48. setting fire to the past

QUINN

     EVENING HAD FALLEN AS THE THREE OF THEM SAT ON THE PORCH, their jars of moonshine next to them. Beth was leaning against the wooden poles that kept the porch standing. Daryl sat across from her with Quinn in the middle, drinking the moonshine, trying get rid of the icy pain that lingered in her heart.

'I get why my dad stopped drinking,' Beth suddenly spoke up.

'You feel sick?' Daryl questioned.

'Nope,' the teenager replied. 'I wish I could feel like this all the time. That's bad.'

Quinn found herself chuckling at that.

'You're lucky you're a happy drunk,' Daryl told her.

'Yeah, I'm lucky,' Beth said. 'Some people can be real jerks when they drink.'

'Yeah,' Daryl said, pushing his knife into the wood of the porch. 'I'm a dick when I'm drunk.'

A laugh left Quinn's lips as she stared at him, making Daryl raise his eyebrows at her. 'What?'

'Oh,' she said, reaching for the jar of moonshine, 'you're not just a dick when you're drunk.' She took a sip of the alcohol, keeping her gaze focused on Daryl as he stared right back at her. Even though she had intended for it to be a joke, clearly Daryl could feel the hidden meaning behind the words. She didn't hate the guy, she didn't even dislike him but that didn't make him any less of a dick.

'Merle had this dealer,' Daryl suddenly said, moving his gaze away from Quinn and back to his knife. And Quinn found herself sitting up straight, eager to hear more about his brother. 'This janky little white guy, a tweaker. One day we were over at his house, watching TV. Wasn't even noon yet and we were all wasted. Merle was high.'

Neither Quinn or Beth interrupted him, scared he would stop talking if they did. He didn't look at either of them, his gaze focused on his knife as if it was the most interesting thing in the world.

'We were watching this show,' he continued, 'and Merle was talking all this dumb stuff about it. And he wouldn't let up, Merle never could.'

Quinn found herself smiling at that. No matter what she told herself, or what she told others, she missed the man and she hadn't even known him all that well. She couldn't even begin to imagine how Daryl must feel. Although, with Milo gone, she could slightly understand.

'Turns out, it was the tweaker's kids' favorite show. And he never sees his kids, so he felt guilty about or somethin'. So, he punches Merle in the face. So, I started hitting the tweaker, like, hard as hard as I can. Then he pulls a gun, sticks it right here,' he gestured towards his temple. 'He says, "I'm gonna kill you, bitch." So, Merle pulls his gun on him. Everyone's yellin', I'm yelling.' He fell silent, staring into the darkness of the forest before adding. 'Thought I was dead. Over a dumb cartoon 'bout a talking dog.'

'How'd you get out of it?' Beth asked quietly.

'The tweaker punched me in the gut. I puked. They both started laughing and forgot all about it.' He fell silent again, taking a deep breath. 'You wanna know where I was before all this? I was just drifting around with Merle, doing whatever he said we were gonna be doin' that day.'

Quinn took a shaky breath, feeling like something had snapped within her. She hadn't even realised how similar she was to the rough redneck and the more similarities she found, the more afraid she got. She couldn't say exactly why but something was pulling her towards his man, just like something had pulled her towards his brother. She tried to figure out what it was about both of them that made her feel like this, but so far all she got was pure confusion.

'I was nobody,' Daryl mumbled. 'Nothing. Some redneck asshole with an even bigger asshole for a brother.'

Silence fell over the three of them again as the crickets kept on singing their song in the darkness of the forest and the three survivors tried to get their thoughts straight.

'I miss him too,' Quinn said, offering the man a small smile. 

He looked at her, his face unreadable. He didn't have to say he missed Merle, she could tell by the way his eyes changed when he talked about him. How he was unable to look at anyone as he talked about his brother, as if trying to shield his pain away from them.

'How come you didn't hate him?' Beth suddenly questioned. 'Like Michonne did?'

She frowned at that, unsure what to say as both of them stared at her. Suddenly she found herself thinking back to Woodbury and a small smile appeared on her lips. 'Probably because Michonne didn't find him reading the Bible in Woodbury's libary,' she said, her eyes going to Daryl his face, he seemed hardly surprised. 'Earlier that day I overheard him talking to Governor. Andrea had given him a map with a route to the farm, so he could go find you.' She took a deep breath, looking away from Daryl. 'But the Governor came up with excuse after excuse why he couldn't go and I just wondered...why would you follow someone who doesn't even let you go look for your own family.'

Shifting so her legs were stretched out in front of her she sighed. 'Later he told me the Governor had made him kill sixteen men.' A humorless chuckle left her lips. 'Merle kept on following him because he had been planning to kill him from the very start.'

She turned her gaze back to Daryl. 'Yeah, your brother was an asshole but how could I hate him after figuring out his motives weren't all that different from mine.'

Daryl gave her a small nod before looking away, pushing his knife into the wood once again. 'So yeah, I miss him too,' she sighed. 'And Milo.' Scoffing she shook her head. 'I don't even know if he's still alive.' She fell silent, having said everything. Sighing she took another swig of the moonshine. She had drunken way too much already and knew there was no way she wouldn't wake up with a headache the next morning, but for now, she honestly didn't care.

'I miss Maggie,' Beth sighed. 'I miss her bossing me around.' She laughed lightly. 'I miss by big brother Shawn. He was so annoying and overprotective. And my dad...'

She took a shaky breath before continuing. 'I thought...I hoped he'd just live the rest of his life in peace, you know? I thought Glenn and Maggie would have a baby. And he'd get to be a grandpa. And we'd have birthdays and holidays and summer picnics.'

Quinn nodded at the girl, her stomach twisting inside of her upon realising those words would never be more than dreams. Dreams without having a chance of ever becoming reality.

'And he'd get really old and it'd happen but,' she looked down at her hands, 'it'd be quiet. It'd be okay. He'd be surrounded by people he loved.' She fell silent, laughing while trying to blink away her tears. 'That's how unbelievably stupid I am,' she said, her voice breaking as she reached for her moonshine.

'It's not stupid,' Quinn whispered, staring at the girl, sympathy turning her stomach into knots.

'That's how it's supposed to be,' Daryl added quietly.

Beth sighed deeply. 'I wish I could just...' she searched for the right word. 'Change,' she finally said.

'You did,' Daryl told her.

'Not enough, not like you. It's like you were made for how things are now.'

The man sighed. 'I'm just used to things being ugly. Growin' up in a place like this,' he looked around at the dirty old shed.

'But you got away from it,' Beth said.

'I didn't,' the man replied.

'You did,' Quinn added.

'Maybe you gotta keep on reminding me sometimes,' he scoffed.

'You can't depend on anybody for anything, right?' Quinn told him, a smile lingering on her lips as she quoted what he'd said earlier.

'I'll be gone someday,' Beth suddenly said, making Quinn raise her eyebrows.

'Stop,' Daryl said almost immediately as if the very idea was hurting him.

'I will,' she continued.

'Stop it,' Quinn pressed, her voice sharper than she had intended. She didn't even want to think about the possibilty of losing the stubborn, broken teenager.

'You're gonna be the last man standing,' Beth said, looking at Daryl before turning to look at Quinn. 'And you're gonna be right by his side, reminding him of it.'

She felt an unexplainable sadness settling in the pit of her stomach as she listened to the girl's words. Quinn could hardly believe anyone would think that highly of her, honestly thinking she could one of the last people standing. She didn't believe it herself, she could hardly believe she'd made it this far. She wasn't very skilled with weapons, only with her daggers. She couldn't track like Daryl, couldn't lead like Rick, couldn't inspire people like her brother. She didn't know what exactly she could do that was of any use.

'You're both gonna miss me so bad when I'm gone,' Beth mumbled.

Silence fell between the three of them as Beth's words lingered in the air like an unspoken storm waiting to burst. Quinn felt at loss for words as her heart ached.

'You ain't a happy drunk at all,' Daryl finally said.

'Yeah, I'm happy,' Beth replied, 'I'm just not blind.' She chuckled lightly. 'You gotta stay who you are, not who you were. Places like this, you have to put it away, both of you.'

Daryl looked away from the girl, his gaze wondering to the woods. 'What if you can't,' he mumbled.

'You have to,' Beth stated. 'Or it kills you.'

The three of them sat in silence, each of them letting the words sink in. Quinn felt her head aching from the alcohol but she was sober enough to feel like she didn't deserve the faith Beth put in her. She had never done anything meaningful in her life and she didn't understand why Beth trusted her to do so in the future.

'We should go inside,' Daryl finally broke the silence but didn't make a movement.

'We should burn it down,' Beth said out of nowhere, a smile on her lips.

'What?' Quinn questioned.

'All of it, we should burn it all down,' she repeated.

Quinn's eyes travelled to Daryl's face, trying to get his opinion. He didn't look at her as he pushed himself up, walking towards the door and throwing a glare over his shoulder. 'We're gonna need more booze,' he said.

A bright smile appeared on Beth's lips as she pushed herself to stand up. Quinn followed, shaking her head but a smile tugging at her lips.

After gathering their stuff they took the moonshine and started throwing it all over the place, covering the entire shed in alcohol. Quinn took one last sip one the liquor before throwing the jar on the ground, the glass shattering loudly as the alcohol spread out on the floor. Then she took another jar, covering the walls in moonshine as Daryl and Beth did the same next to her.

When all the entire shed was covered in liquor they stepped outside and Quinn watched as Daryl took out some of the money he had gathered at the golf club and a few matches. He turned to Beth, offering her the matches. 'You wanna?'

'Hell yeah,' the girl replied, taking them out of his hands and lighting one up.

Daryl held the money above the flame, letting it catch on fire before throwing it towards the shed. It landed on the porch, immediately setting the walls on fire, the flames slowly spreading and consuming the entire shed, lighting it up. Quinn found herself smiling at the burning building as she watched it slowly disappear in a sea of red flames.

She frowned upon noticing Beth putting her middlefinger into the sky, pointing it right at the shed. The teenager nudged Daryl and raised her eyebrows at Quinn. 'Come on!'

Sharing a glare with Daryl she could see the smallest of smiles dancing around on his face and the expression made his features soft and the change it caused in his entire appearence almost scared her. Then he looked away from her, breaking the moment, and put his middlefinger in the sky as well. 

That did not leave her with much choice and while shaking her head she lifted her arm, putting up her middlefinger to the sky. She lost count of the seconds they stood there, telling their past, their fears, everything, to go screw themselves. And even though they had lost so much, Quinn had never felt lighter as in that moment. As if all the weight she carried around on her shoulders was suddenly gone. Which, of course, could just have been because of the alcohol.