the fact that i am gay, and i couldn't do anything else than admit, as i hate lying. The Next month Was weird, very awkward for me, since People were asking a lot of questions about it and all. The ones that kept repeating Was; "When did you find out?" "Are you dating a boy now?" "Have you watched gay porn?" "How does it feel?" and "Are you like, gonna start wearing nail-polish and makeup and such?"

And those questions surrounded me for more than a month. I had no idea what to feel, what to say, how to act. I kind of lost my Identity. But, that doesn't mean that i don't have it now. I have a personality, but it's quite messed up even though it looks pretty decent physically.

I messed up when i asked Kabaz to do me that favor. Either he hates me, or he is too embarrassed to face me after what happened. Both are terrible... We're both in the same local footbal team, and he won't even pass me the ball. It gets troublesome...

And right now I'm on my bed. I'm frustrated. I want to talk to Kabaz, but I'm unable to bring myself close to his room. My window is open and my white curtains is flowing prettily in the light breeze who currently is twirling playfully in my raven colored hair. I feel like writing. I want to Write a song, an apology?

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

:)))))) This is doublechins btw, not many smiles ;))))