What if I met Seven in a different way?

What if I met him after Saeran was saved?

What if Seven lived a normal life, and then met me?

Would we have been happy together?

Would I have made him happy enough?

How long was I going to live with the thoughts, 'What if'?

We had the chance; we had so many chances, at that.

I think it hurts more knowing that I gave it my all... And I thought Seven did too, but it was just my wishful thinking.

Too lazy to get up from my bed, there are empty soda cans sprawled beside my bed, crumbs of onion rings and crisps are all over my bed; and yet, I have no will to get up and eat anything.

It has been two days since I took a shower.

It's my fault.

I shouldn't have gone with him to his place.

Why did I act childish just because of the police officers?

He was only trying to be nice and took me to his place.

It definitely hurt less when I was alone in here before going to his place.

Goddamit, it's all my fault, for ruining everything.

If only I had approached him after he saved Saeran...

If only...

As I look at the painkillers Zen had brought over earlier today, I am tempted by an unfamiliar force.

I don't even realise how many of the tablets I had taken in with one gulp.

But the minute afterwards, I regret what I did.

If I die, I will never see Seven again.

And that thought makes me burst into even more tears.

It's so stupid, how pathetic I have become ever since I met him.

What if I never met him?

Would my heart still bleed every time I close my eyes and imagine his beautiful face above mine?

The way our lips connected, how warm it felt to be in his embrace, and how familiar it was for our skin to come in contact...

How his warm breath felt on my face, how I had to stand on my tip toes while he pulled me by the waist and kissed me...

Now that I know how it feels, I want so much more...

But now I can't have any of those, and that is killing me inside.

How long will I stay like this?

How will I keep up with everything now?

"Please eat proper meals and take care of yourself," They say.

Easy for you to say.

You didn't get your heart touched by the person you love, then have it thrown away harshly like mine did.

And the fact that it is all my fault...

That fact could be the death of me.

My head begins to spin, and I close my eyes, holding a pillow for dear life as I let out a low wail.

Spinning between sleep, wake, consciousness and unplanned naps, I was a mess, and my headache only got worse by the second.

I should go see a doctor...

I regret everything, starting from going with Seven, all the way to the medicines I had taken.

Why am I hurting myself this way?

"I know that you deeply love Seven, but he's a jerk and you more than anyone, should learn that by now." Zen's voice rings in my head, and I let out a sigh.

I know, Zen.

But... that doesn't change anything...

Seven is still Seven.

He's still the person who'd make my heart race, the person who I want to impress, the person who can make me laugh, and feel so much love with just one glance.

One or two things he does would never change my feelings for him.

Feelings can't be changed that way, Zen.

You're an actor, you should know that dammit.

A loud cry escapes from my mouth and gets muffled by the pillow I had pressed against my face.

Was I not being clear enough?

Did my feelings not reach Seven clearly?

But I had said it so many times...

Being with him makes me so speechless, I can barely hold it in.

What am I going to do now?

Do I go on with the RFA knowing that Seven would never want us to ever be together?

Will I have to live this way forever?

I want to die...

As my phone lets out a ringing sound, I groan at the way the music which I used to love now sounded like a pain, a nuisance, and something I wanted to stop right away.

What was wrong with me?

Oh God, stop ringing, will you?

Assuming it was a call from Yoosung or Zen again, I reach a hand out to the drawer and pick up the phone...

And I almost cut the call, until I notice the caller ID and freeze.

Seven.

Seven was calling me.

Why?

Why are you calling me?

To tell me something else like, 'Oh, I forgot to mention. I don't love you. I hate you.'?

What do you want, Seven?! A part of me screams while the other part aches to hear his voice.

Panic bubbles inside me as I slide my finger across the screen and pick up the call.

"Hello."

Who knew a hello could melt my heart which I thought was dead inside?

It was so awful, so pathetic; I couldn't even say anything in reply.

"Will you step outside? Saeran and I want to talk to you."

"Eh?"

"Please just... Come down. We're waiting here for you."

Once again, there is beeping on the line, and this time, I toss the phone on the bed and sit up for the first time in 48 hours.

Seven is downstairs?!

With... Saeran?

A part of me that was dying to see Seven's face runs straight to the bathroom to wash my face.

Holy shit, I didn't take a shower dammit!

As I struggle with the proper way to handle things, the sentimental part of me takes over my head.

Don't go.

He's just going to break your heart again.

He's bringing Saeran... It'll be double the heartbreak.

Don't go.

Don't.

And yet, a small voice in my mind dominates everything else.

Oh God, I want to see him so badly.

---

a/n: my kokoro is not ok.

i want you guys to know that every single one of your comments are very important for me, i read all of them, and i always get so motivated by them! thank you soooo much for reading this book!the next chapter will be the last log, and i plan to add  extra chapters for seven. c: