I am through almost half the bottle by the time the video of us paddle boating in a park turns on. I remember it. It was the day of her first birthday date with me. Harley had willingly given up his camera for us.

The camera bobs up and down a lot and water splashes all over it so you can barely make out what's going on, except for the high-pitched excited cries. But I know what's going on, because I know what happened. Her every word.

"Christina, I'm tired now! Paddle a little too! This thing's so heavy." I called out to her leaning over the edge of the boat, staring at the water splashing up and the fishes swimming under it.

"I'm the birthday girl, remember?" she said. She was screaming every line with a wide grin on her face. She was so hyped up.

I smiled and stopped the boat, watching her trying to touch one of the turtles in the water. Then she suddenly sprang up, throwing water in my face.

"Hey!" I complained, turning to look at my now wet clothes. She laughed loudly. A wicked grin stretched across my face as I crashed into her, toppling us both over the boat and into the water. She shrieked and held onto me as I grabbed the boat to keep us afloat, keeping the camera up so it didn't get wetter than it already was.

We both gasped for air and gazed at each other for a moment. And her face broke out in a huge smile, eyes sparkling.

I look at the bottle with the rest of the drink swirling inside it.

Maybe I should hurl it against the wall. I've done it before, hoping it will help.

Maybe I should put on music so loud that my ears bleed. I've done it before, hoping it will help.

Maybe I should curse her out so I can feel better about myself. I've done it before, hoping it will help.

Maybe I should drink bottle after bottle after bottle. I've done it before, hoping it will help.

I have done it all before and it still didn't help.

I know I'll always wake up with the regret suffocating me.

Because I know it'll always be me.

I don't want to be that person all over again. It scares me.

But I've been that person before, and it was all because of Christina.

And I'm becoming that person again, all because of Christina.

It's funny that I become this person in her absence, but he would've never been there if it wasn't for her presence in the first place.

The things love can do to you.

And I know there's no real way to stop loving someone. When we move on, it only means two things: either we get too used to the feelings, or we bury them under layers and layers so we can never feel them again.

But we do feel them.

Because we still love them.

I hate you, Christina. I hate you because I love you.

***