they know 'bout my anxiety in different ways, and they react to it differently too

with my bff, she knows i used to hurt myself, she hated me for it and she would never understand it. she doesn't need to

with him, he swung a bat in my anxiety. i cried a lot, ofc, but then becuz i knew he would do anything, even in a cruel way, to make me spilled the tea, i didn't lie about my anxiety no more

with my love, she has depression and she knows i am kinda unstable too, she leaves me everytime i have an anxiety, panic attack, etc. i feel like i'm better and worse when we are together, she got me feel like on a rollercoaster, sometimes we're the best but sometimes we aren't like a couple at all. she makes me feel like i'm love, and sometimes she hurt me unintentionally, sometimes she's the sweetest and sometimes she seems annoyed with me. it makes me feel worthless. i don't know how to deal with it, how to "spill my tea", i'm vulnerable when it comes to her. i'm afraid, of something, i don't even know. maybe i'm not trying my best. so i try to "do my best", i'd prefer dealing with it myself. without her.

i lied about going to bed earlier. i wanted to scream "don't 'princess' me" but i know it was just me, she did nothing wrong. i broke down and i cried hard, i was shaking in my bed and soaked my tee with tears, for no reason. i'm tired. sometimes i wanna die. but i don't. or at least, haven't. i gotta try harder, and harder, and harder. not a rest is allowed. it's not healthy, they said, but i don't know what to do, which way to go anymore. i'm lost.

i'm sensitive, i'm vulnerable, it's my fault.

it's my fucking fault.

-

030818