This is basically what Xian's room looks like, and from where the pic is taken there is a desk, a bass and an electric-guitar. And on the right side is the door for his room.

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I try to think of Words that could describe how sorry i am for what i did. I've tried so hard for nearly a week now, to Write a song. An apology. But, I'm unable to. I'm giving up already.

As i lay my head onto my oak desk i get an idea. A letter instead of a song would be just as good, right? Maybe less cool and creative, but good for an apology. And so i start;

Dear Kabaz Smith.

I'm sorry for what happened earlier this year, and I understand if you don't read the whole letter. But if you do, I'll he grateful for that. I just want to tell you how sorry I am for my past actions towards you, I know that it was wrong of me to do those things to you. But, as a human I make mistakes and I'm not flawless, I'm not perfect, have never been and neither will I ever be. It fine if you don't want to forgive me, because I do understand why.

I'm not in love with you Kabaz, don't worry about that. I like you a lot, because you're my friend, or... you were at least. I'm not forcing you to forgive or even answer this letter. You can think of me like the worst person on earth and the grossest because I like guys and not girls. Or you can promise to NEVER ever leave me alone again and respect me for me. Please don't think of me as a gay boy. Could you think of me as myself and not my sexuality?

I can still remember when you first learned to bicycle, you were so proud. And we started biking everywhere instead of using the school bus and walking wasn't even natural for us anymore. But, right now we're just so far apart, and the distance hurts me a lot. As you know, I hate being alone...

I really wanted to make you a song, but I couldn't think of anything to describe how guilty I feel about what I did. This letter that I'm writing is a description of how I feel, how my stomach turns inside out each time I think of how disgusted you must have been by me. I'm sorry if I ruined the picture of how you saw me, but this is who I am and who I have truly been all the time.

Would you give me a second chance to live like myself close to you? As your friend, as a close one instead of one you never look in the eye. A second chance to make it up, make it better. At least try...?

I wish I dared to tell you this face to face. But I guess I'm a coward. I'm scared, and that's because I'm a human and I have feelings as well. But any kind of apology is better than none, right? And an apology that is truthful and well-explained, written in ink of guilt. Instead of a bad apology that's messed up by my shit-like speaking. And my voice is so sore and hoarse from the guilt and the lump in my throat makes my voice crack when I speak. You wouldn't understand anything.

My head aches when I think of the pain I saw in your face when I noticed what I did, no... even when I think of you in general, it hurts. Because I miss you. I only have you, and I love you as a friend and nothing more... Though I'm unable to understand what you have against gay People...

So please, if you even reached this part, please either give me a sign that you forgive me or come to my room and talk to me.

-xoxo Xian Saint Fernandez Brown

This is going to be the best apology he'll ever recieve. Well, at least i hope for that. I understand if he doesn't want to be my friend, but i'll be traumatized if he doesn't forgive me. Not only traumatized, i'll be alone and vulnerable. It's not like i can just walk out of my room and get a new friend. As an introvert, my life doesn't cooperate with thought like that, and changes... i hate them.

I want everything to be it's own pattern and a routine is the best thing ever. It helps me keep my anxiety away. If i don't have time for one thing on my routine anymore, my whole world just breaks, family, friends, school and myself.

And once i've put a task on a list, i HAVE to do it. And i often overwork myself that way. I sometimes even forget to eat. But i like it, feeling hungry is my favorite feeling and i've gotten used to like it. I don't skip any meals, but when I'm hungry i usually enjoy it.