The motorcycle ride back home was a rather depressing one. I usually loved the fact that the wind would flow through my hair, and especially since it was a hot August day, it was especially refreshing. 

This time, however, I felt it was used to blow away any tears that had formed throughout my last meeting with Manish. I just kept my focus on the road and not on the fact that I was having so much fun on my motorcycle. It was a once in a lifetime occurrence for sure.

When I got home, the first thing that I did was take that bag that had a bunch of Manish's gifts to me and place it right next to me as I flopped on the couch like a dead fish. I just wanted nothing more than a cold glass of soda and some relaxation. 

I opened my phone to watch some YouTube on the couch so that I could rebuild some lost energy. The first thing that I saw was a message from Jen that read, "This is a bad time, but I forgot to send some pictures of Irfan's reception. I'll see you soon." 

I smiled, remembering how fun of a time that was when Manish was still here to celebrate such events with us. I opened the file that Jen had sent me and  scrolled through the photos to see if there were any decent ones. I kind of disregarded the ones in which I looked like a bloated seal, because I wanted to find the good shots. 

Surely enough, there was a shot that was not only good, but memorable. In that shot was the moment in which the photographer perfectly captured the moment in which both of us were at a perfectly graceful position. We were both smiling at each other, as he had his hand gently on my waist, while I had mine on his shoulder, and our other hands were clasped together. 

We were immersed into each others' ocean of eyes. I smiled, and made sure to save that into my camera roll. I pressed my phone screen to my chest, remembering the pure joy and surprise I had felt just a few days prior when Manish asked me to dance with him, as he had been preparing to dance with me only. 

Just remembering that incident made my heart ache for his departure. Then, at that moment, I remembered the bag that Manish had given me before he had entered security. Open it when you start to miss me. Those words rang throughout my head, as my hand lifted itself and snatched the bag. 

I opened it, and then lifted the tissue paper off to see a number of items resting comfortably in there. Open the envelope first. I looked into the bag to find an envelope, and it didn't take long before I found a long envelope in there. I ripped the top open to see the paper that was inside. I pulled it out like a kid pulling out their gift on Christmas Day, and I found a two page letter that was stapled together. 

I started to read it, and it wasn't anything that I was expecting. "Jaya," it read. "From what I've told you, you're reading this because you're missing me after I've left. You know how I feel about you being sad. I don't want you to be sad. I want you to look back at the entirety of our friendship and remember all the good times. So I gave you this. For the best results, I'd say you should follow the directions in order. Trust me, it'll be worth it. 1. Open your locket and see what's inside. 2. Open the huge book and look through it. 3. Take the item from the plastic bag out. 4. Read the second page of this letter. I hope that all these items will lighten your mood and won't make you as sad anymore. Always shining on you, Sunny."

I smiled, with my heart melting to nothing knowing that Manish specifically wrote this to cheer me up. I knew that Manish was sweet, but this was almost like a whole sugarcane field. I looked down at my locket, and then found the little latch that's used to open it. I opened it, and because my neck is about the same size as a pig's, I opened my phone to the camera to see what was inside the locket. 

I pointed it at my locket, and when I saw what was inside, my heart melted. On one side of the locket, there was a picture from when I was 15 and he was 17. I was still breaking out from my acne, so my face looked like a volcanic island, and Manish had just gotten his braces off, so his teeth looked like someone had decided to polish them. 

We were both smiling, as he had his arm around me, because we had been goofing off enough to make each other laugh. It was just enough that a picture was needed. I smiled at the memory, and then on the right side was a picture that was fairly more recent. It was just a few months ago, when Manish had just turned 23 years old, and Jen and I had surprised him with a huge dinner and lots of fun. 

This was one of him with both arms around me in a tight hug, as he just smiled, looking like he was having the time of his life yet again. Seeing both of those pictures made me feel like I was looking at a timeline. It was like watching our fresh friendship when I was 15 evolve into what it was just a few hours, when I was 22 and he was 23. 

I closed the locket and then hung onto it for a little bit longer, because this was something that was extremely cherished. It was like a reminder of all the good times with Manish were always going to be with me, and that I was fine with. It gave me a reason to smile every day, and yet, it added a new element of me missing him. 

Following the next step in the letter, I reached inside the bag and pulled out the large book that contributed to most of the weight in the bag. I opened it to the first page, and surely enough, another form of shock, nostalgia, and sadness hit me in the face yet again. 

Whatever pictures that Manish and I would take together as we goofed off, he put them in that picture album. I flipped through the pages, and was hit with the memory of selfies where we smeared whipped cream on each others' faces, moments from each others' birthdays, or just casual selfies that we took, it was all like a wave of nostalgia that hit me in the face. I couldn't pick out whether or not it was positive nostalgia or negative nostalgia. 

I gulped back yet another lump that was forming in the back of my throat, as I finally got to the last picture of us. It was a picture of me smiling as I looked at the charm bracelet that was sitting on my wrist. I bit my lip in an attempt to fight back the kick to my heartstrings and the feeling of my heart being put through a meat grinder. 

Everything was just so joyful, yet so overwhelming as well. I didn't know whether or not I would be able to control myself for the next couple of items that he had planned. I then reached back in the bag to find the plastic bag in which he said to look inside. 

I opened the bag, reached inside, and then pulled out a stuffed bunny that I had given him when I was 14. It was probably the second time we had met, and I heard that he still loved stuffed animals, so I gave him my old stuffed bunny, that I had purposefully washed, and my stuffed dragon that I also made sure was squeaky clean for him. 

There was a little note attached to its foot, and it said, "I'm keeping the dragon. Felt like you'd want your rabbit back, since I thought you would miss him. But, if you miss me, she's great to cuddle with. Manish." 

I smiled, and then hugged the rabbit tightly to me. She smelled like fresh linen as well, which meant that Manish had washed it and returned it to me fresh and clean so that I wouldn't be cuddling with a dirty animal. 

At this point, my heart was breaking into small little pieces. I didn't know if I was going to be able to handle the last portion of the letter, which was reading the second half of it. I was hoping that I wasn't going to break down into tears and broken dreams by the end of this, but I was too intrigued to not flip to the second page. 

With my hands shaking like they had just walked through an earthquake, I flipped the next page, only to find something that really slapped the shock into me.

"How can I explain your importance to me?

The stars that sparkle when you're here

Jaya, it seems like the world collapses

When, to me, you are never near.

Jaya, you are most beautiful flower there

With soft petals, yet a sharp thorn here and there

Without you and your fresh presence in my life

My life falls into all sorts of despair

My beautiful flower.

I may be hundreds of miles away

But yet, I'll still love you every day

My beautiful flower

Without you, the stars have lost their shine

Life without you seems like such a crime

Because of you, I've lived my life

Joyous and lacking strife

And now I will never forget or stop loving you

My beautiful flower

I may be hundreds of miles away

But yet, I'll still love you every day.

Jaya, you're my best friend, and I'll always love you for your spunk and charisma. Just know that along with my family and Jen, you're someone whom I'm going to miss to the ends of the earth and back. Do me a favor. I don't want to come back to see that you aren't the spunky and foul mouthed girl that I knew growing up. Keep being you, because that's the Jaya that I love. If you ever miss me, reread the poems and feel free to look back at the memories that we have created together.

Lots of love and hugs,

Manish." 

That was the point in which I absolutely lost it. I set the letter down, and just started to sob. I felt like that letter was the big push that broke the wall in the dam of tears. They just started to flow out like a river and nothing was going to stop them. 

My heart had been completely destroyed at that point, and I didn't think that there was going to be anything to repair it. I felt destroyed inside. I felt hopeless. Manish was the last thing that would've caused me to feel like I was going to completely dissolve into nothing right now. 

It was something else that felt like someone was ripping my heart into shreds with a paper shredder at that point. It was a fact that I wished that I had realized a lot longer ago, because it would've been so much easier and better for all parties to admit this. 

I had fallen in love with Manish. 

All the pictures and the bunny was like a pleasant cloud of nostalgia that happily accompanied Sunny in providing me with a beautiful day of memories. It was the heartfelt poem that he had written for me that really set me over a tipping point. 

I realized at that point that not only was I in love with my best friend, but also that there was no way that I would be able to tell him in time. I'm sure that he was going to board his flight sometime soon, or that his flight had already made its departure, but either ways, there would be no way that I'd be able to tell him in person. 

I didn't want to tell him over text, because that would've been so awkward for both of us. I wanted to tell him in person. But, now that chance had gone down the drain. I had lost the chance to realize my feelings and tell him how I felt. 

It was too late at that moment. That's what really made me feel like I was dying inside. I felt like I had failed myself. I felt like I had failed myself by not only not realizing it in time, but also not being honest with him. 

I was always so blunt with Manish, and never hesitated to tell him the truth, within reason. Now, I hesitated to tell him how I felt, and it resulted in one of the costliest casualties that my emotional and mental state has ever suffered. 

I lost my best friend, the love of my life, and I didn't know when he was going to come back. I just wanted to do nothing more. I wanted to cry my heart out, but also somehow get to Seattle and tell Manish how much I loved him and wanted him to come back. 

But, I knew exactly how that would look on my part. It would look selfish. I would look like a selfish brat. I would be considered as someone who wanted Manish to just drop everything and come back because I had fallen for him.

 And on top of that, how could I have known if the love was one sided? With the amount of brainwashing that dear old Isha must have done, I was sure that he wasn't going to reciprocate it. I was sure that I was probably going to be embarrassed and angry from all parts of my mind had I not considered all the possibilities. 

With all these emotions and thoughts flooding my mind, I flopped back on the couch, with tears still streaming my face. Nothing about today was going to be easily forgotten. I wasn't going to forget how badly I had failed myself and all parts of myself, but I also was never going to forget Manish, my undying love for him, and how big of a positive impact he had made on my life. 

It was the first time in years that I had crossed my heart to never forget Manish, in any shape or form.