ok so.... its only now i feel like writing this down... i also feel that if i write it down it might remove some of the weight  in my chest XD

i really feel like... oml idk 

Like... there are a lot of times i feel like i wanna be invisible or non existent for like... a day or 2...or maybe even a week. Like i aint in the mood to talk to anyone, be with anyone, or even care for anyone at all... like fuck.

But when i try to stay quiet or 'invisible' in school... and people start talking to me... theres like a switch in my head that makes me *change* personalities. Basically i feel like im being plastic around other people... but its not intentional. Like there are times i wanna act like my real self, quiet, shy, indifferent..etc. but then the 'switch' just flips and i become the total opposite, im so childish, hyper, happy go lucky, not to mention kinda sociable...

When im at home though... im so quiet, i try not to be noticed that much. 

I always wanted to be inivisible, but then after  awhile i realized what i really wanted was someone to actually care for me. Like, i became more clingy, i always ask for hugs to the point if i dont get them i just hug a random friend to make me feel better. 

Like, my parents are always busy, mom is always busy with either studying, cooking, baking or taking care of grey. And if we get the chance to talk, its either she like... gets lost in her own world each time she goes on her phone, or Grey ( my bro) comes and takes moms attention from me. My dad is in another country ( though, right now he gonna be here in the Philippines for like 3 weeks) and that doesnt help at all. I feel like im so distanced from everyone. 

Tbh, my depression wasnt that bad, it only got worse this year...

First, no one really greeted me on my birthday, and i didnt receive anything at all. I know its childish, but my tea is... I have a barkada ( group of friends) at school, they were literally the people who got me out of my first depression stage. Basically what we do as a group is we like... make birthday bashes for those celebrating their birthday... like we got gifts, cake, song, etc. I was really excited for mine... but we were all so busy they werent able to plan. Worst part was... the 2 weeks before my birthday they ate as a group while i didnt because I had to either skip meals for performance tasks, or homeworks... but on my birthday i made an effort to eat together with them but on that day they were all busy to the point we barely even talk. On my birthday itself, i didnt leave the house, i didnt even do anything to celebrate, all i did was school work. We bought a cake but I only ate a few since I hated chocolate cake ( i love Red Velvet though) and that was the only available flavor.

Second was the fact that even without that group of friends, i dont feel as... c a r e d for in other groups, like we have fun and talk about stuff and problems together...but aside from that i didnt feel as at home as I was in the other group

Third was all the performance tasks where I was leader were dumping on me and I felt like no one was listening to me and stuff

Fourth, I got into issues with some of my friends... like there are so many people I wanna cut ties with but i cant bring myself to do so just because I feel like Ill hurt their feelings, and the fact they are abusing my kindness towards them makes me feel worse. I also feel bad for being so fake in front of them (not like im not fake to everyone)

Fifth, its Wattpad... each day i look forward to talking with some of you guys... mainly

@Lilienmagie @just-salt @-XXXTENTACLES @Avxcado and others

I know its selfish that i want you on even if yall are busy, i feel guilty for that too... like thats why i dont bring it up. I dont care what you think of me, i dont even care if yall are my friends or not, but fuck. Each day i just at least one decent conversation with yall. But time zones are a bitch. And sometimes I feel yall dont care about me at all. Like you Salt, im not rejecting your support, i just feel so fucking confused that i dont know what to do anymore. So just deal with it if im so bitchy.

There are literally times when I thought of cutting myself, but each time i thought of it i couldnt bring myself to even touch a cutter because Im afraid of getting hurt. There are also times when I thought if the world would have been better if i wasnt in it. 

There are times when i felt like i wanted to die today and be alive the day after, but that isnt how life works and i cant just do that.

So yah...

ooof

sorry forget this chapter XD

Lilienmagie