To my friend who wanted to know what happened to Durga Prasad.

#4 Love

Four and a half years later...

Jab kabhi tera naam lete hain - Dil se hum inteqaam lete hain
Bas yahi ek jurm hai apna - Hum mohabbat se kaam lete hain

Jab kabhi tera naam lete hain- Dil se hum inteqaam lete hain
Lyrics- Sartar Anjum

The darkness descended upon their home, could not falter her steps, but the darkness engulfing her thoughts frequently blurred her vision. Annapurna could not keep that secret any longer. The feeling of relief that soared through her veins suffocated her with a traitorous feeling, like a spy hidden among enemy fronts.

It was not the kind of monstrous happiness that had gleamed back at her from the eyes of her husband as he made her betray her son, as he watched them both bleed the wounds of the bond he had cut off, but more of a relief, that she had finally ended this circle of suffering and torturing for good, that the battle was over.

She opened the door to the study, in her usual silent a composed manner, still her pulse painfully throbbing against her throat and nerves wreaking her. Her eyes fell upon the hunched figure resting on the large throne like chair, his face lost in darkness similar to his soul, his hands supporting his chin in a clasped position, still trying to figure out what had finally punctured a hole in his ever air born prestige.

As usual he ignored her. In Durga Prasad's blind pursuit of power he had forgotten how vital the position she held in his life was, well, it had been a mistake he is about to realize.

It was me,' her voice was clear, sharp enough to cut through the silence surrounding him. He jerked his head and looked at her, only to see the same steady yet teary gleam in her eyes, the one she had when she brought Sanskar to their home. I gave that Mehendi stained outfit to Sanskar, at the day of Swara's trail.'

His features changed rapidly, from confusion to understanding to rage, lividest anger and finally settled on a dark, broody expression.

I should have known, a snake takes its revenge even if it had to wait for a century.' He said then, in a venomous tone. I take it, this isn't an apology.'

No,' Annapurna shook her head. I'm not sorry for what I did, rather of what I could not do. You were right, I had become a snake trying to protect a gem above my life, blinded in its gleam, and I had turned reptilian. Yes, I have taken revenge, but not from you...never from you, I have punished myself, for being so blind that I couldn't guide you to light...Wish I had been stronger enough to love you the way you needed.'

I wish you had remained blind.'

Yes, then I would not have seen the chasm we were walking towards, then my instinct would not have held me back, I would love nothing more to walk to death with you but it is the reality...there can never be anyone, one loves than one's own self.'

For this peace hunt of yours you just sacrificed your son!'

No,' she shook her head again. You had sacrificed him a long back, for your lust of power. You kept throwing him in flames that he is blackened beyond repair now; there is nothing I can do for him.'

All your life you said you do things for my family, for its honor, but no, you are as selfish as I am.'

Does it make you happy to repeat how alike we are?' Annapurna's tone was soft yet mocking. Do you wish that you were me perhaps?'

How dare you!'

Yes I lied to myself. I confess that now. All I did, I did them for my own happiness, but now I see that it's not possible here. There's no point in looking for moon in water it is reflected on...I give up.'

I lost everything Annapurna...what is the point of rubbing salt in my wounds?'

You lost everything a long back Ji, you lost them when you refused to acknowledge a life made of your own blood. All these years I was trying to return what you lost, but you keep running away. Now I have given up trying and you understood how empty your life is. But there is nothing I can do now...nothing at all.'

Don't leave.'

Annapurna took a step backwards, her face paled in shock. How did he know that she was planning to leave in the morning? And that voice, full of desperation, how on earth was she going to answer that.

She closed her eyes for a moment and remembered Lakshya's face drained of hope. There was no escape for him. The voice of Durga Prasad was no different. Then she recalled her own voice begging on a different time,

Sanskar! Don't leave!'

I am no longer Annapurna Durga Prasad Maheshwari, that woman died the day she betrayed your trust, I am a mother to a person you do not acknowledge as your own and have no business under this roof anymore. I have no choice but to leave.'

She took another deliberate step backwards, putting more distance between the determined mother and the emotionally drained wife.

My son is calling me, I must go.'

He said nothing as Durga Prasad buried his head in his hands. It was clearly over, there was nothing more to say. He heard Annapurna's slightly shaking tone as she shut the door of the study.

I am sorry...very very sorry.'

Not because I am leaving, but because I could not hold you back before you went so far towards that chasm.

*

**Har sapna khushi pane se pura nai hota
Koi kisi ke bina adhura nai hota
Jo chand roshan karta hai raat bhar sab ko
Har raat wo bhi toh pora nahi hota **

Ashwin Sharma sat back leisurely in the vast waiting room. He had an appointment in a few minutes with a Paris return designer of a glamorous fame in his circles. His only daughter was soon to be married and he was supposed to discuss her wedding outfit with her designer. As he sat in the waiting room that oddly seemed to match his taste, musing over the achievements that decorated a wall in front of him, his thoughts wandered on random topics.

The door opened in a moment, revealing a woman in her later twenties.

I'm sorry to keep you waiting sir,' she said as she walked in briskly. Ashiwin stretched out his hand for her, with a pleasant smile.

Swara Gadodia,' she said as they shook hands and Ashiwin's eyes finally fell upon her face. Something inside him froze as they shook hands. There was a sense of striking familiarity in her features. Her eyes, coffee colored and glittering looked just like...

Mishti...'

I beg your pardon?'

I ah...' Ashwin rubbed his forehead with his index and middle fingers. You reminded me of an old friend of mine...who had eyes just like yours.'

Must have been a beautiful friend then...' Swara smiled easily and lead Ashiwin to her office. They sat there for hours discussing details on the dresses she was supposed to design for the wedding functions.

Mr. Sharma,' she said after a moment in a cautious tone. That friend of yours, you said about earlier, what happened to her?'

I lost her.' He said in a small voice.

Why?' She bit her lip. I mean if you don't mind me asking I was curious...'

Some dreams aren't meant to be fulfilled my dear...' he said in an empty tone. She was the most beautiful of that sort.'

Did you wake up from the dream or walked away from it?'

Ashwin looked at her curiously.

What made you think that?'

Oh, it's just that someone told me most people like to believe their worst mistakes are only dreams.'

I would never call her a mistake,' he said a little firmly.

But still you chose to leave her?'

I had to...'

Did you ever think of her again? Did you ever regret?'

Who are you Swara?'

It depends,' Swara drew her chair back and stood up. On your answer Mr. Sharma.'

I was in love with her, so much so that I could have died for her. But her parents would never have agreed and she would never have parted with them... I wanted to make myself worthy for her. So I left and tried to make a name for myself.' He stopped and silence grew solid.

What happened?'

I should not have left her. I should not have trusted anyone.'

There was silence again.

None of my messages had reached her in home no hers found me. She was led to believe that I had abandoned her. I know she would have struggled in denial but in the end she had accepted it. By the time I came to know of that...she was already married to another.'

But you should have at least once met her...'

I did go to see her...a year or two later. But I realized how heavy the effect of time is. She had moved on. Had a little angelic daughter and was pregnant again... How could I face her then and break her for a second time. I left without seeking an audience with her...and never went back.'

He turned to her curiously and found her leaning against the wall, her eyes slightly glittering and her arms folded against her chest. Are you related to Shermishta Bose by any chance? Is she your mother? Do you know her at all?'

She watched him, in silence and tears leaked from her eyes.

I never knew the woman you loved Mr. Sharma. I'm afraid I don't know her.'

He stood up and watched her attentively for another minute or so. He could not pin point it, but that familiarity in her features did not let him leave.

You will attend the wedding won't you?' He asked her for the sake of saying something.

No Mr. Sharma. I won't be here those days. I'm planning to go home.'

Oh.' He sounded disappointed. Myra would have liked it if you came. She considers you a sister.'

Sister,' she repeated slowly. Tell her I'm sorry and I wished her all the happiness in the world.'

I don't want to ruin another sister's world.

Take care of yourself.'

He turned to leave.

Forgive yourself, Mr. Sharma,' she called after him.

I'm sorry, what?'

Consider her a beautiful dream as you told me before and forgive yourself for leaving her. Dreams are meant to be left behind when you wake up.'

Do you think she would have forgiven me?'

I know she would. I believe you can too.'

*

Ankhon mein raha dil mein utar kar nahi dekha,
Kishti ke musafir ne samundar nahi dekha
Pather mujhe kahta hai mera chahne wala,
Mai mom hoon usne mujhe chukar nahi dekha

Bashir Badra

Your silence isn't going to end this discussion today,' she says in a tone solid and unwavering. I drive in silence knowing she would not give up even if I try my best argument here.

Can a man ever be more confused than I am? Honestly, I don't think so. For some fragment of the minute that passes in silence I wonder what am I seriously wondering? And then thank the gods for my thoughts being out of her reach, she would have murdered me if she heard me thinking of her love in this tone, as if almost looking for a way to break her resolve, make her understand that what she is feeling is not love at all.

I have seen some darkest shades of love, tasted some most bitter of its syrups that I can't believe this light, bright and sweet aura she wraps around me, this lightheadedness, this relief is love at all. That must be the simple effect of her glorious presence, her ignorance of the length to which I am broken and of her own feelings. It makes me loathe myself, for craving her company, for letting her live in this illusion that she is in love with me when I should in fact help her get over it. It feels like I am using her, like a balm that would soothe my wounds. Swara Gadodia is no balm and I have no right to use her this way.

I want an answer.' She continues in her sweet yet determined way. And that I want with an explanation. If you think we can't be together I need to know why!'

I look at her wearily and she fumes at me.

You sent me to Paris, I said nothing, you didn't come to see me even once, no phone calls, no messages and I knew then. What did you think? You thought give her a year or two and she will forget me...move on. She is not in love after all, she is feeling what was that...ah..yes, she is feeling gratitude! And she is a two year old who would love anyone because they brought her a red balloon right?'

I shake my head at her words and park the car. She is still muttering under her breath.

Coward!' That is the only word I catch as I open the door for her.

Come,' I say, overlooking the insult thrown at me.

What are we doing in a graveyard? Going to scare me with a ghost now?'

How can one scare Casper with a ghost?' I ask her curiously.

Ha ha!  Very funny.' She says following me, still muttering. Then after a moment  she falls silent. Apart from her footfall behind me I can't hear anything. Why is it that when she is in my vicinity, my senses pick up nothing but slightest of signs that indicates her presence. Her footfall on the rather dried up earth, her tinkling bangles, and the flowery smell of her hair are all I can sense around me. If I dare to ask her, she would say it is love.

But I already know that.

I know that I am irrevocably in love with her. It takes all the control I could master not to shout that out, make it obvious that I can't imagine a life without her. Only if she knew how hard it was to live when she was in Paris. But it is her love I'm not sure of. She is just naive, confused and immature. Any strong feeling would be love for her and in my strong need to have her I am reading too deep in to her bright oblivion. I can't do that.

Still wondering how fake my love is?'

I jerk out of the thought and raise my eyebrows at her. How transparent I am, or how deep she is?'

Why can't you just believe I'm as much in love as you are?'

Because no one can be as much in love as I am.' I tell her shortly and then bit my lip. That was stupid. Unintentionally I raise a hand and caress her cheek; she closes her eyes feeling my touch. I trust you.' I tell her softly. But I don't trust myself.'

She opens her eyes and looks at me.

I can give you that answer, right now, right here. But I'm not sure who it is you are in love with, what it is that you want me to say. I am a person no one has ever stepped closer enough to see Casper. It is that person, who loves you more than anything in the world. But I'm not sure if you would be able to love him back... he is not the guy I know you saw and got attracted to. I'm not SK... I'm someone far too broken and dark.'

*

Her fingers interweaved with his as he pulled her forward.

So I want you to see who I am first, then if still you want to hear my answer, I will give it to you.'

They walked on, hand in hand, through the rows upon rows of graves, lying forgotten.

Why are we here Sanskar?'

To see someone who would have loved to meet you.'

She looked at him quizzically as they stopped in front of a grave. It was buried deep underneath a heavy layer of dried leaves. Sanskar knelt down and removed the leaves, his eyes casted down, reading the words etched upon the stone, his long lashes effectively hiding the glitter in his eyes.

I came here with Ma once,' he said in a disconnected tone. I was fifteen then and didn't understood what she had to do here. In a grave of a dead Christian. In fact she had nothing to do here. I do.' He looked up at her. Suhani Rose is my mother.'

Swara fell to her knees next to him, gazing at the grave ahead of them. Her fingers, felt their way through the rustling nettles and caught his hand.

She was Durga Prasad Maheshwari's junior once upon a time. An orphan girl, a pretty orphan girl.' His voice shook a little and died. I wish she was a little stronger, or wiser. I wish she had resisted his charms. I wish he was not so shallow. But he was everything I wish he wasn't; she wasn't anything I wish she was.'

Did he...like Kavita, did he murder her or something?'

Perhaps, I'm not sure of that. Ma doesn't know either. But she died giving birth to me...still Durga Prasad did not want to accept me. It was Ma who took me under her wing, because she had promised her when she died. She was there...when she died.'

There was a long silence.

When she told me all this, I have never been the same. It is one thing to know that one of your parents betrayed the other...but another to acknowledge that you're a result of so many betrayals rolled in to one. Since then I have lived knowing what kind of a monster my father had been...what kind of a monster I could be if I wasn't restrained by Annapurna Maheshwari's noble values.'

Do you know what hurt me most, not the fact that he betrayed my mother, but the fact that he was unfaithful to someone as devoted and pure as Ma. I still wonder how he managed that and still fear if he had passed those traits to me.'

He looked at her, his eyes reddened with unshed tears and his voice shaking.

I would not live if I ever hurt you that way Casper. You should never give me that kind of a power over yourself.'

You're not...'

If you treat me the way Ma had, like a god who deserves all that devotion and love, I fear I might turn into another Durga Prasad. That's why I never let myself associate with the glamour or fame of that family's name, because I was afraid it might blind me just like him. I don't want to be my father...I don't want to break your heart someday.'

Swara stood silent for a long moment. Eyeing him breaking down with her heart wrenching within her, she had never thought he was wounded this deep. Never had she imagined him to be so fragile within his walls of vibrant and cold persona. It shook her, scared her to see that dark and raw image and made her speechless for that moment.

Then the warmth that touched the moment spoke against the silence. She had never thought, one could love so deeply. It was a kind of love she had never known existed let along expecting to receive. He was too precious to let go.

Inching closer she cupped his face in her shaking hands, forcing him to look at her and touched her lips to his forehead.

I'm not Annapurna Maheshwari.' She said finally. And you're no monster either. I know what you mean back then Sanskar. You're right, I may never love as you do...for I never knew one could love so selflessly but I would love to be loved that way... But in the silly, immature way I love...I would love that person who loves me so much, all my life.' She stopped and looked in to his eyes. If he lets me. If he thinks I deserve that kind of intense love...I believe he is the guy I am irrevocably in love with.'

But...'

She placed a finger gently against his lips.

I saw what you wanted to show me. In fact I saw it the first time I met you. You see SK never interested me, I can throw him out of my life any time...but Sanskar...Sanskar is different. He is my life to begin with.'

I know you're afraid, but so am I. Obviously for different reasons, I fear losing you to this fear of yours. Please Sanskar, you said it yourself once. Past should remain in past, no between us, not right now. Tell me honestly do you still think I'm some silly immature girl?'

He said nothing for a long moment.

No,' his voice was soft, but finally free of doubts. You are very, very grown up.'

Good, can I have that answer please?'

I love you.'

Her lips curled in to a smile, radiant as the sun rays peeping around and he could not help but kiss her, feeling that smile mold in to his own lips. Her hands moved through his hair as he drew her closer, caressing her cheek and throat, their lips still locked, filling the silence with a spell of unsaid words.

***

Thanks for reading.

Tell me what you think.

Sorry if you're disappointed.

I don't know who is the poet of **one. Sorry about that.