twenty-one - stardust

- - - ➳

matthias and i are completely at peace as we lay supine under the pale moonlight, our backs against the soft grass that tickles the sides of our faces. carly is up in a tree again, cleaning her arrows. she is just out of hearing range, and for some reason, i am grateful for that.

"this has become our tradition," matthias notes, breaking the calm silence that has lapsed between us.

"what, sitting under the stars as we tell each other our secrets?" i question with amusement. he chuckles softly from beside me and i feel a warming in my heart at the mellifluous sound. laughter is understandably rare in the hunger games, but it's his that makes me feel at home.

"when you think about it, we've pretty much always stayed up when everyone else was asleep and just talked," matthias says. it's true. over the past however many days we've been in the games, he and i have grown closer and closer.

i know this is wrong. i shouldn't be this attached to him. we shouldn't be laying out here on the grass under the moonlight. but there are a lot of things that shouldn't be done, and yet we did them anyway.

the capitol anthem blares out and i jump in fright at the sudden loudness. where we are positioned, there is just enough room between the tops of the trees to see the pictures of the tributes appear in the black sky.

there are only two. two fallen tributes. lycus' face appears in the sky with his district beneath it. it fades. i suck in a breath. i clench my fists and make myself rigid.

none of that stops the punch to the gut i feel when i see nina's face staring down at me.

as soon as he senses my discomfort – if that's even what you can call it – matthias reaches out without hesitation and grabs my enclosed hand. the action surprises me and i freeze. his hand massages mine until he is able to coax my fist open, where he entwines our fingers.

the anthem cuts off. it's back to silence. and matthias still hasn't let go. his thumb rubs small, soothing circles into the back of my hand, and soon i let my body relax. his touch is so warm and familiar that it comforts me better than anything else can.

aside from the two hugs we've shared, this is the most i've come in contact with a human other than my family and cinna. and now that i think about it, matthias was the first and only person outside of family and stylists to come this close to me without getting their head ripped off.

my mind thinks back to when i grabbed his hand after the fire that killed the tribute, but that moment was nowhere near as intimate as this one, where are fingers are actually weaved together.

i glance at him and see he's staring straight up into the sky, the moon's light reflecting into his bright blue eyes. i bite my lip and turn away, feeling embarrassed for looking at him.

"what happened to you?"

it takes a second before i realize he's talking to me. i blink, confused. then i discern that he means what happened after i was kidnapped.

i let out a slow breath of air. "i..."

that's all i can get out. matthias's head turns to face me, half-hidden in the shadows. "you don't have to talk about it now. whenever you're ready."

my mind drifts to asher, of him when he was about to tell us the tragic story of his past. how he was breaking down before us, but still managed to get the words out. i want to be strong like he was.

so i take another deep breath and begin.

"it was only a few minutes after you fell asleep," i start. "they pressed a cloth over my nose and mouth and let me suffocate until i passed out. when i woke up, i was lying on something soft but packed. i heard noises like shovels and what felt like dirt being layered onto me."

matthias's breath hitches. "no."

i feel tears prick at my eyes as i recount what happened, but i continue anyway. "sure enough, lycus, astrid, and emrys were burying me alive." i close my eyes and feel a tear escape, rolling down into my hair. "i couldn't move. if i did, they'd kill me on the spot. so i let them bury me.

"i was screaming. it was the most terrifying experience of my life. oxygen was scarce but i had to yell in case someone – anyone – happened to be around."

when i pause, matthias eventually finds the courage to speak again. "and that girl...she pulled you out?"

i nod, more tears escaping at the mention of her. "nina. i maneuvered myself enough to get my hand out, and she dug and got me out of there. she killed lycus, too. twice she saved my life. and now i can never repay her."

matthias's thumb has ceased to rub circles into my hand, and so i release it, sitting up and wiping my eyes. a cold, empty hole of sadness and trauma burns in my stomach and spreads to the very tips of my toes.

my voice is barely a whisper as i mumble, "i never felt so alone."

i feel arms wrap around me and i lean into them without a second thought. matthias's figure is blurred by salty tears that fill my eyes when soft words come out of his mouth. words that manage to fill that hole. "you'll never feel that way again, okay? i swear that i will stay by your side. not protect you, i know you can do that yourself. but stand by you and fight alongside you."

i bite my lip again. "until the very end?"

matthias squeezes me tighter. "until the very end."

something cold presses into my palm. and then another object. and another. i blink away the tears and look down. matthias has given me back all my knives and daggers.

"i think you can have these back now," he murmurs gently. "you've seen way too much. slay those demons, okay?"

a lump forms in my throat. my hand closes around the weapons. "thank you."

even though i have my knives back, the only thing i need to make me feel safe is matthias.

and when he smiles at me, i realize he is sunshine and warmth and all things good, while i am dark and cold and there can't possibly be more differences between us. but maybe his warmth is melting my cold, and his rays of sun aren't as bright as i thought they were before. maybe we are growing on each other in more ways than we know.

-

i don't sleep that night, and neither does he. matthias refuses to leave my side even though i can tell he needs rest. my ardent attempts to make him fall asleep soon prove to be useless as it does not seem he will be closing his eyes any time soon.

so we stay up almost the whole night, talking quietly until our throats grow scratchy from so much use. we must be painting red and white targets on our backs, but we don't care. the possibility of an onslaught is a small price to pay for the bonding time between us.

around the three a.m mark is when things get a little strange. i don't know why, but matthias is busy braiding together a halo of purple and blue wildflowers he picked from a field. his fingers are nimble as he threads the stems together, a look of pure concentration on his face as he works. when he finishes, he holds the crown up and places it on my head, tucking my hair around it so it lays perfectly. he stares at me with a soft smile, and in that moment i actually feel confident. i know i must look horrible, with messy hair and a greasy face and like someone in the hunger games typically would, but the only reason i feel the least bit picturesque is because the way that matthias is looking at me makes me think, for the first time, that maybe i am the least bit beautiful.

the next morning is a rough one. my eyelids droop with exhaustion and there are dark, purple circles under both our eyes. our faces our puffy and drained of color. we both must look like we've risen from the dead.

which, in a sense, we have. there are no signs of the people we were before we entered this arena. matthias was a seemingly helpless boy, of whom i was surprised he could even carry a sword despite his physical strength. now i know he's a fighter and tougher than i could ever have imagined. i feel ashamed for associating his outward kindness and smiles with weakness.

and me? i don't know who i am anymore. the games have already destroyed me, and they're not even over yet.

"where's carly?" i ask with a hoarse voice, standing and stretching sluggishly. i rub my tired eyes and sling our backpack around my shoulders before matthias can say he can carry it himself.

the branch she was previously in is empty. the rope she used to tie herself in place is curled at the base of the trunk, and her bow is nowhere to be found.

matthias frowns, glancing around in the trees, irises shifting from branch to branch in search of her. "no idea. we should stay here. maybe she went hunting again or something."

something catches my eye as i look around, sparking my interest. there is something on one of the trees.

"matthias." i grab his attention and start walking slowly to said tree. there are cursory words carved into the bark, some of the cuts deeper than others. i notice a glint of sunlight reflection on the ground, where one of my knives rests. i pick it up, sliding it into a holster.

as soon as i am able to decipher the message, my heart nearly stops.

don't try to find me

i am merely a ghost in this graveyard

matthias reads the words aloud in a quiet voice, his eyebrows pinched together. then his eyes go wider than i've ever seen them. "when did she write this? we were awake the whole time."

i think back, racking my brain for anything i can think of as panic settles in my stomach and makes it churn. when could she have written it?

a lightbulb goes off. there was a time when we dozed off for about ten minutes before nightmares woke us both up. i smack my forehead, muttering, "stupid, stupid, stupid."

when i explain to matthias, he groans and places a hand on the bark, outlining the messy letters with the tips of his fingers. "what's she talking about? 'i am merely a ghost in this graveyard.'"

we both think for a few moments before it hits me hard and fast, and i feel like the entire weight of the sky has been placed on my shoulders and given to me to carry alone. i sink to my knees, barely registering that matthias is crouched in front of me, expression frantic as he endeavors to get me to respond.

"thalia! thalia, what is it?" he asks, putting his hands on either one of my cheeks as he searches my eyes wildly, concern evident in his facial features.

my heart feels like it's going into cardiac arrest. shaking hands grip onto matthias, and i'm looking him dead in the eye as the word comes out in a strangled whisper. "suicide."

gif is thalia being freaking adorable

_______

THE MATTHALIA FEELS ARE TOO MUCH. RIP ME.

also betcha didnt see that comin ooOOhhh

ALSO ITS MY BIRTHDAY IN TWO DAYS YAAY. someone send me ryan kelley dressed as deputy parrish with a bow on top of his head and unshaved scruff pls

dedicated to mukeshowell bc their comments are always so nice ((:

ok im taking a nap now bye

xoxo,
kristyn