Chapter 11

The morning is a welcome time for Carlos as it means he is released from the prison of his dreams, which last night featured Valentina. Sleeping with Lola, those had somehow been repressed down but now without her, combined with the image of Anna, they have resurfaced. Robotically, he wipes his face as if wiping the fatigue from entire being, yet not quite being able to. Mentally, he calculates the length of time since he last visited Valentina, realising it has been far too long.

Shuffling into the living room, he's surprised to see that Lola is awake and up. Which means that he has slept in far too long.

"So when did you get back, yesterday?" she casually asks, an edge to that all too casual tone.

She'd heard him come in very early that morning, shuffle to her door and then back away. And maybe it was wrong, nosey and completely overstepping her boundaries but when she'd heard the pitter-patter of the shower working from behind his bedroom door, she'd snuck in. She'd snuck in and she'd picked at his clothing, searching through his pockets to try and gain a better understanding on what he was doing so late at night. She knew within herself that she wouldn't want to know. That she wouldn't like what she found. But she hadn't expected that.
She'd expected to be surprised with bloodstains on his clothes, not the scent of a woman's perfume. Not the distinctive scent of sex.

Anger and fury had overcome her, so much so she just wanted to waltz straight into the bathroom and...kill him. How could he do this? How could he just live with her, sleep in her bed almost every night and still be keeping another mistress?! And then to not tell her! That's...urgh!
She couldn't even see straight for a few minutes, the blood lust too strong. But then she gathered her senses and slinked back out into her own room, plotting to confront him head on.

It's for that reason exactly she'd woken early so as to not give him a chance to sneak out.

"Late," he grunts grabbing a coffee only and slumping into the couch seat adjacent to her.
Lola spins towards him, rising her eyebrows as she evenly asks, "and what were you doing?"
"Tending to my own business," he retorts calmly but firmly.

It's an answer that only infuriates Lola further.

"Oh? Not just your own I bet. So who was she Carlos? Where do you keep her? Another kidnaped victim I imagine. Did you force her or was she actually willing?" spits Lola, the venom in her voice emphasising each point she makes.
Before she can continue further he quickly interrupts, his own temper snapping from the interrogation and from the lack of sleep. Had he been in his sane mind, this conversation wouldn't even be happening because she is most definitely not his keeper.

"Yes-okay! Yes I was had sex with another woman is that what you want to hear Valentina?! I'm sorry okay! I'm so sorry!" He cries not realising his slip of tongue.

Lola however has noticed it and she's stunned. For starters she hadn't expected him to apologise for the extracurricular activity and for another he certainly hadn't expected for him to mistake her for his other lover! At this point she can't decide which is worse. But then again, why choose?

"Did you honestly just call me Valentina?" She rhetorically hisses as his eyes widen at his mistake.
"I-I-" he doesn't know what to say to that. He hadn't meant to. God...everything is falling apart and so spectacularly.
"Jesus! Are you serious? Who even is Valentina, Carlos?! Another Mistress? Your wife?!"

"She would have been," whispers Carlos his gaze sliding to a spot on the floor and focusing intently on it.

"What?" she exhales in disbelief. She would have been his mistress or she would have been his wife? Either way, both sounds as bad as each other.
"Valentina was my fiancé," he states, causing more questions to arise in Lola than become answered.

How the hell did Carlos manage to find a woman that would marry him? Sure he's good looking and there's the money but with his personality and family, just how long can that be enough for anyone?
"How? What? When? Wh-"

In that instance, Carlos knows he has a choice. One to walk away from this-keep Lola in the dark, keep all his emotions bottled up and secure. This would be the best option for her in the long run as proven before. But then there's the selfish option. The one where he can finally just let it all go and stop resisting her instance to integrate herself in his life. He could finally have someone on his side, know his story and listen to him. But all that information would only be detrimental to her, he knows it would suck her in. Having her in his orbit is bad enough but now to have her gravitating closer and closer towards him...well, at some point they are going to collide and who knows what will happen then?

And with his decision made, he slips away to his room.

Lola is left flabbergasted. Stupid girl, what was she really expecting though? That him-a killer, a mob boss's son-would actually...what? Confide in her? His victim. Yeah right. She's just a deal regretted. And it's not like she would confide in him. Okay, well maybe she would but that's only because she doesn't have many secrets, and certainly not ones involving violence or kidnap.

Lola's mind starts wondering into those potential secrets Carlos may carry. Developing crazy scenarios as to who this Valentina is and how she became Carlos's ex-fiancé. First she pictures Valentina as this sensual Jessica Rabbit character all sultry and sexy; then she imagines her as a small mousey Jane Eyre kind of girl but quickly dismisses that image. With a name like Valentina there's got to be some kind of poise and elegance to the woman. She pictures the seductive Valentina sat at some dark bar, sipping hard liquor with a cigarette in one hand while Carlos approaches her. To her it's like a black-and-white film, him speaking to her in a deep snappy tone as she retorts with some classic innocent girl routine that quickly draws him in.

The whole thing is surprisingly enjoyable until she hears Carlos stride back into the room dressed casually as determination is written all over his sharp features.

"Go put on some shoes and a coat," he commands making his way to the kitchen to toast a piece of rye bread.
"Uh...what?"
"We're going out, get ready," he states biting into the toast.

She slowly rises to her feet, moving towards the bedroom before her mind catches up with her actions. Wordlessly Lola does as he says, even following him into the car. But once they set off, she just can't contain her curiosity any longer.
"Where are we going Carlos?"

Hell, if he's taking her to her own funeral she doesn't exactly want to go looking so drab. That probably shouldn't be her first thought at the prospect of travelling to her own slaughter but it does point out how unlikely she believes it is he'll actually kill her.

"We're going to visit Valentina," he states shocking Lola.

And yes, she honest to God, believes her would do that. Of course, why wouldn't anybody introduce their ex-fiancé to their blackmailed live-in pet? That makes perfect sense....not. Unless...unless, Valentina he has some hidden agenda to her meeting Valentina. What if Valentina runs some kind of human trafficking ring? And he's just handing Lola over to her?
"Really? Do we have to? I mean, do I need to? This Valentina, I'm sure she's-"
"Stay here, I'll be right back," he interrupts her babbling, parking the car and stepping out, completely ignoring her mini freak out.

When he returns it's with a bouquet of baby pink roses, something far too feminine she believes for this human-trafficking Valentina. When they next pull up next to a church, Lola's more than convinced this is going to be some ironic Cartel exchange thing. Just like in the movies. Only in the movies, they'd be somewhere in South America and it would be at high noon, in a run-down church of a sleepy town. This is certainly no run-down church but then again, where does one find a run-down church on such short notice.

"Out. Let's go," he grunts, leaving her to follow cautiously.

Rather than entering the church they go around to the graveyard and it all suddenly dawns on Lola. Her steps falter behind him as she chillingly realises that Valentina is a dead.
"Carlos," she whispers as he finally comes to stand in front of a dead-stone.
Lying down the flowers at the foot, he simply just stares.
"This is Valentina. Was," he sighs, still facing forwards, "this was my...fiancé."

"What happened?"

Is this even something she wants to know? Something she can stomach or is it just going to be another titbit of information that's going to have her fear and hate him?

Either way, they take a seat on the nearby bench, facing the headstone directly.

"I was at college, determined not to touch any of my father's blood money, working as a barista. It was a stormy Friday afternoon, I was closing up and just like in some stupid fucking romance novel, Valentina walked in. Her clothes was soaked and she was desperate for a warm drink. She'd come from a small village in the northern part of Italy on a scholarship, she was an excellent model as well but her true passion was mathematics. Her English may be broken but she spoke the language of numbers fluently...Naturally we became friends then..more than friends. I met her family, through Skype of course but...for the first time, I pretended I was normal, that we were a normal couple."

"And then?" prods Lola as he pauses.

Just the image of a 'normal' Carlos feels surreal. The thought of him being happy, smiling, actually care-free is just...unconceivable yet at the same time, she wishes for it. She wishes she could know that Carlos than this one.

"Then...I had to make good on my deal. I was only permitted to attend college with the condition I return and accept my position below my father gracefully. Valentina, she had so much energy back then; she wouldn't let me go. She insisted on staying with me. So I introduced her to my family. Much to their horror, I was determined to marry her. But my family...we're like poison. And Valentina couldn't take it. She became a different person. She went from a happy, healthy woman to a paranoid, hostile, anxious one. She quit her modelling job, stopped seeing her family and lost interest in everything.
It was only later I realised what she'd been doing. I don't know how she got it or even from where but by the time I found out..."

"Cocaine?" breathes Lola.

She definitely wasn't expecting it to be an OD case. Especially not from the start of this story. But an OD case would explain how completely it's messed up Carlos. Living with someone with an addiction must be one of the hardest things to do especially when you love that person. Lola knows it's not comparable but there was a time when Papa had tried to quit smoking. That week he had been completely intolerable-all cranky and moody. Of course, he quickly restarted but respected that she didn't want him smoking in the house.

"Yes," sharply nods Carlos.
She exhales, her fingers circling her temples as she tries to make sense of all this.
"Why? Why are you telling me this?" she then finally questions.
What is the purpose of all this? To convince her he's not a monster-that he can love, or he could?

He finally turns to her. The sorrow completely evident in her steel eyes, emotion he makes no effort to conceal.
"Because Lola, I do not want and cannot have you becoming like Valentina," he explains. He can see the similarities in them. Perhaps not the physical traits but most definitely the personality ones and it's terrifying. Because they're lines are blurring and it's not safe.
"But I'm not your girlfriend, remember, Carlos?" she wryly states, causing his eyes to narrow unappreciatively. She thought she was nothing to him. Why would he care what happens to her?
"I'm saying Lola, that being friends or whatever it is you want is not going to work out well. You are far better off regarding me in discontent."
"What if I don't want to-"

"Don't! Don't say that Lola-"

"Why Carlos? Because if it's regarding Valentina, then everything you've told me...I don't see why you blame yourself."
"Because I was the catalyst that caused it all. I inadvertently killed-"
"No," presses Lola, her hand hesitantly resting against his back.
"Lola I..."he breaks off, not trusting his voice.

He needs to reel it in. Her hand may be small but the heat radiating from that on his back is phenomenal. Not just heat but also comfort and in that moment he simply just craves a hug.

Lola doesn't know what makes her do it but she winds her arms around him-or as much around him as she can. And much to her surprise, he doesn't resist, instead he actually leans in, his head bending down awkwardly to rest at her shoulder.

"Why did you have sex last night?"

Maybe this is a dirty move on her part, asking him a question like that when he's already down but she within her she still has a burning need to know.

"She looked like Valentina-the healthy Valentina and I just...I wanted to feel happy again," he admits softly.
Part of her can empathise with that, understand that but another selfish part doesn't want to. It would be so much easier to just have him be the monster and have her hate him, instead of this jumbled up mix of emotion.

"Okay...Okay, Carlos...It's okay," she soothes, her nurturing instincts taking over in an instance as her hand rubs circles in his back.

Everything in that moment is perfect.

Her words are like a soft blanket, her touch the soothing gel for his soul and her pulse the defibrillator for his heart. He really does believe her: it is okay. He soaks in everything about her; her scent, her lithe soft body, her silence and like greedy pauper he stores it all away in his memories.

The sane part of his mind reminds him he needs to let go of her-to stop clinging to her like a toddler to his mother. But he doesn't want to let go and that is the biggest problem of all. Because it's all truly well and good telling her to stay away but first those words need to penetrate into him. He should stay away from her yet he can't. And the reason for that is this. This moment of serenity for his restless subconscious is one he wants to hold onto for eternity.

But he has to let go.

He has to do some damage control. Explain his sissy actions to her in a way that does not emasculate him. After all, as he needs to keep reminding himself-he is a hardened criminal not some pansy boy.

Pulling himself out of her hold, he opens his mouth to say anything to rectify this situation but she simply shakes her head.

"Don't backtrack now, Carlos. If you're going to give me more warnings then save your breath," she firmly tells him.
She already has an idea formed about Carlos and him giving her needless, endless babble about having her keep him at arms length. She's already in deep with this and it's not like she can jump ship.
His jaw locks as he takes a moment to assess her, realising that she's completely serious and stubborn about not keeping an emotional distance with him. Not that he blames her. After all, he is the complicating it all by pouring in his woes.

Finally after a long length of bated silence he says, "let's go."

All throughout the rest of the day, Carlos is anxiously awaiting for her to mention Valentina and the church but she does not. Even when he slides into the other side of the bed beside her, she says nothing.
He shuffles behind her, hesitating for a moment before finally making the decision to wind his arm around her and draw her into him. Once again he captures her in his hold and this time she makes no effort to resist and instead shockingly places her palm over his hand.

"Did you love her?" she softly whispers into the darkness.
Behind her she feels Carlos surrounding her, his heart beating against her back steadily and soundly.
"Yes, I think I did."
"You think?" probes Lola curiosity piping up.

"I was myself with her. I had no constraints on me, no reputation attached to my name. But it was a young-puppy love-romanticised far too much. We had weakness in our relationship which neither of us chose to address, blissfully ignoring it instead. And then there was my lying," he explains trying to be as objective as possible.

He did love her very much but their relationship was far from perfect. Both of them were so deprived of the unconditional love that all they had were Disney movies and books and so the bumps, the arguments, any resentment was all buried deep down with a band-aid taped over it. Their loneliness had so much weight that being in that mismatched relationship was far better than the alternative.

Carlos feels Lola's fingers softly stroking his, before digging in and parting them so their hands interlock. A sombre smile flitters at his lips as he allows the intimate action.

"Carlos?"
He makes a rumbling noise of acknowledgement signalling her to continue.
"Tell me about how she....how she...passed away," requests Lola.
Clearly he's itching to talk to someone-anyone- about it all because of course, that's part of the grieving process and carrying all that grief around has obviously taken it's toll on him.

His fingers gently squeeze hers as he inhales before he starts recounting.

"She was getting reckless and careless with hiding the addiction from me. I came home one day to find her sat in her pyjamas, hunched over the coffee table lined with rows of the white powder. Things were already falling apart at the seams and this was one of the tipping points. I was furious, she was in the tight clutches of the addiction and...it all broke down. I remember, throwing it all out as she clawed, screamed, begged me not to. She was saying anything to me in hopes I would give her back what she thought was her happiness, but I held strong. There must have been a stash I missed because when I came home the next day she had overdosed."

"It wasn't your fault," she replies.

He freezes before exhaling, not believing that for a minute. If he'd just found all of it, she wouldn't have overdosed. If he'd got her professional, proper help she wouldn't have overdosed. If he'd never got so involved with her, she wouldn't have overdosed.

"...But you don't believe that, even though you should," she mutters quietly.
"Maybe," he replies unconvinced.

There's another pause of much needed silence as both just absorb in their conversation before Lola ignites another.

"I don't know what you've done Carlos and what you've not done. But I'm not God, I can't judge you for it, I can only listen. There's no one I can tell about all this-about us- so...if you want to talk to me, I will listen."
"There some things I've done that are unspeakable, Lola," he warns but despite Lola's brief wavering of confidence, she holds strong.

"I believe no one is beyond redemption Carlos," she retorts.

The past cannot be changed but the future is malleable.

Carlos does not believe that. He does not believe he deserves redemption, he should pay for his sins and living in emotional isolation is his punishment.

But with Lola lodged in his life, that punishment may just be coming to a conclusion.

A/n Technically it is still Monday in my time zone. The reason I'm late on this update is because I had a presentation and had to then move all my stuff out of my University accommodation.

But yeah...Thanks for everyone sticking with this.

I know that there was a lot of mixed emotions in the previous chapter and you're all entitled to them-of course! And I do love hearing about them and talking to you all about what you're thinking especially if it's something different to what I had in mind when writing the story, so if I'm asking you to explain-I don't mean it offensively, I'm just curious!

Being completely honest, because writing is a hobby, I don't bother having rigid set storyboards, I tend to have certain events I want happening in mind and then seeing how it goes with the characters and trying to get into the head of them. So if you ever think 'this girl has no idea what she's writing' it's probably because I'm winging it :P

Anyway, until next time :D x