Angst time boys!!!
TW: swearing and a heartbroken Michael. Also self harm.

I suggest reading "Coming Out" which is about Michael, and "Be Careful What you Wish For" which is about Jeremy. Those contribute to this chapter.

Michael had been in love with Jeremy for well over four years. He had been so in love he thought of him as a soulmate more than a best friend, which is why they'd gotten matching tattoos when they were freshmen.

Now if only he could maybe help to level up from friends to boyfriends. But Jeremy wouldn't ever...no he would never date Michael. Hell, Michael couldn't even tell Jeremy he loved him.

And he'd tried. Countless times...but Jeremy never freaking listened.

The first time he tried was in seventh grade, a few days after he'd come out...

"Hey Jeremy I need to talk to you about something important." Michael spoke quieter than usual, sitting down in the floor next to his best friend and pulling his lunch out.

"Okay. W-What is it?" Jeremy asked, already eating into his sandwich.

"Well, you know how I'm...gay... right?" Michael whispered and Jeremy nodded. "W-Well I wanna... tell you how I realized that..."

"Alright, how?"

"Well I sorta fell in love with somebody and I feel like I really need to t-tell you who..." Jeremy nodded, still eating and Michael sighed. "Alright so when you sa-"

"Oh my God Michael look!!" Jeremy shook Michael and pointed to the other side of the cafeteria. "It's Christine..." Jeremy smiled the stupidest yet cutest smile ever and Michael rolled his eyes. "God she's so pretty, don't you think, in a platonic way in your case of course, but still?"

"Yeah. Totally...she's gorgeous." Michael mumbled sarcastically and Jeremy didn't pick up on it.

"She really is. It would be amazing to hold her in my arms and tell her I love her. I would l-love that so much. Do you hsve anybody you'd like to do that with Michael?"

"I...umm...no...no I don't..." Michael lied softly, pulling at the sleeves of his hoodie, not making eye contact with Jeremy.

"Oh hey weren't you saying something about why you came out as gay?"

"Was I? I...don't even remember." Another lie. Michael felt more guilt build up inside him from sheer lies than anything else.

But he didn't wanna force himself on Jeremy...he couldn't...they were best friends...that was all. He'd have to try and tell him again.

So a few days after, Jeremy snuck into Michael's, cuts littering his arm from words he had heard his mother say. Jeremy doesn't know...but Michael kissed him gently that night, and it was extremely satisfying.

The next morning he had tried again.

"Hey Jeremy I seriously need to talk to you."

"Okay, I-I'm listening..." Jeremy muttered, picking at his bandages and trying not to tear up.

"Well...I wanted to tell you that...you mean the world to me. You mean everything to me...just being with you makes me happy..."

"Same." Jeremy smiled softly and Michael's heartbeat was slowly but surely getting faster. "And that's because you're my best friend in the entire world. And you always will be."

Michael felt his heart break a little inside. He was so close.

"I...have to use the bathroom okay?" Jeremy nodded. "How about you go ahead and go downstairs, my Mama can make you breakfast."

"Alright." Once Jeremy was out of the room, Michael entered his private bathroom, locking the door and pulling out the razor blade he'd stolen from his dad.

"I told myself I wasn't gonna do this again...but I have to vent somehow and I can't vent to Mama with Jeremy in the house so..." Michael whispered, gently sliding the blade against and into his wrist, the same wrist it had been before.

He watched as the blood stained his caramel skin, and he kept doing it until he felt like he didn't need to anymore. He wrapped it up, left the bathroom, and put on his hoodie, glad it was so oversized since it had belonged to his brother. And then he headed downstairs.

Later, after Jeremy left, Michael had foolishly removed the hoodie, and Maganda had seen the bandages.

"Mahal what happened?" She asked, worry in her voice as she looked her son in the eyes, since she was on her knees which made it easy.

"I...I tried telling J-Jeremy I loved him...I told him what he meant to me...a-and he said he felt the same...A-And I thought he loved me back b-but...he pulled the it's cause we're best friends card...s-so I went to the bathroom...and...and I...I cut myself...again..." Michael was sobbing and Maganda wiped away his tears and held him tightly in her arms.

"Michael, Mahal, why didn't you tell me sooner...?"

"I didn't w-want you to worry about me Mama..." Michael sighed.

"You're my son all I'm going to do is worry. Now c'mon Mahal, let's get you in bed, it's late."

"Okay Mama..."

And here Michael was, in a bathroom, crying his eyes out as if Jeremy had just broken up with him or something...cause it felt like he had.

That's how badly it had hurt...that word..."loser"...felt more like an "I'm breaking up with you...because I never effing loved you"...

So Michael searched through Jake Dillinger's mirror cabinet and found the razor. He was doing this again it seemed.

He removed his bracelets and began cutting into his skin, ignoring the knocking on the door. He just let his mind cloud with all the bad shit he'd done.

How he never could protect his mother.

How he never could protect Jeremy.

How selfish he had been when it came to Jeremy.

How he loved Jeremy...

That cut had been the deepest...he looked over it and smiled pathetically.

"He was right...God...I really am just a l-loser..."

***

Weeks later, and Michael is laying on his bed, but not alone, oh no, he's laying on his bed with Jeremy, leaning on his shoulder and holding his hands, smiles on both their faces.

"How come you never told me sooner you loved me?" Jeremy asked and Michael looked down and chuckled sadly.

"I've tried Jeremy. Believe me. I've tried."