TW: CONTAINS SEVERE ANXIETY AND SELF-HARM

It was the same thing over and over again. Taehyung would mess up and internally scold himself. He would say something that didn't quite fit with an ongoing conversation and scold himself for being weird or awkward. He smiled on the outside, but on the inside, he bullied himself for not being the best that he could be.

Coming home after a hard night at work, Taehyung was in a terrible mood. He had done everything he could at his job and still didn't feel satisfied with his performance. He should have done better, right? Working an overnight job was tough, but he knew he could do it. So why was he having so much difficulty? He was a friendly person. So why did he have no friends at work?

As soon as he entered his apartment, he was greeted by Yoongi, who was sitting in the living room."Hey, Tae. How was work?" Yoongi was just watching TV and snacking on some chips. He was Taehyung's roommate and always made sure to greet him every time he came home.

"The usual." Taehyung made his way over to the couch and plopped down beside Yoongi, who offered the bag of chips to him. He declined though. He didn't feel like snacking.

"Wanna talk about it?" Grabbing the TV remote, Yoongi muted the volume."I'm all ears whenever you need me. You know that, right?"

Taehyung let out a heavy sigh."Yeah, I know. I just don't feel like talking about it." He didn't think that talking about it would make any sort of difference."Was your night good at least?"

Since he was living with a night shift worker, Yoongi had fixed himself to the night shift schedule as well. His job was different from Taehyung's though."Oh yeah. My night was great. I did the usual stream in the evening then spent the late hours working on a video."

"Sounds like a productive night." Taehyung wished he could have done the same thing as Yoongi, streaming games and making YouTube videos. However, he didn't think he would like being on camera so much. Yoongi didn't seem to mind it though. Feeling tired and rather down, Taehyung decided not to stick around right now."I'm tired." he said as he stood.

"Oh. Heading to bed?" When he got a nod in response, Yoongi set his bag of chips aside."Shouldn't you have something small to eat at least?"

Taehyung shook his head just a little."Nah, I'll eat later." Walking away, he headed straight to his bedroom to change into his pajamas. Once he was in his pajamas, Taehyung got into bed and made himself comfortable. However, he ended up just lying there. He was so tired and very comfortable, but he couldn't relax enough to sleep.

He didn't know how long he laid there, but he slipped into a weird state. He was so dreary that he reached the state of drooling and feeling heavy, but he wasn't quite asleep. His brain was swarming with thoughts that kept him from finding the sweetness of dreams.

Why can't I be better at my job? He found himself thinking. Of course, that wasn't a new thought. It was something that he thought quite often. It always came with other similar thoughts.

I broke a jar this time. Why am I so clumsy? He hated the fact that he tended to accidentally drop things--oftentimes breakable things--at his job.

I got scolded again. Taehyung's manager scolded him a lot whenever he accidentally broke things, telling him that he needed to be more careful. The manager would say that he was just concerned that Taehyung might end up hurting himself by accident, but it always made Taehyung feel like he was in big trouble every time.

No one talks to me because I'm annoying and awkward. At least, that was what he thought. Every time he said anything to anyone at work, regardless of their reaction or response, he would always internally scold himself for sounding stupid. They probably think I'm an idiot. He would think to himself. Why couldn't I come up with something cooler to say? It bothered him so much that nothing he said ever seemed good enough.

Just when Taehyung thought he was finally going to be able to fall asleep, he was snapped into a state of alertness when he heard footsteps in the hall. It's just Yoongi-hyung. He sometimes needed to remind his tired mind. Whenever he was really tired and lost in his negative thoughts, sounds would startle him, even something as ordinary as his roommate wandering through the hall. Finally able to feel a little more relaxed, Taehyung began to doze off again. Sleep is all I need right now. He told himself. I'll feel better after I get some sleep.

---

Sitting in the break room at his job the next night, Taehyung wondered if he should just quit and get a new job somewhere else. He didn't have any friends here because everyone knew he was weird and awkward. At least, that was the reason in his mind. Was that really the reason why no one talked to him? During this little break, he was sitting alone at a table in the corner of the room, coworkers being seated in groups of three or four. The sounds of chatter and laughter filled the room as various conversations took place.

The noise bothered Taehyung so much. He hated listening to everyone else have such nice conversations. Maybe that was due to the fact that he wished he could have conversations with people like that but couldn't. He never even knew what to say to anyone else at his job. Everything he said just came out awkward. In his opinion anyway. I shouldn't even try. They'll all just think I'm stupid anyway because everything I say comes out so dumb.

Once it was time for his break to be over, Taehyung stood and headed for the door."Yo, Taehyung, you got a minute?" a coworker asked, grabbing his attention.

Taehyung internally panicked. What did his coworker need? Surely, Taehyung would just prove himself to be useless and dumb if he spoke to him. He couldn't just ignore him though, could he? Trying to contain his nerves, Taehyung turned around and faced the one who had spoken to him."Yeah, what's up, Jimin?"

Jimin motioned toward the younger guy sitting across from him at the table he occupied."You missed the shift meeting earlier, so I want to introduce you to our new shift member."

"Oh, right." Taehyung bit his lower lip. I missed the meeting because I was late. I'm such a failure. Why couldn't I be on time? His thoughts almost fully distracted him from the introduction. He barely managed to catch the new coworker's name."Jung--uhhh..."

"Jungkook." The new guy repeated."You tired, dude? I guess a nighttime shift does that."

Taehyung let out a small chuckle to cover up his nervousness."Yeah, I guess I didn't get enough sleep." Pay attention, dumbass! He internally scolded himself. Stop getting so distracted!

Jimin chuckled as well, a bright smile on his face."Taehyung is a weird one." he commented playfully."Anyway, he'll be showing you around a bit."

Weird... The word repeated itself in Taehyung's mind."Wait, what?"

Standing, Jimin and Jungkook stepped closer to Taehyung."You're going to show Jungkook a bit about the job. I spent the past couple hours teaching him my area, but he needs to learn a bit about your area as well since our areas are run differently."

No, no, no. Why~? Taehyung really didn't want to do this. He just wanted to work alone. If he worked alone, he could minimize the number of times he embarrassed himself in front of people. Now he was going to make a fool of himself in front of the new guy."Okay. I'll do my best to teach him well." I'm going to screw up. I just know it.

Jungkook stuffed one of his hands into a pocket of his work vest and grinned."Let's get going then." After giving a thumbs-up to Jimin, he followed Taehyung out of the break room and to his respective work area."So what do you do over here anyway?"

No one ever takes this seriously. Jungkook's words were clearly just a simple question, but to Taehyung, it felt like a jab."Well, you see all of these?" Taehyung led Jungkook down through his area, pointing out shopping carts that were full of small items, bottles of medicine and packs of bandages."I put all of these on the shelves."

"That's it?" This didn't look hard to Jungkook at all."That's so easy. It's seriously all you do?"

That was definitely another jab to Taehyung."It's a lot more than it looks. All of these little items need to be put on the shelves in the right spots. It takes a long time. It may not look like much, but the items are really small. That one cart actually contains over a hundred--"

"Yeah, yeah, I get it." Jungkook rolled his eyes, just wanting to get started."Which are we starting on?"

He doesn't care. He probably thinks I'm dumb for explaining so much. Taehyung sighed then pointed to a cart full of yellow and brown bottles."We'll start with the vitamins." Stepping over to the cart full of vitamin bottles, Taehyung motioned toward the shelves."There are hundreds of vitamins, and many of them look very similar. It's important to not mix them up."

"Okay." Grabbing a small bottle of vitamins from the cart, Jungkook started looking around for the correct place to put it.

Taehyung, on the other hand, had done this so many times that he memorized where every single bottle was supposed to be placed. Grabbing a small yellow bottle, he turned and placed it in its spot before grabbing another bottle from the cart. As he put away a few more bottles, he noticed that Jungkook still hadn't put away his first bottle."Are you having trouble finding it?"

Jungkook shrugged his shoulders and showed the bottle to Taehyung."How am I even supposed to find this?"

Looking at the bottle of Chromium in Jungkook's hand, Taehyung knew exactly where its spot was."It goes right here." He pointed to the small spot on the shelf that was currently empty."The way I always remember where it goes is this." He pointed to the item next to it, which was Iron."I used to have a hard time remembering where the Chromium went, but then, I remembered that it goes next to the Iron. You know, Chrome. Iron. It makes sense. Some of the other sections of vitamins are in alphabetical order though."

"Yeah, I'm never going to remember that." Jungkook said with a very dismissive tone, placing the Chromium onto the shelf.

Stupid. Taehyung silently scolded. He doesn't care. I shouldn't have explained. I should have just showed him the spot then carried on. He knew no one cared about this as much as he did. He just wanted it to be done correctly. I'm so weird for caring so much about these stupid vitamins.

It didn't take long for Jungkook to get annoyed with this task. It was much more tedious than he had thought it would be. Getting bored, he pulled his phone out of his pocket and began to text.

Noticing that Jungkook had started texting, Taehyung huffed softly."We have more work to do, Jungkook." he simply reminded the new shift member.

"But this sucks. I'd rather go back to Jimin-hyung's area." Jungkook preferred working with larger items, not these tiny bottles. It was far too tedious and annoying.

I knew it. He hates working with me. Everyone always does. "Fine. Go back to Jimin's area." Taehyung knew he shouldn't have allowed this new guy to come into his area. He should have just continued to work alone. Working with other people never turns out well for me or them.

"Can I?" Jungkook slipped his phone back into his pocket. When he received a nod from Taehyung, he didn't even think twice about walking away.

There goes another one. I'm such a weirdo for liking this area. Everyone thinks I'm weird for enjoying the tedious tasks. By this point, Taehyung just wanted to go back home. He hated working with other people. He also hated being alone all the time too. Why couldn't he just have someone who enjoyed the tedious stuff as much as he did? Why did he have to be so weird when compared to his coworkers?

---

Upon returning home in the morning, Taehyung didn't find Yoongi in the living room. That was unusual. Yoongi would typically be watching TV at this time. After taking off his shoes, Taehyung made his way down the hall and knocked on Yoongi's bedroom door before opening it. He spotted Yoongi at his gaming setup with his headset on.

Yoongi immediately waved at Taehyung then shooed him away, not taking his eyes away from his two-monitor setup."Yo! KittyLick68! My dude! Thanks for subscribing!"

Seeing that Yoongi was clearly in the middle of streaming, Taehyung closed the door and felt like smacking his own forehead. He felt so dumb for interrupting. I shouldn't have entered his room. Going to the kitchen, Taehyung decided to eat something small. He hadn't eaten at all during his meal break at work, so he was pretty hungry. Simply getting a frozen meal out of the freezer and opening the package, Taehyung figured this would be enough for now. He didn't feel like cooking. He never felt like cooking anymore. He used to cook often, back before these negative thoughts got so bad. Now he just couldn't get himself to do it.

He was convinced that everything he did would turn out to be a failure. The only thing he was good at doing was his job, which everyone thought he was weird for enjoying. All Taehyung wanted was to fit in more, but it seemed like he just couldn't do that. I'm too weird to fit in. He would always think to himself. Everyone knows I'm weird. I can't even hold a good conversation. Why would anyone want to hang out with me? He was broken from his thoughts when he heard Yoongi's bedroom door open.

Entering the kitchen, Yoongi flashed a smile to his roommate."Hey, sorry for shooing you away like that, Tae. I'm in the middle of a stream." Opening the fridge, he grabbed a bottle of water."I'm doing a twenty-four-hour stream. Remember?"

"I completely forgot." Taehyung admitted. I'm so stupid. Why didn't I remember that?

"That's fine." Yoongi wasn't mad at all. He understood that it was easy to forget such things."It's my stream anniversary, so I'm having a twenty-four-hour stream party."

"Sounds like fun." Taehyung felt like such an idiot for forgetting about Yoongi's stream anniversary. He had been reminded about it just a couple days ago.

Yoongi took a drink of the water then leaned against the fridge."So how was work? I'm taking a break, so I got a few minutes to talk. I've got my BRB screen up right now."

Should I tell him about Jungkook? Taehyung didn't even know if Yoongi would care. He never really went into detail about his job."It was fine. I trained a new guy."

"Sweet. How did that go? Does he seem promising?" Yoongi was always ready to listen to Taehyung's thoughts. To him, Taehyung was a good friend, and he wanted to be a good friend in return.

Giving a shrug of his shoulders, Taehyung went with a positive answer."I think he'll do just fine. He was well-mannered and listened." Liar. He didn't listen to me. Why would he? I'm just an annoying weirdo.

"That's great." Looking at the microwave for the time, Yoongi made a tiny hum."I should get back to the stream. Make sure you get some good sleep, dude."

Taehyung watched Yoongi leave the kitchen then looked down at the frozen meal, which was still in his hands. He no longer felt like eating. He hated lying to his friend, but he couldn't just tell him the truth, could he? I can't tell him I have no friends at work. I can't tell him that I'm the weirdo who likes the tedious job that everyone else hates. I can't tell him that no one listens to me. Taehyung didn't want to make Yoongi pity him. He didn't want to make Yoongi worry. More than anything, he didn't want Yoongi to start thinking he was weird too.

With a heavy sigh, Taehyung dropped the frozen meal into the trashcan and headed to his room. He didn't know what to do with himself. He seated himself at the desk he had in the corner and opened his laptop. Did he want to browse the internet for a bit? Nah. Play a game? Nah. Nothing sounded like fun. Reaching to the side, Taehyung grabbed a pair of scissors he sometimes used for cutting out little notes from his notebook. He turned the scissors around in his hands as he heard the negative thoughts filling his mind. He didn't know how to make those thoughts go away.

I'm so stupid.

I'm a weirdo.

I have no friends.

No one listens to me.

Everything I say is awkward and dumb.

I'm so forgetful.

Opening the scissors, Taehyung slowly slid the tip of his index finger along one of the blades. All of the negative thoughts in his head made him really wish he could stop being himself. He didn't like who he was. He hated himself. He wished he could be someone else.

Why can't I be smart?

Why can't I be cool?

Why can't I be normal?

Moving the scissors, Taehyung touched one of the blades to his forearm. What if I just... With a swish, Taehyung made a shallow cut into his skin. He winced at the stinging pain. Then, after a short moment, he looked at the tiny bit of blood that seeped out of the cut. That wasn't so bad. So he did it again. And again. And again. He made numerous shallow cuts all over his forearm.

When he stopped, Taehyung quickly set the scissors aside, horrified by what he had just done. He'd never done something like that before. What should he do now? He was bleeding from many shallow cuts, self-inflicted stinging pain making him want to cry."What have I done..?" It was then that he realized something. The negative thoughts were gone. His mind was blank. Why..?

Not understanding what was going on with himself, Taehyung left his bedroom and headed straight for the bathroom. He needed to calm down and try to think about what he'd just done. He decided to take a shower, but he kept staring at his forearm. He couldn't let anyone see this. He couldn't let anyone know what he had done, especially Yoongi.

After his shower, Taehyung wrapped his arm with a flesh-colored bandage then returned to his bedroom, figuring he should try to get some sleep. He laid in his bed and made himself comfortable, though it was weird to try to sleep with his arm like this. What was he going to tell anyone if they asked about it? He couldn't tell them the truth. No way. That would just reinforce people's thoughts that he was weird, right? With new thoughts running through his mind, Taehyung found it hard to go to sleep.

---

When he got up for work, Taehyung almost forgot about the bandage wrapped around his arm. As soon as he realized it was there, he just stared at it for a few minutes, worried about what he would say to anyone who might ask about it. He could hardly believe that he had done it. The thought of intentionally hurting himself like that scared him. Why had he done it? Would he do it again? What would Yoongi think if he knew?

Shaking his head, Taehyung got out of bed and started getting ready for work. His stomach was hurting and grumbling, reminding him that he still hadn't eaten. I should make something small to eat before I go to work. Once he was dressed, he left his bedroom. He could hear Yoongi talking in his room as he walked through the hall, knowing his roommate was still doing his twenty-four-hour stream. It must be almost over. Taehyung wanted to say something to Yoongi but didn't want to interrupt his stream again, like he had this morning.

Taehyung ended up just making himself a sandwich, just ham with cheese and spinach leaves. It wasn't much, but it would hold him over until he could eat something better later. He didn't have time to eat a good meal right now, needing to get to work to avoid being late again.

"Oh, Tae, have a good night at work, bud." Yoongi said as he stepped into the kitchen. He opened the fridge, fetching himself a fresh bottle of water.

"I will. Your stream doing well?" Taehyung turned at an angle to hide his bandaged arm from his roommate.

Yoongi took a drink of the water then nodded."Yep. It's almost over. I'm taking my last little break then finishing up a couple more hours. As soon as it's over, I'm going to bed."

Taehyung chuckled softly."Make sure you get something to eat too."

"Not a problem, dude. I've been eating little meals periodically." Yoongi appreciated Taehyung's concern for his meal intake though."Um, Tae." He cocked his head a little to the side as he noticed something."What happened to your arm? Did you get hurt at work?" He wondered if he had just not noticed the bandage this morning.

Shit. I should have hidden it better. "Oh, it's nothing. I accidentally hurt it at work, but it'll be fine." Taehyung lied.

"Did you report it to your manager?" Clearly concerned for Taehyung, Yoongi stepped closer and looked at the bandage.

"Of course." Taehyung couldn't stand lying to Yoongi. He hated doing it. Lying to his friend made him feel like such a terrible person. I'm such a liar. But I can't tell him the truth.

"Good. Try to be more careful." With a tender smile on his lips, Yoongi gave Taehyung's shoulder a pat."Take it easy sometimes. You're very good at your job, so I'm sure your manager won't mind if you don't work quite as hard while you're hurt."

"Don't worry, Hyung. I'll be careful."

---

Of course, Taehyung also lied about his arm at work. He told his manager that he had accidentally fallen and hurt his arm at home. He promised that it wouldn't interfere with his productivity, and his manager didn't ask any further questions about it. Taehyung did his absolute best to avoid everyone all night. He didn't want to see or talk to anyone. He didn't want to take the risk of any coworkers asking about his arm.

Taehyung even took his breaks at unusual times to make sure he would be alone in the break room. All night, he spent his shift alone. He focused on his work and did his best to push away all of his negative thoughts. He didn't want to publicly show how upset he felt. He was sad, lonely, and very disappointed in himself. Why did I do it? He couldn't stop asking himself that question. What will everyone think if they find out? That was something that seriously scared him.

After a whole shift of being alone and doing his best to focus solely on his tasks, Taehyung returned home. He assumed Yoongi would be in a deep sleep at this time, probably completely wiped out from his twenty-four-hour stream. He kicked off his shoes by the front door then headed for his bedroom. However, he stopped when he heard the low volume of the TV. Is Yoongi-hyung awake? He had certainly not expected that. Going to the living room, Taehyung saw Yoongi on the couch."Please tell me you at least got some sleep."

Yoongi looked over at Taehyung, looking like death. He had clearly not slept a single wink. Grabbing the remote, he turned off the TV."Taehyung-ah." He sounded sad.

"You only ever say my name like that when something's wrong." Stepping over to the couch, Taehyung seated himself beside his roommate."What's up?"

Moving a hand to his other side, Yoongi grabbed something. He held it out to Taehyung."Care to talk about it?"

Taehyung felt like his heart was going to stop when he saw his scissors in Yoongi's hand, dry blood on the blades."Hyung..." Taking the scissors, Taehyung turned his gaze away."Why were you in my room? You shouldn't touch my stuff. That's a violation of my privacy."

"I'm sorry, Tae." Yoongi lightly placed a hand onto Taehyung's knee."I got a little too hyped up during my stream and broke my mic stand. I just wanted to borrow your tape. When I saw that, I...Please talk to me."

He knows. He knows I lied to him. He knows I hurt myself. Taehyung felt like panicking. What should I say? What should I do? "Hyung, I don't know what to tell you." He couldn't even bring himself to look at Yoongi.

"You know you can talk to me about anything, right?" Yoongi hoped Taehyung knew that he would always listen to anything he needed to say."I'm here for you, you know. You don't have to tell me anything if you don't want to, but I want you to know that I won't judge you."

"How do you know that you won't judge me?" That was something that scared Taehyung so much. Yoongi was his only friend. He didn't want to lose him.

Yoongi moved both hands down and rolled up the bottom of his pajama pants, showing his left ankle."Look, Tae."

Hesitantly, Taehyung turned to Yoongi then allowed his gaze to slip lower, viewing his roommate's ankle."Yoongi-hyung..." On the inner side of Yoongi's ankle, he saw plenty of faded scars.

"I understand, Taehyung-ah." Yoongi spoke with a gentle tone."Our circumstances might be different, but we all go through things that we wish wouldn't happen. Sometimes, we do things that we shouldn't, in order to cope with what's going on in our lives."

"How did you handle it?" Taehyung hadn't known that Yoongi had self-harmed before. Maybe it was something Yoongi didn't like to mention, which was understandable.

Putting his pant leg back down, Yoongi placed his hands onto his lap."Therapy." he answered simply."I started seeing a therapist once each week. I am doing a lot better now and only see my therapist twice per month, but it has helped me a lot."

"Do you think I need therapy, Hyung?" Taehyung honestly didn't know what he needed. He didn't know what would help the negative thoughts go away. He didn't want to have those thoughts, but he couldn't make them stop. It was like he had a second face, hidden inside his mind. That face would say such mean things to him every day. He just wanted it to stop.

"To be honest, yeah." Yoongi scooted a little closer to Taehyung and reached over, grabbing his friend's hand."It can help you. I'll always be here for you too. You can talk to me about anything."

"Okay, Hyung." Lowering his gaze, Taehyung set aside the scissors."Maybe...I can make an appointment to see a therapist on my next day off from work."

"That's a good idea." Standing, Yoongi gave Taehyung's hand a small tug."Come on. Let's get some sleep. You can sleep with me in my room today."

That actually made Taehyung feel a little better. He didn't have to be afraid of losing his friend. Yoongi understood him."Hyung...Thanks."

"Anytime, Taehyung-ah." It had broken Yoongi's heart to learn that his friend was going through something so tough, but he would do his best to be there for him whenever he was needed."Just don't ever forget that you're my best friend, and I love you."

Those words struck a cord in Taehyung."I love you too, Hyung."