Sometimes I like to think that nothing existed before this. That all the memories I hang on to are just hallucinations trying to get the better of me.

When I see myself in the videos, they don't look like me at all. The emotions belong to someone else, to someone to who deserves it.

To someone who doesn't leave the girl who means the world to him.

The one who caught her when she kept slipping ice skating; the one who reached up to the highest shelf where her hands didn't stretch; who laughed only when she was around; the one she loved.

That isn't me.

Seeing the videos is like watching a movie. I can only feel for the person I see, not me. What I feel is utter numbness, a kind that hurts more than numbness can.

I take in a sharp breath and pause the video of me and Christina singing on the top of our lungs at a karaoke, and head to the kitchen for one of the whiskey bottles I'd stacked from few years ago. When I used to drink away my thoughts of her.

As I take a swig, my eyes focus on the date of the video in the corner of the screen.

24th July.

2015. 

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