#2 Jealousy

"A lot of people get so hung up on what they can't have that they don't think for a second about whether they really want it."
- Lionel Shriver, Checker and the Derailleurs

You do not turn evil in a moment, like a glass shattering on the ground it was dropped on, righteousness cannot be destroyed in one second, minute or an hour. Instead it is like the sky, on a bright summer, where the days are longer, filled with the warmest of sun rays. It slowly, loses the glow, gradually turns pale and split into many beautiful colors before finally giving in to the darkness that is spreading, first the pale blue, then the gray, then the deeper gray, the navy, inky taints and finally the solid blackness. Evilness is something similar; it takes a life time to turn an angle in to a demon.
The sky had finally given in to the night that had its claws spread all across the heavens. Her house was far more silent than Ragini would expect to find amidst the festivities of her sister's approaching wedding. But knowing, the function possibly was cancelled forever, she walked in, her head bowed, cloths slightly messy and hair tousled. She was returning from the police station and no one, after one glance at her upset expression, dared to hold her back and demand her to repeat the worst she had ever witnessed.
So uninterrupted and silent, she went to her room and closed her door, there was no sound that could distract her thoughts. In the mirror in a far corner she caught a reflection of her own self, the pale and dejected looking, yet lovely face and the eyes that scared her with their monstrous emptiness. Ragini had no idea when she had turned in to this person, the beautiful yet shallow stranger gazing at her from her reflection. She had just betrayed her sister, uttered the biggest lie of her life and the most fearsome thought was the knowledge that she knew, if given another chance to relive the moment she would repeat the hideous deed, with no regret what so ever.
Around her the semi darkened room dissolved in to a scene from her childhood, and the adult Ragini stood numb, watching the first splotches of darkness splaying across her conscious as her mind replayed that memory.
Her father's sister had been her first music teacher, knowing what a wonderful Sitar player Ragini had turned in to, she had arranged for a little gathering with the closest friends, where the duo, aunt and niece would showcase their talent. As they practiced, Ragini had often seen Swara standing a number of feet away; watching in the shadows, her aunt was not found of this sister of Ragini's and had refused to teach her anything at all. At the time, Ragini had no idea how deep their resentment for Swara ran or the reason behind it. Once a while she had felt sorry for the older yet partly out casted girl, from the depth of her heart.
But the feeling of guilt at having deprived her sister of the opportunity to learn music evaporated from Ragini's mind that night. Since they were calling friends over, her mother had decided that she would have a prayer meeting, where Ragini and her aunt can play and sing in devotional fashion. What started with that noble intention and had proceeded with Ragini's wonderful performance with the instrument was thwarted when some lady asked Swara to sing for them as well.
Still, in a corner of her numb mind, Ragini could hear the soulful, poignant, young voice of her sister, the pitch solid and tune melodious, singing away the glory of their lord Krishna. There was an utter silence veiling the assembly as she sang, a soft proud smile in her mother's face as the girl with her eyes closed and hands clasped continued to sing.
The expressions around her varied from devotion, appreciation, awe to a deep sense of loathing in the face of Ragini's aunt and Ragini herself, felt she had suddenly forgotten how to smile. A burning hole was created in her heart, closer to the place where her sister dwelled. That was the first taste of darkness, the bitterness of not being acknowledged for all the effort she had put in to training and instead having to listen Swara being praised.
In the scene in front of her now, a young Ragini sat by the window of the semi darkened room, clutching her Sitar and playing in to a bitter silence. She continued to play until it was the break of the dawn, until she could no longer hear any of the notes that escaped her strings, until her fingers started to bleed. That pain, the blood and the weariness had compressed the jealousy she felt somewhere deep within her. She was able to smile again, treat her sister as usual, but the Ragini she was at the end of that agonizing performance was not the one who sat there at the start.
The surrounding changed, reforming yet another memory. She was older now, staying home sick with terrible flu. She was at the window, looking out once more as her sister came home after school with a cluster of friends, chatting around her. No one from the school bothered to check up on her, but there they were, huddled around her laughing and chatting. A second stab of pain passed through her heart. It was true that Swara was never pampered in their household like Ragini. But what Ragini wanted was all those friends, who thought she was someone wonderfully cool, who would laugh at something she said, walk with her, share their day with her. For a moment she imagined herself in Swara's place, instead of the lonely window side and felt the pain dulling out. It was still curable, she was still herself.
The last and the darkest of her memories rematerialized in front of her. It was true that she saw Lakshya after he became Swara's best friend, but that did not stop her heart from flattering whenever he smiled at her. She could not help but look at him again and again, and sometimes he would catch her eye and smile, making her feel warm in her cheeks. He was gentle, warm and kind, he always listened whenever they talked. She had dared to hope that all he shared with Swara was friendship and someday he and she might share something more than that. Perhaps, Ragini wondered, he felt the same thing for her?
But the dream was crushed rather cruelly, when Swara came skipping home and held her wrists and twirled her around.
'Ragini! Ragini! Oh I'm so happy!' She said in a sing-song tone.
'Why? What happened?'
'Lakshya said he loves me! Lakshya loves me! He loves me!'
'Really?' With her throat going painfully dry that was all she managed to utter.
'Yes! It's unbelievable right? But he said those words! Oh, Ragini! I want to dance!'
The sharp pain was there once more. This time it was far more agonizing than ever. Once again her dream had laid itself at Swara's feet. Ragini felt drained. She could no longer fight with that pain. She could not compress it anymore, neither would it dull away. This time she could not smile back. She did try, it felt painful as her lips curled themselves in to a very fake, very forced smile. Swara who was so lost in her own happy bubble did not notice how the last remains of her once beloved younger sister melted away slowly.
The last memory, no older than a few hours, replayed in her mind finally. It was the only time she could fight back against her fate. Get what she desired and Ragini felt an odd sense of relief as she recalled her own words.
'I saw her stabbing him. I did.'
*
"She had loved him for such a long time, she thought. How was it that she did now know him at all?"
- Cassandra Clare, Clockwork Prince
The bridal attire was oddly uncomfortable. The fabric felt warm and itching against her skin as if she was wearing another's skin, it felt suffocating. Ragini shifted in her chair as the stylist worked on her makeup. She did not dare to look at her reflection, afraid of the empty eyed monster she knew she would find staring back.
The door of her room opened and closed revealing the most unnatural of sights. It was Lakshya, standing at her door helplessly.
'Can I come in?' He asked, in a very quiet voice.
'Yes, please.' Ragini said urgently as the stylist went away, giving them a moment of privacy. She stood up, her eyes still fixed on his uneasily rigid face and her skirts rustling. 'Is something wrong?'
Lakshya took a long moment to speak, then he sighed and opened his mouth.
'She is your sister.'
Her eyes widened a little. So he was here to talk about that. Was he here to hear her explanation? Does he hope she would give him the reasons behind her decision?
'She betrayed you,' she said in her sweetest naive tone. 'It was not your fault Lakshya Ji'
'So, you believe she had something going on with...'
'Did you see how dejected she was with his death? She looked so empty, only someone who lost their love would look like that. She is only acting to lose her memory of the incident, she wants you to suffer in anticipation, that's why she is holding her statement, so that you would fear for the rest of your days what she would say next. No one does that for their love. '
Her voice shook as she said those things. They made no sense to her. She just wanted to get his eyes rid of that look of guilt. Ragini would not have her husband feeling guilty for leaving his ex lover. She did not want him to keep reminding her what she had done. Because in reality Lakshya did not understand what she had done. He had no idea at all.
This was her spell he was caught in, he was her prisoner now. Ragini held the thread of Lakshya's life and she knew for sure that as long as he wanted to live he had to live with her. It gave her a sense of liberation, to have her love bound to her for a life time. That was the reason which made her agree to this proposal and never in her life would she confess of this truth to another living soul.
'I shouldn't have loved her ever,' Lakshya said slowly.
Those words were all she ever imagined to hear. The emotion that tainted those words were all she would ever spare for Swara.
'She turned me in to a monster.'
He sighed, watching Ragini close her eyes.
'You're right, she does deserve this pain for breaking my heart.'
Her eyes popped open, she watched him in confusion.
'She made me love her and loved another in turn. I had given her everything and she deceived me, broke my heart, disgraced my family, betrayed me, she is still trying to confuse me in to more trouble. She does deserve this.'
It seemed he was talking to himself, trying to convince himself. But something broke inside Ragini's heart. She thought he was repenting for what he had done, that was the reason for her words. She wanted to relieve him from the burden of guilt. But his burden was hatred, directed at someone whom Ragini knew had not committed anything against him. He was repenting no more than Ragini herself was. For the first time she realized that her god too had feet of clay, but her devotion had rooted too deep, she would not turn back now.
Then she realized she was afraid.
He wanted to hurt the one who broke his heart, destroy that person. What would he do when he realize it was Ragini who deserve that pain more? She took a step backwards. No, she would do anything to safe guard that secret. Whether she obtained Lakshya's love or not, she would never be subjected to his hatred.
'Thank you Ragini. Thank you for saving me.' He was saying. She smiled at him.
'I will save you Lakshya ji, I promise.'
*
"He said he wanted to trade lives with me, saying he wanted what I have. He must want for nothing, because that's exactly what I have."
- Jarod Kintz, This Book is Not FOR SALE
Until she finished talking Swara said nothing at all. Then she looked up, at the newlywed bride in front of her, her eyes glittering in fresh tears.
'Do you hate me so much?' She asked slowly.
Ragini looked a little taken aback from that question but regained her composure almost immediately.
'Yes.' She said. 'I hate you for the pain you gave my husband. He does not deserve this Swara, he does not deserve to suffer.'
'I didn't kill anyone.'
'So do you think I did?' Ragini interjected. 'Do you want me to accept that I stabbed Vansh? Would you be happy if I go to jail now? Would you be happy sending Lakshya's wife to jail on her wedding day?'
'What are you saying Ragini?'
'Stop this Swara, stop playing with people's lives! Do you know how much you're hurting anyone?'
'I didn't...'
'Don't lie! I saw you!'
Swara buried her face in her hands.
'Everyone is stressed because of you. How do you manage to do this every single time? You make everyone suffer, make them worry. You are like some leech sucking away happiness, what's wrong with you?'
'Please stop it!'
'Do you know how disgraced our family was? Do you know how much Lakshya suffered? And here you are continuing to lie, again and again! How do you expect to walk away with blood on your hands Swara?'
'What do you want me to do?'
'Accept it.' Ragini said slowly. 'Accept your fate. Leave us to ours. Walk away Swara, have mercy on us...' 'And let me live your life.' Was what she had no courage to utter.
Swara sighed, her eyes dimmed and her lips trembling she nodded once.
*